- Publisher |
- Dr. Colleen Mullen
- Media Type |
- audio
- Podknife tags |
- Fitness & Nutrition,
- Health,
- Interview,
- Mental Health,
- Motivation,
- Relationships,
- Self-Help
- Categories Via RSS |
- Education,
- Health & Fitness,
- Mental Health,
- Science,
- Self-Improvement,
- Social Sciences
- People |
- Country Of Origin |
- USA
- Produced In |
- San Diego, CA
- Premiere Date |
- 2015-06-05
- Frequency |
- Periodic
- Explicit |
- No
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Submit ReviewLeave your relationship dilemmas and questions for Dr. Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com
Dr.Colleen introduces the Coaching Through Chaos audience to Love, Unboxed: the podcast for the hopeful romantic. This show is for the person who hasn't given up on love. In this episode, "Birds with Broken Wings Belong at the Vet, not in your bed!" Dr. Colleen unboxes the Broken Wing Syndrome. What does it mean? Who loves the birds with broken wings? What they each need to heal and have healthier relationships and how to know if you are dating a birdie with a broken wing.
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"Love, Unboxed: A Podcast for the Hopeful Romantic" is a new project by Dr. Colleen Mullen. Dr. Colleen hopes this becomes collaborative with you. Each week, Dr. Colleen unboxes one topic on love & relationships so that you gain a deeper understanding of it and can manage it when it shows up in your life.
Leave your relationship questions for Dr Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com. The first 5 people who leave a relationship question get a free copy of the journal Dr. Colleen designed: My Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health.
This is Season 1, Episode 1- The subject up for unboxing is the Broken Wing Syndrome. This is sometimes called the Broken Brid Syndrome. Neither the Broken Wing or Broken Bird Syndromes are actual diagnostic terms, rather, they are very popular ways of discussing a particular relationship dynamic. Dr. Colleen has coined those who have the Broken Wing Syndrome and fall in love with the Birdies with Broken Wings, the Wing Whisperers.
If you don't know these terms, but you've been insecure in relationships, or seem to reflect on past relationships and feel like you stayed too long, or can see in the reflection that you couldn't get what you needed from your partner emotionally, I encourage you to listen to this. You may relate to what Dr. Colleen unboxes.
This unboxing includes:
- The love story of Jenny & Jack, who really enjoy each other, but ultimately can't be what each needs.
- How the Broken Wing Syndrome is different than the Savior Complex.
- What the Bird with the Broken Wing needs to heal their wing.
- What the Wing Whisperer needs to heal in order to find a more balanced partnership.
- The things Dr. Colleen wants the Wong Whisperer to know.
- TellTale signs you are dating a Birdie with a Broken Wing.
- What Jack & Jenny's relationship would have looked like if they got a post-therapy do-over.
What topics do you want Dr. Colleen to unbox???
Leave your relationship questions for Dr Colleen at LoveUnboxedPodcast.com.
More Resources from Dr. Colleen
- My Mindful Reflections: A Daily Journal for Better Mental Health (get it on Amazon) - This is a journal designed by Dr. Colleen. You can use it to track your emotions, highlight special moments, learn from difficult ones , let go of daily steam through daily narrative pages , and even learn to give yourself permission to take a break.
- Do you want to hire Dr. Colleen to help you? Please check out her therapy & consulting page at CoachingThroughChaos.com
Upcoming Workshops in 2024
Date Differently - for the singlles who want to break free from past relationship obstacles.
Love Them More - for those in committed relationships who want to protect their relationship from future obstacles.
SUPPORT THE SHOW!
- AMAZON.COM Use code LoveUnboxed-20 at checkout when you make your regular purchases on Amazon or visit Dr. Colleen's Amazon storefront. You wont pay anything extra, but Dr. Colleen will make a small commission on what you purchase.
- Patreon- FInd out the perks of joining the Hopeful Romantic community!
Disclaimer
This show exists only for educational and/or entertainment purposes. Although Dr. Mullen is a licensed therapist, in the capacity of her show hosting duties, she is not your therapist. This show is not meant as a replacement for therapy.
Resources for Finding a Mental Health Professional in the U.S.
- Therapy Den
- Psychology Today
- Mental Health Matters
- Therapy for Black Girls
- Dial 211 to be connected to a Social Services Helpline in your area that can provide you with information on menatl health resources in your area.
- The National Suicide Prevention Helpline. or call 988 If you, or someone you love is thinking about suicide, they are there to help.
Dr. Colleen's online voicemail line is powered by SpeakPipe
Episode Overview: In this heartfelt farewell episode, Dr. Colleen Mullen addresses her loyal Coaching Through Chaos listeners after a three-year hiatus. She reflects on her journey and introduces her exciting new podcast project, Love Unboxed, aimed at hopeful romantics.
Key Highlights:
- Acknowledgment of Absence: Dr. Mullen shares her reasons for stepping back from Coaching Through Chaos and acknowledges the life changes everyone has experienced in the past few years.
- Introducing Love Unboxed: Discover Dr. Mullen's new podcast, designed for those who believe in love despite challenges. She aims to provide hope and practical advice for better relationships.
- Weekly Topics and Listener Questions: Each episode will feature a new relationship topic, and listeners are encouraged to submit their dating dilemmas and topic suggestions for future episodes.
- Personal Journey: Dr. Mullen opens up about her own transformation in love and relationships, how she applied her therapeutic knowledge, and her desire to share these insights with you.
Call to Action:
- Visit loveunboxpodcast.com to leave voicemails with your questions and suggestions for topics.
- Subscribe to Love Unboxed, launching on October 1st, and continue your journey toward healthier, happier relationships.
Closing Thoughts: Dr. Mullen expresses her gratitude for the support received during Coaching Through Chaos and invites listeners to join her on this new adventure.
Thank you for being part of the Coaching Through Chaos community, and get ready to unbox the love you deserve on Love Unboxed!
Dr. Wendy Bruton, host of "I Used to be a Therapist" podcast has lived a few lives. She joins me to talk about how and why she decided to pivot out of her chosen profession as a licensed psychologist after a year-long battle through a professional trauma. Hear how she works to help women now, how this former university professor and researcher adopted essential oils into her life, and what she has to say after being married to her high school sweetheart for more than 3 decades.
In this episode, we discuss:
- Deciding to pivot and shift professionally
- The toll professional trauma can take on your personal life
- How she discovered a usefulness for essential oils in her life and her current work
- The results she and her clients are finding with the use of the oils
- Sage advice on keeping a love going through the decades
You can listen to "I Used to Be A Therapist" on your favorite podcast platform (the link i included takes you to the episode I was on where Wendy explored how I was dealing with family dynamics as my life shifted through trauma and unofficially adopting my sister).
Follow Wendy on IG: I Used to be a Therapist
Work with Dr. Wendy at The Essentially Better Life
Get her book: Essentially Better: Essential Oils for People with Feelings
Are You enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast?
If you'd like to support the show, here's 2 ways that won't cost you a dime ;)
- Leave a 5 star review right here
- Use my Amazon shop link when you shop on Amazon. Besides finding every book every featured on the show on The Coaching Through Chaos Bookshelf, any purchase you make through that link permits Amazon to send a small portion of your purchase price to support the production of the show. This does not add any costs to your purchase, so go a ahead and try it out.,.,.. Amazon.com/shop/DrColleenMullen
Follow me:
on Facebook: Facebook.com/CoachingThroughChaos
on IG (where you'll find me most of the time): Instagram.com/DrColleenMullen
Get my book: The 60 day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader!
Work With ME- Improve your Confidence, Strengthen your Relationships, Break behavior Patterns that aren't working for you, and see what I have to offer if you're small business owner - you can find out all about my work at CoachingThroughChaos.com
We all know we will lose people we love during our lifetime, but there is a special kind of pain when you lose a child. Shelly Buck's son, Ryder, got diagnosed with cancer when he was 22. He recovered quickly from that, only to be killed in a roadside accident some months later. Shelly talks about surviving the unthinkable loss of a child, while still being Mom to her other kids and about how the family survives. Shelly wrote a book about her experience with her best friend, Kathy Curtis, who happens to be a grief coach. The book is Leave Your Light On: The Story of An Illuminating Spirit. Join us to hear her story and ways people cope through grief. The timing of this episode was that it was recorded just 2 days after losing one of my brothers to cancer. I think just going ahead and keeping the recording appointment was helpful to me in my own grieving process. Please take a listen.
The book combines the reflections of Shelly Buck, along with entries from Ryder's own journal and commentary from his friends. Ryder was a talented and creative young man, who was only moments into adulthood when his life was taken. You can find the book, as you can with all the authors who have appeared on the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, on the CTC Bookshelf.
If you'd like to work with Kathy Curtis for some assistance through your grieving process, you can find her at: Kathy Curtis Ink
Thank you for taking te time ourt of your day to listen to this episode. If you have any suggestions of topics or guests you'd like to hear from, just reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook
If you've been enjoying the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, there's a few ways you can support the show:
1. Become a patron on Patreon. For as little as the cost of 1 fancy cup of coffee a month, you can support the show as well as get some freebies from me. For just a few dollars more, check out the Chaos Crushers tier so you can get exclusive self-help recordings each month for more chaos crushing tips!
2. Leave me a review You can leave a review on whichever platform you listen to the show. It really helps others find it and can even push it up the screen to the featured shows.
3. Share an episode you enjoyed on your social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are great platforms for sharing podcast episodes. You just share hit "share" on the platform you're listening on and you can then post the link on your social media page.
How can one night in the DJ booth can get your business spinning in the right direction? That's some of what my conversation with Amani Roberts, AKA DJ AmRo of the Amani Experience, focuses on. Amani takes his knowledge of marketing, hospitality and the DJ business and creates ideas around how to help your business get off the ground.
In this episode, we discuss:
- How one night out gave him the vision of his career.
- What are the markers of a good brand
- What Amani learned in the hospitality business that helped him in his entertainment business and vice versa.
- How and why he teaches
- Why everyone should try a night in the DJ booth!
You can follow Amani:
On IG
On Twitch
The Podcast : The Amani Experience
The Book: DJs Mean Business
The Website: AmaniExpereince.com/Buzz
If You are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, I'd love for you to think of supporting the show in 1 of 3 ways:
- Leave a 5-Star Review on your favorite podcast playing app. Positive reviews help the show continue to grow - Thank you to all that have already taken the time to leave a positive review.
- Shop on Amazon with my shop link! When you show for anything you would normally buy on Amazon and use my link: Amazon.com/shop/DrColleenMullen, you help support the production costs of the show. You don't pay and extra dime, but I get a small percentage of the cost of the goods purchased. It's a win-win for us both!
- Become patron on Patreon. On Patreon, you can sign up for special levels of support . Each of the 4 levels of monthly support comes with their own exclusive content! This ranges from shout outs, to a free e-book, to free self-help content I record just for my patrons - to even 20 minute monthly coaching sessions with me!
However you choose to support my podcast, I am so grateful. And I thank each and everyone of you who has gotten this far to read this post. There are a few thousand of you listening each month and I really can't explain how exciting and humbling that is for me. THANK YOU!
I hope to see you between epsiodes over on IG/FB or Twitter @DrColleenMullen
Benjamin Preston has a passion for helping young professionals figure out what is getting in their way from going after the career they want. He has had some great professional experiences along his journey, including winning and entrepreneurship award as recognition for beins successful at launching several businesses, as well as joining the leadership team at a start-up. He know what it takes to find the confidence, figure out how to manage the relationship dynamics, and confront his own perceived deficiencies in order to take and create the opportunities that have come his way. He has put his knowledge into the book, “Harness Your Butterflies: The Young Professional’s Metamorphosis to an exciting career”.
In this episode we discuss:
- Why this book was important to Benjamin. Why did it matter so much?
- He explains what the career Strategist is and the Career Experimenter. Do you know which one you are?
- His top strategies for helping a person tap into their motivation.
- The power of intention in regards to figuring out their career path.
- His suggestion for a person gathering an accurate accounting of their strengths.
- His advice for when someone who is young in their career finds themselves in a toxic work environment or on a toxic team.
- How to manage adversity in the workplace.
- How you can benefit from the use of silence.
- How Benjamin found a creative way to develop empathy for a coworker.
You can find out all about Ben’s work at BenjaminPreston.com . If you are in your 20’s and trying to figure out your path, or why you keep hitting obstacles in your way, reach out to him. Find out how he can help you.
Let me know how you deal with adversity in the workplace - Reach out to me on Instagram or Facebook
If you've been enjoying the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, there's a few ways you can support the show:
1. Become a patron on Patreon. For as little as the cost of 1 fancy cup of coffee a month, you can support the show as well as get some freebies from me. For just a few dollars more, check out the Chaos Crushers tier so you can get exclusive self-help recordings each month for more chaos crushing tips!
2. Leave me a review You can leave a review on whichever platform you listen to the show. It really helps others find it and can even push it up the screen to the featured shows.
3. Share an episode you enjoyed on your social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are great platforms for sharing podcast episodes. You just share hit "share" on the platform you're listening on and you can then post the link on your social media page.
Let's face it, 2020 has been like the toxic, chaotic boyfriend who won't go away. I wish I had the definitive answer for how to get him out of all of our lives, but I don't. What I do have, however, is a collection of podcast episodes I've been creating over the last 5 years to help you learn ways to conquer the chaos in your life. So, since chaotic 2020 needs some extra resources to get conquered, I've put together a sampling of some of my favorite episodes for you.
There are so many resources right here for you:
Becoming more Resilient: Christian Moore is a guy who learned how to overcome a learning deficiency, low self-esteem, and hopelessness about the future to now teach both adults and kids about how to be resilient. Christian was raised on the streets with little guidance. The love of a neighbor helped him conquer his childhood demons. His book, The Resilience Breakthrough, can be found on the CTC Bookshelf, and his program, "Why Try?" is implemented in over 12,000 organizations across the US and Canada. Listen to what he has to say about the pow er of resiliency.
Virtual Reality Treatment for Phobias and Combat Trauma: The Virtual Reality Medical Center is equipped to help you overcome your every fear, utilizing virtual reality techniques. They even work with the military personnel, both pre & Post deployment to help decrease the incidences of long-term problems from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Financial Compatibility for Couples: Jeff Motske, a Certified Financial Planner and CEO/President of Trilogy Financial has been helping couples explore their relationship with finances for decades now. His book, Financial Compatibility for Couples explores how couples can assess, talk and plan about their financial future, even when big discrepancies lie in personal viewpoints on the subject. Hear what Jeff has to say about what a couple needs to do if one is a spender and one is more frugal. (get the book and take the compatibility quiz right here!).
Suicide Prevention with Dr. Jonathan Singer: A few years ago, I met Dr. Singer at the Podcast Movement conference for podcasters. Dr. Singer has been hosting the Social Work Podcast for about a decade, but he is also one of the leading experts in suicidology in the US. I had him on the show for a couple of reasons. One was to talk about how to recognize suicidal behavior in children. The other reason was to help me share my experience as a survivor of a sibling suicide. I have rarely talked publicly about my experience with my brother's depression, so I asked Dr. Singer if he could help me tell the story. This episode is full of so much necessary information if you or a loved one struggles with suicidal thoughts. Sharing this episode could help save someone's life. Check out Dr. Singer's book, Suicide in Schools.
