WOOOOSH! Kaboom! “I gotta fly this big bird REALLY fast!” Wow, aren’t airplanes neat? Gosh, what CAN’T the military-industrial complex do? If there’s anything, I don’t wanna know. Fly a jet into my eye and pop it out my heart, so I die filled with AIRPLANE. Inside Devon’s coma Liturgical Reading: “Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich” A prophecy PROFOUND We return two weeks from now with a Story for your eager ears to gulp up like a hot hot soup. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

Look! A shooting star! Close your eyes and make a wish. Are you doing it? Good … good. What’s that? It feels like someone is stealing your wallet? Shh shh, that’s just the wish doing its thiiing. Hush, child, and next time: remember to carry CASH, baybeeeee. Wishes from Congregants Brother Reid’s Wish: “Truthy Truthy” More Wishes for Cheddar-Tossin ‘Grants Pastor Andrew’s Wish: “Bigger” WAGE-A-WISH HERO OF THE CENTURY: Erica! Devon’s “Wish”: “United States of Wishing” Concluding Remarks In two weeks a familiar friend will return to WOW us with some high octane Story deeds. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

It’s always the BOY! The BOY the BOY the BOY! Behind the curtain? The BOY! Under the floor? The BOY! Hiding inside your mouth, yanking on your tongue and poking your tonsils? THE BOY. The only thing better than HIM is a free trial of the new, very real TSMBT Silver Streaming+! It’s the future of content! Featuring: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left) as THE BOY Ed Larson (Brighter Side) as interviewer and paramedic 911 Call Liturgical Reading: The Boy: Omega Rising - A TSMBT Silver Streaming+ Free Trial! The Departure of the Paramedics Tune in a couple weeks from now for a new Are You Afraid of the Story! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

In this, the 6th and final part of Good Night My Love, we finally say Good Night … but to WHOM? My Love? Be honest: why are you even reading the episode description? Huh, Chester? You KNOW what the deal is. Just honk on in, ya goob! Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Steve O’Brien (xmas futures) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Betsy Winchester Parks (Murderfist, The Dog The Boy) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation An Unfortunate Turn for Cedric Liturgical Reading: Good Night My Love 6 Conclusion We return in a couple weeks with something decidedly different. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

No one ever talks about what religion aliens are. Is it Protestant? I bet a lot of them are Methodists. If I met an alien, I’d ask it two questions: 1) are you receptive to internalizing shame? 2) have you heard the good word of the Story? Good Night My Love continues with TEEN SAM. Nothing wrong can happen in a Catholic school! Content warning: self harm, Catholicism. Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation MORE CEDRIC MORE CEDRIC MUCH MORE CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Good Night My Love 5 Concluding CEDRIC The series concludes in two weeks with part 6. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Grandmas and Grandpas will give you a Bible and then YELL at you. Can’t trust a Grandma to buy the right Cro-Croa, can’t ask a Grandpa to turn off the TV. Ughh, but sometimes: you need ‘em. Today, we return to the Good Night My Love series for the first of three concluding parts. Listen to parts 1-3, episodes 103, 118, and 119 respectively, to catch up and ENJOY. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Featuring: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) MJ Knefel (Page 7) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC! Invocation CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Good Night My Love 4 Concluding Remarks The series continues in two weeks with part 5. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Wowee wow wow! Is it the false holiday already? Gosh oh fuck, what a blesséd surprise! Join the clergy as we goof and gab our way through the falsest holiday of them all, with nary a commercial or six! That's right, the 522 Club has for THIS EPISODE dropped its patreon veil and is blooming in every ear far n wide OK??? We’ll have a buncha new episodes SOON in the new year. If you even DARE doubt me I will CUSS at you. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

It’s always raining here. The rain will soak you cold, but it is your task that will break you. Freedom is trapped inside the box, and it is everything outside that is a prison. Invocation Petitions Liturgical Reading: “In Violet Light” Concluding Remarks We’ll have a special lil loosey goosey holiday special for ya in a couple weeks. Return! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Witness as Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew pitch their hot new film experience: Plunk! Is this their big break? Is the church done for? What does it sound like when a battery leaves a human colon? Listen to find out! Meeting Mr. P.P. Brothers “Plunk!” Concluding Remarks In two weeks, tune in for whatever is to FOLLOW. Stock music from Envato.com is used in this episode. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

There are photos of you lost in a drawer, floating in a liminal space, waiting to be seen. You will recognize the face but not the scene, know your age but not the year. Our past is a secret; it is better to pray for loss than for revelation. Invocation Brother Reid’s Big News Liturgical Reading: Rakija Departure Come back in two weeks, and witness our big meeting with Mr. P. P. Brothers! Gosh, maybe we’ll MAKE IT BIG. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Curiosity killed no cat—it was POISON. That rotten child, that BOY did it. His face is every child’s face Miss Paker will see, as she instructs the children in the Truth of her Lord. Guest Preacher: Julie Rosing (www.ineedana.com) Invocation Children’s Awards Liturgical Reading: Miss Paker’s Cats Closing, Disrobing Fourteen days are required for the Story to regenerate and birth again. Check in and cherish what we spew for youuuu nexxxttttt POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

