For this episode of the Sex series, we’re getting some adult sex education we wished we had learned when we were younger. Specifically around messages young men received around sex, and how this now manifests with toxic masculinity which unfortunately, seeps into the bedroom. Our guest today helps us find ways we can change these sexual narratives. While not all of us are in sexual relationships with men, the reality is that the way in which men perceive their status in the bedroom affects their roles outside of the bedroom. And when toxic masculinity is driving that inner monologue, we all lose. So today we’re addressing the ways this can affect us all, not only the cis hetero men in our lives.   

A licensed sex coach and therapist, Cam Fraser teaches sex education for cis hetero men and their partners. As someone who has been hurt by unhealthy masculine culture, he’s passionate about changing toxic masculine narratives that affect us all, and freeing men up to be the fully realized humans they are longing to be (whether they know it or not).   

 In this episode, Cam and Jen discuss:

• Ideas on how to start conversations with your partner about sex

• Desire discrepancies in relationships and the difference between responsive and spontaneous libido

• Taking responsibility for your own arousal

• The spectrum of intimacy inside and outside the bedroom

• Unhealthy sexual narratives that feed toxic masculinity

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Thought-Provoking Quotes

"I think that it is a very detrimental story we are telling each other as men--that men's libido is high and unwavering and it's just purely physical, there's no emotions attached to it--men just want sex all the time. And women are telling men that too because we all got that same story."  - Cam Fraser

“Overall we see a lot of over-pathologizing, over-medicalizing of male sexuality. I think that's a real issue, but one of the major ones I see is, "Oh, I'm not man enough because I don't want sex all the time," or, "I'm not jumping my partner every five minutes, so I must be broken.” - Cam Fraser

“It's important to understand. There's a difference between physical arousal and mental subjective arousal.” - Cam Fraser

“I think we live in quite a sex and pleasure negative society. And so conversations around sex are still, even though we're pushing for them to be more mainstream, they're still considered quite taboo.” - Cam Fraser

“Conversations around sex can be really charged. If you're able to take some of the intensity out of those conversations and take some of the seriousness out of those conversations and keep it a little bit more playful, keep it a little bit more curious and lighthearted, then that's going to serve you well.” - Cam Fraser

“There is a need for men to diversify their intimacy in terms of how they get their intimacy needs met.” - Cam Fraser

“It's super important to have intimacy needs met in a diverse amount of ways. Because if you don't and then you get into a relationship and your partner is the only person that you can do that with, you're putting a lot of pressure and responsibility on your own as well and that can be detrimental to a relationship.” - Cam Fraser

Cam’s Links

Cam's Instagram - @thecamfraser

Cam's TikTok - @thecamfraser2.0

fraser.com/">Cam’s Website

Books & Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Dan Savage Website 

Brené Brown's episode with Jen Hatmaker

Trevor Noah on Lack of Male Intimacy

Connect with Jen! Jen’s Website

Jen’s Instagram

Jen’s Twitter

Jen’s Facebook

Jen’s YouTube