HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!

parenting.com/podcast-2">Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.

parenting.com/subscribe/">Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

In Episode 178, my daughter Gretchen and I share a few tips for connecting more deeply with friends, co-workers, family, and people we just met.

Have a bold, specific purpose for every gathering

In Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering (which I recently listened to on a two-day binge), Parker talks about the importance of being really clear on why we're gathering - whether it's a work meeting, a birthday celebration, or a walk with a friend or two - and to have a specific, bold purpose for every gathering we host.

"Celebrating a birthday" or "Having a weekly check-in meeting" are not bold purposes, but are what Parker calls "categories." She makes a compelling argument that as hosts we often spend so much time and energy on food, decor, and logistics but we neglect determining why we are gathering. And that purpose or why is what makes the event memorable.

Here are some examples I've come up with with for events with more specific purposes: Having dinner together to celebrate the past year and share our best tip for the next one. Sharing our projects for the next week and setting up accountability and encouragement partners. Telling stories about ourselves that others don't know so that we can get to know each other better. Celebrating a birthday by bringing (and reading aloud) notes of what we appreciate about the person.

Parker notes that it's important to tell guests the specific purpose before the gathering, so as not to put anyone on the spot. A simple inclusion on the invitation will suffice.

How are you really doing?

In this episode of Greg McKeown's podcast, he talks about simple tweaks on the normal "How are you?" question that help get us beyond the usual, "fine," or "great!" He suggests instead using either,

How are you really doing?

or a three-part series: How are you doing on the surface? How are you doing in the middle? How are you doing deep down?

Ask (or provide) Great Questions

One of the most important skills for making and keeping friends is asking questions. I've written and talked extensively on the topic (see links below).

In my book Happy Campers I provide a resource list of questions that are great to use with groups of kids (including in your own family). These are questions we provide to our camp counselors as we train them to connect with their campers and help campers connect with one another. You can read more in parenting.com/connection-through-questions/">Connection Through Questions & access the free PDF here.

Even with people we are close to, there are still things we don't know about them. Consider using good questions - and great listening - to grow deeper connections.

Audrey & Gretchen's other chats

parenting.com/the-magic-relationship-ratio/">The Magic Relationship Ratio

parenting.com/ep-161-an-inside-look-at-sunshines-parenting/"> Ep. 161: An Inside Look at Sunshine's Parenting

parenting.com/ep-135-advice-ideas-teachers-covid-19/"> Ep. 135: Advice & Ideas from Teachers During COVID-19

Links

Loneliness in America

The Pandemic of Loneliness

The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker

The Greg McKeown Podcast Ep. 157: See Through People's Masks

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown

parenting.com/ep-40-shasta-nelson/">Ep. 40: Frientimacy with Shasta Nelson

parenting.com/happy-campers-connection-comes-first/"> Camp Secret #1: Connection Comes First (Free audio chapter from Happy Campers)

parenting.com/connection-through-questions/">Connection Through Questions (PDF resource from Happy Campers)

parenting.com/power-arthur-arons-36-questions/">36 Questions to Get Closer to Someone You Love

Making Memories at Mealtime (Goodwin University)

conversation-cards-1.pdf">Mealtime Conversation Cards (Goodwin University)

50 Family Dinner Conversation Starters (Six Sisters Stuff)

parenting.com/ep-119-year-end-reflection-activities/"> Show Notes

parenting.com/subscribe/">Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families. 

This episode is a live recording of my chat with Sara Kuljis about some of our favorite year-end reflection activities. Joining Sara and me for this episode is Kate Rader, one of the participants from our parenting.com/workshop-wait-list/">Raise Thriving Kids Workshop. Kate is a stay-at-home mom to 3 adventure-seeking and fun-loving kiddos, Lauren and Caroline, identical twins who are 13 and Jack, age 10, wife to her college sweetheart Jeff and curious lover of books, podcasts, and conversations about intentional parenting and living.