An Intruder has intruded upon the livestock, a malefactor produced by dining on death. Yearn for it. Search the brains for its presence, not unlike a gold panner. Yup, real gooey labor, but rewarding. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants True Liturgical Reading: An Intruder Invoked Closing, Disrobing In two weeks we will come again to deliver you another profound truth! Or some weird shit. Either/or! POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

It is vital while listening to this Story to not get sidetracked, lost in the details, or thrown off course from your original aim. To amble, disengage focus, or, in other words, become distracted. No! Pay attention! Lest you forget the reason you began to begin with, from the beginning, until the end of where the beginning began. A Seance Profound Liturgical Reading: It Was A Monday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization He'd Lost Track Of Time, Making His Day Far More Difficult Than Expected Revelation Two weeks until the Story finds you DISTRACTED ohhh what did we tell you? POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

BIG SCIENCE NEWS: scientists created the ANNOYING ROBOT beep boop! Uhhh knock knock, who’s there? It’s the future of ROBOT. Look out, because an annoying robot can do what no robot could do before: manage a thriving fast food chain OK??? Guest Preacher: Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, twitch.tv/holdenatorsho) The Clergy’s Wendy’s Order Liturgical Reading: Peter Robot Saves Wendy’s Consumption The next Story is out NEXT WEEK so we stay on DANG schedule OK??? MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

You are the life of your elders. They go to bed thinking about you. Give them a call. Share your life. Without it, they won’t have one. Guest voices: John Moreno, Betsy Winchester Invocation Dismissals Liturgical Reading: Howard Closing Statements Um, come back ok? Please? The Story is so LONELY without you. You have to PROMISE. Meet the Story here in two weeks you HAVE to. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Lotions, candles, and hand sanitizers: turn me into these when I die. I gotta BASK in seasonal scents, and if you give me a sales event? Ohhh you can digest me in your mechanical colon for a WEEK, dear overlord. Become a part of the loving corporate body! Invocation Pastor Andrew’s Coerced Testimony Liturgical Reading: I’m a Bustling Beehive Closing Statements The Story resumes its truth in two weeks. Will you be there to witness? Your answer: YES. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Are you n-n-n-nervous? Does it prevent you from serving our glorious economy? For SHAME! Remember this one truth: all mental health is secondary to the will of the oligarchs, ok???? Invocation Liturgical Reading: The Anxiolytic Further Fractures The Story has a HOT sniff of you, and it can now find you wherever you live. Expect its knock in two weeks! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Meiosis is the process by which cells cut themselves in half to make halfling children wriggling alone in the dark incomplete forever. A farming accident is the process by which Sal lost his danglin’ nuts. Learn how the two are CONNECTED. Invocation Petitions for the Newly Greastised Liturgical Reading: Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay Conclusions You will always seek the Story, and in two weeks, your efforts will yield F-F-F-FRUIT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Lay down in the dirt and take a lil nap called DEATH. Yep! The Story is here to tell you: ain’t no one gonna stay alive forever except a few jellyfish. Accept your demise and send your memories to hell, uh huh. Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Inevitability of Death Closing Apologies The Story will find you again in two weeks and you can’t even STOP it. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

In their masses, human beings amplify emotion until the smallest sensations become shared, tangible links. But we are floating alone in the void and cannot remember touch. Recall human contact and become confused! Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Robot Liturgical Reading: Warmth and Dissolution Closing Statements In two weeks more Story is gonna pull up to your orb and demand entry. GRANT. IT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

This TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY, Gods will come from near and far to DUKE IT OUT. Which God has what it takes? Ohhhh take a listen, and hear how your personal God fares in the 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress! Invocation Announcement about Stickers, Live Show Liturgical Reading: The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress Closing Statements Check back in two weeks and a new Story loaf will rise from our yeasty declarations. STICKERS: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Hoo hoo, says the owl. Then the owl says, boo hoo hoo. Avian tears are a delicacy, and even geniuses will spend their grant money to ensure ornithological agony. Sorry birds! Mice gotta chew, cats gotta scratch, and humans gotta CRUEL. Invocation Psalm Reading Liturgical Reading: Undoing Nocturnal Closing Statements Story comes ‘round these parts every fortnight. Chunk down with us AGAIN. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Drip drip, get slippery. Splat splat, get WET. Water’s comin’, and it’s gonna SOAK ya, bub. Down to the BONE. Unless you don’t believe in the shivers, then in that case: there’s no water at ALL. Invocation Petitions for Real Good Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Great Flood Closing Statements More STORY in two weeks. Until then: stay DRY, chut. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a SAMPLER PLATTER—of the 522 Club! That’s right, Chet, we’re giving you a LIL sip of a LOT of patreon exclusive content, cha cha cha. Including: WHO WANTS IT with SISTER CALLISTA PA and DEVON chat JAR JAR YEAH JAR JAR Aaaaand you even get to hear DEACON ADAM discuss books with BR and PA! We got a spicy one coming in two weeks and thank ye for your patience. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a BUG. RNNNNNNGG RNG RNG RNGG, look out! A Big Bug Is Coming. Oh, even the clergy has a STORY or TWO about BUG. Don’t believe me? Oh, just TRY listening to a tale or three from: DEVON BROTHER REID And even: PASTOR ANDREW I’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, but not if you show me ‘ttude like this. Nuh UH. New shirt, ya goob: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Sorry I’m late, turns out TRAFFIC. Ughhh traffic always gets in the way, especially of car, and most especially: truck. What can we do about traffic? Lots! But I’ll tell you what: it won’t stop the suffering. TRUCKS RADIOS Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Route” RAGE We’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, don’t even doubt me. New shirt alert, WEAR it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Try to draw a picture of your own face. Do you know where all the pieces belong? If you forgot what you looked like, you’d never be able to recreate it. Invocation A SHIRT Liturgical Reading: “Self-Portrait” A SHIRT Yeah we got a new shirt so go DO it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Suck in your gut. Pucker up your lips! Hock, pull, and reLEASE Good: you just spat out your own brain, ya dumb dumb. Get it outta there! Your brain can’t make you happy, and four out of five bodies agree. P’too! Invocation Shh Thoughts haha Liturgical Reading: “The Brain, The Body” Rocks Get out of the dog kennel, and put on your Tuesday best, ‘cause we’ll be back with a new Story in two weeks. P’too! Featuring the hot gym track Sports Beat by BerryDeep. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Pay attention to this STORY and DON’T get DISTRACTED, like you would while holding the hand of the Archduke’s son while the world’s coal-tossing competition progressed a mere thirteen feet away. The Archduke of course demanded a close view, given his failing eyesight, but also his failing sense of smell and taste. He ate meals for hours, and never once had a drink, afraid to wash away the paste before he could enjoy the flavor. Now, his son mind you is a hemophiliac, and as such has taken to a life of precaution. His mother held his hand on long walks, while crossing the trolleyways, and eventually, while he slept and bathed. While she is on vacation, I’ve been charged to take her stead, given my similar height and smooth pristine hands. “Not a scar!” the Archduke declared upon inspection weeks prior. “Not a mole not a freckle!” Now, coal-tossing is a sport with an ancient, but complicated lineage… Invocation Petitions for Steadfast Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Was a Sunday…” Get on in on this, on and in and on, again on, again in, on and on in and again. ‘Nother Story in a fortnight, ya goober. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Ohhh Young Robert. Oh! Young Robert! Everyone LOVES Young Robert. He’s sailing for America! He encounters DANGER. But who IS Young Robert? One thing for sure: he’s young! Chunk down to www.thestorymustbetold.com to buy a book, ya goob. The Annual Story fund-a-thon Donations A Very Special Episode of Young Robert We are taking a much needed break for the next episode, so Stories will resume Jan 18. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Shh shhhhh go to www.thestorymustbetold.com and buy a book shh shhh it’s actually just links to the Amazon purchase pages shh shhh you don’t have to give us your info we already HAVE it. A mother can be anything. A frog. A bunch of rocks. Devon, apparently. But the one thing a mother can’t be? FREE from the STORY. Look look, uh oh it’s coming for youuuu. Featuring Steve Pasieka as “Christopher” www.twitch.tv/skulkers Invocation Petitions for the Honest Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Hard to be a Mother” Concluding Prayer Two more weeks until the final episode of the year. You will join us I can already tell. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Slop some STORY into your palms with our NEW book: Seasons of the Story. Buy here: www.thestorymustbetold.com Meow meow, bark bark, tweet tweet, sublimate sublimate. We all become ONE in the PetSmart. We all become ONE in LOVE, even if it hurts! And it WILL. Guest Preacher: Amber Nelson (Brighter Side and Some Place Under Neith podcasts) Invocation Psalm: How Much is That Doggy with the Masters Degree? Liturgical Reading: “The Sublimation of PetSmart” Concluding Prayer Give us two weeks to refresh the load in the Story trough, and we can FEAST again. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Our book is the ONLY truth EVER. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com Who will you meet in the mystery woods? Uh oh, maybe someone niiiiice. But can you trust anyone you meet in the mystery woods? Don’t ask me, CHURT. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Bearer of Light” The Song of Psalms In two weeks we’ll be waiting for you inside your own heart with a fresh Story. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Our BOOK is out, Chester. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com For the past year, every month on the Story Discord, our congregants submit original psalms in a CONTEST OF STORY TRUTH. We have read the winners and present them here for YOU. Join the discord and submit at https://discord.gg/9QUv46G. It’s typically for patreon members, but our kindly moderators grant access to SWEETHEARTS no matter their amount of sticky cheddar. THE PSALMS -A Psalm from the book of Grandmas Gone Gone - by Crodyman, www.pulpfrombeyond.com -A lil sip from the mug of gar-fi-eld to the congregation - Kristofferson De, lulu.com/spotlight/ilovedatoasteronce -Passing - Greslo -You Can Always Trust a Taurus - Jacob Rook, Instagram @asbestoscake -My Pen Pal Liturgical Director Carl - Foxy, FwaygoOfficial.redbubble.com -Sarabeth Went Fishing - ghastlygrapher, twitter.com/ghastlygrapher -The Crowning of JoBo REDUX - Jarrod, TWITCH.TV/THESTORYMUSTBEROLLED -The Juice Cleanse - Rachel Weinberg, instagram @cursedcollages, writing on rachelwriteshorror.wordpress.com -I am BUGS - Choirboy RBT, punkswithlunch.org MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

