"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,May you never take one single breath for granted,God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance...

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,Never settle for the path of least resistance,Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their yearsAnd wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their yearsAnd wonder where those years have gone.)"

Anya's Picks

• The Library (Place)
• Napster (Technology)
• The Day on Twitter When Trump Got Covid (Shared Experience)

Casey's Picks

• A Planet Hollywood Restaurant (Restaurant)
• The Irish Goodbye (Gesture)
• The Thing (1982 Film)

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An episode full of shocking revelations. Someone in the room (EJ) has never been to TGI Friday's. Someone else in the room (Shelby) thinks Taylor Swift is a psychopath. And someone else in the room (our guest Sam Sanders [It's Been a Minute, Vibe Check, Into It]) didn't know that Jason Mraz says he's Mr. A to Z because Mr. A to Z spells... Mraz .

Also we rarely get this topical/controversial but if you're looking for a primer on the entire DWD drama between Oliv*a and H*rry and J*son, we've got a literal NPR reporter (our guest Sam Sanders) to take you through it beat by beat. 

At some point, artifacts were sent to the aliens. 

Sam's Artifacts: 

• Continuum by John Mayer (Music)
• "Pop-Up Video" (Audio-Visual)
• Really Good California Edibles (Drug)
• Carly Rae Jepson (Person)
• Funyons (Food)
• Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper (Ephemera)

Follow Sam on Twitter and Instagram.

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Shelby gets a little philosophical. Allison helps us get a little introspective. And EJ has chapped lips. 

Allison Raskin (writer/director/comedian/YouTuber/podcaster/mental health advocate!!!) is here for some high brow, some low brow, some pure comedy gold. And the artifacts? Ohhhh these artifacts. You don't see artifacts like these every day. There's music and movies and food and warm feelings, which (we hope) are all the aliens' favorite things (fingers crossed).

Also, our source at NASA has all but confirmed that this record manifested the Blink-182 reunion tour announced this week, so if you're 28-38 years old..... you're welcome, from all of us here at Keeping Records/NASA :-)

Allison's Artifacts: 

• Get Over It (2001 Film)
• Blink-182's Enema of the State (1999 Music Album)

• Allison's Childhood Stuffed Animal BobFred (Ephemera)

• Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream in the Flavor Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! (Food)
• The Feeling Of Someone You Love Wrapping a Dry Towel Around You When You Get Out Of a Pool (Feeling)

Follow Allison on Instagram and Twitter.

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Well looky who we have here: it's the literal titans of the heterosexual podcasting world, George Civeris and Sam Taggart (Straightiolab). To keep things super duper straight this episode, the gang discuss Reese Witherspoon, owls, Lady Gaga, taking a nice long walk in the fall, and then circling back to Reese Witherspoon again. 

The aliens also get the BOGO deal of a lifetime with two sets of artifacts rocketing off into space: 

George's Artifacts: 

• The Final Scene Of The Movie Wild (Film Scene)
• The Music Video For the Song "Why Go?" by Faithless ft. Estelle (Music Video)
• Using Leftover Pasta Sauce to Make Shakshuka For Lunch the Next Day (Food Hack)

Sam's Artifacts:

• Lady Gaga Muppet Christmas Special (Audio-Visual)
• The Feeling When A Guy You Think Is Straight Turns Out To Be Bi (Feeling)
• Season 3 Episode 7 of HBO's Girls When They Go To The Beach House (TV Episode)

Follow George on Instagram and Twitter, follow Sam on Instagram and Twitter, and follow Straightiolab on Instagram and Twitter!

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Things discussed: tortoises, sperm whales, elephant seals, octopi, persian cucumbers, regular cucumbers, gerkins, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. 

Things not discussed: why EJ is training his cat, and what techniques he is using to achieve his goals. 

And who better to discuss and not discuss these things with than professional discusser Paul F. Tompkins (Comedy Bang Bang!, Threedom, Mr. Show)??? Blessed to have him grace the Keeping Records studios with this hyper-specific list of space-bound mementos. 

Paul's Artifacts: 

• The Sound Tortoises Make (Sound)
• A Beach Towel Being Laid Out at the Beach (Experience)
• The Sesame Street Alien Skit (Audio-visual)
• Church Giggles (Shared Experience)

Follow Paul on Twitter and Instagram and buy tickets to his upcoming Varietopia show at the Elysian Theater!

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Anya (who writes these episode descriptions, hello) finally gets a long awaited and much deserved apology from Shelby, in absentia. I guess I had to fly across the country to give Shelby the distance she needed to make amends. I've forgiven and I've forgotten.

While I was away, Shelby and EJ decided the podcast is perfect (true) and that the funniest person in the world is Jon Gabrus (also true). He stopped by to talk about how super awkward it is to have a sleepover at someone else's house at a young age and how super awkward it is to take a poop at the airport. If you're one of our listeners located in Long Island who just got podcasts within the last 10 years, we welcome you to the show.

Gabrus's Artifacts: 

• Big Trouble in Little China (1986 Film)
• The Scene From Clueless Where Cher Comes Down The Stairs in a Calvin Klein Dress (1995 Film Scene/Gabrus's Sexual Awakening)
• Henry Cavill Fighting In a Bathroom in Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018 Film Scene/Gabrus's Queer Sexual Awakening)
• The Unlicensed Ice Cream Salesmen on Long Island Beaches (People)

Follow Gabrus on Twitter and Instagram and listen to him on his Headgum podcasts, High and Mighty & Corked!  

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You know what feels nice? When a guest takes this assignment seriously for once. Many thanks to Bridger Winegar (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Black Monday, I Said No Gifts!) for putting his personal and professional life on hold for a month to prep for this episode, curating and revising a list of artifacts, and agonizing over making a good alien-first-impression to answer what will undoubtedly be their first question: what is gay?