Here's what Kate had to say about our workshop:

"It was just so wonderful to be in a room with people who care enough to be intentional about the choices they're making for their families and what they want for their families because it's a work in progress--and we're all working together."

Big Ideas

In addition to parenting books, podcasts, and coaching, parenting.com/workshop-wait-list/">workshops are a great resource for parents. Just as most people need continual training and education in their careers, parents can also take the time to learn and connect with others in order to feel invigorated. It is helpful to share what is working and to discuss best practices for strengthening family bonds. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and modeling a balanced life for our kids.

parenting.com/5-simple-year-end-reflection-activities/"> parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/5-Simple-Year-End-Reflections-1.png" alt="" width="860" height="515">

Today we discuss the ideas I shared in my recent post, parenting.com/5-simple-year-end-reflection-activities/">5 Simple Year-End Reflections:

Create a Reverse Bucket List.

Look back over your life and make a list of the cool things you've already done. parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/IMG_2500.jpg" alt="" width="667" height="500">

parenting.com/100-family-memories/">100 Family Memories

Brainstorm and make a list of what happened in your family this year.

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/IMG_9815.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="375">

Pick a Quote of the Year

Find a quote that resonates with you, or something motivational, looking back or looking ahead, a quote you want to live by. parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/We-rise-by-lifting.png" alt="" width="940" height="788">

Select parenting.com/oneword/">One Word that you want to guide you in the new year

Be authentic and make it a word that is uniquely yours.

parenting.com/good-things-come-breathe/">parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Breathe.png" alt="" width="500" height="500">

Remember your parenting.com/15-books/">Favorite Books or resources from the past year

Take time to let the new things that you have learned (in books, podcasts, workshops) to percolate and apply the concepts or practices to your life. parenting.com/deep-work-rules-for-success-in-a-distracted-world-cal-newport/">parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Copy-of-Copy-of-Copy-of-book-of-mistakes.png" alt="" width="600" height="300">

Pick one or two of these ideas that resonate with you. You can do an activity on your own or engage the whole family. Make the delivery of the idea fun and light. Allow people to be silly. Getting the family together over the holidays, expressing gratitude, and setting intentions together are my favorite ways to bring in the new year.

Quotes

Sara: "Sometimes parenting intentionally feels counter-cultural. When we're swimming upstream, to have fishies to swim with is so confidence building. It's reassuring, it's empowering. I've loved all the parents we have gotten to work with through this project because it has fueled me."

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Ep.-119-Quote-1.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="500">

Kate: "The regular accountability is equally as important to me as the one-day workshop. Whether it's via podcasts, recorded conversations, or live conversations, getting together at Starbucks, or whatever it might be, that's really beneficial in maintaining the kind of wonderful feelings that we got coming out of the workshop."

Kate: "If we're going to develop a true family culture, we need to be intentional about spending time together as a family. And that time is harder and harder to come by."

Kate: "Just being together, away, experiencing some new adventures has been a neat way for us to firm up our family culture and values and make memories together. That's been a key take away for me."

Kate: "It's not about those grand gestures. It's about the thoughtful, meaningful moments where people take the time to appreciate their relationships."

Audrey: "Even if you're not a person who gives affirmations, I really don't think there's a person in this world who wouldn't mind getting a nice note saying something that someone likes about them."

Audrey: "Sometimes parents start thinking that their relationship with their child is supposed to be like a normal, reciprocal relationship. Expecting that you pour into this child and they're going to pour back to you, is not how parenting works. However, I'm seeing that once they're adults you may get more of the reciprocity than when they were kids. I get very filled up now by my adult children when they give me affirmations or send me a nice message--it's really great."

Audrey: "You keep encouraging, even if you don't think it means something because I think it really is landing somewhere."

Audrey: "Another activity could be taking a year's worth of fun texts, cards, and nice messages and putting them somewhere like in a scrapbook just as a great boost."

Sara: "I love the idea of sitting down with the whole family and saying, 'let's look way back' because there is a chance that something that I didn't consider very bucket-y might have been really significant to my kids. I think it will remind us that it has been a rich life of experiences."