No Story today, Chester, just a big CHUNK of NEWS: The Story Must Be Told is releasing its first book ... OF STORIES. Mark your humble calendar for OCTOBER 26th when the goodness of the Story plops down on you! 15 of your favorite Stories, plus a BRAND NEW STORY bigger and chunkier that will forever live in the book EXCLUSIVE. Artwork by celebrated congregant Sishir Bommakanti! A foreword by Lil Tad Taster himself for the most part! Follow us on @tsmbtpod on Twitter and Instagram for the PLOP TIME, and keep your peepers PEELED, CHUCK.

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Story. The Story who? The Story Must Be Told. Anyway, this episode was sponsored on Patreon.com/tsmbt by congregant Thomas K. Oh congregant, you will RUE the day you gave us your hard earned cheddar. We thank you! Invocation Psalm: “A Box of Family” Liturgical Reading: “Stalkers” Closing Prayer We are taking off the next episode, but we’ll be back with a special announcement. Our book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

How many living people do you equal? When they gather, what do they say about you? Do they miss you? Where did you go? Have they noticed you’re gone? The Story answers: none, no, no, nowhere, no. Invocation Psalm: “The Joke About A Noisy Dog” Liturgical Reading: “Doogie Reassembled OR The Incident” A Startling Revelation Phew, wasn’t sure I’d make it to the end of this here episode description. Stay by my side, two weeks if you can, when the Story will TEST me again. Our book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

A big city is just stuffed fulla the dead. Can’t walk a corner or occupy a room no one ain’t died in before. It’s what we call “pre-war charm.” Invocation Accusations Liturgical Reading: “Homesick” A Startling Revelation If I see you around these parts two weeks from now for another episode, I’ll know true it was love we shared today. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

