Have you ever had the experience of feeling like someone really ‘gets you’?   This can take various forms - like being able to share what’s on our mind and the other person holding space for us to explain. It can also be reflected in their ability to mirror back what we are saying with their own words.  When I hear people talk about this experience, it often involves some form of dialogue.   But there are levels of this experience that are non verbal and that began a long time ago in preverbal forms. Many of us rely on talking to co-regulate and attempt to be understood. But it’s important for us to understand all of the signals, sensations and frequencies that occur underneath, before and beyond what we are actually saying.   Listen on Spotify Listen on iTunes Listen on Blubrry   The tricky thing is that most of us aren't aware enough of how we move our body, eyes and face in ways that are based on our past experiences and that don't help us get what we really want from our relationships.   These signals are part of our social nervous system. This system allows us to display signals to others that allow them to understand our internal experiences, and for us to know what another's internal state and intended action is towards us.  Without these mechanisms for transmitting and receiving these signals, we would miss out on information that is critical for our survival.   There are so many ways that our brain-body system uses to portray what we are feeling inside to the external world.  It does this by creating audible, visible and mechanical signals so that someone else can hear, see and sense what might be going on for us.   There are 6 aspects of this social frequency feedback system that I’ve integrated into a framework that has emerged from the years of work I’ve done in terms of: * measuring internal body and brain states (through heart rate variability, brainwaves, facial muscle movement and skin conductance), * neurocognitive testing (such as emotional bias), * behavioral observations of clients and patients who are having mental health, interpersonal and personal life challenges.  I’m combining this with perspectives from several additional researchers (papers listed below).  I go into each of these in detail in today’s podcast episode, but here is an overview:   Signal Seeking & Expression: This is where we use the complex machinery of our facial muscles, eyes and voice to display and detect extraordinarily subtle signals that point to our internal state and intended action.   The tiny, lightning fast movement of our eyes towards specific features in another  The movement of facial muscles (such as tiny muscles around our nose that can indicate disgust. These muscles can activate not just in terms of disgust at rotting food, but also in terms of moral disgust towards people we stereotype - see Lasana Harris’ work on this - I was one of his research assistants at NYU).https://www.ucl.ac.uk/pals/research/experimental-psychology/person/lasana-harris/ The movement of muscles that change the frequency of our voice in accordance with our internal state and intended action The movement of our eardrums in parallel with our eye gaze (our eardrums move in the opposite direction of where our eyes have shifted)