Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why.

• Episode transcript
• 2014 Stanford University research
• 2022 Max Planck Institute research
• A long walk with two mediation clients

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My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful.

• Episode transcript
• The "as if" technique
• Ruth Chang's method for making hard choices
• Atomic Habits by James Clear
• More on recurring small wins

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When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions.

• Episode transcript
• The 2018 research
• Source of the restaurant story

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Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations.

• Episode transcript
• The problem with totalizing
• The sample list of things to practice, along with information about each

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When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question.

• Episode transcript
• The 2007 research
• The 2018 research
• The 2021 research
• Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations

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When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice.

• Episode transcript
• The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos
• More on my grad students' assignment to have a difficult conversation
• Shared everyday experiences for re-establishing the connection that conflict has splintered
• Buy Tammy a coffee

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Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative.

• Episode transcript
• Evaluating whether we should raise an issue or let it go
• Buy Tammy a coffee

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Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening.

• Episode transcript
• The journal article
• Every conflict contains a bid to be seen
• Multitasking is bad for good listening
• The downside of copious note-taking
• Practicing transparency when overwhelmed by a long-winded talker
• Seeing the equal human in front of us
• Leading with our curiosity
• The downsides of setting ground rules at the beginning of a mediation
• Buy Tammy a coffee

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Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships.

• Episode transcript
• About Biosphere 2
• About trees and stress wood
• How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later
• When parents avoid disagreeing in front of child or routinely break up sibling arguments
• anger-skills.html">When parents prevent their child from expressing emotions
• How healthy relationships benefit from conflict
• Buy Tammy a coffee

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When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important.

• Episode transcript
• Buy Tammy a coffee

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