Once in a while, we do something that marks a “before” and “after.” 

This list, for me, was one of those things. The defeated, desperate, broken person I was at the beginning is far from the determined, risk-taking, brave person who I became by number 50. And because the list never quite ended, I simply stopped counting, my progress continues and, a year and a half after completing the list, I’m finding bigger and better ways to challenge myself. This journey has come to a close, but our Patreon show will continue with Rob and myself discussing what our life has been like after number 50. We hope you will join us. Until then, thank you for listening and sharing this journey with me. I truly hope that you will make a list of your own and break through the fear that is holding you back. 

Completing the list was scary, writing the posts, that would eventually become the podcast, was scary, recording each podcast was scary, but none of that came close to the insane courage and vulnerability required for me to get through the terror of doing number 50 on the list... I Shared My List.

 

 

When something is scary, we avert or close our eyes. We don’t watch. We don’t look at it. We close our eyes and wait for it to be over, right? Someone will take away the scary or gross thing, the scene in the movie will be over and you’ll be able to come out from under the blanket. So when I found out that what I feared most was about to be shown on a large screen in front of me, my first instinct was to close my eyes and wait for it to be over, but I didn’t. I challenged myself to face it and watch every second of it with my eyes fixed on the screen which is how I found myself doing number 48 on my list... I Watched the Live Feed at Take-Off and Landing

Is there anything scarier than approaching a group as an outsider? For me, in the moment, I couldn’t think of anything harder to do. They were having fun and in mid-conversation. All I could think about was, “What if I interrupt and they stare at me awkwardly? What if I’m not welcome?” Forcing my legs to move me across the street and my brain to be quiet despite my terror is what led to number 47 on the list... I approached a group of fans at the pole. 

I’ve spent my life hiding and so much of my list reflects that fact as I’ve repeatedly fought to break out of that pattern. It hasn’t gotten easier. I think some things have, the more I’ve been exposed to them, but not this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t push through my fear, yet again, and do number 46 on my list...talked to Gillian without a shield. 

If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below.

Patreon @brokentobrave

I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  

Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn

WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com

Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast

Twitter @broken2brave

Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

 

I could have stayed on the bench. I could have been content with just getting on the ride. It was a big step. It could have been enough, but then I wouldn’t know if I was capable of more. I wouldn’t have seen the view which looked so very different from the window. I wouldn’t have a shared experience with Rob and Molly, and I was really tired of the disconnect that comes when you live trapped in fear and anxiety. So I got off the bench and forced myself to do number 44 on the list... I stood at the window. 

 

I have always been terrified of heights. I don’t like rides that go up in the air. I’m also afraid of drowning. I’m not a good swimmer and I have asthma which adds another layer of anxiety for me. The one absolute I had when we were planning our trip to London was that I would not be riding the London Eye. Rob and Molly could go on together and I would wait for them safely on the ground where I belong. As soon as we approached it, though, I knew I couldn’t fall back into my old patterns. I knew I had to face my fear of heights and my fear that the ride was above water which is how I found myself doing number 43 on the list... I rode the London Eye. 

 

 

It seems there are endless ways to numb out these days. We don’t have to look very far for ways to distract ourselves. The problem is that it only prolongs the inevitable. We have to feel the feelings eventually whether we like it or not. This was the last layer of the work I had been doing throughout this list. Notice it, name it, feel it, and let it go was working to a point, but I seemed to get stuck and/or prolonged the process or wanted to dull the residual pain with “treats” for having endured difficult feelings. Working the entire process and not reaching for my crutches, for the first time, was number 42 on my list... I didn’t numb out. 

If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below.

Patreon @brokentobrave

I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  

Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn

WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com

Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast

Twitter @broken2brave

Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.

Tattoos are a way of marking a moment or a feeling or an event. They tell a portion of our story. They are a visual reminder and I desperately needed a visual reminder that I am safe. That I can let go. To pick up that pen and write. Sounded easy enough until I remembered that to get that visual reminder I must first allow someone to inject my skin with ink and a needle. Facing my fear of both of those things is what led me to number 41 on my list...got tattoos. 

If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse's perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below.

Patreon @brokentobrave

I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  

Podcast Broken to Brave on Libsyn

WebsiteBrokenToBrave.com

Facebook @BrokentoBravePodcast

Twitter @broken2brave

Please rate and review Broken to Brave wherever you listen to this podcast. It truly helps others find the show and hopefully can help others, like myself, to become braver in their own lives and to heal.