Post Traumatic Recovery: If you follow me on Facebook, then this next guest probably wont be a surprise as I think I have this episode with my conversation with Ret Fire Chief, Matt Shobert, 100x more than others just because it's tough to find another person who has lived through what he has. He's a real life Super Hero to himself when his accident happened, but also now to other fire fighters as he tries to advocate for better mental health, and specifically, PTSD awareness among his fire fighter brotherhood. Follow Matt & his trusty sidekick, Butters the PTSD Firedog on Facebook.
*Here's a link to a video where you can also hear from Matt's wife, Tami, to hear a bit about her experience through this traumatic event and the aftermath.
Before we get into my Life with Suzy update, I want to also give a quick shout out to my friend, and ADD Crusher, Alan Brown. Alan is the Mess to Success Entrepreneur who now helps others embrace their Attention Deficit traits in order to live productive and purposeful lives.
Another quick shout out to my therapist colleague, Quintin Hafner. Quintin took his onw life experience, coupled with his MFT training AND his jiu-jitso training to write the marriage handbook for men, The Black Belt Husband. I love how Quintin found a new way to introduce relationship skills training to men. I found this book very helpful and I'm sure you will too. '
Ok - finally, last but not least, there is the Suzy update. My original episodes I posted about Suzy, "My New York Story" and "The Suzy Chronicles", are still my top 2 most listened-to episodes. Im thinking you'll be interested in a Suzy update. Well, Suzy is doing amazing!!!! I share with you about all the great things she is doing and learning at The Meetingplace Clubhouse, her 85lb weight loss and subsequent surgery to help her be even more healthy post weight loss. I also tell you about some of the struggles with the system we are involved with: Medi-Cal Insurance fails as well as random Social Security attempts at 30 year old overpayments. Our situation is unique, yes, in that I am her parent, sister, caretaker, financial support, but we know others are out there in similar situations. That's why we decided to launch a new podcast, My Life with Suzy. When I say "we", it will primarily be me , telling the stories of our life, but Suzy is there by consent and occasionally to share her own perspective. I think it will be cathartic for me as well as I hope to help others feel less alone in their unique situation. If you want to follow along with us, just check my IG towards the end of January for the announcement.
If you've been enjoying the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, there's a few ways you can support the show:
- Become a patron on Patreon. For as little as the cost of 1 fancy cup of coffee a month, you can support the show as well as get some freebies from me. For just a few dollars more, check out the Chaos Crushers tier so you can get exclusive self-help recordings each month for more chaos crushing tips!
- Leave me a review You can leave a review on whichever platform you listen to the show. It really helps others find it and can even push it up the screen to the featured shows.
- Share an episode you enjoyed on your social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are great platforms for sharing podcast episodes. You just share hit "share" on the platform you're listening on and you can then post the link on your social media page.
Robert Delude is the host of the None of Your Business Podcast, where he talks to his entrepreneurial guests about anything but their business (you can check out an earful I gave him about my own personal struggles and successes in an upcoming episode), but today, I flip the script on him to get him to talk about why he is so focused on helping others climb out of dark places in life. He shares his story of a chaotic childhood where he didn't think he fit in. It was only when he first got high at 12 yrs old that he felt better. This need to detach from his insecurities became a need to get high. This quickly turned into a decade of selling drugs, toxic relationships and hiding his true self from anyone he knew.
It was only when an older friend who got recovery took him under his wing was he really able to stay on a path through recovery. He is now forging ahead, feeling more confident, working on himself, fleeing from people who tap into his codependency or ignite his self-sabotaging.
His story isn't finished, but it's an inspiration as to what can happen and how good life can be when you start to fight the dark emotions, keep sticking with what you know works, and allow others to care about you.
You can hear Robert bring other people's stories of success to life on the None of Your Business Podcast on Apple Podcasts and anywhere else you love to listen!
You can find Robert on the socials:
Facebook: RobertCDeLude
If you happen to be struggling with addiction, here are a couple of FREE nationwide resources:
The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Services
or Call 211 in your area to find local resources - rehabs, therapists, free groups and other outreach services. If you're struggling, help is available.
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If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow me at on Facebook , Instagram or Twitter.
Check out what I've got for you over at Patreon.com/CoachingThroughChaosPodcast. That's where you can pick your own plan for supporting the show. Their are 4 Tiers to pick from- and every level gives you some items you can only get when you subscribe! Maybe you want a 20-minute coaching call with me each month. Maybe you want to "Ask a Therapist Anything" each month. Go check it out and see what I'm offering :)
Your best value is in Tier 2- The Chaos Crushers! For just $9/month, you will get:
- A shout Out of Thanks on the show!
- A Free e-book - "Five Ways to Tackle Almost Anything!
- Three exclusive Patreon-Only recordings just for you! These are essentially an entirely new podcast of self-help guidance that I am recording just for my @Patreon subscribers!!!
For a fun take on life and love through the movies, you can join me and fellow therapist, Courtney Calkins at my other podcast Shrink@Shrink .
You can buy the book: The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader! as well as the book of ALL the guests you've ever heard on the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast right on my Amazon Bookshelf!
If you want to work with me for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Keep kickin' that chaos out of your life!
Thanks for listening!
Who wants to talk abotu estate planning or leaving your legacy to your family? Not me! I want to live forever. Well, unfortunately, so did my parents, but I have no experienced both of them passing on with absolutely nothing planned for as far as their estates go. What a complicated experience, with a lot of complicated emotions!
When I discovered Leslie Quinsay's booke, Legacy: A Guide to Successfully Transferring Wealth from One Generation to the Next, I wish I had an opportunity to implement her guide with my parents. EVen though I missed my chance, I don't want you too - and if you've been avoiding discussing and writing down your plan for what to do about your business and other assets should something happen to you, this is your que to get on it!
In this episode you will hear:
- Leslie's personal story of how she almost lost her father- and how that health scare, forced her to explore what her father's intention was in regards to handing down the family business.
- Lesli's "Legacy" formula for how to open and continue the discussions around estate planning.
- What Leslie means when she says estate planning is a team sport.
- What advice Leslie gives for families where conflict arises around the estate planning (What if you don't want to take over the family business?).
- The One Ting to remember to stay motivated to get the estate planning completed.
You can find her book on her website or on the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast Bookshelf on Amazon (#commissionsearned).
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ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
The Patreon Page launched Oct. 1!!! Im so excited to give you so much extra for your contribution to the show!
Check out the 4 Reward Tiers at
Patreon,com/coachingthroughchaospodcast.
The Best Value is the Chaos Crusher! Tier at $9.00/m. For your contribution, you will get access to 3 self-help audio recordings per month. There are some other fun rewards that include an hour long Chaos Crushing Q&A with me each month and even a 20-minute coaching call with me. I am so grateful for your support along this journey with me!
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If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow me at on Facebook , Instagram or Twitter.
For a fun take on life and love through the movies, you can join me and fellow therapist, Courtney Calkins at my other podcast Shrink@Shrink .
You can buy the book: The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader! as well as the book of ALL the guests you've ever heard on the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast right on my Amazon Bookshelf!
If you want to work with me for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Keep kickin' that chaos out of your life!
Thanks for listening!
We, of course, know that abuse of any child is wrong, but when boys are sexually abused, it is often not reported. There are a lot of reasons for that. Ill be talking with Dr Kelli Palfy, who got interested in helping men who had been sexually abused as children when she was an investigator with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We discuss some of the reasons it's not talked about it, how it affects men when they carry the secret and some great organizations where they can find help and healing.
In this episode we discuss :
- How Dr Palfy's careen in Law Enforcement and corrections spurred her interest into helping men who were sexually abused as children.
- Relevant studies demonstrating how much access perpetrators find to children.
- Why the abuse sometimes isn't recognized as abuse to the victims.
- How Secondary Trauma happens
- Are there signs to look for to recognize if a child is being molested.
- How attachment difficulties can arise when a survivor carries their trauma with them alone into adulthood.
- The barriers that men face to seeking help for their trauma.
- How parents can discuss healthy touch with their sons.
- Organizations that can help.
Please check out Dr. Palfy's website Peaks and Valleys Psychology
You can find her book on her website or on the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast Bookshelf on Amazon (#commissionsearned).
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ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
The Patreon Page launched Oct. 1!!! Im so excited to give you so much extra for your contribution to the show!
Check out the 4 Reward Tiers at
Patreon,com/coachingthroughchaospodcast.
The Best Value is the Chaos Crusher! Tier at $9.00/m. For your contribution, you will get access to 3 self-help audio recordings per month. There are some other fun rewards that include an hour long Chaos Crushing Q&A with me each month and even a 20-minute coaching call with me. I am so grateful for your support along this journey with me!
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If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow us at Coaching Through Chaos on Facebook.
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
You can buy the book: The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader! as well as the book of ALL the guests you've ever heard on the COaching THROUGH Chaos Podcast right on my Amazon Bookshelf!
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Keep kickin' that chaos out of your life!
Thanks for listening!
Todd Tresidder was a hedge fund manager who wasn't satisfied making the rich richer, while those who didnt have financial know-how tended to stay in the dark about it. Todd had set himself up financially for retirement at 35 and wanted to teach others how they too could find their way to financial independence and security. That led to Todd creating the educational platform FinancialMentor.com
Part of Financial Mentor's mission is to educate the masses in a place that is separate from the people actually selling you the products. This site is there, solely to educate people, and a lot of education on there is FREE! I downloaded his post - How Anyone Can Retire in 10 Years - which led me to access to a page of about 4 other audio courses I can listen to for Free. I can't wait to dive into his content and start applying it to my retirement plan!
In this episode, Todd and I discuss (among other things):
- Is there a magic number someone needs to retire?
- What are the 5 questions someone should ask themselves in order to plan for retirement?
- How Todd shifted his career to educate others with what he knew.
- What's wrong with the traditional model of retirement planning?
- Some "Uncommon Financial Planning" to help a person get to retirement more quickly and with less stress.
Please check out Todd's website FinancialMentor.com - Let me know which article was most helpful to you!
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ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
Im launching a PATREON page with lots of extras for you!!!! Look for it Oct 1, 2020!!!!
If you would like to support the show while also learning a bit more about the psychology of life and relationships, please check out my Patreon site - you will be able to find me at Patreon,com/coachingthroughchaos. There are a few tiers of monthly support options. My personal favorite is the $9.00 tier. For that price, you will get access to 3 self-help audio recordings per month. There are some other fun gets at less and more per month, but that's going to give you the best bang for your buck, and totally help me out! Thanks!!!!
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If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow us at Coaching Through Chaos on Facebook.
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
You can buy the book: The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader! as well as the book of ALL the guests you've ever heard on the COaching THROUGH Chaos Podcast right on my Amazon Bookshelf!
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Keep kickin' that chaos out of your life!
Thanks for listening!
Ever have a dream of owning a business, and then realized the dream kept getting bigger. Well, Micah Logan experienced that. He became a personal trainer, then opened his own grym. He wanted to create something that stood out from the everyday gyms we all know where you come in, work out and leave- most often without talking to anyone or even saying hello to anyone. Micah created Next Level Fitness and Wellness. It's a community-based model for a gym (you'll want to hear how he talks about this) and I caught this interview with him right as he was starting the process of becoming a franchise business. There are currently 2 locations.
In addition to working hard and creating his own dream business, his other passion in life is helping others get their dream business started. He likes to help those who struggle with what to do or belief that the idea could become something. He instills confidence and the know-how of what to do to help motivate his business coaching clients to succeed.
Micah is energetic, passionate and humble. You can tell he cares deeply about what he is doing and the value he is bringing to the communities his business and those of his coaching clients bring.
He was rasied by hard-working parents and followed their model of beliving that if you work hard, it will payoff. It certainly seems like he is mastering that!
I hope you love this interview!
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You can listen to Micah on his Common Cents Podcast for business advice from 2 guys living it!
You can follow the journey of Next Level Fitness & Wellness at NLFHealth.com and check out what he has to offer as a business coach atlogan.com/"> Micah-Logan.com.
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If you are enjoying the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, you can support me in 3 ways:
- Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or your favorite Podcast playing app.
- Share your favorite episode on your social media.
- Use my Amazon shop link when you buy your next "anything" purchases on Amazon. A small portion of your regular purchase price will go to help support the production of the show. Thank you! Amazon.com/shop/DrColleenMullen
AND Coming Oct 1,2020, the official Patreon launch of Coaching Through Chaos. For your small monthly contribution, you'll receive different tiers of rewards including 3 self-help audio recordings per month (sometimes video too!), and 20-minute coaching sessions. I cant wait to start giving you more to help you Conquer the Chaos in your life!
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I always appreciate you joining me on this podcasting journey. As a thank you, I'd like to give you my Leadership Workbook for Women for free - you can download The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader right here!
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If you'd like to say "Hi" and follow me between episodes, You can FInd me on
OK- that's it for now - until next time, take care!
Today we are going to talk about sex! Who doesn’t love talking about sex? Right?!? Well, the reality is that many people certainly enjoy sex, but actually talking about it is something that becomes awkward or uncomfortable for them. For today’s interview, we are going to add an extra layer to that level of awkwardness and talk about how to talk to you kids about sex. Yes, its time to talk about how to have The Talk.
My guest is Dr Lanae St John. She is a board certified sexologist. Dr St John helps individuals and couples get comfortable with their own sexuality through coaching sessions, workshops and lots of free, informative , and even some fun exercises to try with your partner. She also has a side of her work that focuses on how to help parents get comfortable talking about sex with their kids. Her book, Read Me, A Parental Primer for the Talk is a comprehensive guide to understanding so much about developing sexuality and also how to conduct quote unquote, the talk.
In this interview, Dr. St John and I cover so much. Here’s the highlights
- Why “the Talk” is a series of conversations over your child’s lifetime.
- What is the right age to talk about touching?
- What you miss out on if you leave your child’s sex education up to Google or other kids.
- Her very clear and helpful Five Building Blocks of The Talk – this is the topics to cover.They aren’t all covered at every age, but they are a guide to know how the conversation will grow over the years.
- The importance of explaining pleasure.
- The ever so important topic of why and how to talk to your kids when your notice their body changing and growing into puberty
- Discussing and knowing the differences between healthy touch and unhealthy touch. There is definitely healthy, age-appropriate exploration, even though it seems stories of molestation run rampant. I wanted Lanae to help us understand how we can even start to gauge that.
- How to talk about body image, self esteem, hygiene with grace and a preservation of your child’s self-esteem. There are times when you will be reassuring your child that what’s happening is normal, and there are definitely times in life when you may need to point out things about them (for instance poor hygiene or when the reach the time in life when they need deodorant), where care and tact will need to be employed.
- Our last topic is just how to actually start the conversation, this conversation that lasts throughout your child’s life.
For the non-parents who found this (and listened to the episode)- well, first, off, thanks! I don’t have kids either, I found this informative and I'm sharing this episode with my friends to help them with their kids. I hop you do too..
In case, you found this episode or post because you are looking to get more comfortable with talking about sex with your partner, Dr. St John can certainly help you out there too. As I mentioned in the beginning of the episode, she definitely works with adults. I’d encourage you to go to her website TheMamaSutra.net – I seriously spent about an hour on it the other night, downloading some free guides(see links below) and reading through blog posts and advice questions. A couple of the freebies available on her website are how to get a little bit more playful with your partner and also a guide to exploring your own genitals. The guide to On one hand, it can help you, the adult get more familiar with your own body parts in case you need to tell a dr about something, but it can also help you, again in using the correct words when talking to your kids about their body parts. We can never have too much information when it comes to good sex and taking care of our body. I do hope you enjoyed this epsidisde and your subsequent journey on her website – and of course, Id encourage all parents to pick up her book – Read Me, A Parental Primer for the Talk. Of course, you can find Dr. St John’s book, along with all ther books of the guests of this podcast on my coaching through chaos bookshelf on amazon.There will be links to all the freebies and the book on the show notes for this episode. – just in case you want to circle back to pick up thos items later, you can always find it at coachingthroughchaospodcast.com
OK – coming up I have a conversation with a fellow podcaster. Micah Logan is the host of Common Cents Podcast and is a small business owner in Massachusetts/ We are going to talk about how he is dealing with all the ins and outs of managing his business under the pandemic restrictions and closures. He is also a black business owner and we are going to take a little journey into his experience – both before and after all the social justice uprising. I do hope you join me for that one!