Bridger's Artifacts: 

• Carol of the Bells (Audio)
• Wave Race 64 (Video Game)
• A photo of Bridger as a ballroom dancer (Visual)
• "Drop the Pilot" by Joan Armatrading (Audio) 

Follow Bridger on Twitter and Instagram.

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This episode is for our sweet n earnest lil freaks ONLY. We mean it!!!! If you're not prepared to shed a tear as longtime podcaster/friend of the show/loving dad Chuck Bryant talks about his favorite episode of his kid's favorite TV show, you should probably turn back now!!!!

(OK, now that it's just us sweethearts, we can tell you about the rest of the episode: Shelby comes up with a plan for getting lost in a crowd, EJ pulls out an obscure metaphor never uttered before by man or extra-terrestrial, and Chuck probably wonders why his illustrious podcast career brought him to this moment, watching two people do an improv scene with a bear for some reason.)

Chuck's Artifacts

•  Jaws (1975 Film)
• The Sleepytime episode of Bluey (Children's TV episode)
• This Queen performance of "Somebody to Love" live in Montreal (Audio-visual)
• Musicless Music Videos on Youtube (Audio-visual)
• The guy that fell off his bike in college and acted like he was reading a book (Memory)
• I Think You Should Leave (TV show)

Follow Chuck's podcasts on Twitter and Instagram.

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Welcome to the thunderdome: this week, it's hosts vs. producers as we battle for historical accuracy in the space where it matters most, the intro to this podcast. Sound off/take sides in the comments. Then, Nicole Byer (Why Won't You Date Me?, Nailed It!, Grand Crew) fits us into her busy schedule this week (she flies to London every morning to workout with her British trainer, Ben, which eats up a lot of time actually) to discuss alien buttholes and what notes she would have given Kim K on that video (yes, that video) if she were her mom/manager/momager.

Nicole's Artifacts

• Dunkaroos and/or Dippin Dots (Food)
• Vodka soda (Cocktail)
• Strip Clubs (Business)
• Mushrooms (Psychedelic)
• Wigs (Accessory)

Follow Nicole on Twitter and Instagram and listen to her Headgum podcast, Newcomers!

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Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome back. We have perhaps never meant it to more??? Keeping Records is all the way back, with the new EJ and the old Shelby and all that record-making you love or hate or agree with or disagree with or tolerate. And could we have asked for a better first guest back than comedian/writer/podcaster-to-the-stars Jamie Loftus? No we could not.

Finally all together in the studio, the gang puzzled over some really important questions like: Should you get a pet snake? (No.) Should one have sex with their car? (Only if the car is cool/souped up.) Why is Australia scary but New Zealand not scary? (Unsure.) And other questions that are really worth considering!!!

Jamie's Artifacts

• Jamie's mom's 30th birthday video (Audio-visual)
• Lemony Snickett Books (Book Series)
• The Jinx (2015 Documentary Series)
• The Volcano Couple (Historical Figures)
• Going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking in the mirror and being like remember this!!!! (Feeling)
• The Court Scene From I, Tonya (Film Scene)
• The Hot Dog episode of How It's Made (Audio-visual)

Follow Jamie on Twitter and Instagram be sure to listen to Ghost Church wherever you get your podcasts!

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The moment you've all been waiting for... an episode long in the making.... the Keeping Records phone has been ringing off the hook.... audiences have been begging....... for Anya and Casey to step up to the mic. Also in this episode: all your favorite moments in Keeping Records history, according to you. Eat it up, lil freaks!!!!!

And don't forget that we're BACK NEXT WEEK, August 26th, WITH A BRAND NEW EPISODE!!!!! Hallelujah. 

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OK tiny freaks! This is our very last re-release before a very special episode next week (!) and an even more special (!!) episode the week after. So hang tight, stay tuned, don't touch that dial. We're almost back, baby. 

Actor, producer, and writer E.R. Fightmaster takes great issue with the premise of Keeping Records. And the issue is that the show shouldn't be about educating the aliens on humanity—it's about making the aliens feel how we feel. And that means the aliens need to feel perplexed by CrossFit, electrified by Temptation Island, inspired by the WNBA, and...I actually am not sure what they'll think about the oyster thing. But they're gonna feel something.

E.R.'s Artifacts

• CrossFit (human behavior)
• Temptation Island (audio-visual)
• The WNBA "Wubble" Season (audio-visual)
• Books about cities (literature)
• Oysters (food)
• A text that says “I’m running five behind” when you are really 20 behind (human behavior)

Follow E.R. and watch them on Shrill! Also listen to their music released as Twin!

• Instagram
• Twitter
• Music

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Your burning questions????? Finally answered!!!! Smash that play button in to hear what we've been up to over at the KR HQ!!!!

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All right, settle in lil freaks, we're wheeling in the AV cart for a very special session of Keeping Records. Yes, that's right, we're gonna dim the lights and sit quietly in our chairs while Caleb and Shelby tell us about some of the artifacts that NASA sent (without our input weirdly) on the original Voyager Golden Record. We'll learn about things that seem funny to us but normal to people in other parts of the world, we'll learn about fetuses and how that all works more or less, we'll learn that the Immaculate Conception was really the Original Cuckolding. All in all, we'll learn. Together. While we eagerly wait for new episodes to drop. Soon. We promise. 

Be sure to watch the video version of the episode for a complete audio-visual experience and for two of the best wigs you'll ever see in your life. 

The Artifacts: 

• Greeting: Cantonese
• Image: School Room
• Image: Fetus Diagram
• Image: Rush Hour Traffic
• Greeting: Portuguese
• Music: "Dark Was the Night," written and performed by Blind Willie Johnson
• Greeting: Nepali 

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Give us a minute, OK? Keeping Records is on a brief hiatus but you better believe it's coming back. Stay tuned for updates from their latest mission, dropping in your feeds soon.