Audrey: "I would challenge you to focus on yourself for your own reverse bucket list. Sometimes it's good to just think about for your own self-awareness and self-worth and knowing that you're enough just the way you are. I would suggest that the bucket list idea is more of a personal thing because it is recognizing the goals you've already achieved and the cool things that you've done, whereas the 100 Family Memories would be the things you're grateful for."

Audrey: "The goal is to try to remember (as many as) 100 things so you get down to some of the minutiae and those are some of the funny, random, individual things that happened. It's been a really fun practice."

Kate: "I think when you allow each family member to share their treasured memories from the year, it gives us insight into their personalities and their level of value and priorities, as well."

Audrey: "I like spending time at the end of the year, really thinking through what my one word is, thinking about what was good this year and what is it that I want to take into the new year and feel more of, or do more of--I love the process."

Audrey: "Determine the kind of person you want to be in the next year. Identify the characteristics of that best self. When you're being your best self, what does that look like? It has guided me a lot because once I pick a word, I then seek out resources and ideas to help me live that word better."

Kate: "It's a neat way to put the focus on how you're going to spend your time, your energy, your reading, and research--all that good stuff. When it is meaningful, it really does carry you through the year and it gives purpose to how you're spending your time."

Audrey: "It really hit me that my best contribution to my family, to the world, comes when I focus and take the time to do some research, reading, writing, thoughtful time, which is not a normal part of life anymore. You have to actually build in focus."parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Quote-Ep.-119.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="500">

Audrey: "There are so many new ideas and things you can do, but to really move the needle, all you need to do is just one. I am challenging myself this year to slow down on the consumption of new information and instead get out the books I've read, look at my highlights and just recap."

Related Posts & Podcasts

parenting.com/5-simple-year-end-reflection-activities/">5 Simple Year-End Reflection Activities

parenting.com/learning-to-enjoy-the-little-things/">Learning to Enjoy the Little Things

parenting.com/100-family-memories/">100 Family Memories

parenting.com/oneword/">#oneword

parenting.com/my-one-word-for-2019-focus/">My One Word for 2019: Focus

parenting.com/15-books/">15 Books for a Happier, More Purposeful Life

parenting.com/stop-and-celebrate/">Stop & Celebrate

parenting.com/simple-tips-for-happier-more-connected-families/">Ep. 68 12 Parenting Tips for Happier, More Connected Families

parenting.com/ep-105-live-above-the-noise-with-rob-reiher/">Ep. 105 Live Above the Noise with Rob Reiher

Resources

Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist

How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp

Finding Fred Podcast

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/GrowingGratitude.png" alt="" width="940" height="788">Enjoy the little things because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.

In Episode 63, I’m chatting with my friend Sara Kuljis of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. We talk about family gratitude practices and lessons from camp for having more grateful families. At Thanksgiving, it's easy to remember to be grateful, but the habit of gratitude -- practiced at camp, at home, and in the world -- helps us to be happier all year long.

BIG IDEAS

• Gratitude is a muscle. We can build it with practice.
• Research has shown that those who express gratitude daily have a more optimistic view of life and a healthier well-being.
• Developing relationships with the people around us makes it easier to share authentic gratitude.
• Model respect by thanking others, especially those who serve us.
  • Use their first names when possible.
  • Make eye contact

Ways to show gratitude at camp or at home :