OK. OK we gave him a CHANCE. Yep, we let Devon in on the Story game. Don't get mad at me! GEEZ. Invocation Story: "Songs from the Devon Floor" Outro Two weeks until we STORY you down AGAIN. In this episode: J.S. Bach - Violin Partita No. 2 - 4. Gigue C.W. Gluck - Melody from Orpheus G. Rossini - William Tell Overture E. Satie - Gnossienne No. 1 F.B. Conti - Il Mio Bel Foco J.S. Bach - Prelude in C Major, BVW 846 Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Woof ruff woof ar-oof woof woof. Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff roo roo. Grrrrrrr. Yip yip yip yip! Nnnn nnnn nnn! Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (preorder his book at https://www.amazon.com/Bathroom-People-Pooping-Peeing-Escape/dp/1250782694) Featuring Betsy Winchester Parks (The Dog The Boy) Invocation Testimony for Dogs Liturgical Reading: “Wet Dog Smell” A Startling Revelation In two weeks you’ll be BEGGING for a new Story. Heh heh, and we’ll give it to ya, too. In this episode: Erik Satie - Gymnopédies No. 1 W.A. Mozart - Requiem in D Minor, K. 626 - VIII. Lacrimosa Frédéric Chopin - Prelude in E Minor (Op. 28, No. 4) Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Egon wins the lottery. But this isn’t a fun lotto like Shirley Jackson’s—it gets serious! Slurp slurp, if you can. Invocation Psalm: “The Most Comfortable Sectional” Liturgical Reading: “Egon Wins The Lottery” Concluding Prayer Two weeks from now you’ll receive a Story so true you’ll be MAD at us. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Grandmas are tricky! You gotta love em, but also: fear em a bit. Learn from a grandma! Learn of devotion. Learn of guilt. Learn of the Story. Guest preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, tickets for Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again Tour on sale next week) Also featuring the voice talents of: Jackie Zebrowski John Moreno Seenna Ghaznavi Holden McNeely Ed Larson In two weeks check in again and I bet we’ll have another Story you better believe it. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Grandpas: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON for Grandmas: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Birdies go tweet tweet tweet, crows go caw caw caw, and ducks go, “I will destroy you.” Never trust a bird! FEAR a bird. Guest Preacher: Chris Fairbanks (Do You Need a Ride podcast with Karen Kilgariff, “Rescue Cactus” album on 800 Pound Gorilla Records) Invocation Liturgical Reading: Bad Bad Big Willy The New Bird Sounds of 2021 In two weeks the healthy pot of Story will boil a-gain. Sniff upon Its vapors. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Billy Joels: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for William Joels: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Who loves a HOT Cro-Croa??? Uhhhhh how about every-dang-body? Plump on it! What is Cro-Croa’s secret ingredient??? Uhhhhh who cares? Just chug it chug it CHUGIT. Can a living corporation be sated with just one human life??? Uhhhh wuddaya think, PAL? Feed yourself into the gears! Invocation Petitions for Generous, Kind, Honest Congregants Liturgical Reading: A Job at Cro-Croa Revelation Two weeks from now a new Story will be born among us, and we shall declare, “oooh mm mm mmm.” Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Regional District Managers: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for Consumer Connection Planning Managers: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Spooky monsters keep me running—running SCARED. But Pastor Andrew, heck, he CRAVES the stuff. To keep his greasy candle a-flickerin, Sis Callis and Big BR share some SPOOKY monster Stories. Chunk down! Story: The Curse of the Frase’s Return Story: The Gravefinger Come back in two weeks and we’ll still be here, eager for your embrace, holding a cup fulla STORY. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for the FRASE: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for the GRAVEFINGER: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Today is the Feast Day of Spaghett’, slurp slurp. Don’t let the marinara of prudence stain your white linen of virtue, gabbagool. Swirl this Story upon your fork and reflect: what has God ever given you that Story could not take away? Invocation A psalm judged by a jury of peers Story: The Soft Opening of Maison de Dieu A simple plea for Spaghett’ Proselytization, via @tsmbtpod Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for GOD: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for CHEF: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Every whale sings a song, and it goes like this: “Ohhh Oh noooo Don’t take my oiiiil” But who pays attention to lyrics? If a whale sang me anything, I wouldn’t hear a word over the crackle of WHALE OIL. This week’s service is sponsored by Mark O. O! might grease be spread upon thee. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Mark O’s Psalm So True Story: “The Age of Wind Power: a Brief History of the Origins of the Empire’s Second Industrial Revolution” Sneak Preview from the Story Children’s Choir Come back in two weeks or it’ll happen to YOU. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH YES: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON PLEASE: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Pleasure is hiding! PEEKABOO. Ohhh you have to SEEK pleasure. Search, and be warned: you will not find IT. IT will find YOU. When the Stranger appears from the alley and removes their glove, what will be waiting to tick-tick-tickle ya? A hand can be many things, even: fear itself. Invocation Psalm: More We Tolerate Story: “You’re Gonna Touch My Hand” Concluding Prayer After you’re absorbed into your new life, come back in two weeks for a new Story, ya goof! Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for gloves: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for hands: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Remember: Purkley Katzman was ground up by a bunch of gears. It was his own dang fault for not being gear-proof. Today, we share some of Purkley’s stupid, STUPID Stories, so we might remember: he got ground up by a bunch of gears. Invocation Psalm: Fuck You, Purkley Story: “More More More More MORE Stories” Concluding Prayer Come back in two weeks and we’ll all forget Purkley Katzman was ever alive, let alone ground up by a bunch of gears. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com More MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt More MORE PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Everybody’s working for the Story. Everybody’s working despite the Story. Everybody’s working because of the Story. The Story will strip you of meaning like a business sheds insurance coverage. Invocation Psalm: Pigs Aren’t Real Story: “Goodbye Pork Pie Hat” Concluding Prayer The Story is back in two weeks with something fresh for you to enjoy sip sip. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH honest: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON juicy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Welcome to our Church, our soon-to-be congregant. Are you familiar with our institution? Do you know the works of the Story? Are you looking to convert someone who the Story has so far denied? Listen to this "trailer," and perhaps enjoy the featured episodes: 77. After the Attack 45. It's My Right 60. They Made a Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera The Story's gonna getcha, haha.