I also have some other great guests. I'm proud to have my friend Tatiana on the show- she is the founder of RoadtoArtdom.org talking about creating an art-focused non-profit – she’s also has a really fascinating career organizer of Comedy Gives Back, has been on panels at Comic-Con and is just so passionate about what she does. And she’s a friend of mine, so I'm so happy to share her with you
We also have more financial advice on how to plan for retirement and what to do when you are planning your estate, as well as a gym owning family – that’s right, all adults, all in business together, and they live all together – I can’t wait for you to hear what they have to say up at Absolute Flex Appeal in Rocklin, CA about managing those relationships AND staying true to their family and business values.
FREEBIES from Dr. St. John
academy.mykajabi.com/touch-lab">Schedule a Play Date with Your Partner - Enjoy the Touch Lab
The BOOK
Read Me: A Parental Primer to The Talk
Support this Podcast
1. Leave a Review
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Everyone struggles at time with managing their finances. In particularly now, as we get through this pandemic, so many people are waiting with baited breath to find out what the near future holds for our economy. Myself included.
My guest this episode is my friend and financial whiz, Rainier Trinidad. Rainier is a Certified Financial Analyst. He'll tell you that that is and why it should matter when you are seeking someone to mange your money. But in addition to that, we cover:
- Rainier's personal story of being a young immigrant from the Philippines with hard working parents.
- How he connected while still in school with his love of economics.
- What he did to protect his client's from any significant losses in the market crash of 2008.
- How to know where to invest your money
- Advice for what you can do today if you are trying to get re-balanced financially
- How to handle stock market panic
- What to expect from a financial analyst or financial planner.
Please check out Rainier at Parabolic Asset Management - he's got a current blog and lots of other information you can access, and share this episode with a friend you think might need some advice for financial stability in the future.
As I mentioned in the episode, my newly repackaged book, The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader can be downloaded for free at the bottom of my blog post at CoachingThroughChaos.com
Of course, you can follow me over at
IG/Facebook/Twitter in @DrColleenMullen
LuAnn Nigara is the co-owner of Window Works in New Jersey for over 30 years now, but she is probably most known now on a larger scale for her expertise on building, growing and sustaining a business. She hosts The Well-Designed Business Podcast, is a well-known speaker at trade shows and leads workshops. Her expertise lies in helping others, including established business owners, develop the fine skils necessary to have their business prepped to withstand the ebbs and flows over decades! Her expertise is also now captured in the book, A Well-Designed Business.
In this episode, LuAnn shares a decision made at 18 that put her on the trajectory to business success; why systems are so key to a successful business, how she grew and shifted over the years, and why some businesses just can't succeed.
PLEASE CHECK OUT LuAnnNigara.com
to discover all the ways you can benefit from LuAnn's expertise.
If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow us at Coaching Through Chaos on Facebook.
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
If you are a woman, interested in building your personal leadership qualities, check out Dr. Colleen's book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
A crisis doesn't happen everyday, but when it does, it brings on a lot of emotions. Fear, anxiety, desperation, thought paralysis. Dealing with the unknown factors that a crisis delivers is a unique experience. Even though this episode is launching amidst the peak of the Coronavirus Pandemic, it contains information about a helpful tool to help you manage how you deal with any time of crisis in your life.
Dr Reef Karim is an expert in human behavior. He is a board certified psychiatrist and an authority on personal development. Dr. Karim's experience has led him to work with people going through all sorts of crisis, both on individual and global scales. He has worked with survivors of 9-11, on-site at Katrina, and with many people going through the individual crisis of an addiction. He has seen a lot of crisis in his career, and subsequently has seen the pathway to healing. To help you with our current global crisis and to give you the tools to withstand future crises, Dr. Karim has created The Crisis Manual. <<<You can download it for free right there!
In this episode, which was edited from a Facebook Live that we did a few weeks ago (watch it here
Dr. Karim builds out the plan for coping through a crisis in The Crisis Manual. In this episode, we discuss Mindset, the roles of Creativity, Novelty, Reinvention, and Opportunity can help you not only SURVIVE, but truly THRIVE in a time of crisis - even if it doesn't make sense in the moment!
There is so much that is unknown in our current state of affairs- Do yourself a favor and take a break from the chaos, download The Crisis Manual, find a quiet place to review it, and start thinking about how YOU can come out of this, or any personal crisis, with less distress, more focus, confidence and and a mindset for success!
Make sure to download your FREE copy of The Crisis Manual here
Please go follow Dr Reef Karim at Instagram.com/ReefKarim or Facebook.com/DrReef or WORK WITH HIM at ReefKarim.com
*Let me know what's working for you - How are YOU staying sane through this traumatic event?
You can reach out to me on the socials
Facebook.com/CoachingThroughChaos
For a little lighthearted psycho-babble, make sure to check out the Shrink2Shrink Podcast wherever you love to listen. Colleen and fellow therapist, Courtney Calkins talk about love and live through one movie a month. Come and have some fun with us!
Ladies! If you want to empower yourself or get inspired by other stories of successful women, get Dr Colleen's book: Stop Bitching , Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
Until next time, I do hope you are Crushing the Chaos around you!
Colleen
Anxiety, lonliness, anger, reactivity, sadness, loss, grief, confusion, fear - these are all emotions you may be feeling as you go through life under the pandemic restrictions. This crisis has resulted in a collective trauma - we are all in this together and we are all affected by it in one way or another.
In my practice over the last month, I saw a defined uptick in a resurgence of my client's trauma symptoms from earlier in their lives. I decided to do a special episode to help those in need understand this current situation through the lens of it as a trauma.
I called in colleague, Dr. Reef Karim. Dr. Karim is a well-known neuroscientist, mental health physician and personal development expert. You may know Dr Reef from his many appearances on Cnn, Oprah and other media outlets. He now has a special offering to help you emotional survive this crisis - you can find his guidebook at The Crisis Manual. On the next CTC episode, we focus on all the details of why you will want to get a copy for yourself!
In this episode, Reef and I discuss:
How trauma affects the brain and body
How false or exaggerated symptoms may present
Key factors in building resilience
We also cover these coping strategies (Im leaving as-is in the show notes, so that you have this as a reference if you should need it:
1. STAY CONNECTED Social distancing is NOT Emotional Distancing – reach out to others. Family/friends. If you were not well-connected socially before, this may feel ultra isolated– find an online group for something you enjoy or an actual support group. This is also the time to actually call and talk or skype or facetime someone. If you’re feeling lonely, you can bet people you know are too. They will appreciate the connection
2. GET FRESH AIR EVERYDAY The best thing about this is that it happened in the spring, so most every part of the country has pleasant temperatures. Fresh air and Sunlight help us feel refreshed, energized and can help our mood. Moving our bodies is important more now than ever because it’s easy to get out of bed, get on the couch and never leave until you go to be again. Your body needs to move and you need to breath fresh air.
3. CHALLENGE YOUR THOUGHTS For every time a person says- “This is hopeless”, there will be a story demonstrating a person who has overcome the illness. “I have nothing to do” – When’s the last time you called someone/organized your bathroom closet/planted a new flower pot? There are things to do. The point is that your brain will want to tell you things that keep you feeling discouraged/helpless/hopeless – there is always evidence to the contrary.
4. Get CREATIVE Amazon and all the other major stores are still delivering- now’s the time to tap into that hobby you’ve been putting off. Maybe youre not particularly artistic or musically inclined. It’s a great time to build something, tackle a home project you’ve been putting off, get crafty…. Maybe learning something new is how you get creative. Take an online course, learn a new language. Write, blog, craft, ……
5. DISCONNECT FROM THE NEWS AND SOCIAL MEDIA limit the time you watch…..turn the tv off….take 24 hours off the phone /news…..nothing is changing in 24 hours that you cant find out when you turn it back on
6. TALK ABOUT IT AND KNOW WHEN TO TAKE A BREAK FROM TALKING ABOUT IT – whichever you need! If you haven’t been talking about how you’re feeling in this and just keeping a fine face, but going stir-crazy inside – its ok to call a friend and let them know you just wat to talk it through. On the contrary – if every communication you have with everyone is about the virus and you’ve been on overload with the news, plan a virtual social hour with a friend with a rule that there is no talking about the virus – You will inevitably talk about things that remind you of your normal life – what you’ve been watching on Netflix, the puzzle you’ve been working on, the funny thing your kid said the other day. Most importantly, this reminds you that there are normal experiences that are still happening all around you.
HOW YOU CAN HELP OTHERS
- CALL SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE ISOLATED AND FEELING LONELY
- OFFER TO PICK UP GROCERIES FOR ELDERLY OR AT RISK FRIENDS/NEIGHBORS
- SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESSES THAT HAVE BEEN TEMPORARLY SHUTDOWN. GIFT CERTIFICATES OR PRODUCTS. GYMS, SALONS, MASSAGE PROVIDERS. RESTAURANTS.
- FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT LOCAL FOOD BANKS AND SHELTERS – DO THEY NEED CERTAIN SUPPLIES/TOILETRIES – WHAT’S IN YOUR BUDGET FOR HELPING THEM. (For those of us fortunate to be working or financially stable,we are ALL spending a lot less because we are not driving/going out to eat/getting hair done- there may be funds in your bank that can give you some room to support your community in ways you don’t normally have).
*IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE *
- People may be struggling with substance abuse and/or being a risk of relapse in this social isolation
- AA/NA groups are still being helpd online
- Rehabs are still admitting new clients
- Therapists are still accepting new clients
*There is help available to those in need. *
IF YOU HAVE A PRE-EXISTING MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS
- If you know that you have pre-existing depression/anxiety/panic/bipolar or any other mental health struggle – NOW is the time to keep up sessions with your providers. The medical professionals have been given the ability to telehealth – which means you can have a phone call/skype/zoon/facetime session- however you prefer with your therapist or psychiatrist. It is the time to keep up with your medication/treatment and things that you normally do to cope. It is also the time to reach out for added support through online support groups as you need them.
*WHERE TO FIND HELP *
The Crisis Manual .com - This is a FREE guide to managing your emotions through a crisis. This was developed by today's guest, Dr. Reef Karim. You can hear about The Crisis Manual in full detail in the next pandemic-focused episode coming up in just a few days.
PsychologyToday.comfor a mental health provider in your area
211.org –social services referral line if you are in need of inpatient or crisis house services – FOOD BANKS/housing/etc
National Suicide Prevention Talk Line –1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)*If you’re feeling suicidal and want someone to talk to when it is after hours for your mental health support providers. *
Please go follow my guest- Dr Reef Karim at Instagram.com/ReefKarim or Facebook.com/DrReef or WORK WITH HIM at ReefKarim.com
*Let me know what's working for you - How are YOU staying sane through this traumatic event?
You can reach out to me on the socials
Facebook.com/CoachingThroughChaos
For a little light-hearted psycho-babble, make sure to check out the Shrink2Shrink Podcast wherever you love to listen. Colleen and fellow therapist, Courtney Calkins talk about love and live through one movie a month. Come and have some fun with us!
Ladies! If you want to empower yourself or get inspired by other stories of successful women, get Dr Colleen's book: Stop Bitching , Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
Until next time, I do hope you are safe and are finding the assistance you may need during this time.
We all have some sort of fear, but through the evolution of technology and the ability to get endless likes and reposts of our woes, our fears have become something of a cultural phenomenon. What used to be one person telling a friend something shocking, whether true or not, we now live in a culture where that one friend is actually our social medial platform and there are people reinforcing our projections, leading to a hijacking of our emotions. Our 24-hour news cycles also play into this cultural hijacking.. Not everything is a crisis, just because the news channels tell us it is.
How our news media and social culture perpetuate fear through our society is the subject of Dr Patrick Lockwood's book, The Fear Problem: How Technology and Culture Have Hijacked Our Minds and Our Lives.
Listen in to hear:
- The evolution of how our news and social media channels has seemingly hijacked out emotional states.
- How fear is growing out of control in unnoticeable ways.
- The 2 types of fear and which one is easier to control.
- How the brain regulates fear. (I promise, you won't need a neuroscience degree to understand this).
- How fear can dictate an unhealthy attachment to our phones.
- Some of the consequences of letting our fear get out of control.
- What can we do to counteract this collective fear response to non-crisis events.
You can find Dr Patrick Lockwood at PatrickLockwoodHealing.com .
If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a gret review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast The Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
You want a Roy Lichtenstein-style paining on your wall? Talk to Jodie. You want a beautiful mid-century modern table for your living room? Talk to Jodie. You want the easiest and more sure-fire way to get your art pieces hung on your wall? For that , you also need to talk to Jodie.
Jodie Royak of @RoyakStudio is an artistic craftsman who not only is living his dream as a full-time artist, but is also an inventor and successful entrepreneur. He is the inventor of BlinkHangers.com, where he "takes the anger out of hanger", Blink Hangers are a product that makes it so easy for everyone to fill their homes with art, without the hassle of figuring out how to hang it straight, because the Blink Hangers does it for you!
Listen in as we discuss what Jodie loves about the creative process, what it was like for him to take his idea to creation and then distribution and selling out on the Home Shopping Network, advice for sticking with a dream, and he also tells the story of the piece of art he just can't part with (see my IG @DrColleenMullen for the pic).
All listeners of The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast will receive a 25% discount on a 24 pack of Blink Hangers when you use the code: Chaos at checkout at blinkHangers.com
Check out Jodie's art on Instagram @RoyakStudio
If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a gret review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Listen to The Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Colleen talks with Quentin about:
- His own journey on becoming the father of two boys,
- The similarities between BJJ and marriage.
- What it means about you if you believe all your ex's are crazy.
- How we can heal wounds from our childhoods through our marriage.
And.... many more great relationship tips!
If YOU want to be a husband who earns Black Belt status, or you want to find one- this episode is for you !
To follow Quentin, check out his IG: @Quentin_Hafner
To Buy the book on Amazon: Black Belt Husband
To work with Quentin: QuentinHafner.com
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If you are enjoying The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast, and you want to stay connected and want to chat about the episode, just follow us at Coaching Through Chaos on Facebook.
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Listen to The Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Part 3 of 3. This is a conversation with my sister Suzy, who came to live with me in in 2018 after our mother died suddenly. We take you into our very personal journey. We end up fighting the system for what is right when it comes to her care and medical benefits. Some fights are not over yet. You also get a look into the life of someone who lived many years very socially isolated with intellect limitations and what happens when they are given love and care and connection to others.This episode is a love letter to my sister. My life changed when I inherited her, but not nearly as much as her life changed. I admire her so much and wanted to have a permanent place where we would have this record of our lives.
This is not the norm for my show, but we will return every month now with all the great guest, tips and tricks for conquering the chaos in yoru life you've come to expect from the Coaching Through Chaos Podcast. In the meantime, I hope our journey inspires those who are feeling let down or failed by our social services system, or those who are going through grief or just need a story of hope.