Comedian and podcaster Beth Stelling ordered some sandwiches...like...an hour ago. They're still not here yet but she's going to go ahead and get started telling Caleb and Shelby her plans for her Golden Record: people falling over and hurting themselves but like not reaaaally hurting themselves, her niece meeting a woodland creature, Ted Danson absolutely nailing it on—oh shit, someone's knocking, brb

Beth's Artifacts

• Falling compilations (audio-visual)
• Niece meeting a bunny for the first time (audio-visual)
• Mr. Mayor (audio-visual)
• Photo of Beth and her mom in Hawaii after her mom retired from teaching (image)
• 6th grade home videos or her and her friends making music videos (audio-visual)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Mountain Climber (Gaston Rébuffat) (image)

Follow Beth and watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max.

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Hey it's Caleb and Shelbo! Back with the long-awaited Golden Record from our main girl! Shelbo takes a while to find her camera but when she does, she FINALLY sets the record straight (in a gay way): we're taking a brief chhhiatus (a Jewish break), but we will be back with new episodes in a few weeks. So don't you dare hit that unsubscribe button, because we've got so much more Keeping Recordings for you. More news coming in this feed next week.

To tide you over 'til then, Shelbo's artifacts:

• When Two People Meet at a Revolving Door at the Same Time and Push it together (Collaboration)
• The Last 24 hrs at Summer Camp (Traumatic Childhood Event)
• Rats On the Street vs Rats People Keep as Pets (Comparison)
• Hanging Out with a Friend's Parent in Their Kitchen (Experience)
• A New Nicki Minaj Verse Specifically for the Aliens (Audio)
• Driving Around with your Friends Listening to Music w/ No Real Destination (Muli-Sensory Experience)
• When the Cleveland Caveliers Won NBA Championship in 2016 (Sports History Moment)
• The OC (2003-2007 Television Show)
• Survivor (2000-Present Day Television Show)
• Group Date to a Movie Theater at Age 12 (Tween Experience)
• Shel Silverstein (Poet/Author)

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Good morning America (or wherever you're listening from, hopefully from a different planet)! The long awaited Golden Record from our one and only Caleb Hearon is finally here. It's a bittersweet symphony as we go through a lot of feelings. Queue Vitamin C… and let us know… F/K Jason Segal and Vince Vaughn.

Caleb's Artifacts

• The feeling of unrequited love, as expressed by "I Can Love You Better" by The Chicks (audio)
• They pushed me down and maced me Animaniacs (audio-visual)
• The blowjob scene with Brenda Song and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network" (audio-visual)
• The out-of-body feeling when you're having a special moment and you realize you will remember it forever (feeling)
• Lauryn Hill's album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (audio)
• Every single John Goodman performance (audio-visual)
• The Break-Up starring Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn (2006 Film)
• "Money" by The Flying Lizards (audio)

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They're back from their meeting with NASA; seems like things went well. Now, Caleb's in New York, and Shelby's in LA. But the Zoom that connects them through the cosmos? That's Mommy, and Mommy is home. They play F/M/K with the Supreme Court (answers open to interpretation) and then open up the submission line to solicit additions/deletions for the Golden Record, and as usual you lil freaks did not disappoint. Covering a real wide breadth of the most pressing issues of our time, we have the following:

Your Record Additions:

• "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson (Audio)\
• Soft pretzels dipped in cheese (Food)
• Finding out a coworker hates the same coworker as you (Feeling)

Your Record Deletions:

• Fluorescent Lighting (Light source)
• Rolling Coal (Activity)
• Anya Making the Temperature Too Hot in the Studio (Producer Oversight)
• Charmin Bears (Product Mascot)

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Well lil freaks, it finally happened. We got the call last week on the secure Headgum line (red phone) from Bill Nelson (head of NASA, reports to POTUS, first coined the phrase "Houston, we have a problem") and Caleb and Shelby are on their way to the John F. Kennedy Space Center for an important meeting and we are not cleared to give you any other info (strictly need-to-know basis at this time). Anyway, while that's all happening, we unearthed from the archives one of our all-time favorite episodes of the show, which we think in turn will one day be on the Golden Record itself. If this meeting goes well. Enjoy and see you next week.

Comedian and writer Samantha Irby (Wow, No Thank You; Meaty; Shrill) creates a Golden Record full of artifacts that she hopes the aliens will find life-changing. She also expresses her thoughts on what she would do with Henry Cavill in inappropriate public settings.

Sam's Artifacts

• Gone Girl, the book not the movie (literature)
• A live Tori Amos bootleg cassette (audio)
• Mission: Impossible - Fallout (audio-visual)
• Dlisted.com comment section from 2008 - (web archive)
• The burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Navajo Night Chant (audio)

"Do You Think...?" Listener Picks

• Lenny Kravitz accidental dick exposure (audio-visual) 
• Plain rice with butter (food)
• "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (audio)

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Shelby's back in studio (missed you, girl!); Caleb's finally on Raya (congrats, girl!); and EJ Marcus stops by the pod to kind of randomly make fun of producer Anya (who is actually writing this description but totally forgives you, girl!). After all, EJ is, by their own admission, Mean, Scary, Tall, and Intimidating. 

Mean, Scary, Tall, and Intimidating EJ brought along a near-perfect Golden Record that is at once practical and... dare we say... provocative? Listen in for arguably the best hour-and-change of your day.

EJ's Artifacts:

• Art With Cats On It (Visual)
• Shoe Racks (Object)
• Sunglasses (Object)
• Thelma & Louise (1991 Film)

Follow EJ on Tiktok, Twitter, and Instagram.

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Gather in close, lil freaks - things get serious for a minute as Caleb and Shelby open up with you all about the family stuff they've had going on. Turns out, growing up sucks.