• Flower Sunday -- the practice of handing a daisy while sharing an affirmation or gratitude with another person. You give your flower away and receive a flower from someone who acknowledges an action or quality they appreciate. Using a token such as a flower makes a difference.
• parenting.com/2018/05/01/3-reasons-to-give-your-kid-a-wow-today/">WOW Bulletin Board -- staff and campers send and receive notes to build each other up and express thanks.
• parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/gratitude-board-300x289.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="289">Thankful Thursday -- a note, text message or phone call to someone expressing thanks can become a helpful habit.
• 3 Good Things -- share three good things that happened at the end of each day.
  • Commit to sharing them with friend or family member via text. It helps with accountability and makes it easier to remember.
  • Go around the dinner table and share with your family or friends.
  • Write them down in a journal before bed, or share three things you are thankful for first thing in the morning.
  • This habit can not only strengthen your gratitude muscle but also deepen your relationships and improve your outlook on life.
• Gratitude Jar -- keep slips of paper for family write down things they are grateful for and collect the scraps in a jar.
  • Share the memories collected over the year at New Year's Eve or at Thanksgiving or anytime.
  • Attach the messages to a bulletin board or even to the Christmas Tree!
• Warm Fuzzies -- Take a sheet of paper for each person, write their name on it and pass it around. Have everyone write down what they appreciate about that person.
  • Be specific. It is nice to recognize precise actions or character strengths we appreciate in others.
• Go around the table at mealtime and share 3 good things, something you are grateful for (besides friends and family) or something you are grateful for about yourself

• Ask children to think of ways they would like to show gratitude for others. Children have really good ideas themselves.

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/sarak-214x300.jpg" alt="" width="214" height="300">QUOTES

Audrey: "We cannot raise grateful kids if we are not promoting our own gratitude."

Audrey: "It's important to remember that it's not just about completing a task, like sending a text or writing in your journal. It's about taking the moment to feel thankful. We need to take the task out of it and feel the gratitude."

Sara: "At the end of the day being grateful makes me kinder and softer to those around me."

Sara: "There's a lot of not-feeling-good-enough in the world. I enjoy helping people identify their natural talents and the natural goodness that is built in them and being intentional about building those into strengths for making a positive impact in the world."

More Gratitude Resources and Ideas

My Pinterest "Gratitude Board"parenting.com/2015/11/20/a-grateful-family-is-a-happy-family-5-practices/">parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/grateful_family-244x300.jpg" alt="" width="244" height="300">

parenting.com/2016/11/21/five-ways-avert-thanksgiving-disappointment/"> 5 Ways to Avert Thanksgiving Disappointment

parenting.com/2014/12/10/raising-grateful-not-entitled-kids/"> Raising Grateful, Not Entitled Kids

parenting.com/2015/11/20/a-grateful-family-is-a-happy-family-5-practices/"> A Grateful Family is a Happy Family

parenting.com/2012/12/29/gratitude-revisited/">Gratitude Revisited

parenting.com/2016/10/31/feeling-thankful/">Feeling Thankful

parenting.com/2018/05/01/3-reasons-to-give-your-kid-a-wow-today/"> 3 Reasons to Give Your Kid a WOW Today

parenting.com/2012/06/22/grateful-campers-are-happy-campers/"> Grateful Campers are Happy Campers

parenting.com/2016/09/10/learning-to-enjoy-the-little-things/">Learning to Enjoy the Little Things

Teaching Kids Gratitude Rather than Entitlement: Berkeley News/Christine CarterGiving Thanks can Make you Happy,parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/screen-shot-2015-11-19-at-7-25-19-pm.png" alt="" width="224" height="289"> Harvard Health

The Science of Gratitude: More Benefits Than Expected; 26 Studies and Counting, Happier Human.com

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, Forbes

30 Days of Gratitude, Writeshop.com

to-rock-kindness-at-your-day-job.html">Kind over Matter

Why Gratitude is Important

Like listening to Audrey and Sara? Here are more of our episodes:

parenting.com/2018/10/05/ep-57-the-importance-of-adult-friendships-with-sara-kuljis/"> Ep. 57: The Importance of Adult Friendships

parenting.com/2018/03/16/ep-28/">Ep. 28: Focusing on Our Kids' Strengths

parenting.com/2018/02/07/ep-23-peaceful-mornings-sara-kuljis/">Ep. 23: Peaceful Mornings

parenting.com/2017/10/03/ep-15-traits-parents-great-work/"> Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With

parenting.com/2017/04/25/ep-7-family-pace-space-sara-kuljis/">Ep. 7: Family Pace & Space

parenting.com/2017/02/12/ep-3-raising-resilient-independent-kids-sara-kuljis/"> Ep. 3: Raising Resilient, Independent Kids

Want to Watch this Episode on Video?