No chaos can't be conquered!
You can work with me at www. CoachingThroughChaos.com
You can say "hi" and connect with me on the socials at
Part 2 of 3. This is a conversation about my almost month-long road trip across the country to help my disabled sister start her life over after my mother suddenly passed away. It was also a cathartic journey for me as my life transformed along with my sister's. I traveled from New York to DC to Greensboro to Nashville, to Nashville, to Memphis to New Orleans to Dallas and then Albuquerque and finally back to my home in San Diego. But my hone will never be the same. This story of love, loss, family and conquering chaos. Listen in as I take you along my trip- It was a solo adventure filled with excitement, fear of failing and all that comes with knowing your life will never be the same when you return home.
This is a very personal series - not the norm for this show. After the New York Story, My Cross Country Journey and The Suzy Chronicles episodes, the show will return on a monthly basis to what you know from Coaching Through Chaos- Lost of tips, trick and experts to help you conquer the chaos in your life. But first, I thought I owed it to my listeners to explain my absence.
Thanks for sticking with me!
You can work with me at www. CoachingThroughChaos.com
You can say "hi" and connect with me on the socials at
May 2018, I got a call that changed my life. In one phone call, I knew when I left my home in San Diego to go to New York, I would return and my mother will have died and I will ave inherited my disabled sister. This is the first episode in over 18 months. This will be a series of 3 to tell this story of love, loss and how we are managing the chaos we are finding in this new life situation. This is a very personal series - not the norm for this show. After the New York Story, My Cross Country Journey and The Suzy Chronicles episodes, the show will return on a monthly basis to what you know from Coaching Through Chaos- Lost of tips, trick and experts to help you conquer the chaos in your life. But first, I thought I owed it to my listeners to explain my absence.
Thanks for sticking with me!
You can work with me at www. CoachingThroughChaos.com
You can say "hi" and connect with me on the socials at
Interview with horror movie director and special effects expert Mark Newton about his current film, Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies. Dr. Colleen Mullen talks with Mark about his dreams of becoming a film maker, the best effects of the movie, how to produce an indie film, gets actors and stay on budget and how to manage the chaos that is movie-making!
This #Podcast episode features Dr Colleen Mullen's conversation with David Lowe, founder, of Qwerky Coliving in San Diego, CA. Qwerky is a housing experience for entrepreneurs and #DigitalNomads and #VirtualAssistants or #VA 's .
Suicide Prevention and the Grief of those Left Behind
I was personally devastated by suicide on July 1, 2007, when my youngest brother, Scott, took his own life at the age of 28. Scott struggled for many years in and out of mental health treatment episodes. He never quite let go of the perceived stigma of what it meant to have a mental illness, so he never fully accepted treatment. Even if he had, we know some people still make the choice to end their life. What they don't know, or can't know, is how the survivors they leave behind are profoundly affected.
I met today's guest, Dr. Jonathan Singer, LCSW at the Podcast Movement conference in Chicago last July. Jonathan has been the host of The Social Work Podcast for over 9 years. He started it as a way of bringing his university students extra information between lectures. it has since taken on a long life of it's own. There is not only a vast array of information pertaining to all aspects of the field of social work, but he also delivers inspirational interviews of people doing extraordinary things.
Jonathan's primary field of study is that of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. He is the author of Dr. Singer is the author of 45 publications, including the 2015 book Suicide in Schools: A practitioner’s guide to multilevel prevention, assessment, intervention, and postvention . He has given over 100 academic presentations around the country and is an expert in his field.
What's Happening in This Episode
The first half of the episode features our conversation about: -
- The ages of children most at risk for suicide
- How to discuss suicidal language with your child
- What to do when your child says things like, "I wish I were dead!"
- How to utilize professional help and when it should be considered
- The significance of the suicidal thoughts
- The Zero Suicide Initiative
- The Jason Flatt Act
- What #Not6 is all about
The second half of the episode, Jonathan dives in with me to explore how I and my family were affected by my brother's suicide. I am exploring this publicly hoping that it will help shed light on how complicated the grieving process can be for such a loss and also help those who are survivors of a loved one's suicide feel less alone. Grief is complicated even when we expect a death to take place (i.e. when an elderly parent passes away), but it becomes more complex when someone you love chooses to die by suicide. My family's reaction is not unusual, but in general, we still do not speak abou losing loved one's to suicide openly. I'm hoping that by speaking about it in this forum, others may start their own conversations with their loved ones struggling with the suicidal thoughts, or amongst themselves if they are already grieving.
Thank you for listening to this very personal episode.
Resources
Dr. Jonathna Singer, LCSW's bio at Loyola University Chicago
Alissa Daire Nelson - Strength Finder by colleen mullen psychology motivation self-help life skills social work love relationships resilience san diego coaching therapy
Craig McEwen, NFL Alumni president and part of a winning superbowl lineup discusses Traumatic Brain Injury and new solutions to protect young players, but also ways to assist veterans.
300 - Season 3 Introduction by colleen mullen psychology motivation self-help life skills social work love relationships resilience san diego coaching therapy
I met Zander
at a friend's house-warming party. We spoke of working within the government agency system of therapy and had a lively discussion. I went home and "friended" him on Facebook - I then discovered my new friend was quite a fascinating person, having lived a life of social advocacy for the LGBTQ population. It was when I clicked on a link to his website that I saw he was not only an advocate, but a well-respected person in that community who had actually gone through the transition from female to male.
Zander Keig is a unique individual, not only because he used to be a she, but because his life has been one of overcoming tremendous hardships, starting at birth. When Zander was born, the doctor predicted he would be dead, but he was not. Then when he was 6, he developed encephalitis - he went into a coma and when he awoke, he had to relearn some basic life skills all over again. Zander's life since then has been a journey of self-discovery and social advocacy.
Zander and I discuss:
- His early life struggles and some family reflections
- Why he identified with the "separatist lesbian" community and what that meant for him
- How and when he began identifying as "trans"
- Why he feared Testosterone
- How he and his wife created a relationship that has withstood the stress of transitioning
- How his education helped him understand those that did not understand him
- Why he decided to edit and write books and articles on the subject of transitioning when his own transition is a very private experience
- Why trans men are often invisible in our society
- How intentionality informs his relationship with his wife
- The strange thing that happened when he went from being seen by society as a 1st-generation Mexican-American lesbian to a highly-educated white male - where did his culture go?
- The prejudices he experienced both pre and post transition were not what you'd think!
Questions and Comments
Although we have comments turned off this blog in general, Zander welcomes your questions and comments. Feel free to email me DrMullen@CoachingThroughChaos.com, or leave a comment or a question on my facebook page and I will be happy to pass it on.
Resources
Zander speaks of some of the books he's edited, the documentary being produced about his life journey and his website. Here is where you can find those resources:
Website: ZanderKeig.net
Film: Episodes of Zanderology
Books Zander has been involved in, including Manning Up and Letters for My Brothers can be found here http://www.zanderkeig.net/books
Awkward Correction on my part
I realized when listening back to the produced episode that I was saying "LGBT and trans" when, of course in LGBT the T stands for trans - I don't know why I was saying it that way, but that's how it came out. To anyone that thinks I was "not aware" - I am, I just speak faster than I think sometimes and it results in awkward verbal trip-ups.
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Ret. Capt Jeff Dill is the founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, a 501c3 dedicated to the prevention of suicide in firefighters and EMTs through outreach, education and fostering a healthier awareness of warning signs.
I thought I had a fair amount of initials after my name, but here’s Matt Shobert MA, EFO, CFO, MIFireE. Matt had been the Fire Chief for the Murrieta Fire Department (MFD) since March 2011, and has served as Fire Chief for two other jurisdictions prior to joining the MFD team. He holds a Master’s Degree in Organizational Management, a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management and an Associate’s Degree in Fire Science. He is also a 2007 graduate of the National Fire Academy’s Executive Fire Officer (EFO) Program, has been four times accredited as a Chief Fire Officer Designee (CFOD) and was recently conferred Membership into the Institution of Fire Engineers (MIFireE). Chief Shobert completed the arduous 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and 26.2 mile run - "140.6" Ironman Arizona in Tempe on 11/17/13. On top of that, he’s had a happy double-decade long marriage. He was living an exemplary life.
Matt’s Life-Changing Event
But everything changed on July 2, 2014. On that day, Chief Shobert was on a seemingly routine outing. He went out to a field to observe a brush clearing. Murrieta California is a hot, inland town and as any people are aware, brush fire prevention is a high priority in areas like this, especially in Southern California. The Chief was out by himself when the accident occurred. When you hear what happened to Chief Shobert, you can’t help but truly respect and appreciate his innate instincts to get himself help and his utter resiliency. The Chief shares the details of his accident for the first time publicly with me on the podcast. Please listen to hear Matt tell his story in his own words.
Recovery
Matt went through several surgeries and still may be tasked with undergoing a few more. As you heard in the episode (if you didn’t listen yet, click here to do so), Matt is put together physically, but his emotional wounds are healing more slowly. The struggle is real. Matt is dealing with effects of both Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury. He has done extensive emotional therapy under the care of a Licensed Behavioral Health Clinician since the accident.
He has gone through avoiding the area of the accident (which he was hard-pressed to do when he still lived in Murietta), nightmares, anxiety/panic attacks, angry outbursts, suicidal thoughts, slow thought processes and general lack of interest in leaving his home at times or going to places where there may be crowds of people. Though his emotional struggles are daunting, he is getting better each day. He has incorporated exercise, continues his talk therapy, calls on emotional support from his wife and others and credits his dog, Butters, for giving him some added support and love, as well as forcing him to get out of his home and walk him as a major part of his recovery.
Matt has recently begin to train to become an Ironman athletic trainer – to keep him fit and to get back into the athletic world he misses. He’s looking forward to training others to accomplish their triathlon goals. He also is focusing his life towards telling his story as he did on this episode. He wants to help others understand the reality of what it’s like to live with post traumatic stress, and also to allow those in the fire service who are dealing with it feel less stigmatized and to ask for help when they need it. Matt is dedicating his life to giving back and helping others. A true example of personal resilience and resolve and restoration of hope for his new future.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
For more information on PTSD, please see our separate post on the subject here.
Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)
According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS) of the National Institute of Health (NIH), Traumatic Brain Injury is described as follows:
"Traumatic brain injury (TBI), a form of acquired brain injury, occurs when a sudden trauma causes damage to the brain. TBI can result when the head suddenly and violently hits an object, or when an object pierces the skull and enters brain tissue. Symptoms of a TBI can be mild, moderate, or severe, depending on the extent of the damage to the brain. A person with a mild TBI may remain conscious or may experience a loss of consciousness for a few seconds or minutes. Other symptoms of mild TBI include headache, confusion, lightheadedness, dizziness, blurred vision or tired eyes, ringing in the ears, bad taste in the mouth, fatigue or lethargy, a change in sleep patterns, behavioral or mood changes, and trouble with memory, concentration, attention, or thinking. A person with a moderate or severe TBI may show these same symptoms, but may also have a headache that gets worse or does not go away, repeated vomiting or nausea, convulsions or seizures, an inability to awaken from sleep, dilation of one or both pupils of the eyes, slurred speech, weakness or numbness in the extremities, loss of coordination, and increased confusion, restlessness, or agitation."
Contact
Linked-in: matt-shobert-ma-efo-cfo-mifiree-ironman
email: mjshobert@gmail.com
Resources
Fire Fighters Behavioral Health Alliance: FFBHANorth American Fire Fighter Veteran Network: NAFFVN
Fire Fighters Wellness Initiative: IAFF WFI
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder via National Institute of Mental Health: PTSD/NIMH (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/)
For local support in your community, check out the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill's page on PTSD Resources: NAMI/PTSD
The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke website offers a wealth of information on TBI, prognosis, treatment and resources if you or someone you care for is in need of help regarding their TBI (http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/tbi/tbi.htm)
National Resource Center for Traumatic Brain Injury : tbinrc.com
If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a gret review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast The Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
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DrMullen discusses School Violence Prevention from the standpoint of research conducted, violence which could be prevented if individuals in need received appropriate treatment - for example, DBT is one method of therapy which could be applied to helping people with harmful-to-self or harmful-to-others ideations achieve a more resilient mindset. Sasha Ginsburg, the executive director and founder of WestsideDBT teaches us more about dialectical behavioral therapy and the programs they offer ...
Once a Week in the United States
We live in a society in which hearing about murders on school campuses 40 times this year is outrageous on one hand, and numbing on the other. Forty times just this year in the United States people – both kids and adults- went to their school campus to never return home. Those are numbers that are hard to comprehend. It is also campus shooting #142 just since December 2012 when the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School happened - that’s about 1 a week. Is this our new normal? Does it have to be so? That 142 does not take into account the numbers of shootings between 1999 when the first of the modern day campus massacres happened at Columbine. We, as a society can do things to stop this – Ill give a few insights as to that, but first I should put my knowledge of the subject in context for you.
What My Team Learned Studying School Shootings
I spent 3 years working as part of a development team of what we hoped to become a School Violence Prevention Institute here in San Diego. I became the historian of the project. I followed the stories and looked for what we knew of the shooters before and after they acted, the circumstances of the shooting and what the fallout was afterwards in the communities. For as much as there have been shootings on school campuses prior to Columbine, that tragedy in 1999 formed the new M.O. of what has continued since, so we studied all the shootings between 1999 and 2011 when we completed the book.
In all the cases in which the shooter was a current student we know 5 things:
1. There was concerning behavior that was not coordinated by school personnel (i.e a security guard did not tell a teacher of an incident and a teacher did not know a security guard also knew of a concerning incident, or a teacher and a school admin did not know they each had concerns about a student)2. There were social media postings, writings or videos that spoke of killing or targeting specific groups of students.3. There was easy access to guns.4. There was suspicion of, or documented mental health concerns.5. There was a history of bullying and/or social isolation.
We worked on and developed The School Violence Prevention Program as a book which school personnel could be trained on. We, as a team of clinicians and other interested parties conducted research and data collection. Our project lead, Dr. Jim Madero is an expert in workplace violence prevention so he had a lot of expertise in the area of violence prevention. We gathered the information and collective expertise and developed a community-based team approach to preventing school violence. Dr. Madero had the opportunity to present it at the Virginia Tech hearings where it got favorable feedback. Back here in San Diego, we shopped it around a few school districts and even did get it implemented in a district as a pilot trial. The problem was that, although many schools wanted it, they didn’t have funding for it. Why do they need funding? Why can’t we do this for free? There are trainings and meetings that need to be coordinated. Teachers and other school staff will need to leave their posts for the training, local law enforcement needs to attend (they are part of our prevent team plan) and experts need to train the staff on the protocol. Even in a world in which we could have them all gather and train them on a webinar, there are time and equipment costs involved in the production of the training material.
The team dream was to get legislation passed in which the state mandated schools to have violence prevention programs. That’s where it all fell apart. After an unsuccessful meeting with a legal adviser in LA and no legitimate supporters that could help back the implementation of the program, we have been at a standstill 2012. We are just one group of professionals out here in southern California – I would venture to guess there are dozens of teams around the country like us developing programs. We need a way to get these programs implemented and school personnel trained! If anyone is listening who may be able to help that come to fruition, you can email me DrMullen@Coachingthrughchaos.com and Ill put you in contact with our project manager to help us take action.
What can our society do to work towards School Violence Prevention?
We need reformation in several areas. The systems in the U.S. are broken – There are financial, communication and internal breakdowns.
