1. Child misbehaves.
2. Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
3. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt.
4. Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're being defensive.
5. Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
6. Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.

Other episode mentioned:

Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?  

• When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...
• When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...
• When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...
• When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...

  Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again???   But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it."   If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.'   So why do we do it to our children?   Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day.   We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance.   In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them).   And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   We get started on the content on Wednesday April 24 but when you join early you can come and ask me your questions in our private community, get extra Live sessions, and extra chances to win cool prizes. Click the image below to learn more and sign up!      

Other episodes mentioned:

182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop 193: You don't have to believe everything you think 200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1

Jump to Highlights:

00:52 Introducing today’s topic 02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard 12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution 25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits 26:02  Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting 28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits 29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs 41:44  Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy 45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s

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Other episode mentioned:

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01:26 Introducing today’s topic 02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits. 03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting.   07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call.  14:28 The conversation explores Parent Meagan's bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan's stress and Ava's desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed. 36:30 The conversation explores Jen's struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby's crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences. 46:58 The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions. 56:37 Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures.  01:09:05 Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son's perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son's feelings and frustrations,  01:15:12 Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss:

• The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...)
• How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income;
• Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs.

Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world.  

Parenting Beyond Power

Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today. Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy. With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey. Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more:  

Jump to Highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic 06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth. 12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach. 17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships. 22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy.  24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations. 33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family. 41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue. 44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism.   46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself.  49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.

  00:49 Introducing today’s topic and guest 02:27 Sara’s upbringing and family life 07:40 Sara's pandemic parenting insights 11:28 The challenges of striving for excellence as a parent, especially in trying circumstances 13:55 Sara's decision to join the Parenting Membership before exploring Taming Your Triggers   16:33 Sara's specific triggers that prompted her to recognize the need for support 20:20 Sara’s initial experiences and emotions as she embarked on Taming Your Triggers workshop 26:16 Why Sara chose to prioritize journaling, its impact, and the major shifts she experienced throughout the workshop 30:51 How Sara approached parenting with an audience  33:00 Discovering recurring needs during the workshop that Sara hadn't noticed before 35:06 Sara’s realization that prioritizing self-care actually creates more time in her busy schedule 36:32 What changes Sara has noticed regarding her triggers 39:19 Mild, medium, and spicy practices for parents 42:19 Wrapping up discussion    

   

Taming Your Triggers

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Taming Your Triggers

 

 

13 Reasons Your Child Doesn't Listen 

Does it seem like your child deliberately ignores you when they ‘don’t listen’? There’s actually way more to it than that! From being lost in their enchanting play to navigating daily challenges, discover the 13 reasons why your child doesn’t listen–and what to do about each one. Once you understand these reasons, you can connect with your child and support them, so they'll be more willing to collaborate with you. Click the banner to download the 13 Reasons Your Child Doesn't Listen cheat sheet now!   Membership-FB-header-4.png" alt="" width="2460" height="936">

 

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Workshop

  email-banner-3.png" alt="" width="540" height="300">    

Other episodes/blogs referenced

• What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);
• How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;
• What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults
• Dr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style;
• A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply.

Episode mentioned

 

Jump to Highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin 06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s research expanded the understanding of ACEs beyond family-focused indicators 10:05 Exploring the paradox of declining death rates and the ongoing prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)  13:08 Highlighting the Stronger Starts campaign and the four key interventions (Four Be’s) 19:45 Limited resources pose overwhelming challenges for families, impacting decisions between staying in harmful situations and seeking help 22:39 Questioning the correlational nature of ACEs data 31:53 Addressing intergenerational trauma, the concern is raised for parents struggling with the transmission of intergenerational trauma 37:08 A listener, reflecting on childhood experiences and societal norms of good parenting, raises a question about Dr. Diana Baumrind's work  38:40 Emphasizing the Stronger Starts campaign's reliance on current research, evolving scientific understanding is paralleled with historical shifts (evident in changing perspectives on corporal punishment)  46:18 Wrapping up the discussion with three engagement options (mild, medium, spicy)   

When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have?   My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine.   These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right?   But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety?   That's what we'll work through in today's episode. We'll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted - in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families.   I'm also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child - organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you.   Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you're well resourced if you do choose to listen.  