Our Favorite Books About Gratitude

na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?_encoding=UTF8&MarketPlace=US&ASIN=0310321913&ServiceVersion=20070822&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&Format=_SL250_&tag=sunshineparen-20">na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=sunshineparen-20&l=am2&o=1&a=0310321913" alt="" width="1" height="1">na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?_encoding=UTF8&MarketPlace=US&ASIN=B004GB15W6&ServiceVersion=20070822&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&Format=_SL250_&tag=sunshineparen-20">na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=sunshineparen-20&l=am2&o=1&a=B004GB15W6" alt="" width="1" height="1">

Check out Audrey's book, parenting.com/happy/">Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults

Sarah R. Moore is the founder of seeds.com/"> Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She's a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Her heart's desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.

parenting.com/podcast-2/">Sunshine Parenting host Audrey "Sunshine" Monke & pediatrician (and camp doctor) Dr. Heather Silverberg talk about how COVID is impacting kids this summer at camp.

Want encouragement & simple strategies for raising thriving future adults? Check out Audrey's book, parenting.com/happy/">HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.

Happy Campers on Audible.

HAPPY CAMPERS: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults is now available on Audible!

parenting.com">Visit Sunshine Parenting for more episodes & resources.

parenting.com/subscribe/">Subscribe for resources and ideas for happier, more connected families.

In Episode 37, Sara Kuljis (of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp), and I share tips and ideas for parents sending kids to overnight camp for the first time.

Camp Preparation Topics We Cover 

parenting.com/2015/05/29/countdown-to-camp-5-things-to-do-now/">Forms:

What parents need to do now, including reading through camp information and filling out all your camp forms thoroughly and completely. Why camp staff needs the forms well in advance of your child's arrival. Importance of letting camp directors know any special circumstances that might impact your child's stay.

Medications:

Why it's never a good idea to make any changes in prescription medication right before camp. Importance of sending all medications in their original prescription containers. Thoughts on whether to continue vitamins.

Encouraging Your Child to Reach Out to Camp Staff:

Talking about and role-playing with your child how they can talk with trusted adults (counselors, directors) at camp.

parenting.com/2017/05/22/5-essential-summer-camp-packing-tips-every-parent-know/"> Packing for Camp:

Importance of camper being involved in the packing process so they know where everything is! Packing as a life skill and a way to build responsibility. Make sure you know what items are not allowed at camp (so that those don't go to camp). How to pack (rolling outfits, using ziplock bags, and other methods). Not to bring expensive clothing items or ones that require special laundering. Bringing a comfort item, photo album, journal, and/or books.

parenting.com/2015/06/05/5-fun-ideas-for-letters-to-campers/"> Sending Letters:

Send a letter ahead of time so your camper has one at first mail call! Let friends and relatives know your camper's address at camp and any mail policies

Planning for Downtime before and after Camp:

Allow some margins in your family's schedule so your child can be well-rested before camp.

Familiarize Yourself with your Camp's Online Services:

Find out where to get news, photos, texts, etc. Opt-in to anything that isn't going to automatically come to you!

The Gift of Letting Your Child go to parenting.com/2017/05/30/10-reasons-great-parents-choose-summer-camp-kids/">Summer Camp:

Why letting your child go to camp is a great way to set your child up for future independent experiences.