But the intimate moments don't stop there: we also learn a lot about Caleb's balls, guest Carly Kane lets it slip that she's a die-hard Eminem stan, and Shelby reveals the instability of her wifi connection by leaving and re-entering the chat, repeatedly.

Carly's Artifacts:

• When a Crush Puts Their Hand On Your Knee/Leg (Experience)
• Amy Winehouse Discography (Audio)
• All Types of Breads (Food)
• Smell of Gasoline (Smell)
• Random Public Dancing (Activity)

Follow Carly on Instagram and Twitter. 

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We're back and we're hornery. We talk about marriage and mentally ill babies, Real Housewives and mentally ill Real Housewives, and the ways in which young Mormons are (or, apparently, are not) having sex. Comedian Camirin Farmer comes through with a list of artifacts that can only be described as iconic, and also ruthlessly drags actress Lea Michele but we're fine with that. 

Plus, per every lil freak's request, Caleb and Shelby unearth their first ever video artifact, a public-broadcasting-esque examination of a photograph that's shooting around space at this very minute. 

Camirin's Artifacts:

• Barbra Streisand (Celebrity)
• Bebe's Kids (1992 Film)
• An Oriole's baseball game that they win (Sporting event)
• The Cake (Audio-visual)
• The entirety of the Real Housewives franchise (Television series)

Follow Camirin on Twitter and Instagram.

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The place: a grim, dimly-lit warehouse in Oakland. The year: 1999. Our hero, known to most simply as “DJ Moshe,” a prolific local techno disc jockey, prepares to square off against his enemy, DJ E. Moshe, in an underground battle for house-music-scene domination.

How does this tale of high stakes adventure end? Does our hero prevail as the greatest selector the Bay Area has ever known? Or does he get into comedy, fall in love with Natasha Leggero, and together stop by the Headgum studios to send the best Earth has to offer into space?

Don't want to spoil it but tune in to find out.

Natasha + Moshe's Artifacts:

• Hot Springs (Natural Phenomenon)
• Camping (Experience)
• RVs (Vehicle)

Follow Natasha on Twitter and Instagram, and follow Moshe on Twitter and Instagram.

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Have you ever really listened to the words of "Baby" by the young hitmaker Justin Bieber? No, like, really really listened? Comedian Kiry Shabazz walks Caleb and Shelby through a close reading of the lyrics, while sending to space other songs not yet included in the Great American Songbook because they are cowards. Taking the most strategic, tactical approach of any Keeping Records guest before him, Kiry's tightly curated but mostly music-based Golden Record is meant to make the aliens feel sexy, sad, and confused, which we think is kind of cool. 

Kiry's Artifacts:

• "Confessions" by Usher (Audio)
• "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman (Audio)
• Mick Jagger + Tina Turner Performing "State of Shock" (Audio-visual)

Follow Kiry on Twitter and Instagram. 

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Let's pick up where we left off, shall we? It's your favorite band MUNA back in the studio (that they never really left) to really get into their mostly gastronomy-related picks for the Golden Record.

In between listing out their favorite burrito spots, Naomi, Jo, and Katie listen encouragingly as Caleb and Shelby try their hand at songwriting; Caleb and Shelby give notes as MUNA sharpens their improv chops. It's a beautiful, symbiotic collaboration; a peak behind the creative curtain for lil freaks' eyes + ears only.

MUNA's Artifacts Pt 2:

• Eating the Butt of a Burrito and Watching TV, and Putting That Little Bit of Hot Sauce in the Different Bites (Experience)
• When You Mess Up a Word and it Sounds Funny (Gaffe)
• A Nice Dinner with Friends (Shared Meal)
• Bagel (Food)

Follow MUNA on Twitter and Instagram, and pre-order their new album here. 

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There's arguably too many people in the studio. They arguably all talk about too many things at once. 

Fortunately, Jo, Naomi, and Katie (members of your favorite band MUNA) took their mission very seriously, collaborating on a tightly edited Golden Record to send only the very best earth stuff to space. Unfortunately, they all spend too long making sex noises with their hands to get to most of them, so you'll have to tune into the next episode, too. 

MUNA's Artifacts (to be continued):

• Spy (2015 Film)

Follow MUNA on Twitter and Instagram, and pre-order their new album here. 

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Is there any lil freak/Lord of the Ring fan crossover? We sure do hope so, because Caleb, Shelby, and musician Lou Roy kind of go off about Tolkien for a while this week. 

They do manage to leave Middle Earth for a little while to talk about Hometown Buffet - which we tried to provide a URL link to but incredibly, does not have a website in this year of our lord 2022. So really if any humans or aliens want to learn about that place, they kind of have to listen to this ep???

Lou's Artifacts

• Debussy's Clair de Lune (Music)
• Hometown Buffet (Restaurant)
• Supreme Croissant (no meat) From Jack-in-the-Box (Food)
• Neopolitan Ice Cream Sandwich
• Lou's journal entry from 2001 (age 9) that details her best friend betraying her by going to Hometown Buffet with a friend from his school without her (Archival Material)

Follow Lou on Twitter and Instagram, and listen to her debut album, PURE CHAOS, which drops today!

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Caleb and Shelby sit down for a little one-on-one in the studio to discuss the biggest names of our generation: Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Reba McEntire, Shelley Duvall, and Heath Ledger. 

They also carve out some time to hone their improv chops but somehow only get to two of your additions to the Golden Records. But as always, they're perfect, just like all of you lil freaks. 

Your Record Additions:

• The Reba Theme Song (Audio)
• Pizza with Ranch (Food)

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The world's teeeeniest podcast hosts (Caleb and Shelby) invite on the tiiiiiniest guest (writer/performer/recent sister wife Lily Sullivan [The Righteous Gemstones, I Think You Should Leave, Comedy Bang Bang!]) to talk about about this parmesan cheese commercial for an hour. They are all so small and so brave.