The Story Must Be delayed a week, dear congregant. Shh, shhh, dry your eyes, child, for we put together a special treat to help you pass the time! Our faithful patrons selected their favorite chunks of our patreon exclusive podcast: the 522 Club. We have compiled them here for YOU. Listen down and CHUNK UP. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH true: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON fresh: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Here is the Story! Don’t get distracted! Not like I did at Taddy’s wedding, when the horse got loose. You see, a horse must learn every lesson with one eye then the other. Myself, I’ve always been left-eyed. Now, my uncle was right-eyed, but this was because of an incident at a barbecue with a long fork. Forks of over 5 inches in length should be classified as weapons, unless a person’s arm is so short that long utensils are not objects of violence, but convenience. I haven’t measured my arms for over a month now. Invocation Petitions for Honorable Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Was A Saturday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization The Day's Obligations Were Far More Complicated Than Anticipated” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com A lil bit of MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt A healthy glop of PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

VRRRRRRROOOOOWWW here comes the plane beep beep open wide. Let the Story be your words, your every thought. Open your mouth wide, the Story’s gonna land inside VRRRREOOOOOWWWW Invocation Psalm: “Plane Peepin’” Liturgical Reading: “Immortal, Forgotten Words” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch VRRRROOOOOOOAA: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon VRRRRROOOOOOOOWWW: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Come to my chest, sweet TOT, and suckle at my plastic feeding port. You can tell how much I love you by how calmly I wince. Shh shh shh, if that mockingbird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you some gasoline. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Featuring: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Invocation Psalm: “Meat-a-ball” Liturgical Reading: “Good Night My Love part 3” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch healthy: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon juicy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

We’ve been smelling fennel for weeks, and sure enough it’s because there’s MORE. Marcus caught the sniff, and Jackie too, you bet. Sniff along, and just see what ends up inside you, ya goof. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation The Feast of Saint Brandon Liturgical Reading: “Good Night My Love 2” Concluding Prayer The conclusion to Good Night My Love is coming in two weeks oh fresh fresh. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for YOU: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for ALSO YOU: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

We are taking a week off and sharing this recent Story so you might be fresh and PREPARED for the next two parts coming out in the new year. Marcus and Jackie will be returning for parts 2 and 3 of Good Night My Love. *** When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Story: “Good Night My Love” Template for Leaving Your Family Merch, for Hosts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Parasites: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Mark Twain's mummified corpse spins somewhere in a shallow grave fulla dirt n worms heh heh yeah you better BELIEVE. Chalmsberry Grib could palm Tom Sawyer like a basketball and dunk that skull until it was CHUNKS. Yeah, Chalmsberry Grib, you tricky tot, tell us: where did you come from? Hour 22 of the 522 Hour Story Fund-a-thon Donations Honest (www.patreon.com/tsmbt) Liturgical Reading: “The Adventures of Chalmsberry Grib” The Fund-a-thon Continues Stop what you're doing and CHUNK DOWN on our first ever book of poetry, fresh fresh. Over 70 psalms to delight thee, and illustrations gooey enough to clog a windpipe. We set our site to redirect to the curséd Amazon page, lo www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for Aunt Plusies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for Disemstoried Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

The Story snuck into your bedroom in the middle of the night and removed something you love. Will you notice what it took? Or will you pretend not to? It’s more comfortable to be a Story coward than a Story hero. I bet YOU could tell us allllll about that. Invocation Psalm: “Chromosome Dance” Liturgical Reading: “Fax Cover Sheet” Concluding Prayer We have a Story-darn book of gooey poetry out NOW for your humble eyes and palms. Over 70 psalms, a dozen healthy illustrations, and the BALLAD OF PREPSA in print for the first time. We set our site to redirect to the curséd Amazon page, lo www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for Characters: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for Authors: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

I got an arrhythmia and it starts with an S, and ends with a TORY. YEAH. My heart beats for the STORY, thump thump. Oooh, and if you open up your ears real wide, it’ll thump in you, too, tee hee. Cro-Croa Daytime Liturgical Reading: “The Voluntary Heart” Cro-Croa PM Thump thump, congregants, we’ll thump ya again in two thumps of the week’s thump. Merch for Daytime: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for PM: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt Ooh and some extra special merch coming soooooooon wink wink.

Child transformation! Spooky, scary. Boys becoming scaly, dads becoming sad. Enjoy the first Story channeled through our scabby assistant groundskeeper, Devon. The service to this glorious Story was crafted in conjunction with humble patron and VIP Story Glory Guard Congregant Dakota V! The Story’s gonna getchya, heh heh. Our Virtuous Guest Preacher: Danny Tamberelli (The Adventures of Danny and Mike podcast, Insta @dannytamberelli) Story Housecalls Invocation Psalm: “The Dogs of Marital Success” Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Keith” Mariba’s Gift Next service is in two weeks, heh heh. Merch for CROCS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for GATORS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Shhhh, breathe in. Breathe out. Keep breathing out. Out! OUT! I did NOT say “in.” OUT. Today, we calm it down, grease it up, and relax our minds into a state of responsive, ready terror. Breathe with us—and keep them pearly winkers SHUT. Story retreat Bonfire Liturgical Reading: “A Guided Meditation” Concluding Remarks In two weeks we’ll grease you up again, mm mmm Merch for THINKERS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for STINKERS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Hark! Praise! Today is Greasegiving! What a HOLY DAY. Today we learn every Truth, and witness the Greatest Story Of All Time. We honor Devon, for some reason. Also: there’s a psalm. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Psalm: “Lil Sips” Liturgical Reading: The Story of Revelation FEATURING Every Answer Ever Concluding Remarks Solos improvised by Al Piela https://alpiela.com/ We’ll see you in two weeks FRESH Merch for CHUGS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for SIPS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