Related

parenting.com/2018/06/ep-39-how-to-handle-your-campers-homesickness/"> Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper's Homesickness

parenting.com/2017/06/10/ep-10-homesick-happy-michael-thompson-ph-d/">Ep. 10: Homesick and Happy with Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

parenting.com/2015/05/29/countdown-to-camp-5-things-to-do-now/">Countdown to Camp

parenting.com/2017/05/22/5-essential-summer-camp-packing-tips-every-parent-know/">5 Essential Summer Camp Packing Tips

parenting.com/2015/06/05/5-fun-ideas-for-letters-to-campers/">5 Fun Ideas for Letters to Campers

parenting.com/2012/07/05/messages-for-an-anxious-camper/"> Messages for an Anxious Camper

parenting.com/2016/02/13/how-camp-helps-parents-raise-adults/">How Camp Helps Parents Raise Adults

Label Daddy

More information about Audrey’s book is here:parenting.com/happy/"> Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.

In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she’s learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.

Join Debbie's TILT Parenting book club (Spring, 2022).

In this episode, I'm talking with Debbie Reber, creator of TiLT Parenting, the host of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, and the author of Differently Wired: Raising and Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. While this book was written mainly for parents that need extra support, I think it will resonate with all parents of all kids.parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/IMG_3764-e1571954644705-225x300.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300">

Big Ideas

• Every child deserves to be understood and accepted for who they are.
• We are all wired differently. Some differences are more visible than others.
• Each kid needs different tools to thrive in life and we can help them figure out what they need for their individual journey.
• When parents and children communicate their needs and explain their differences to others, people are more understanding and accepting.
• 3 Key Take-Aways:
  • Find a community and resources
  • Find the right kind of support (parent coach, couples counselor, online communities)
  • Embrace and accept kids' strengths; teach them to articulate their needs.
• Gifted kids also have special needs that can be addressed and supported in schools and at home.
• As a parent, set aside what you think your child's (social, academic, physical) life should look like, and respect your child's own timeline.

Quotes

Audrey: "Sometimes people are just kind of under the radar. Maybe they aren't diagnosed with something, but their parents just sort of know that they don't move through life the same way that other people do."

Debbie: "Many of the kids in my community may not have a formal diagnosis but a lot of them are extra sensitive, have heightened anxiety and are more tuned in and the world is an intense place for them."

Debbie: "I wanted to cast a wide net and include any sort of narrow atypicality because there are so many of us. But when we stay in our little buckets, we don't get to tap into the collective and recognize the power in our numbers and why things really do need to change."

Audrey: "Sometimes our biggest challenges become our biggest gifts."

Audrey: "You did this journey together with your son, learning how to help him navigate the world and then how to help you navigate the world as a parent. You figured out how to embrace your son and all of his strengths and his uniqueness and help him become his best self. And you helped him be able to articulate to the world who he is and what he needs."

Audrey: "I've always loved delving into all the personality type inventories that just help us learn how the way we see the world or react to things is different from other people and being a little more empathetic and understanding of that as opposed to thinking it's wrong."

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Ep.-111-Quote-1.jpg" alt="" width="549" height="549">

Debbie: "We're really looking at this person as an individual human on their own incredible journey. I think it can be really hard when we're just kind of on this treadmill of life, doing what everybody else is doing. Take a conscious step back and say, 'wait a minute--who is this kid and what do they need to do to really thrive?'"

Debbie: "It's not easy to take that pause and to really shift your focus."

Audrey: "Even for people with different interests, the concept that there is one path is so flawed. Kids who aren't academically inclined or school isn't their thing are left feeling like they don't fit in. Often, it beats them down to the point where they don't have the opportunity to explore their interests."

Audrey: "The impact of not letting kids be who they really are and exploring that is coming out in the rise of mental health disorders, substance abuse, and suicide among adolescents and young adults. All of these things can be traced back to the same idea that if you don't fit into some prescribed thing, the world is hard."

Audrey: "We all have a lot of parental shame, insecurity, guilt, worry and often loneliness when we are kind of embarrassed by our kids' behavior or confused or just don't get it."

Debbie: "There's a lot of judging in parenting. It's pervasive and it's really harmful. It hurts us and when people are judging it is triggering their own insecurities. I think it's so important to find safe spaces to connect and to share."