This episode also marks the development of a brand new spinoff podcast, hereafter referred to as a "side pod," wherein one of the hosts or even the guests themselves start their own separate conversation on a topic of their choosing, directly to camera. A real chaotic surround sound experience from the people that brought you the original chaotic stereo sound experience known as Keeping Records.

Lily's Artifacts

• This Italian Commercial for Parmigiano Reggiano (Audio-visual)
• Huge Ice-filled Glasses of Water (Beverage)
• The Feeling of When Someone Tells You a Huge Piece of Gossip and You Know You're Gonna Talk About It Together For 5 Hours Straight (Experience)
• Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001 Film)
• This TikTok of a baby waking up (Audio-visual)

Follow Lily on Twitter and Instagram. 

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Caleb and Shelby invite comedian and writer Vinny Thomas into the gauntlet (our recording studio) to find out if he can survive an hour in the hottest room known to humankind (the Headgum AC was broken). See which of the following symptoms of heat stroke according to WebMD.com you can spot amongst the three of them throughout the duration of the episode: 

• Confusion, altered mental status, slurred speech
• Hot, dry skin or profuse sweating
• Very high body temperature
• Low-key delirium 
• Picking fights with animals for no reason
• Picking fights with your co-hosts/guests for no reason

Vinny's Artifacts

• We Belong Together (Mimi’s Late Night Valentine’s Mix) (Audio)
• Fatal Attractions (2010-2013) (TV Show)
• What Would You Do with John Quiñones (TV Show)
• Seeing a parrot in LA (Birdwatching Experience)

Follow Vinny on Twitter and Instagram. 

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Comedian/Tennessee native Laura Peek logs on with Caleb and Shelby to wade through the trials and tribulations of the best/worst four years of everyone's life: high school. Remember senior privileges? Remember absolutely roasting your teachers any time they even slightly misspoke? Remember how hot it was when 16-year-old boys chewed tobacco and had that little faded ring on the back pocket of their jeans? Yeah, no, definitely, us either, we also think that's gross........  

Laura's Artifacts

• When you see a guy who looks like he would suck do something nice (Experience)
• Waking up and thinking “oh shit it’s probably 7:30 am” but then looking at your phone and it’s like 2 am (Sense of Relief)
• Chicken tenders and ranch from Nashville Shores Water Park (Food)
• The time I pooped HUGE in my pants in first grade and didn’t realize it for a whole school day (Human Experience)
• When someone is laughing and they touch your arm to kinda brace themselves against the laugh (Gesture)
• Perfect cacio e pepe (Food)
• The Holiday (2006 Film)
• Hopping out of the pool at your friend’s birthday party for a quick bite of Ruffles and onion dip in the year 2000 (Experience)
• One Camel cigarette (Vice)

Follow Laura on Twitter and Instagram.

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No amount of explicit content warning could possibly prepare you for what happened when writer/actress Tamara Yajia stopped by the Keeping Records studio as our first in-studio guest. Producers and Headgum staff still traumatized, need time to process. We ask that you respect our privacy and we have no further comment at this time. 

Tam's Artifacts

• PEN15 episode, "Grammy" (2021 TV Episode)
• Smelling your tooth floss (Olfactory Sensation)
• Cheesecake Factory’s Chicken Madeira (Food)
• A first class airplane ride (Experience)

Follow Tam on Twitter and Instagram. 

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An episode that will undoubtedly be used as a resource on LGBTQIA+ allyship and gay rights manual for the alien species forever into the future. Writer and world's biggest and last remaining Pinkberry customer Jill Gutowitz stops by to explain to us (and the aliens) that adjusting a lesbian's clothing is actually a homophobic slur, how to get a boyfriend through AIM as a young closeted resident of New Jersey, and that the looks exchanged by hot young cheerleaders in an early aughts cinematic masterpiece are actually peak gay.

Jill's Artifacts

• AIM (Technology)
• Freaky Friday (2003 Film)
• The glances exchanged between Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Union, and Eliza Dushku in Bring It On (Cinematic Moment)
• Pinkberry (Food)
• A Taylor Swift Avatar On Twitter Telling You To Die (Experience)

Follow Jill on Twitter and Instagram and buy her new book, Girls Can Kiss Now, out now from Simon & Schuster. 

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This week on the pod, Caleb, Shelby, and Emmy-winning (!!!) writer/actress/comedian Ashley Nicole Black get into it. It = the best moments of the human experience, the things we should be most proud to show off to the aliens in space. It mostly = the 1997 ouevre My Best Friend's Wedding.  

They also get into the use of stalls vs. urinals, how to actually give someone a compliment without telling on yourself, and an absolutely harrowing tale from Caleb's dating life. Let this be a reminder to do a thorough background check on all your dates, lil freaks!!!!

Ashley's Artifacts

• Day Drinking Outside (Experience)
• When a Baby Uses You As a Couch (Behavior)
• My Best Friend's Wedding (1997 Film)
• Being a Drunk Girl in the Bathroom (Shared Feeling)
• Adopting Dogs (Activity)

Follow Ashley on Twitter and Instagram. 

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Live (not really!) from the brand new Headgum Studios (yes really!) it's everybody's favorite comedy/friendship duo Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein!!!!

Our first in-studio episode has something for everyone: Caleb trying to cry on command and then blaming everyone else in the studio when he can't; Shelby revealing that God is her social media manager; the two of them reconciling after a near-show-ending fight about potato chip flavors; and Caleb's mom texting to ask a question that's been on all of our minds lately: "What is Netflix?" No answer is given.