1. Our mental health system broke in a way it has never recovered in 1993 when it was systematically unfunded and our long-term mental health facilities were forced to close. Those people still needed care and structure and our mental health system has been paying the price for that since then. Here we are 20 years later and it seems new funding gets put into street based program care for these people, leaving little room for the average high school student who’s depressed or feeling social isolated and ostracized because he’s been bullied. We need funding to help both the severely mentally ill and those that are falling through the cracks because they are not in “crisis”.
2. That leads us to our health insurance system – Although I personally like my health care coverage, I am not in need of what’s called a “higher level of care”. In regards to mental health services that means needing therapy more than once a week. Our system is set up to deny services to people unless they are already in crisis – We have a “treat the crisis, then step-down” system. We have lots of good Intensive Outpatient Programs in our communities, but I’ve witnessed more denials happen on the way up the system than on the way down. If a therapist or an MD refers a client for an Intensive Outpatient program, we need them to be practically on the verge of hospitalization in order to get the help they need. These programs usually meet a few hours a day, a few days a week. They are designed to provide a person struggling with emotional distress a place to come to talk about it, learn some valuable coping skills, and build social support through the camaraderie of the group structure. When a person has been hospitalized (the hospitalization criteria is that they need to be “in danger of hurting themselves or someone else”) they are much more easily approved for an Intensive Outpatient Program as a means of stepping-down in services. Why do we have a system designed to only treat when there is a crisis? Why would the insurance companies not look at what can be done to prevent the crisis from happening?This is where I see that reform needs to take place in our health insurance system.
3. Then we have the educational system. Of course having a good, consistent curriculum will benefit our next generations, but first and foremost, they need to be safe. It is when people are safe that they can then settle in, focus and thrive. As I stated earlier, the way to get safety in place is to provide schools the ability to implement expert-designed safety programs in our schools that are community based so that there are very few pieces of the puzzles missed in the future.
4. The last system I will discuss and the one I think holds the most power is that of the media. I believe media can be our best friend and our worst enemy. In the event of major tragedies, the media can be quick to relay necessary information to help people comprehend what is happening. On the other hand, they can also give the recognition to these mass murderers that they so crave. Our mass murderers live on in infamy because our news media names them - and then picks over and publicizes every aspect of their life they can find. This needs to stop!
The Bystander Effect and How it Factors into our Societal Breakdown
Long before the days of the internet and social media, we have the story of Kitty Geneovese which is taught in every intro psych class in the country. In 1964, Kitty was murdered in the early morning as she returned home from work. She was stabbed to death in the street. The story was that upwards of 30 people either heard her or saw her. For as much as there were a couple of phone calls to the police, the majority of people did not take action (There is now debate over how many witnesses existed). This idea that many people can observe something troubling happening and not take action is called the Bystander Effect – We think someone else will call it in. Well, I want to put a challenge out to everyone reading this and say, “Don’t let someone else call it in”.What Can You Do? Don’t Be a Bystander!• Advocate to your insurance company when denials are rendered,• Don’t watch the continued news coverage of the shooter,• Talk to your school districts and universities and find out what their safety protocols are,• Talk to your local and state level politicians- find out what they’re doing to get mandated school violence prevention programs in your schools.
What Progress Have We Made to Prevent School Violence through Legislation?
Form what I can find, Massachusetts is voting to mandate school violence prevention programs be implemented in its schools. Virginia mandates their state colleges to have prevention programs, and Ontario, Canada has mandated their schools have violence prevention programs. It s definitely a start, but we’ve got a long road ahead of us.
What About the “Gun Debate”?
I can’t write about preventing school shootings without acknowledging the highly emotionally-fueled gun debate. It’s everywhere. I’m not really ready to jump into the politics of this. What we know is that a great majority of these shooters gained easy access to guns in their own home. I have mixed emotions about gun restrictions. What I don’t have mixed emotions about is gun safety. My take on it is that if you choose to own a gun, no matter what the law in your state says you’re allowed to do as far as locking it up or not locking it up, it is your responsibility to make sure it does not get into someone else’s hands.
The Re-Cap: What We Need
We have systems that are failing us. We need prevention programs in place that are designed to protect our kids at school. We need school violence prevention programs in addition to “active shooter” protocols. We need media outlets to stop giving these mass murderers names and attention and we need a health care system designed to prevent mental health tragedies rather than treating the trauma that happens to our communities when they don’t. I personally hope we start seeing a movement towards positive change, resiliency and victory over these tragedies.
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~ Do discussions about money bring discord into your relationship ? If the answer is yes, you are not alone. In this interview, certified financial planner Jeff Motske provides helpful tips to resolve this problem, as covered in his book - 'The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility'. The solutions he provides will help you plan for the future, build a solid foundation for your financial house, proactively discuss finances with your partner and deal with boomerangs.
This year alone we’ve witnessed several companies, including Radio Shack close up its doors for good. Other major chains like Sears, Abercrombie & Fitch, Barnes & Noble, Anna’s Linens and Aerospostale have confirmed that they will be closing many if not all of their stores due to diminished sales and/or bankruptcy. These stories, although they may not affect us personally, can affect the level of stress we carry about our own financial situation. Its societal data points like this that remind us that financial success can be tough to achieve and can be fleeting.
Today’s episode focuses on how to help couples talk about money. My guest is Jeff Motske. He is the CEO of Trilogy Financial Services; host of the show “Declare Your Financial Independence” on 1110AM KFAX San Francisco, and the author of “The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility”. Jeff talks with us about building a financial legacy; how to talk you’re your spouse about a family budget and how to talk with your adult kids about financial responsibility when they move back home. He’s also going to tell us all about his “War of the Wallets” quiz that you can take online with your spouse.When Trilogy was in its infancy, Jeff started out meeting his client’s needs based on where they were in life and what their financial goals were. He took a small town approach when his competitors were sticking with Wall Street strategies. This approached has grown Trilogy into a nationwide company whose client’s investments surpass $2 billion dollars. Jeff provided us with a lot of insight and some great tips on helping couples talk about their finances and plan for life events.
We all feel the stress of money at times. Back in my single days, I used to imagine it would be easier to handle money stress when the day came that I would partner up and get married, as I imagine most people think. The problem is, it doesn’t actually get easier. In fact, depending on your situation, either a 2 -income or 1 - income household, it can pose new complications you didn’t have when single (i.e. power struggles over spending, deciding on how to budget, and setting financial limits). In fact, money can be one of the most complicated, or stress-inducing, subjects for couples to talk about. If you search online, you’ll find article after article about how money is the hottest point of contention between couples – I found numbers between 35-57% of couples complaining that money is their number 1 problem. Whether they argue or not, Couples face a lot of stresses in life in life: work, family, kids, who’s going to do the grocery shopping, who’s going to do the dishes. However, when different financial philosophies or struggles enter the picture, it can absolutely get them stuck. Money affects all of us differently. Our parents’ philosophy around money often dictates our own.One person may be a spender; the other may be a saver. Sometimes they have similar philosophies both are spenders or savers. Other times, they walk blindly through their life believing their partner is handling the finances. Turning a blind eye to your financial situation and always letting your partner handle it can really get you into trouble. In a partnership, even if one person is the designated “bill payer”, its important to at least be apprised of your current situation on at least a monthly basis. In my private practice, I’ve come across couples who have literally avoided talking about their financial picture for years. Once a couple gets locked in this avoidant pattern, it can be hard to break, but it can be done.A lot of what Jeff emphasizes for the couples to keep them healthy financially is similar to the work us marriage therapists do at times with our clients. One of the key components to a happy relationship is effective communication and you need that to do any of the things Jeff talked about. I think the financial date night is a great idea. When couples plan to set aside time to talk about finances (or any other stressful matter), it can relieve the stress of “how do I” or “when do I” bring up my questions or concerns to my partner. Just to make it easier to stay focused, couples can bring notes with them for these discussions. Holding the meeting under the guise of a “date” sets the tone that this is about connection and having the meeting outside of the home reduces the chances of the couple getting emotionally triggered and arguing over a difficult item. I would caution you that couples that have been avoidant of talking about their finances have probably been avoidant about other topics as well. Getting back into talking about these uncomfortable topics can add stress to an already stressful situation. Keep in mind that the financial date night, should be looked at as a time for collaborative problem solving and a time to express concerns effectively. If couples that have been avoidant in the past find that they’re still having trouble addressing the issue or don’t know how to go about talking about it, I’d recommend that they seek out a few sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Most marriage therapists are interested in helping couples effectively communicate and develop the skills to talk with each other safely & authentically without needing the therapist. Deciding to go to couples counseling can be intimidating but it’s really not uncommon for couples to reach out when they are about to embark on trying new behaviors or ways of communicating to ask for help with that.
Whatever your financial situation is, Jeff Motske's book, "The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility" can be a healthy starting point for exploring your financial philosophies as a couple and gaining some guidance on ways to discuss the financial planning of some of life's milestones.
Resources:
JeffMotske.com You can find Jeff's book "The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility" as well as his "War of the Wallets" quiz and links to Trilogy Financial Services here
Real Hope/Free communication tips providing some free helpful tips online for increasing healthy couple communication.
Harville Hendrix Intentional Dialogue Exercise Harville Hendrix is a master of couple relationship dynamics. He is the founder of IMAGO Therapy. His Intentional Dialogue exercise is a communication strategy designed to help you work through issues or disagreements that may be holding you back from a more intimate and fulfilling relationship with your partner.Love Pong Love Pong is an interactive online game designed to help couples improve their communication and express their emotions more effectively.
Money issues are still really stressing out Americans - / cnn.com
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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Life can throw a lot of hardships in our paths, which it seems only the mentally strong can withstand... Following tragic losses in her life, Amy Morin LCSW wrote a list to remind herself how to keep going. Shared on lifehack.org, the list went viral, then flooded Forbes. Like a beacon in the night, Amy's worldwide best-selling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, gives us all simple lessons in resiliency in a world where adversity can leave us feeling isolated..
podcast.png" alt="Amy Morin LCSW (13 Things) interviewed on the CoachingThroughChaos podcast">
Amy’s life was going along pretty well. But, when she was 22, her mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Her mother was only in her early 50’s. Most people aren’t ready to lost their parents even if they pass away much older, but no one expects their parents to die that young. That’s just not supposed to happen! Amy was healing from that though. She was young in her career as a clinical social worker, was married and starting her life with her husband. But then, on the 3rd anniversary of her mother's death, her 26 year old husband died of a heart attack. What?!? As Amy put the pieces of her life together. She found a way to honor her young husband’s memory. Every year on his birthday, she would get together with his family and participate in life-affirming experiences. Sometimes they were adventurous trips, other times, they were more subdued, but they always made it fun and didn’t wallow in his loss. They found a way to see through the pain of the loss to celebrate life: his and theirs.
Then, a few years later, Amy found love again and got remarried. She and her new husband were enjoying the early days of this marriage and looking forward to their life together. But then, tragedy struck yet again. This time, her new father-in-law was diagnosed with untreatable cancer. She was then faced with the anticipation of the loss of someone else she was close to – as well as the anticipation of having to help her new husband cope with the loss of his parent. The pain she, of course, knew all too well. This is when Amy decided she was really going to have to pull from all the mental strength she could find.
Amy initially wrote the original list of “13 Things…” for herself. She speaks of doing it as a reminder to herself of how to successfully cope. She was working as a therapist and was good at helping others find their mental strength, but she discovered that focusing on what to do worked for a while, but she found “not so healthy” habits creeping in to sabotage her. The list helped her understand that she would/could survive these losses. Then, she realized others might benefit from the list and this is when the list took on a life of its’ own. She posted the article on Lifehack.org (you can read it things-mentally-strong-people-dont.html">here ). The list went viral within a few hours. The traffic generated from the article shut the page down! It was then re-posted on several other sites, including Forbes.com where it set a record at over 10 million views! To this day, it is still one of their most viral posts.
It was after all this web attention, that Amy was approached by Harper Collins publishing house and asked to turn the list into a book. So, that’s exactly what she did. The book went on to become a bestseller. I think many people related to her story of strength and perseverance and found her advice practical and actionable.
Here is the list of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do”
- They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves,
- They don’t give away their power,
- They don’t shy away from change,
- They don’t waste energy on things they can't control,
- They don’t worry about pleasing everyone,
- They don’t fear taking calculated risks,
- They don’t dwell on the past,
- They don’t make the same mistakes over and over,
- They don’t resent other people’s success,
- They don’t give up after the first failure,
- They don’t fear time alone,
- They don’t feel the world owes them anything, and
- They don’t expect immediate results.
Amy talks of our mental capabilities as a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened. I also subscribe to this thinking. One of my favorite things to work on with my clients is helping them build their mental strengths, or resiliency traits. We are all born with part of our personality predetermined by our genetics. How the other part of our personality developed is thought to be determined by how we are nurtured. As we are growing up, we receive certain messages about how we should or shouldn’t deal with stress, upset, disappointment, as well as love, happiness and all the rest of our emotions. Those messages are internalized and stored as fact, even if they are not in our best interest. For instance, I learned as a child that when I am stressed out I should eat to make myself feel better, which led to a struggle with weight as an adult due to my engagement int his self-soothing behavior. I've had to learn to fight against what fact that although not true, nor in my best interest.
Amy Morin’s “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” takes a refreshing spin on how to overcome struggle and, in her case, multiple losses. Amy’s list resonates with many of us I believe because collectively we have been focusing on what “to do” or what we “should do”. When we don’t “do” what we are “supposed to do to be healthy”, we end up feeling like a failure. However, Amy’s list focuses on “what not to do”. Such a different way of thinking! I say this because when we twist up, say, #11. “They don’t fear time alone” into the “You should do this” type of list, it becomes “They are comfortable being alone”. Somehow not fearing something feels much different than “you should be comfortable” with something. That way of thinking can set many people up for failure. I believe if we re-wrote the list from the “what to do” perspective, it would start to sound like “Mentally strong people just do more then you when you are tired of trying”. Not very empowering.
Strengthening those emotional muscles to help you become stranger and more resilient takes active work. I’ll leave you with this. The work can be tough, but if your perspective is accepting and forgiving of yourself, reminding yourself of what not to do can feel achievable.
Resources
13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do Amazon.com
5 Powerful Exercises to Increase your Mental Strength Amy Morin
ways-mentally-strong-people-handle-stress-effectively.html">7 Ways Mentally Strong People Handle Stress More Effectively Amy Morin
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You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
There are many organizations coming up with new approaches to treating PTSD as we speak. For this episode, I had the opportunity to interview Andrew Chang, one of 4 managing partners of the Eastern Foundry, a veteran-owned technology and innovation incubator. In their own words: “Eastern Foundry is a first-of-its-kind marketplace where technologists, government contractors and agencies convene to exchange information and opportunities, find teaming partners and conduct business.”
If you start to follow along with the podcast, you may start to guess that I have very strong feelings about our country being ill-prepared for treating the emotional stress and post trauma emotional upheaval many of our troops face through the duties of their service. I think military PTSD will be the mental health field’s biggest problem for the next 20 years or longer. I know I am not the only one that feels this way.
The Foundry Cup Competition
Providing all of the resources of a modern technology incubator, Eastern Foundry offers physical workspace, services, trainings and information that are tailored to help large and small businesses achieve government contracting success”. I interviewed Andrew to introduce you to the Foundry Cup competition. This competition is designed to identify solutions to serve our veteran communities. The current competition is their inaugural event, setting off what is going to be a bi-annual forum for not only competition, but also for collaboration among innovators in their fields. The current competition brought together 14 innovation teams to pitch their solutions for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The teams present their ideas and technology to a panel of judges much like in the widely- watched Shark Tank television show.