Debbie: "It's important to get clear and remember what the core goal is and that is to support these kids in becoming who they are."

Debbie: "One of the ways we can bolster our foundation is to surround ourselves with people who fully support our family. When we do this, we relax, our kids relax, and we all get to go about our business from a place of confidence. Community changes everything. It lifts us up. It deepens our well of resources. It fuels our bravery. It allows us to be our authentic selves. It reminds me that we and our children are not alone. It's time we ditched the doubters, skeptics, and those will never get it and instead surround ourselves with our people." (Differently Wired, pg. 217)

Debbie: "Part of the process is for us to speak openly, without fear or shame or worry. That's part of the accepting process of knowing that there is no one way to be normal."

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Quote-Ep.-111.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="550">

Debbie: "I imagine we are going to create a more accepting society if we stop shaming certain behaviors, ostracizing people, or making them feel like they're aberrations when really it's just a different way of being."

Debbie: "One of the biggest gifts we can give a kid is the opportunity to truly know themselves and understand how their brain works and what's going on and then how to advocate for themselves, how to speak up."

Debbie: "When people understand, it changes everything. People are afraid of what they don't understand. In a society that puts so much weight on conforming and fitting in, when we don't understand something, we tend to make up stories about it or push it aside."

Audrey: "For more typically-wired kids, it teaches them super important character traits like kindness, empathy, and compassion."

Debbie: "As parents, we can really spin out and get concerned if what we're seeing in our own family isn't matching our idea of what this should look like. Every child is on their own timeline. Everyone is growing in strengths and may have some lagging skills but they even out eventually. If we can keep our eye on the goal to raise a responsible human being who knows themselves, who understands what they need and has the tools to reach their potential, that's what we're going for."

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/IMG_3770-1024x768.jpg" alt="" width="891" height="668">

Resources

The Miracle Morning

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ENCORE NOTES: This incredible book came out just prior to the start of the pandemic. I was privileged to read an early copy and hear Christine speak about it in February, 2020. If you have (or will eventually have) an adolescent, I highly recommend this book. Things have changed since we were their age, and Christine offers her trademark, research-backed wisdom in this must-read.

In this podcast episode, I'm joined by my friend Christine Carter, a sociologist working out of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and author of some of my favorite parenting books. We are talking about her newest book, The New Adolescence, Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distractions.

Big Ideas

• As your kids enter adolescence, parents should change their mindset from being their manager to being their coach.
• As they get older, kids need to be their own manager and take care of more things independently.
• Kids need less practical support and more emotional support. As their "life coach" you can help them to clarify what outcomes they want and be there for them, without being over-involved.
• 3 Core Skills Kid Need for the Digital Age:
  • Focus
  • Connection
  • Rest
• Parents should try to model a life full of focus, connection and rest.
• The New Adolescence offers tips and talking points on some difficult topics such as sex, drinking alcohol, drugs, and money, and ways to discuss them with your child.
  • The earlier kids start drinking alcohol, and the more they drinking in high school, the more likely it is that they will develop a substance abuse disorder.
  • It is important to note that marijuana today has higher THC and less CBD than in years past and pot use in adolescence has proven to hinder brain development.
• Real-life social connections are a good antidote for depression, stress, and anxiety.

Quotes

Christine: "As parents, we haven't adapted to the massive changes (in our culture) and we're not continuing to adapt as things continue to change."

Christine: "If we're used to doing everything for our kids and we find meaning and a sense of purpose in being somebody's chief of staff or manager, then it's hard. It's a loss of a role."

Christine: "Kids need coaches to ask them to clarify what it is they want, what outcomes they are after and to help them to get those outcomes. You can be as emotionally supportive as you want but not over-involved."

Audrey: "Our kids will have setbacks and make mistakes and sometimes get themselves into bad circumstances. These things are going to happen."

Christine: "We can only do our best. I understand why parents are not engaging in some of these harder issues because it's hard to even understand what's going on."