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits

Are there times when your child doesn’t listen? Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them NOT to do? Do you feel disrespected when your child does these things – but have no idea what to do about it because the one thing you KNOW is that you don’t want to treat your child the same way your parents treated you? If so, the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop will help. Click the banner to join the waitlist now:    

Other episodes referenced

079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE

Jump to Highlights

00:54 Introducing today’s topic 05:24 Getting consent from babies through non-verbal cues 14:12 The existence of a rape culture that normalizes and trivializes sexual assault 16:55 Understanding consent beyond the typical script of cisgender heterosexual relationships 23:36 How distorted perceptions of feminism impact consent education 27:05 The importance of discussing consent beyond sexual situations 30:00 The lack of emphasis on consent in sex education standards and children's exposure to problematic portrayals of sex in media 41:19 The importance of teaching consent from childhood to counter rape culture rooted in patriarchal norms 45:49 Practical steps for parents to promote consent with their children 49:18 Listener Cori's experience underscores the importance of understanding a child's needs, promoting autonomy, and building consent-based relationships from an early age 56:02 The conclusion suggests three options for implementing the ideas discussed in the episode  

References

Beres, M.A. (2021). From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism & Psychology 32(2), 137-155.

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Global News (2018, May 11). Asking your child if you can change their diaper raises them to know their consent matters: Expert. Author. Retrieved from: https://globalnews.ca/video/4202379/asking-your-child-if-you-can-change-their-diaper-raises-them-to-know-their-consent-matters-expert

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Gupta, D. [@Neo_url] (2018, February 18). If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.  They act confused when it’s our bodies. [Tweet]. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/807c3m/for_the_guys_confused_about_consent/

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Johnson, M., & Bennett, E. (2015, March). Everyday sexism: Australian women’s experiences of street harassment. The Australia Institute. Retrieved from: https://australiainstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Everyday_sexism_TAIMarch2015_0.pdf

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Kettrey, H.K., Davis, A.J., & Liberman, J. (2021). “Consent is F#@king Required”: Hashtag feminism surrounding sexual consent in a culture of postfeminist contradictions. Social Media + Society October-December, 1-11.

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Loick, D. (2019). “…as if it were a thing.” A feminist critique of consent. Constellations, 1-11.

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McGuire, L. (2021). Creating cultures of consent: A guide for parents and educators. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

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Mukhopadhyay, S. (2023, Jan 26). Justin Bieber no more holds rights to his music, sold for $200 million: Here’s why it’s the latest trend. Mint. Retrieved from: bieber-no-more-holds-rights-to-his-music-sold-for-200-million-here-s-why-it-s-the-latest-trend-11674695521055.html">https://www.livemint.com/news/world/justin-bieber-no-more-holds-rights-to-his-music-sold-for-200-million-here-s-why-it-s-the-latest-trend-11674695521055.html

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National Institute of Justice (2008, September 30). Most victims know their attacker. Author. Retrieved from: https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/most-victims-know-their-attacker

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News.com.au (2019, May 11). Commentator mocked for saying parents should ask babies for consent to nappy change. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/commentator-mocked-for-saying-parents-should-ask-babies-for-consent-to-nappy-change/news-story/6f3c45120ef9de5dee3df81621715c1b

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Padilla-Walker, L.M., McLean, R.D., Ogles, B., & Pollard, B. (2020). How do parents teach “No means no”? An exploration of how sexual consent beliefs are socialized during adolescence. The Journal of Sex Research 57(9), 1122-1133.

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Popova, M. (2019). Sexual consent. Boston: MIT.

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RAINN (2023). Victims of sexual violence: Statistics. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

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Rutherford, A. (2018, September 17). What the origins of the ‘1 in 5’ statistic teaches us about sexual assault policy. Behavioral Scientist. Retrieved from: https://behavioralscientist.org/what-the-origins-of-the-1-in-5-statistic-teaches-us-about-sexual-assault-policy/#:~:text=Referring%20to%20the%20number%20of,prevent%2C%20and%20prosecute%20sexual%20assault.

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Tarvis, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion (Revised Ed.). Chicago: Touchstone.

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Willis, M., Jozkowski, K.N., & Read, J. (2019). Sexual consent in K-12 sex education: An analysis of current health education standards in the United States. Sex Education 19(2), 226-236.