This initial competition was geared towards innovations in PTSD, but each competition will have it’s own theme. I interviewed Andrew about a week before the winner was announced. I could tell how excited he and his team were at the turnout of innovations and that they were going to get to foster at least one of these new technologies to give them a more solid starting ground. The participants were selected prior to the actual 3- day competition. The participants ranged from a team developing smart phone technology helping veterans bypass the VA waiting lists to access clinicians remotely, to a company who focuses on social media postings for detection of PTSD, to previous Coaching Through Chaos Podcast Guest, the Virtual Reality Medical Center and their work helping treat combat trauma with virtual reality technology.
The winners were selected based on the following criteria:
- Likelihood that the idea will yield positive outcomes,
- How innovative the idea is,
- State of development (e.g. is it at the idea, prototype/pilot, roll-out, or expansion phase),
- Opportunities for collaboration during the program,
- Ability to travel to offices in Crystal City, Virginia to attend workshops and events.
On June 20th the winner and runners’ up were announced.
And the winner is…
win-FoundryCup-267x300.png" alt="Qntfy win first Foundry Cup">The D.C.-based startup Qntfy was awarded the first place cash prize of $10,000.They utilize social media data to detect PTSD, The developers were driven to help immediate friends and family suffering from PTSD. The Qntfy team have created an algorithm that analyzes individuals’ social media posting frequency and content to look for indicators of their mental health statuses – data that can help clinicians prioritize care. In addition to the cash prize, Qntfy will also receive office space to develop their tech and utilize the resources of the Eastern Foundry, exposure to possibly funding avenues, education and training. You can find out more about Qntfy here.
The runner-up was San Antonia-based mobile IT company, Sound-Off. They received $5,000 as their prize. Sound-Off enables veterans to connect with and receive anonymous ongoing care from volunteer counselors and veterans, all from the touch of their smart phones.
The “People’s Choice” winner was Arlington-based military lifestyle application, Sandboxx, which enables military service members and veterans to connect with family members, friends and military units as well as send snail mail through the app’s Mailboxx feature.
I had the opportunity to correspond with Glen Coppersmith, Ph.D. He is the founder and CEO of Qntfy (pronounced “quantify”), a small company working to scale clinical impact and empower mental health professionals via technology. For the Foundry Cup, Glen and his team detailed some of their work that provides quantifiable, or measurable, information about mental health from data not traditionally examined by the medical domain – things like social media, movement and workout data. Their algorithms, based on peer-reviewed research, can extract thousands of bits of information, which on their own each weakly correlated with mental health. However, he points out that when taken together, like a braided rope, these weak signals provide a strong picture of a person’s mental health. This data can help clinicians prioritize care. They are going to be able to provide such rich data points for clinicians in order to better attend to their clients' needs. Great Innovation Qntfy!
The prize from the Foundry Cup was $10,000, but Glen said the biggest benefit came from coming together with other incredible, diverse, and passionate teams similarly motivated to make a dent in the treatment of PTSD. The Eastern Foundry also is providing them with free office-space, next to some of their fellow Foundry Cup Finalists. Glen feels the importance of this collaboration forum can't be overstated. He said the "Eastern Foundry has effectively brought together some people that otherwise wouldn’t have met, and provided material support towards ongoing collaboration, in an area in which they all want to see progress made".
How to Get Involved in the Foundry Cup Competition
If you are interested in participating in the next Foundry Cup Competition, please check out their website FoundryCup.com. They will be announcing the next competition very soon, you’ll want to check it out right away to get the details and deadlines. If you go for it- -Good Luck!
Some information on Veterans and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(These statistics are taken from several websites – all are featured in the resource section of this article).
1 in 5 veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are diagnosed with ptsd.It is estimated that 30% of Vietnam vets have PTSD (all these years later, this is considered “chronic” in nature.More than 40 percent of Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans responding to a recent survey said they did not seek mental health care because of a perceived negative impact on their careers. (Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, Member Survey 2012).Health Care for Veterans with PTSD costs s 3.5 times more than for one without ptsd. ((facethefactsusa.org) - 22 service members per day are committing suicide.In the general population, it is estimated that 7 or 8 people out of 100 develop ptsd at some point in their life. In contrast, when looking at our current troops serving in Operation enduring Freedom or Operation Iraqui Freedom, it is estimated that they will develop PTSD at a rate of 11-20 out of 100.For troops suffering from combat trauma, 2 out of 3 of their marriages are failing. That’s over 200,000 military divorces.1/3 of our nation’s homeless are veterans. This needs to change! We have a responsibility to them! They served for us and we, as a nation, need to be prepared to help them.
Where Does This Leave Us?
In a country with 21.8 million veterans and 1.3 million active service members we need to understand how they are doing and what they are exposed to. We also need to be mindful of how the anxiety from the anticipation of what they could be exposed to impacts them. I am hoping through continuing to expose the need for services in this arena and highlighting concerning facts about Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, we can get others to take notice and do something to help get our mental health professionals up to speed on, or involved in innovation and research in the arena of treatment modalities for this terrible epidemic that has been plaguing our nation’s veterans for decades. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing the work I do and will continue to highlight resources in this area of need.
Resources
- foundry.com/">eastern-foundry.com
- statistics.html">www.veteransandptsd.com/PTSD-statistics.html
- www.foundrycup.com/
- www.facethefactsusa.org/facts/the-true-price-of-war-in-human-terms
- common-is-ptsd.asp">www.ptsd.va.gov/PTSD/public/PTSD-overview/basics/how-common-is-ptsd.asp
- ptsdusa.org/what-is-ptsd/the-statistics/
- overview.asp">www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/ptsd-overview.asp
- health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm">www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm
Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not meant to be, nor does it constitute mental health advice. If you are experiencing symptoms or situations contained in this article, please seek out a consult from a licensed mental health provider in your community who specializes in treating Post traumatic Stress Disorder.
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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
The topic is codependency: what it is and what it is NOT; the difference between normal and codependent behaviors and what a person can do to help themselves.
Do you know someone who has
- a need to be perfect,
- low self-esteem,
- poor boundaries with others,
- a need to control their environment, and
- chronic dissatisfaction in relationships ?
If those descriptions ring a bell, you probably know someone who may be considered 'codependent'.
If you’re into self-help at all, you probably have heard the term codependency- it’s often talked about it in terms of one having a codependent personality. I want to be clear that codependency is NOT a diagnosable condition, although it is talked about in those terms. You may also have been familiar with it, but have been unsure of a clear definition of it. That’s because there is not 1 universal definition of it. There is however, consensus that it is a cluster of behaviors in relationships which can be somewhat easily identified and very often problematic.
The history of the term dates back to the 1940s and early 1950s. Primarily it was identified in studying the behavior of an alcoholic within the context of their family experience. The behaviors identified as codependent appeared to be a pattern in these families. The use of the term seemed to explode though a few decades later. In the 1980s with the advent of a focus of family system dynamics, several books came out designed to help people break those dysfunctional behavior patterns. The most famous book that still is referenced today on the subject is Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". During that time, everyone started studying the families of alcoholics and saw these behaviors but as the clusters of behaviors became more recognizable, so did the fact that so many other people exhibited the same behavior patters who did not come from alcoholic families. The term is now popularly used to generally describe a cluster of behaviors in relationships.
Codependency Decoded
This article accompanies Episode 4 of The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast and focuses on behavior in relationships that have come to be identified as “codependent behavior”. We will explore the behavioral patterns that are identified as codependent, suspected causes of these behavioral patterns, some things a person can do to change their codependent behavior and some additional resources so you can learn more about the subject.
Darlene Lancer,JD, LMFT of Whatiscodependency.com and darlenelancer.com
My expert guest is Darlene Lancer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, Ca. She has dedicated her career as a therapist to helping people work through and overcome their struggles with codependent behavior. She has several books published on the subject including “Shame and Codependency” and “Codependency for Dummies”.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a term that came into popular psychology culture in the 1980’s, although it’s been around since the 1940s. With the advent of family systems psychology coming into its own in the 1970’s, the studies of family dynamics appears to have been a factor in the movement towards identifying codependent behavioral interactions in the 1980’s. For as much as it is widely used in popular psychological vernacular, it does not have a universal definition, but rather it is used to describe a common set of behavioral patterns. In the 1950’s, codependency was viewed as learned behavior in families of alcoholics or addicts. It was first used to describe the personality traits of people who were typically in relationships with alcoholics – this could be intimate relationships or in families with alcoholics.What researchers and therapists have discovered since then is that, although there is certainly a pattern of behaviors associated with those addict/alcoholic families, they are not all that different than some of the behaviors of families with other sorts of emotional struggles (we will discuss further in what causes codependency). When it was first introduced, the term codependency was used as a shortcut to describe the codependent person’s need for approval from others and the self-sacrificing nature of their own emotional needs. When we (therapists) work with persons who are codependent, the self-sacrificing and approval seeking are common themes.When you read on and see the list of behaviors associated with codependency you will recognize that these behaviors are prevalent in the general population and are not necessarily reserved for those in addict/alcoholic families. The term is now universally accepted as a description of a cluster of behaviors that dictate how a person acts in a a relationship.
What Codependency is NOT
Codependency, although discussed in terms of “symptoms” and a “condition” for which “treatment” can be provided is NOT actually a diagnosable psychiatric disorder such as anxiety or depression. There were attempts at having it entered in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (the diagnostic text of the mental health profession), but it was not accepted as a clinical disorder. The cluster of behaviors is, however, considered to be emotionally stifling and resentment-breeding for both the person who is codependent and the person they love. The good news then, is that since it is not a “personality disorder”, which by definition is an ingrained and unchangeable part of us since it’s part of our personality, if you recognize yourself as orienting yourself in codependent ways, you can make changes to engage in ways which are more fulfilling and satisfying for you.
Are you Codependent?
This article is not meant for you to find a reason to label yourself or anyone else, but it can be helpful to explore the behaviors that are considered, when clustered together, to represent what we know as a ‘codependent’ person. Most people can relate to some of these behaviors some of the time. If one is to consider themselves as orienting themselves in a codependent way, they should recognize their interactions as a prolonged, pervasive pattern of these behaviors which have left the person feeling unsatisfied and resentful in their relationships.
Some of the key characteristics of a codependent person are:
- Low Self-Esteem: We’ve all heard the term. It’s when someone just doesn’t think too much of themselves. They usually don’t think they deserve as good as everyone else. This trait on its own can lead people to make poor judgment calls in their relationships – typically they pick people who can’t or won’t fully love them. They might engage in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable (i.e. married or otherwise involved with someone else, addicted to drugs or alcohol, or a workaholic). They have a tendency to stick with an unsatisfying relationship long past recognizing that it is such.
- Poor Boundaries with others: This can present itself in different ways. Most typically it’s a person who is over-involved in others’ lives. Often, this is an unwelcome over-involvement, as with the case of the spouse of an addict. Because they may not trust their addicted partner (due to the addict behaviors) they have a tendency to “need to know everything”. They will also share with everyone. The “town gossip” has poor boundaries. That person is easier to see because we usually have a visceral reaction when someone tells us something we shouldn’t know about someone else. As a couple’s therapist I hear stories all the time of over-involved in-laws or siblings. It’s the person who has something to say about everyone’s relationship. Poor boundaries also cross-over with people pleasing traits. A person with poor boundaries will also take on everyone else’s problems, volunteer to help when they have their own needs to tend to that go over-looked, and generally have a difficult time saying “no” to others. Their motivation is NOT malicious. It falls in line with the people pleasing motivation – that they are afraid if they say “no” to someone, they won’t be liked or loved anymore. It’s usually easy to teach a person to set healthier boundaries in relationships once this gets identified.
- People Pleasing: One of the behaviors that breeds the most resentment in a codependent relationship is that the codependent person has a pervasive desire to be liked by everyone. The codependent person will set aside their needs for everyone else’s. They do it under the guise of “being nice” or “being a good person”, but they end up resenting the people they are trying to please when they feel they are not getting the same self-sacrificing behavior in return. The previously-mentioned low self esteem drives them to give much more in a relationship that they ever expect, received or think they deserve. They often give much more of themselves even at the beginning of new relationships. When you see someone taking on their new partner’s problems right at the beginning of the relationship (i.e. lending money, letting them move in right away, getting involved in their family problems, etc.) you are most likely witnessing a codependent person in action.
- Care taking: The codependent person has a need to care take for others that far exceeds any sense of expected behavior. They are naturally nurturing, but the often “care too much”. This can be exhibited in behavior that appears to be over-doing for others. While everyone likes have a friend or a partner that is nurturing, the level the codependent person takes it to is suggestive of controlling through their care taking. The motivation for this appears to be two-fold: 1. their partner can’t let them down by not attending to their needs and 2. They have control of that environment (keep reading to see more about the need for control).
- Reactive: The codependent person typically feels their emotions deeply and are often overly sensitive and can perceive themselves as being criticized by others, particularly their partner, which leads to reactions that appear out of sync with the situation.
- Controlling: As mentioned in the people pleasing section, the codependent person has a need to control their environment and their relationship. This appears to be out of a need for safety- if they control their environment, they convince themselves that they can trust it. We know that is not an accurate perception as when dealing with 2 people in a relationship we can never fully control what the other person thinks, feels, or does. The codependent person convinces themselves into a false sense of security which allows them to move forward in relationships that often have stresses, or “red flags” that go unnoticed or denied.
- Dependent: The codependent person is not necessarily dependent on their partner for financial or other stability factors, but rather, they are dependent on the relationship usually out of a fear of being alone. They attach strongly to their partners and become helpless to express their own emotional needs out of a fear of abandonment.
- Engages in Denial: This is usually pretty easy to see as an outsider looking in on a relationship between a codependent and their partner. As the concept of “red flags” was introduced earlier, they are often ignored or otherwise overlooked by a codependent person in order for them to maintain congruence between what they believe their relationship to be and what it actually is. This is a tough factor and this is usually very strong when the codependent has become involved with someone with addiction issues. They can often overlook the substance abuse problem for a long time. It is not unusual for a codependent person to engage in making excuses for their partner’s behavior, for instance, “Oh she wasn’t drunk – he was on migraine medicine from her doctor”.
What if you have these traits?
In exploring this list, I should note that codependency should be viewed through a contextual and cultural lens.There are definitely cultures I can think of in which the matriarchs over-function and care-take for the family, they get in everyone’s business (poor boundaries), they live to please their family and they are seemingly so dependent on their family it appears they would not be able to survive without them. In some cultures, we call that person “Grandma”. So please remember, this is meant to inform you, rather than diagnose or label anyone.After viewing these behaviors within your contextual environment, if you recognize them in yourself, there are ways to modify your behavior so that you don’t feel driven to meet other people’s needs before your own leading you to feel more fulfilled in your relationships.
What causes codependent behavior?
In addition to the focus on the codependent behavior being born out of families in which addiction was present, there are theories around the origins of codependent behavior developing in families in which the codependent person was raised by a narcissistic parent. We know that although they may love their children, when sick with the disease of addiction, addicted parents are emotionally unavailable to them. With narcissists the crux of the disorder is they do not notice, or care about, other people’s needs or how their behavior affects others (APA, 2012). Consequently, a narcissistic parent would not be mindful of their child’s emotional needs. Darlene Lancer theorizes that codependency is born out of dysfunction and pain in the family of origin. This certainly can be the emotional make-up of a person raised by either a narcissist or an addict.