It’s late, and a sweet lil Devon had another nightmare. Sounds like it’s time for some STORY. Cuddle up, wriggle your toes, and prepare yourself for three tales with the UTMOST loose connective tissue. Talkin’ ALIENS. YES. Matching Pajamas Liturgical Readings: “Chunk Riots” “The Pee Room” “Spooky Aliens!” Goodnight The Story is taking a well-deserved break. We will return with a new Story October 6th. There’s still a 522 Club next week for patreons! Merch for YOU: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for YOU AS WELL: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Ameri-come one and all, to the rootinest tootinest Story this here Story mouth ever done Storied. You better bet your ASS that Tim Allen pops up in this wild hogride. That’s just what happens when you AMERICA. Heartfelt Sentiments An Unwelcome Guest Liturgical Reading: “And America Makes Two!” A Welcome Guest Tuck your hand between your pits, clamp down, and tug. That’s how you salute THE STORY. Merch for Americans*: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for REAL Americans*: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt *or non-Americans. If you got cheddar, we ain’t stoppin’ no one, nuh uh

You’ll never miss no one as much as you miss CELEBRITY. CELEBRITY is how you know what it means to live. No one alive is happier than CELEBRITY—so when they die it’s a-mournin’ time, heh heh. HONK HONK, GRIEF GRIEF. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 Podcast, @jackthatworm on Instagram) Invocation Petitions for Dutiful Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Grief Market” Concluding Prayer In two weeks we can stew again in the hot flavors of STORY. Merch so HOT: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon so SENSUAL: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

The separation of church and state don’t mean SHIT. Yeah, mix em up, bay-bee. Gimme some church in my state, especially in my secret government directives, ooh ooh. What would the government do with our taxes, and faith in an unseen god? Perhaps, they’d try to take a lil ol peek, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Elliott Friesen Acoustic Guitar: Elliott Friesen Invocation Zoom difficulties Liturgical Reading: “The First Photo of God” Additional Difficulties Come back in two weeks for more truth, if you’re devout true. Holy Merch: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon Divine: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

A talking dog found today’s guest, who delivers a Story about SPICY, oh so sweet LOVE. Cardinal Larson, you rascal, and also: you tragic lover. Listen to this high octane friggin ride, and ask yourself: are you TOUGH ENOUGH to defend your love from a scorned A-list celebrity congregant? Invocation Cardinal Larson Returns Liturgical Reading: “The Night of the Historical Jesus” A Cardinal’s Goodbye What a dang thrillhouse, hot hoo hoo. Come on back for more in two weeks. Merch, for Zanes: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Zeta-Joneses: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Nothing helps time in isolation like a little woof woof, a little bark bark grr grr ruff ruff. Talking DOGS. But remember: sometimes a pet is just a friend who will watch you die. After you're gone, they might even do more than watch! Nibble nibble, crunch crunch. Invocation Ruff ruff yip yip Liturgical Reading: “The Recovered Diary” Woodrow’s Burden Ohhhh a special guest is coming in two weeks, until then enjoy a 522 Club next week. Merch, for Woof Woofs: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Yip Yips: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Hey! Yes you! Get out of the dirt and come inside; we got mourning to do. Yes, mourn a fresh one with us, mourn until you’re dry. Guests are coming, and they want to see your grief. A Secret Meeting The Break Room Liturgical Reading: “I Seen Locusts Out Back” Devon’s Warning The 522 Club is next week for patrons, then a fresh Story for all us lay people proper the week after. Merch, for Locusts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Pigmen: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU. Yeah. YOU. You think you like jokes but you ain’t heard jokes like THIS before. Sleep tiiiight. Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar” The Truth about Devon Tune in to our Patreon for a 522 Club next week, then come back home to the Story the next week for a STORY. Merch, for Yucks: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Dollars: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space, www.lastpodcastlive.com for new special $6.66) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Story: “Good Night My Love” Template for Leaving Your Family A new 522 Club next week, and after that a new, spicy Story. Ooh ooh! Merch, for Hosts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Parasites: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener. Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as we recount our share of spookies: Brother Reid Endures a Visitor Sister Callista Surrenders to the Parcel Pastor Andrew Interrupts Tragedy Oh how we wish the congregation could join us in hot, steamy PERSON. Merch, for Bodies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the tottering seesaw of codependence, were your feet on the ground, or did you wobble in the sky, eyes focused solely on the greedy heft of your spouse? What sound will you make when you fall? This service to this here Story was crafted in conjunction with loyal patron and VIP Story Glory Guard Congregant Skylar S. Grease upon you! Invocation Psalm: “Babybotomies” Corporate Sponsor: Paul Giamatti’s Giamatteeth Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Man” A Plea for Teeth Merch: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt Non-Canon Tracks Utilized as source music by This Story (in order of use): Jazz Tune by Loops Lab Catchy Country by Andy Slater Cuban Samba by StellarTracks Church Organ by Stockwaves Electro Jam by StudioMonkey