Of course, Caleb and Shelby also turned to you, their lil freaks, to see what you've been wanting to add/delete from the Golden Record these days:

Your Record Additions

• Kwik Trip (Place)
• One Direction's Performance of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia on X Factor at Simon Cowell's House (Audio-Visual)
• Dill Pickle Flavored Chips (Snack)
• Finding a Loaded Gift Card You Forgot You Had (Currency)  

Your Deletions

• When Escalators Are Out of Order (Inconvenience)

P.S. If you like it when Caleb and Shelby sing, this is the ep for you.

Watch the video version of the episode

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What if we sent the absolute most unhinged takes on present-day society to the aliens on a Golden Record? Would it confuse them? Maybe make us seem wild and ungovernable? 

Or do they also think that only women and children should be allowed to wear flip flops and that all dogs should be kept outside? 

Those are the questions we reckon with on this week's episode with "small ex-Hasidic queer Jewish stand-up comedian, writer, and true original," Robby Hoffman. A must-listen, especially if you're an alien that thinks you might want to make contact with the human race to your own detriment. 

Robby's Artifacts

• Hallways and Rooms
• Hardware Stores
• Neapolitan Ice Cream
• $100 Bill

Follow Robby on Instagram and Twitter. 

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Musician/producer Brian Robert Jones stops by the ~virtual~ Keeping Records studio to talk about what the kids mean when they say "throwing neck," TI-89 calculators, and his lifelong dream of performing live at KFC's Yum! Center in Louisville, KY. (Where, incidentally, Shelby thinks would be a cool place to lose your virginity.) 

The best part of this perfect episode is that there was not a single technical difficulty or internet connection issue and we all love recording podcasts remotely for everyone's safety. It's the best!

Brian's artifacts: 

• Absolutely killing It as a plus one to an event where you know very few if any people (Experience)

• *NSYNC - Discography (Audio)

• Nick Jonas performing Spaceman on SNL (Audio-Visual)

• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Movie)

• Eating a Gigantic Breakfast at a Nice Hotel (Experience)

Follow Brian on Instagram, Twitter, and Spotify. 

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This episode is mostly Caleb and Shelby singing along to their favorite songs. But they are at some point joined by actress, filmmaker, and amateur pop culture oracle Sarah Ramos, who has a long list of her fave pieces of modern civilization to send out to space (notably Taylor Swift's entire discography, RuPaul's drag race, and weed edibles). 

There's also a discussion of best practices for self-tapes, and how to avoid being embarrassed when someone walks in on you in the bathroom. Probably also useful for the aliens to know, we have to assume!!!

Sarah's Artifacts

• Taylor Swift's Discography (Audio)
• Enlightened (TV show)
• Hustlers (2019 film)
• Mary-Kate and Ashley VHSes (Audio-Visuals)
• Weed edibles (Food)
• Social Media stan accounts (Phenomenon)
• RuPaul's Drag Race (TV show)

Follow Sarah on Instagram and Twitter. 

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Caleb and Shelby are joined by writer Ruby Caster to discuss how Ruby and Shelby can't read (bummer!!) and whether or not table-side Caesar salad preparation is inherently gay.

They briefly touch on Ruby's Golden Record picks (which is incidentally the point of this show): romaine lettuce + parmesan cheese, the best band to have ever existed, and Midol, which Ruby attests is a miracle drug. Spoiler: it seems it is not.

Ruby's Artifacts

• Caesar Salad from Bernie’s Restaurant in Williamsburg, BK (Food)
• All of ABBA’s music (Audio) 
• Midol (Remedy)

Follow Ruby on Instagram and Twitter. 

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Comedian Maggie Winters joins Caleb and Shelby for their second video episode, which devolves into chaos after a game of f*ck, marry, kill. Shelby leaves the zoom but eventually returns. Caleb's tennis leg cramps? Back for a special appearance. Also, everybody learns what paramour means. 

Eventually they get to Maggie aka Marguerite's Golden Record, which is a blend of visuals and experiences the Aliens will love. On the topic of her Disney past, Caleb and Shelby ask the pointed but necessary question: is Maggie someone who calls Goofy a friend? And stick with us here: Goofy's paws are, more often than not, "up." Is Goofy...a lil freak?

Maggie's Artifacts

• Deep Dish Pizza (Food)
• Schiller Visions: Hidden Camera Commercials Sketch with Chris Farley (Audio-visual)
• Her parents surprising her and her brothers with a trip to Disney World in 1992 (Feeling)
• Going to the movies alone and ordering a big popcorn, drink, and candy and also the movie is good (Multi-sensory Experience)
• All reality TV ever (Entertainment)
• When her mom found a fiddlers glove on the ground and used it to hold her wine on St. Patricks Day (Experience)

Follow Maggie on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok

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Contributing music by John Bartmann https://johnbartmann.com

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Caleb and Shelby are back with their first video episode, which also just so happens to be a Listener Submission episode. Caleb questions the quality of his video, but decides he doesn't care because he looks great on camera. Meanwhile, Shelby's shadows? Sort of going wherever they want. Before diving into your picks, Caleb and Shelby analyze:

• Caleb's crazy week with the Pope in Tucson
• Girlies who can have free clout because they're *the* girlies
• 3rd string NFL tight ends they are both attracted to

And Listeners...your submissions for this week are equally alarming and beautiful, welcome bark lil freaks:

Your Record Additions

• "Thrussy" used in jest (Portmanteau)
• Earnest a cappella music (Audio)
• The Pope shaming people (Experience)
• Denver int. airport conspiracy theories (Chronicles)
• Yelp restaurant reviews (Literature)
• Getting surprise mail from a friend (Experience)
• "Uppercut" by Lou Roy (2022 Song) (Listen on Apple Music or Spotify)

Your Deletions

• “Thrussy” used sincerely (Portmanteau)
• Caleb being a bully to Shelby (Perception)
• Finding out via Instagram story that your crush is in a new relationship (Experience)
• Sleeping in AirPods and waking up with sore ears (Affliction)
• Baby memorabilia that weirdly sexualizes the kid (Trend)

Watch the video version of the episode

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Caleb is back from Missouri. Shelby is still in Ohio. There seems to be some question of whether Caleb is someone who enjoys biking but rest assured that he is into it.

