Today we welcome Eli Finkel. He is a professor at Northwestern University, where he has appointments in the psychology department and the Kellogg School of Management. In his role as director of Northwestern’s Relationships and Motivation Lab (RAMLAB), he has published more than 160 scientific papers and is a guest essayist for The New York Times. The Economist declared him “one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” His latest book is called The All-Or-Nothing Marriage.

In this episode, I talked to Eli Finkel about how the best marriages work. The institution of marriage has evolved throughout the decades. People used to tie the knot for socioeconomic purposes, but nowadays we seek to fulfill our higher need for self-actualization in relationships. According to Eli, higher expectations are not necessarily bad for marriages if people can use them strategically. Eli also shares love hacks we can implement to improve our relationships with our partners. 

Website: elifinkel.com

Twitter: @EliJFinkel

Topics

02:54 Pleasure vs meaning in romance

05:49 There’s no rule for marriages

08:15 The pre-industrial mindset of marriage

10:39 Vertical integration of needs in a relationship

13:55 Expectations, goals, & fulfillment

17:53 The evolution of marriage 

22:30 The All or Nothing Theory of Marriage

25:21 Mate evaluation theory and other studies

34:48 The value of love hacks

38:21 Positive attribution bias 

39:36 Third-party reappraisal on conflict