On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did you suffer for your crimes? Or is your suffering yet to come? Heh heh, atone, congregants. Atone! Residing Congregant: Chalms Invocation Petitions on behalf of Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Will Last Forever” The Boy, The Bell We have merch to spread the Story to your closet and cabinet. Slurp from within, and sup upon: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: you DESERVE it. Invocation Medal Award Ceremony Recipient: Woodrow the Dog Liturgical Reading: “The Dreamt City” The Return Ohhh help us enduuure, allow us to prosper: patreon.com/tsmbt

We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and Listener alike. Dang! Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Solemn Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Wandering Narrator” The Return Slop like a pig in the pen of our spiiiicy Patreon: patreon.com/tsmbt

Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card, or deny the truth it has brought you? What will you do when you are replaced? GUEST CLERGY: Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) The CORY Imploring of Recipes Liturgical Reading: “The Replacement” Concluding Prayer We got hot merch, yeah you know about it: www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also about feelings! Feelings deep down! Feelings with feelings. Feelings ready to CONSUME. Ruff ruff, snort snort, congregants. GUEST CLERGY: Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Righteous Congregants MORE CORY Liturgical Reading: “Their Unholy Spirit” Concluding Prayer Patreon us true, and sup gentle on our extra splashes: patreon.com/tsmbt

Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in today’s Story, it is this: some kids are real chunks-a shit. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Humble Congregants CORY played by Guest Clergy Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) Liturgical Reading: “Little Brother” Concluding Prayer Did you know we have an exclusive Discord channel just for congregants? Gain access at patreon.com/tsmbt

Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! Stop askin questions! Oh also?? Uh, yeah: we’re RICH. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Wealthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game” Concluding Prayer Join our wealthy, ohh just swimmin in smackers church at patreon.com/tsmbt

Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode. Contained in this thoughtful bonus: Spider Bite Shake My Hand An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy Next Tuesday, for patrons we will have a 522 Club episode, and will return the following week with a brand new Story. PLUMP.

False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give you extra time upon which to stew on these heresies true. STEW! Invocation Uncle Story Liturgical Reading: “More More More Christmas Heresies” Concluding Prayer A patreon has come to you, healthy and honest! Join the 522 Club and hear a new “podcast” Patreon.com/tsmbt

Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;) Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Get tickets for the Page 7/Wizard and the Bruiser live shows at www.lastpodcastnetwork.com/p7live) Patreon announcement Invocation Grease Fire! Liturgical Reading: “Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK” Concluding Prayer Ooh gander upon the Story symbol pin! The Cro-Croa mug! They are now available at www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before the stranger—when the stranger is the STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Four Showers” Liturgical Reading: “Maps of the North” Concluding Prayer A Story symbol pin! A Cro-Croa mug! Coming oh so soon. Await it here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast

Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them? Invocation Testimonial: The Dream of Sister Callista Liturgical Reading: “Family Union” Concluding Prayer We have merch and more is on the way. Check it truly here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move. Invocation The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man” A Baptism VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. Invocation Devon’s Birthday Memories Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory” The Matter of Chalms’ Identity We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS. Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Waxy Slime Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu” Concluding Metamorphosis Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated—no easy answers in the Story! You must yeeeearn. Invocation The Washing of Chalms Liturgical Reading: “The Swollen Mouth of Family” Concluding Prayer Grease unto thee. Be sure to check out the newest video on youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Chalms is teething! Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd! Concluding Prayer We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH. * All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.

In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.

Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient. Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting) Invocation Psalm: “Pain Cereal” Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist” Concluding Prayer We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.

Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo. Invocation The Rite of the Blessing Hose Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train” Concluding Prayer This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell) Invocation Impressions of the Clergy Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions” Concluding Prayer Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.

What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth. Invocation Cooking with the Story Liturgical Reading: “The Auction” Tasting We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.

I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for a Gooey Congregation Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man” Concluding Prayer Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.

Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another. Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation A Surprise for a Lost Woman Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?” Concluding Prayer The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!

When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened." Invocation Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me” Concluding Prayer No! I said, "don't tell me your secrets!" Well, that does it. Yeah, I didn't want to know your secrets, but now I do. Yep, heh heh, every gosh darn one. Now you have to come back. Otherwise I'll tell Uncle Garnns what you did to his cherry tomatoes one after another after ANOTHER.

We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY. Featuring: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation MORE Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “After the Attack” Concluding Prayer In exactly seven days, if you hear the Story again, the Story will bless you and fondle your ancestors with the smooth touch of Story.