Comedian River Butcher is on the podcast today, and he's got the '90s on his mind. Well, the '90s and a song by Softee that absolutely GOES. River's Golden Record has the sound, look, and feel of a pre-2K world, because the aliens deserve it. And frankly? You do, too. 

River's Artifacts

• "Cutout" by Softee (audio)

• The sound of a video cassette rewinder

• River's 90s Spotify playlist, "Morning Ride To The Elms In My Mom's Red Nissan." (audio)

• The feeling of going to the mall on a Saturday in 1995 (multisensory experience)

• 90s Taco Bell interiors (human design aesthetic)

Follow River on Twitter and Instagram

Get tickets to River's show at Sketchfest in San Francisco on January 14.

Get tickets to River's shows at The Crocodile in Seattle Jan 21 and 22.

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Caleb and Shelby cope with being apart by contemplating their sexual chemistry.

Comedian Jo Firestone is on the podcast this week, as is her dog companion Loaf. Jo loves Loaf, and we love Loaf. We love specific brands of tomato sauce, we love Greek women yelling at us to get our lives together, we love munching on ice, and we love the sound macaroni makes when it's getting stirred together. Wait...do we? Regardless, we do not love rats nor the sounds they make when tickled.

Jo's Artifacts

• Rao's tomato sauce (food)
• Olympia Dukakis yelling "Your life is going down the toilet!!" in Moonstruck (audio-visual)
• Macaroni stirring noise (audio)
• Ice nuggets from Sonic (food and multisensory experience)
• When Dog wants to come near you (multisensory experience)

Follow Jo on Instagram and watch her new special Good Timing with Jo Firestone on Peacock.

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Shelby is in the studio. Caleb is in his and Shelby's old home. The novel coronavirus is in Caleb. (Ok, was in Caleb, he is feeling better, thank you.)

It's a Listener Submission episode, and Listeners...your submissions this time were just...all over the place. You made Caleb and Shelby think about some weird and terrifying stuff that they definitely didn't want to think about, including but not limited to:

• The unknown depths of the ocean
• Where do eels come from?
• How frogs swallow (*police cadet writing this makes throwing up noise*)

Caleb poses a unique question: If you had to go into space for five years, what one streaming service would you bring? What one genre of music? What four friends? Shelby has some difficulty answering.

Your Record Additions

• When pets’ tongues stick out a little while they nap
• The morning after going out getting shitty breakfast and coffee

Your Deletions

• Flip Flops
• WWE
• Action Sequences in Movies
• Social Media posts starting with “Sometimes” and “Rant Over”

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Caleb has moved out. Shelby is also moving out. Distance has come between them, but their love for one another bridges that great divide.

Here to observe our hosts' attempt at coping with separation anxiety are Chair Professor Daniel Chua (University of Hong Kong) and Fanny Peabody Professor Alex Rehding (Harvard University), co-authors of the book Alien Listening: Voyager's Golden Record and Music From Earth (Princeton University Press).

A discussion between four academic equals unfolds, focusing on how the Golden Records can teach us to differently hear and analyze music. Throughout the lecture, the esteemed professors make a Golden Record together with just as much food on it as there is music.

For all of our listeners with terminal degrees in their respective fields, this one is for you. 

Daniel's Artifacts 

• John Cage, 4'33" (audio-visual)
• Video of whale almost swallowing human (audio-visual)
• Durian (food)

Alex’s Artifacts

• Trio, "Da Da Da" (audio)
• Blowfish (animal and food)
• Rice pudding (food)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Greetings from the U.N./Whale Greetings (audio)

Purchase Daniel and Alex's book Alien Listening: Voyager's Golden Record and Music From Earth!

--

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Caleb is off on a long-haul fishing boat, being forced by the crew to bite the head off of a live herring as a hazing ritual. That means Shelby is going to need some assistance this week.

Enter: comedian Grace Kuhlenschmidt. The guest host we need. The guest host we deserve.

Together, Shelby and Grace welcome comedian, actress, and writer Greta Titelman to the pod to unpack what is easily the most ambitious record to date—a full-length compilation drawing from every discipline, plus one thing that only makes sense in writing if your podcast player supports text formatting. And yes, they are going to get through The. Entire. Record.

Greta's Artifacts

• Grape lady falls! (audio-visual)
• Being on mushrooms on the beach, genuinely experiencing the miracle of life (multi-sensory experience)
• Manolo Blahnik shoes (clothing)
• Pad Thai (food)
• Rihanna, Talk That Talk (audio)
• Being a teenager and making out in your car to emo music (multi-sensory experience)
• Cashmere (clothing fiber)
• Kettle Brand Dill Pickle Potato Chips (food)
• Drop Dead Gorgeous (audio-visual)
• Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Madonna's 2003 VMA performance (audio-visual)
• Ryan Gosling (human being)
• Saying THAT in a fight (social interaction)

Follow Greta on Instagram and Twitter, and listen to her new Headgum podcast Senior Superlatives with Greta Titelman on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

--

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Hello, all of our special friends! And welcome to the show!! We're so happy to see each and every one of you, come on into our tree fort! We're launching Golden Records into outer space so that aliens far away can know ALL about the human race long after we've all turned to ash!!

Today we're making a record with someone we care about so much, writer and actor Ryan Ken! Take a look at their record!! It's got a singer, an actor, hot bods, and great food! 