This lack of emotional engagement by the parents can lead a child to “over-function”, making excuses for the emotional unavailability of the parent (“I’m sure mommy loves me in her own way”) and controlling their environment out of a need for safety.
A child being raised by an emotionally unavailable parent does not typically learn appropriate reactions to stress or other uncomfortable emotions. Such children can certainly develop into emotionally reactive adults out of those circumstances. This leads to them over reacting, or conversely under reacting and good at exhibiting the associated denial of problems.
There’s been an explosion in recent years in the field of psychology focusing on emotional intelligence. This could be a counter-reaction to realizing that there are so many people that relate to some codependent behavior traits. It is important for our own wellness to be able to understand, feel and express our emotions accurately and effectively. A movement towards more awareness in this area feels appropriate.
Codependent behavior doesn’t happen only within the bubble of intimate relationships.Ms. Lancer points out that codependency speaks of how a person orients themselves in the world behaviorally and relationally. She reminds us that we are the same person, but may act differently in different relationships. Therefore if someone is codependent at home, they may exhibit some codependent behaviors in other areas of their life such as work and friendships.
She also points out that we often think of codependent people as passive, but that may not always be the case. As already mentioned, one of the “symptoms” is that the person is controlling. Sometimes this is done in passive ways. Other times, they are very demanding of others.The codependent person still may not get their emotional needs met, but they believe they are cared for when their partner does what they command.
What can one do to change their behaviors?
In order to change behavior, one needs to first recognize that the behavior is problematic to themselves and their relationships. This can be tough to do. Many people seeking help for codependency usually present at a therapist’s office or a self-help group complaining of bad relationship choices.“Why do I keep picking the wrong guy/gal?”It is sometimes only after exploring the behavior the person describes in their relationships that the codependency is discovered. If you have related to what’s been presented in this article and podcast you are already becoming more self-aware.
Darlene Lancer describes the behavior changes as “healing” from codependency.She divides the healing process into two sections: healing yourself and healing your relationships with others.
Some steps involved in healing yourself are:
- Seek help and support
- Learn to have patience with yourself
- Understand where your codependent nature comes from
- Heal old wounds, losses and traumas
- Get to know yourself better
- Build self-esteem and self-love
- Find pleasure
Some steps involved in healing your relationships with others are:
- Take responsibility for yourself
- Accept the reality of your situation
- Decrease your own reactivity
- Learn to communicate effectively
- Set boundaries with others
- Conflict management
- Learning to make changes in your relationship with families and friends around how you relate to them
“Codependency for Dummies” is replete with chapters on how to accomplish all these changes through exercises, self-assessments and instructions.
Resources for educating yourself, making and maintaining changes
Making and maintaining behavioral changes can be difficult. For those that have taken steps to make the changes and are still having difficulty, seeking out a therapist who specializes in codependency can help. In addition to 1:1 therapy, peer run self-help groups also exist. Darlene Lancer, LMFT’s writings on codependency, along with her contact information and books can be found at whatiscodependency.com.
for-dummies.jpg" alt="Codependency for Dummies">Codependency for Dummies can be found on amazon.com
Codependency for Dummies by Darlene Lancer LMFT (2013).This book is a start-to-finish guide on identifying, understanding and healing from codependent behaviors.
Codependents Anonymous (CODA) – This is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.This is a nationwide 12-step program. In addition to the groups, their website is full of valuable and helpful information.
Codependent no More by Melody Beattie (1986)This book has been the long-touted handbook of identifying and recognizing codependency. Ms. Beattie was a pioneer in the field of codependent literature.
The Human Magnet Syndrome Ross Rosenberg, M. Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT. He is another expert in the field of codependency. There are links to books, articles and more on the subject of codependency.
PsychCentral.com article by Darlene Lancer focuses on how to help a codependent person get over a break up.
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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Dr. Colleen Mullen speaks with retired Detective Mike Proctor, author of ‘Antidote for a Stalker‘.In this fascinating interview, you will find out about the mindset of stalkers and how to protect yourself from them. You will also hear about the evolution of the anti-stalking laws in the United States and the protection they now afford all of us. The Law is there to protect you, and Mike Proctor’s book will show you how to deal with a stalker.
"Stalking is a growing concern throughout the world, not just in North America. More and more countries like the United Kingdom, Australia, and Japan are experiencing an upsurge of stalking throughout their communities. College campuses have become a breeding ground for the stalker. Workplace violence oftentimes revolves around a stalking scenario that has either evolved within the confines of the workplace, or enters into the workplace from a stalking that was initiated away from that workplace.Awareness, stricter laws, and a more focused multi-disciplinary law enforcement approach are the keys to defeating this dangerous problem. "- DetectiveMikeProctor.com
We all have heard stories of someone who was stalked. There are of course, the stories of celebrity stalkers – their stalkers are primarily unknown to their target. Then there are the stories of the friend who had an ex that just wouldn’t leave them alone. There’s definitely a difference between someone who is just having trouble accepting a break up and someone who is being stalked. As you’ll hear in the podcast episode that accompanies this article, I have a personal story of being stalked by someone unknown to me. In this article, I’ll present you with some relevant facts and figures on the history and prevalence of stalking, how to find out what the laws are in your state, some of the types and psychological profiles of stalkers and some ways to protect yourself and get help if you are the target of a stalker.
A brief history of stalking legislation
talking has been around as long as people have been having relationships, but the laws protecting those targeted have only been around since the early 1990’s. According to the National Institute of Justice, stalking is defined as “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, non-consensual communication, or verbal, written, or implied threats, or a combination thereof, that would cause a reasonable person fear”.California was the first state to enact stalking legislation. In 1990, California Legislators developed Penal Code 646.9 as a result of a series of murders that took place in situations of domestic violence in which restraining orders were already on the books. The law was enacted to provide target persons with more legal recourse when restraining orders were disobeyed.Right around that time, there were also 2 widely publicized celebrity stalking cases – one lead to the death of a young actress and the other left another actress the victim of a violent stabbing attack. The murdered actress was Rebecca Schaeffer – her stalker obtained her address from a private investigator. She was killed by her stalker in 1989.Prior to that, Theresa Saldana was pursued and violently stabbed in front of her home in 1982. Saldana subsequently became a stalking victim advocate. She founded an advocacy organization in the late 1980s, “Victims for Victims” and told her story through a TV movie. Her advocacy also led to the 1994 Driver’s Privacy Protection Act which was a result of her attack. This legislation prevents the disclosure of personal information by the DMV to persons other than as designated by the holder of the information. This sounds to be akin to what we currently hold as Protected Health Information in the healthcare industry.
After California, the rest of the states followed suit.Whilst the guidelines may be similar, each state may have different provisions regarding status of a restraining order, age and electronic stalking criteria.You can find your the laws pertinent to your state at the National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC).Also on the NCVC site is a wealth of information including resources if you are, or think you are, being stalked: how to get help and even a log sheet so that you can keep good records of the unwanted contact.All 50 states have stalking laws on the books.
Some stalking facts according to the National Center for Victims of crime:
- 7.5 Million people are stalked each year in the United States
- 15% of women and 6% of men have experienced stalking in which they were fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
- 61% of female victims and 44% of male victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
- About half of the victims report their stalking happening before age 25.
- 78% of stalkers use more than one means of approach (i.e. calling, texting, emailing, following).
- Weapons are used to harm or threaten victims in 1 out of 5 cases.
- Almost 1/3 of stalkers have stalked before.
- 46% of stalking victims are fearful from not knowing what will happen next.
- 20% of victims fear the stalking will never stop.
- 1 in 7 victims move as a result of their victimization.
- The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involved being followed or having one’s property destroyed.
- 76% of intimate partner female homicide (femicide) victims have been stalked by their intimate partner.
- 67% were physically abused previously by the partner.
- 89% of femicide victims who had been physically assaulted had also been stalked in the 12 months prior to their murder.
- 54% of femicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.
- Less than 1/3 of states classify stalking as a felony upon first offense.
- More than ½ the states classify stalking as a felony upon second or subsequent offenses or when the crime involves “aggregating factors”
The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast guest expert on this subject, Retired Detective Mike Proctor is one of the foremost experts on profiling and protecting oneself from stalkers. He spent over 30 years on the job as a law enforcement officer and was involved in one of the first documented stalking cases. He was a principal in developing a stalking protocol for law enforcement agencies and has spent his days profiling the mindset and behaviors of stalkers. Though an expert through all his on the job experience, he remains modest. He differentiates himself as a hands-on expert noting that he has participated in over a hundred stalking cases over the years, but has not clinically studied stalkers the way psychologists do at various research institutions. His books are written to help law enforcement, stalking victims and advocates to understand the mind of the stalker and to better protect themselves. Proctor’s most recent book is “Antidote for a Stalker” (2013). If you ever wanted to know anything and everything about stalkers, that book is the one to read.
Type of Stalkers (Proctor, 2013)
- The Domestic Violence Stalker (DV): most prevalent group, starts in intimate relationship that is subjected to DV
- The Acquaintance Stalker (AS): non-intimate knowledge of the stalker by the target – this can be someone they know well who may have been a friend, or it can be someone they met just once or twice.
- The Stranger Stalker (SS): considered the most frightening type because of the lack of knowledge of who they are which leads to a fear of what they are capable of doing. The podcast episode that accompanies this article tells the story of my experience with a Stranger Stalker.
Proctor then details subsets of types of stalkers. These are meant to help understand the behavior a bit more closely by signaling additional patterns of behavior.
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Catherine Zeta-Jones was the victim of Triangle Stalking. The stalker, a woman, had a delusion that she was in a love relationship with Michael Douglas, the husband of Zeta-Jones. The stalker wanted to get Zeta-Jones out of the way so that she could be with him.
- The Triangle Stalker (TS): This is an example of when there is a target person who is in the way of the stalker (i.e stalking the wife to get at the husband as in the cast of the stalking of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Zeta-Jones was targeted to get her out of the way for the female stalker to go after Micheal Douglas).
- The Predator Stalker (PS): This is exemplified by stalkers that stalk their victim for a period of time before they inflict violence on them. The most infamous example of this is the BTK (bind, torture, kill) killer. He stalked his victims before he eventually killed them.
- The Third Party Stalker (TPS): This is rare, but it is when the actual stalker brings in an accomplice to help him/her stalk their intended victim or inflict violence on them or their property to instill fear (i.e. Proctor details the story of an abusive husband who hires someone to damage his wife’s personal property on several occasions after she left him).
- The Retribution Stalker (TRS):This is exactly as it sounds – this stalker believes they need to get back at, or get retribution for harm they perceived was done to them. This is common in workplace settings (i.e. a laid off worker may stalk the former boss and enact a scenario of revenge on them).
- The Neighborhood Stalker (TNS): In this case the stalker and the stalking victim are neighbors. These have typically been difficult for law enforcement. These can be erotic-type stalking (i.e being obsessed with someone with love fantasies, or it can be the typical “bad-neighbor” scenario – stalking them with malicious intent with hatred and distrust fueling the interactions). Both have the potential to be very dangerous.
- Juvenile Stalkers: Minors who engage in stalking behavior- very often these are “love-based” in their origins – either its’ gone bad or gone unrequited. These are becoming more and more prevalent in recent years.
- Campus Stalkers: These are their own subset so that they are on the radar of campus police, instructors and officials. They can be very dangerous and there is a marked increase in these incidents over the last decade.
There are, of course, psychological disorders that are commonly associated with stalking behaviors. An entire chapter is dedicated to the personality types most associated with stalking behavior. Det. Proctor details case studies of all these types and subsets in “Antidote for a Stalker”. He provides an inside look at what these look like and gives true case examples of them. If you are as fascinated with true crime stories and psychological profiling as I am, you’ll really find the book an exciting read.
The Stalkers Bag of Tricks
for-a-stalker.jpg" alt="Book cover Antidote for a Stalker Mike Proctor" width="109">Antidote for a Stalker on Amazon.com
Det. Proctor dedicates a chapter to what he calls the “Stalker’s Bag of Tricks”. These are all the ways a stalker can get to their victim. Among other things, he cites: vandalism, surveillance, targeting their animals, court harassment, identity theft, cyberstalking, cyberbullying, and workplace violence stalking. This is when I think if anyone is wondering if they are being stalked, it becomes very clear by way of the means through which the stalker initiates contact with the intended.
What to do if you are being stalked
Det. Proctor stresses the importance of the following
- Get law enforcement involved.
- Document everything.
- Notify your workplace,
- Get your family and friends up to speed on what’s going on – definitely don’t keep it a secret. There are times when someone thinks they may have given a stalker the wrong signal – please don’t worry about that. Once stalking has commenced, it is dangerous and you have a right to be protected by the law.
- Stop all contact with the stalker. This may seem live a no brainer, but, as in the case of acquaintance stalking, one can believe that if they are nice and polite enough to their stalker, they may get the point and leave them alone. Don’t try this. A stalker is someone who is potentially dangerous and is most likely aware that you do not wish to be pursued. I say “most likely” because they could have an erotomanic delusion convincing them that you are in love with them – these can be highly dangerous.
- Develop a safety plan
- Review your home for safety measures
- Get a restraining order if you qualify
- Utilize your Neighborhood Watch program if it is available
- There are times when, depending on their ages, it can be important to tell your kids what is going on for their protection and yours.
There is so much information packed into “Antidote for Stalker”. I encourage you to check it out for yourself. Retired Detective Mike Proctor can be found at his website detectivemikeproctor.com. He is available for teaching and speaking engagements on this subject.
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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Addiction: The Universal Terrorist
Episode #2 of The Coaching Through Chaos Podcast on PriceofBusiness.com had me on the phone with Dr. Harry Haroutunian. Known simply as “Dr. Harry”, he is the Physician Director of The Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage, California. He is a “rock star” of addiction medicine to the rock stars and anyone else who comes through their doors. This article will cover information regarding the prevalence of addiction problems in the United States, my tour of the Betty Ford Center prior to this interview, information gathered from my interview with Dr. Harry and resources for addiction support.
Addiction is a terrorist of the worst kind because it does not discriminate. No one is safe from it and once addiction attacks, recovery and rebuilding from the aftermath can take years. The person affected, and their relationship to themselves and their loved ones, is never the same.
SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that leads public health efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. The following are some highlights from the SAMHSA 2013 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (published September 2014).
- In 2013, an estimated 24.6 million Americans aged 12 or older (12% of the population) were current illicit drug users. Current in this survey means they have used illicit drugs within the past 30 days. Illicit drugs include “marijuana/hashish, cocaine (all forms), heroin, hallucinogens, inhalants, or prescription-type psychotherapeutics (pain relievers, stimulants, tranquilizers, sedatives) used non-medically”.
- Marijuana was the most commonly used drug in 2013. It was used by 80% of the illicit drug users at the time of this survey.
- The numbers for overall use of illicit drugs have stayed relatively the same over recent years but are slightly higher regarding almost all the illicit drugs from 2005-2009.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported the following statistics:
- Approximately 30 people die in motor vehicle crashes that involve an alcohol-impaired driver. This amounts to one death every 51 minutes.
- The annual cost associated with crashes involving alcohol-impaired drivers is $59 billion dollars.
- Excessive drinking was responsible for 1 in 10 deaths among working-age adults aged 20-64 years. The economic costs of excessive alcohol consumption in 2006 (most recent data reported) were estimated at $223.5 billion.
- Every day, 44 people in the U.S. die from overdose of prescription painkillers, and many more become addicted.