Audrey: "Your book is a great guidebook and it's a great start for people who are struggling. There's this balance that sometimes parents have a hard time finding, between letting your child grow up, gain more responsibility, more independence, trusting them, and changing your relationship."

Audrey: "I think it's very simple to think about changing from being a manager to a coach. You're there for advice. You want them to come to you when they're struggling with something or need some help, but you are not going to, for instance, make their dentist appointment anymore. You share with them the phone number and make sure they know how often they need to go and that kind of thing."

Christine: "We are living through an age of great distraction. At the same time, we're seeing a real change in the type of work these kids are going to be asked to do. Most of them will be paid to think...and focus."

Christine: "They're not developing focus as a skill because they're multitasking all the time. They're constantly interrupted. They never learned to value focus or have the experience of doing deep work."parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Quote-Ep.-127.jpg" alt="" width="1080" height="1080">

Christine: "Focus is the superpower of the 21st century. That is the most important thing that they need for their success and happiness. We know that the sort of deep gratification and fulfillment comes from being able to persist in your long term goals. And that takes focus."

Christine: "Building mastery takes focus. The things that are really gratifying to us, take focus. That's different from focusing for hours-on-end on a video game."

Christine: "Connection is the most important predictor of happiness that we have. It's the most consistent finding we have in a hundred or so years of research. Our overall wellbeing is predicted consistently by both the breadth and depth of our real-life social connections."

Christine: "This is a generation that is less connected, ironically, than previous generations. They spend less time with their friends."

Christine: "The human nervous system evolved to be connected in person. We get a lot out of touch, even micro touches, like a pat on the shoulder, and eye contact. Our nervous system doesn't feel alone when it can make eye contact with somebody else."

Christine: "When your nervous system feels like it's alone, as it does when you're alone in your room, but connecting with people over text or social media, it starts to feel stressed."

parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Ep.-127-Quote-2.jpg" alt="" width="1080" height="1080">

Audrey: "If parents only do one thing, it's fostering the relationship with their kids and helping their kids foster those close face-to-face relationships."

Christine: "When you look at the tsunami of mental illness that is coming toward us in terms of super high anxiety, depression, suicidality, it's explainable alone from a data standpoint--just by sleep depravation. When you control for sleep, all the problems start to go away."

Christine: "Kids are the most under-slept teenagers we've ever seen. It's really affecting their mental health. They're under the impression that they need to stay up late, that it's more important to study than to sleep, that they're too busy to take breaks."

Christine: "Our culture believes in busy-ness like it's a sign of your value, your productivity, your importance. And of course, none of that's true. It's completely limiting belief. But this is how we operate and our kids have picked up on this. They don't rest and it impairs their brain development."

Audrey: "I'm better at what I do when I take breaks, if I get a good nights' sleep, if I have plenty of time to read, time with my friends, I'm better at everything else. Those rest breaks make me better."

Audrey: "It's not that the screens are bad, there are lots of fun things that happen and connection, it's what it has replaced when kids are on them all the time."

Christine: "If you have a kid who's struggling, they're not alone. You're not alone. It's really hard for all of us and there are a lot of resources out there."

Christine: "We just have to engage. We just have to do our best. Once you have some more tools, you'll be able to do better. You'll see the quality of your relationship with your kids will change."

About Christine

[caption id="attachment_7187" align="alignright" width="243"]parenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/christinecarter-scaled-e1581573094189-836x1024.jpg" alt="" width="243" height="298"> Photo Credit: Blake Farrington[/caption]

Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (2017) and Raising Happiness (2011). A senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, Carter draws on the latest scientific research in psychology, sociology, and neuroscience — and uses her own often hilarious real-world experiences — to give parenting, productivity and happiness advice. She lives with her husband, four teenagers, and dog Buster in Marin County, California.

Resources

Christine's free downloads are available on her website.

Follow Christine of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or LinkedIn

Her books: Raising Happiness, The Sweet Spot, The New Adolescence

Coaching resources

Christine Carter's Blog

Greater Good Magazine

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