Cry Me a Riverdale is a deconstructive look by deconstructive boyshapes Jon Risinger (On the Spot) and Mikey Neumann (Movies with Mikey) that seeks to illuminate new things about the show Riverdale. These two super-sleuths will break it all down, Encyclopedia Brown-style, and unlock the secrets of a show that never should have existed in the first place.
Chapter 30: No description this week because we were joined by the co-writer of this very episode: Britta Lundin! You can tell Jon is excited. It's kind of adorable.
But Did You Know: Britta wrote a very good book and you should very check it out! http://www.brittalundin.com/projects/
Chapter 29: Hiram's plans start to unravel and it puts Archie in a precarious situation, Jughead gets serious about what being an activist actually means, and Fred considers shopping for a new son because his old one got kinda broken.
Chapter 25: Archie goes down that twisted well of mobster activity, Ronnie both worries and doesn't worry about that exact thing, and the beheaded statue takes center, headless stage. Cheryl isn't in this episode. (with Special Guest, Mikey's sister, Stephanie!)
Chapter 24: Being openly manipulated by Hiram, Archie takes up wrestling, Betty finds out some things out about Chic people probably shouldn't be shaming in 2018, and HAL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER INVENTED DIE IN A BEAR, HAL.
BONUS EPISODE: Smallville gets BIG on this week's CMAR. If you see one episode of Smallville, make it the pilot. And then listen to us talk about Superman a lot--a whole lot--an embarrassing amount--it's all Superman this week.
Chapter 22: Veronica gets her hands dirty(er,) Betty and Archie get up close and recklessly personal with the Black Hood, and Jughead stares off into the distance, longingly. Our 2017 Riverdale FINALE (we'll be back next week, though, with a SURPRISE).
Chapter 21: Jughead and Betty get some unexpected and hugely welcome news about F.P. Jones, Archie and Veronica figure out they can't communicate so well, AND THEN EVERYTHING SUCKS FOREVER AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD *SLAMS DOOR*
Chapter 19: Mayor McCoy and Sheriff OCP lose their damn minds, Jughead stands up to them losing their damn minds, and Betty searches for the illusive Sugarman (who has almost certainly lost his or her damn mind).
Chapter 18: Betty gets gaslit by the best of 'em, Ronnie's ghoul comes back to BE HORRIBLE ALWAYS FOREVER, and somebody gets exactly what is coming to them.
Trigger warning for real: episode contains attempted sexual assault.
Chapter 17: Betty makes a lot mistakes, Archie makes way more mistakes, the town begins to fracture at the seams, sides become a lot harder to draw, and we are no longer bleeping swearing because it's so infrequent anyway. Love youuuuuuu.
Chapter 15: As terror looms over the kids of Riverdale, Betty takes on yet another side project to wildly fantastic results, and Jughead learns that actions are going to have consequences--oh--and Archie buys a gun because the store was out of brains. RIVERDALE!
BONUS EPISODE: Tonight on Cry Me a Gilmore Girls: The Pilot. A lot of people talk a lot and it's great. That's the show. Hope you like talking because now we're gonna talk about all of this talking on the talking show. It's a show where people actually work shit out by talking. And they talk WELL.
BONUS EPISODE: The off-season continues with a surprise dinker of a show pilot! Mikey and Jon will tackle THE VAMPIRE DIARIES and things do not go smoothly. Will they survive? Does it matter if they do? No one knows so let's go.
BONUS EPISODE: The off-season begins! Mikey and Jon will choose some shows at least one of them had put off seeing ... until now. Welcome to the off-season, where the rules don't follow the rules *WRESTLING NOISE* Welcome to Cry Me A The O.C.!
Chapter 10: Fred attempts to finalize his divorce much to Archie's unsurprising objection, there's a party to end of parties, Jughead has a problem with birthdays, and we finally meet Archie's mother and it does not disappoint.
Chapter 9: Archie makes a series of unfortunate decisions, Ethel is back from the Stranger Things' Upside-down death-jail, and Alice continues to experiment with this thing we like to call "empathy and human emotions."
Chapter 8: Archie and his friends do the obvious thing you know is going to happen from the outset but a Moose gets wounded, so of course Archie plunges headlong into violent gang activity. Also, Betty's Mom turns over every leaf in the neighborhood.
Chapter 7: Cheryl does something illegal. Sheriff Old Chris Pine does something illegal. Fred Andrews does something illegal. JugDad does something illegal. All of the other parents do something illegal. Riverdale is illegal.
Chapter 6: Archie makes every bad decision he can, somehow screwing over Val, Josie, and Veronica MULTIPLE TIMES in the process, while Betty and Jughead galavant in B-plot territory that should be A-plot territory. Oh, and all the parents in the entire town continue to set a fresh, new bar for being garbage people.
Chapter 5: The Blossoms hold a funeral and memorial for their dearly departed son--as only they can. Veronica's mom reaches out once again to Fred with less-mixed signals this time, and Betty tightens her Nancy Drew hat while wearing a Hardy Boys shirt.