- From 2001 to 2013 there was a 2.5-fold increase in the total number of deaths from misuse or overdose of prescription medications.
Those are outrageous numbers! Statistics can be overwhelming, so I won’t fill you up with more. The above were featured to give you a basic frame of reference for how pervasive this problem is. You can find some links to help you educate yourself further abut the data collected by both the CDC and SAMHSA in the resource section at the end of this article.
Prevalence of Addiction Problems in the United States
My Tour of Betty Ford Center
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Prior to our phone interview, I had the privilege of participating in The Betty Ford Center’s invite-only “Visiting Professionals Day”. The campus is the size of a community college campus and is in a lovely setting behind a larger medical facility. We were accompanied on the tour by program heads and other staff educating us about all the programs The Betty Ford Center has to offer. These include a state-of-the art Clinical Diagnostic Evaluation Program, a Professionals Program, a Residential Rehabilitation Program, Sober Living homes and a summer program to train medical professionals in addiction. In addition they also have a world-famous Family Program and Children’s Program.
Yes, the Betty Ford Center also has a Children’s Program.No, this is not for children who are addicted, although through their recent merger with the Hazelden Foundation, treatment programs for adolescents are available.The Children’s Program is for the children of addicts and alcoholics. Children can attend even if their parents are not patients of the Center. It is a 4-day program in which they can get help to unload the burden of the emotions and secrets they carry when they have an addicted family member. The program is designed to help the children adopt a language for their emotions and to help them understand addiction in terms they can understand. Several of the children attend on scholarship. The Center takes pride that “no child has ever been turned down for financial reasons”.
My Interview with Dr. Harry
l-haroutunian.jpg" alt="picture of dr. Harry Haroutunian, M.D.">
As the Physician Director of the Betty Ford Center, Dr. Harry has been a central figure in the development of a variety of programs at Betty Ford Center including the Extended Care Program, the Licensed Professionals Program and the Clinical Diagnostic Evaluation Program. He is an internationally known speaker in the addiction field. He has a Recovery Lecture Series and is the author of “Being Sober: A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting To, Getting Through and Living in Recovery” (2013).
During the podcast interview, Dr. Harry speaks of the Licensed Professionals Program and the Clinical Diagnostic Evaluation Program (CDEP). The CDEP is one of the most comprehensive assessment programs I have ever heard of. It is designed to determine if a person does in fact have a substance use problem. This is done through a 5 day interview and assessment process with the substance user. In addition to contact with the person in question, they interview pretty much anyone the prospective patient has contact with: friends, relatives, old roommates, etc. (Of course, the prospective patient has given permission for this to happen.)Blood, hair and urine samples are collected and if necessary polygraph testing can also be administered.You may wonder why someone would go through all this. If they are at the doors of the Betty Ford Center don’t they already know they have a problem? Well, sometimes it’s not so clear or they are not seeking treatment of their own volition. For example, they may be a pilot or a medical doctor referred by their employer after receiving a DUI. This Clinical Diagnostic Evaluation can also help a person accept that they do, in fact, have a problem. If it is determined they do not have a problem, appropriate referrals can be made if there are other factors causing the person to appear in need of help (i.e. sometimes a medical condition can cause symptoms which mimic intoxication – disorientation, slurred words, etc.). If a person is diagnosed with a Substance Use Disorder and chooses to stay and accept treatment at Betty Ford Center, the cost of the evaluation is absorbed into the cost of treatment. That can be a helpful fact to know when factoring in the cost of treatment.
Recovery Resources
Of course, you can seek help at Better Ford Center or at one of their affiliated Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation programs or call 866-831-5700.
Dr. Harry’s book: Being Sober: A Step-by-Step guide for Getting To, Getting Through and Living in Recovery
There are many resources to support patients in recovery or for support when you love someone who is struggling with addiction. The following is just a short list to serve as a launching point.
- Alcoholics Anonymous : AA is an “international fellowship of men and women who have had a drinking problem”. It is a group of self-supporting people seeking to stop drinking. It is open to anyone of any age, gender, race, or education level.
- Narcotics Anonymous : NA is the same as AA but it is an option for people seeking to stop using drugs (both street and prescription drugs).
- SMART Recovery : The mission (from their website) “is to support individuals who have chosen to abstain, or are considering abstinence from any type of addictive behaviors (substances or activities), by teaching how to change self-defeating thinking, emotions, and actions; and to work towards long-term satisfactions and quality of life”.
- 211.org or call 211. 211 is a free, confidential referral and information helpline designed to help connect people to social service resources in their communities. It is available 24/7. They cover all manner of need-based referrals including addiction prevention and rehabilitation services.
- SOLACE: Surviving Our Loss and Continuing Every Day. This an Ohio-based support program for parents who have lost a child to drug abuse. There appears to be ways to network even if one is not in Ohio. If you are interested in this support forum, I would encourage you to check out their website and reach out to them.
- National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA): This site can be helpful for educating yourself about the prevalence of drug and alcohol problems.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) : This site is great for statistical references on drugs and alcohol as well as governmental sponsored educational materials on the topic.
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4357): (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) is a confidential, free, 24/7, information service, in English and Spanish. It is for individuals and family members facing mental health and/or substance. This helpline can provide referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.
- help.html">Meth Helpline sponsored by drugfree.org : 1-855-DRUG FREE (1-855-378-4373)This hotline is for parents who have concerns about their kids using meth. It is staffed by licensed social workers who are available from Mon-Fri 10:00AM-6:00PM EST in English & Spanish. They can make referrals to appropriate facilities make appropriate referrals. The website also has links to information sources on meth use and treatment locators.
Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie : A classic book for helping those that have typically found themselves in relationships with addicts or alcoholics.
Rational Recovery:The New Cure for Substance Addiction: This is yet another self-help model for recovery. It offers an aggressive self-help program to take charge of one’s behavior immediately. It is not spiritual or group-based. It is focused on getting the individual to make changes on their own.If you or a loved one are dealing with an addiction, know that resources are available to help you overcome it. I wish you success in your journey.
Disclaimer: Dr. Mullen has not received any compensation from any of the aforementioned resources, the listing of which does not constitute an endorsement. Furthermore, Dr. Mullen cannot be held responsible for information obtained from any of these help lines, websites or support groups.
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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:
- Share an episode on your social media
- Leave a gret review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
- Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!
If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:
Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.
Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast The Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!
You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader
If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.
Thanks for listening!
Dr. Mark Wiederhold is the President of the Virtual Reality Medical Center (VRMC). The VRMC has locations in San Diego, Los Angeles, Coronado and internationally Qing Dao, China and Brussels, Belgium. Dr. Wiederhold and his team, co-headed by his wife, Dr. Brenda Wiederhold, originally developed Virtual Reality (VR) protocols to treat phobias, specifically fear of driving, fear of flying and fear of public speaking. Many of us can relate to the fear of public speaking, right? No matter how good at it one is now, there was probably a time when they had to psych themselves up in order to go confidently in front of their audience. Well, Drs. Wiederhold and team have technology that can immerse a person in a 360 degree experience to better aid them in overcoming their fears. Their work in the anxiety and phobia arena has expanded over the last 20 years to also include treatment for fear of closed spaces, heights, needles and blood, open spaces, spiders, thunderstorms, school phobia, social phobia, ADHD, panic disorder, flying anticipatory anxiety, general anxiety disorders and for pain distraction. They are now even using VR therapy to treat Wounded Warriors with combat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How you may ask? Let’s find out!
What is Virtual Reality Therapy and how is it Delivered?
Drs. Wiederhold and their team at The VRMC have been around for about 20 years. Computers were very different back then, which is a pretty interesting bit of information pertaining to virtual reality therapy. Although the virtual reality treatment protocols have advanced with our technical capabilities, surprisingly, the mode of the experience delivery is still very similar to what it was back then. So, what is virtual reality technology? It is essentially a headset comprised of glasses which house a computer screen in its lenses and a set of headphones. A client will wear the headset, watching a scene indicative of a 360 degree experience they fear (i.e. the taking off of an airplane) on the computer screen, while also wearing the headphones which deliver the sound of the actual feared experience. When a client presents for therapy at the VRMC, they will initially go through a 90-minute to 2-hour initial assessment with a licensed therapist. There will be no VR used in that session and it will probably feel like most any other initial assessment at a therapist’s office. What happens next is where it veers from traditional therapy. Since the treatment is to get a person exposed to their feared situation, the first few sessions are comprised of stress-response skill building. Examples of this are relaxation strategies and deep breathing techniques. The client will be encouraged to practice this in between sessions in order to prep them for their 360 degree immersive sessions. After that, the Virtual Reality fun really begins! The VR sessions are 20-minutes of exposure to the feared stimulus wearing the VR headset. While the client is in their immersive experience, the clinician in the room is monitoring the client’s physiological responses through heart and breathing monitors. The session does not seek to “flood” the client with fear (as some phobia treatment protocols do), but rather, the supervising clinician will provide the client with “just enough” stimulation each time to raise their anxiety little by little until they can handle a full immersive experience from start to finish.
white-headset-for-web-e1432575547104-250x300.jpg" alt="">This is a Virtual Reality system that uses a smart phone as a display
Virtual Reality Re-Training of Combat Veterans
The Virtual Reality Medical Center has very high rates of success- upwards of over 90% for certain phobias. This is a tremendous number in the world of treatment statistics. After focusing on treating phobias for so many years, Drs. Wiederhold and their team have branched out over the past 10 years to expanding their treatment protocols to treating combat veterans/Wounded Warriors with Post traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
The VRMC’s work with combat trauma clients was born out of their work with survivors of Motor Vehicle Accidents (MVAs) with PTSD. When they realized they were effective with treating the trauma of the MVA survivors, they began to run research trials on developing initial protocols and treating combat trauma survivors. Combat trauma survivors have high rates of what’s called co-morbid, or co-occurring struggles. Most commonly, the co-morbid problems are traumatic brain injuries, substance use disorders (drugs or alcohol), and domestic violence/anger management problems. Treating the PTSD successfully can vastly decrease or even eliminate the incidents of these very serious co-morbid problems. The well-known problem with treating the veteran population from the civilian world has consistently been retention in treatment. The unique nature of the military experience and the combat-centered life has traditionally posed struggles in trusting the civilian therapist. The thinking has been that the civilian therapists “don’t know what it’s like” and the experience of being in theater is not an experience that’s even close to being easy to relate to. The nature of the structure of the VRMC’s protocol is such that the presenting Veteran doesn’t have to worry about having to “re-tell” his war stories. He/she knows that after the initial assessment session, they will be taught skills, and then be exposed to the stimulus scene. Dr. Wiederhold pointed out that since the current veterans are predominantly of the age of the video game generation, for as much as VR re-training is not a video game, it is helpful that the method of re-training delivery is similar to that of a video game. The retention rate has been over 90% and the “re-training” success rate has been about 80%. This is an outstanding statistic no matter what population one is treating, but to have it as the statistic for treating a population that has had such a historically difficult time staying engaged in treatment is really something to take notice of!
But What Does Virtual Reality Therapy Feel Like?
After the formal recorded interview was over, Dr. Wiederhold let me explore the clinic and the equipment. I got to experience an introduction virtual reality experiential session. I was led into an office that looked like a regular generic office – lots of computers on the table top, but nothing that screamed, “You are about to enter a combat zone!” But that’s exactly what I did. I was strapped into the head piece. It was rather comfortable – it felt like what I imagine watching a movie on the lenses of my sunglasses would feel like with the surround sound coming through the headphones. Dr. Wiederhold set up my scene and adjusted my lens for me. Next thing I knew, I was a passenger in a Humvee with my driver and my gunner standing behind me. I didn’t know what to expect as we drove through the village. About 7 or 8 minutes in, I felt my anxiety rise and said to Dr. Wiederhold, “I’m worried that I’m going to miss the blast if I look away”. I was concerned I was watching a potential “real combat” scene. The good doctor assured me he didn’t set me up in a trauma scene – I would not be blown up or shot at. He explained that the voyage I was on was part of a 20-minute Stress Inoculation Scene. This is one of the scenes they are now just beginning to use to get soldiers ready for going to a war zone (I’ll explain more about that in the next section). What I witnessed was driving through an Iraqi town outskirts, and then through a small village. There were people milling about and if I turned my head in any direction, I got a full 360 degree experience- even saw what my feet would look like all geared-up! I really can say that I could see the benefit of getting used to the new scenery before someone is sent there. It is anxiety provoking due to all the unknowns. Getting desensitized to the environment would allow a soldier to possibly be able to more effectively stay present and focused on the potential threats in the area versus having to be aware of every little bit of new stimuli. I was definitely sold on the experience!
I’d love on a return visit to try out a phobia scene – I’ve pretty much conquered a long-time fear of heights, but I’d love to experience that scene. Reason #10 to definitely convince Dr. Wiederhold to let me interview him some more!
I’m getting ready for my VR experience
The Future Possibilities for Virtual Reality Re-Training of other Veteran Populations
The Virtual Reality Medical Center seems to be constantly engaging in research to expand their treatment capabilities. As I mentioned in my experience with the goggles on, they are now doing research in the area of what’s called Stress Inoculation Therapy. According to MentalHelp.net, Stress Inoculation Therapy (SIT) is “a psychotherapy method intended to help patients prepare themselves in advance to handle stressful events successfully and with a minimum of upset. The use of the term “inoculation” in SIT is based on the idea that a therapist is inoculating or preparing patients to become resistant to the effects of stressors in a manner similar to how a vaccination works to make patients resistant to the effects of particular diseases”. The VRMC is not only utilizing this therapy to prepare active-duty troops, but they are also using it to prepare the combat-zone medical professionals. The medics going to our war zones may be used to seeing blood and bodily trauma, but because of potential sheer volume and severity of the traumas they could be subjected to on a regular basis, they have implemented SIT training for the medic staff. (I’ve posted a couple of pics of the training materials). They use fake wounds and blood to desensitize these doctors and better prepare them to stay focused on their tasks at hand.
kit-for-web-e1432592212127-218x300.jpg" alt="">The VRMC is utilizing the Stress Inoculation Therapy protocol to prepare troops for entering the combat zones. The work the VRMC is doing is focused on coming up with strategies that seek to decrease the risk of PTSD even happening. Wouldn’t that be amazing!
But wait! They’re not stopping there! They have already had the opportunity to send VR equipment to Fallujah and treat troops on base. Established research on treating trauma-related symptoms has demonstrated that the earlier a trauma survivor receives treatment, the better the results of that treatment. With the VRMC being able to equip the war-zone medical centers with the virtual reality technology, there’s no telling how many troops could be spared some really intrusive emotional repercussions. I’ll look forward to finding out at our next meeting what they’ve been able to implement as far as protocols in combat-zone bases.
And there’s more!! When I was prepping for this interview, someone asked me if the VRMC treats Vietnam War veterans. I asked that question to Dr Wiederhold. They are, in fact, beginning to design those protocols. Treating this population would pose different obstacles to overcome: the time removed from the trauma incident, their possible lack of comfort with using the technology, and, of course, getting funding form the Department of Veteran’s Affairs to provide such treatment. In order to get that sort of finding, they will need to conduct research, which also means having access to that population, which certainly is not as readily available as our current veterans. However, after learning about all that they do, I’m sure if the Drs. Wiederhold and their team believe they have a protocol that can help heal this population, they will do everything possible to find a way to deliver it to them.
It was a pleasure and a privilege to spend this time at the Virtual Reality Medical Center and with Dr. Wiederhold. Thank you!
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