Ryan's Artifacts 

• Whitney Houston singing the American National Anthem at the 1991 Super Bowl (audio-visual)

• Viola Davis's award speeches (audio-visual)
• Thirst traps with inspirational captions (human behavior)
• Regional food chain rivalries (human behavior)

• People forgetting they’re on mute on Zoom calls (human behavior)

Follow Ryan on Instagram Twitter and TiktTok!

--

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Fresh off of their weekend of debauchery in New York City (read: being kept up by neighbors and flooded in their hotel), Caleb and Shelby have a date with comedian, writer, and producer Alison Leiby (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, The President Show) to plan out her Golden Record. Alison wants to show the aliens our best media, and for them to be orally fixated and in comfortable footwear the whole time.

Alison's Artifacts

• Diet Coke and popcorn (food and beverage) 
• Party Down, S02E05, "Steve Guttenberg's Birthday" (audio-visual)
• Yacht rock (music genre)
• When dogs and cats cross their front paws (animal behavior)
• Birkenstocks (human apparel)
• Sharing the perception of an awkward moment with a stranger in a large store (multi-sensory experience) 

Listen to Alison and cohost Halle Kiefer on their podcast Ruined

Follow Alison on Instagram and Twitter

--

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It has been a week of fending off requests from incredibly rich and famous celebrities, Nobel Prize laureates, the greatest writers, mathematicians, and physicists of our age, emails coming in four times an hour—"Please, please allow this unbelievably brilliant environmental scientist to personally curate a Golden Record to send into outer space!" "Caleb and Shelby, this former President of the United States needs to guest on the show this week, it's incredibly important." "You guys, we will give you a quarter of a million dollars if you allow this star of a classic '90s sitcom to talk about The Culture™️ with you in order to reinvigorate his career."

We said no to all of them. And we did it for you, the listener.

Caleb and Shelby sit down for another episode of just the two of them. They sing a little, they preach a little, the cry a little, they bark a little. They talk their evolving living situations, some of their own Golden Record picks and Delete-Its, and some of YOUR Golden Record picks and Delete-Its.

Artifacts Discussed

• Cheez-It
• Christmas
• The feeling of finding a four leaf clover
• The music of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark
• Dogs with Frito feet
• Shrek 2
• Auntie Anne’s in the airport
• Fergie singing the American National Anthem
• Mariah Carey singing "All I Want for Christmas is you" live
• Ranch dressing
• Dollar General brand mac and cheese
• Couture fashion (not Juicy Couture)
• The feeling of being so happy to see your friends that you cry
• Getting stoned and drinking coffee 

--

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chicago > city of chicago > apartments/housing for rent — North Center spacious 4 bed 2 bath, 4 min walk to Irving Park Brown Line. Lots of natural light. New appliances, in-unit laundry. Guarantors accepted, for immediate move-in. Contact comedian and prince Colin Rourke for more info. Link to video walkthrough.

Colin's Artifacts 

• Rat Race (2001) (audio-visual)
• Sully Sullenberger (animated character) 
• The smell of Banana Boat sunscreen (smell)
• The University of Michigan Senior Musical Theater Department's "Senior Entrance" (audio-visual)
• Blooper reels of any television show (audio-visual)

Follow Colin!

• Instagram 
• TikTok
• Twitter

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September 20th, 2021

Dear Diary,

Waz up!!!!!! Today Blaire Erskine (you know, comedian and writer on Jimmy Kimmel Live!) came on the podcast to tell us all about what she would blast off into outer space to send to the aliens. We had such a crazy fun time singing along to Leanne Rhymes, Sheryl Crow, Kelly Clarkson, and Pat Monahan (total dreamboat!!!). We watched Dragon Tales, Coyote Ugly and Nurse Jackie, and then Blaire read to us from her diary and guess what!!! She is totally crushing on Nick!!!!!11 Also Billy Baldwin is SUCH a creep!!!

N-e way, gtg ttyl! Mom's coming upstairs and it's past lights out!!!

Blaire's Artifacts

• When a Sheryl Crow song comes on at the grocery store and you feel like you’re in a movie (multisensory experience)
• My diary from 5th grade (document)
• "Can’t Fight the Moonlight" by LeAnn Rimes (audio) 
• Public Access Television (audio-visual)
• When my mom texts me back (multisensory experience)

Follow Blaire on Twitter and Instagram

--

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It's a no-holds-barred episode. Weddings, canceling plans, CHANGING plans, appetizers, monkey bread, they're all on the chopping block, and you can be sure the podcast premise is gonna take a LONG time to get to.  

Thankfully, comedian, actor, and writer Michael Cruz Kayne (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers) is here to move the show along and advocate for his Golden Record. He's got basketball players that don't look like basketball players, musicals and overzealous singers, crispy red meat, and a man reaching into his underwear to make him feel like he's never felt (in a non-sexual way, it's a massage thing). 

Michael's Artifacts

• Personalities, represented by the human actor Richard Schiff (human specimen)
• Nikola Jokić (human specimen)
• People who sing the harmony on happy birthday and really go for it (human behavior)
• The burnt bits of a steak (food)
• Every musical (audio-visual)
• Physical therapy (human behavior)

Follow Michael on Twitter and Instagram, and listen to his new podcast A Good Cry, premiering September 30th!

--

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If you've ever wondered what Keeping Records would sound like if the guest was off-mic in the corner of the room, and then left 15 minutes into the episode leaving Caleb and Shelby to their own devices, well, have we got an episode for you. 

It's an episode devoted totally (TOTALLY!) to your (YOU! THE LISTENER!!) picks! There are way wayyyy too many to list, and just as many Delete Its, so I'm just going to tell you to check out MUNA's new music video for "Silk Chiffon (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)" to marvel at the acting abilities and overall hotness of two specific supporting cast members.

--

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Some people say that art is chaos, and, in that sense? This episode is...art.

Actor, improviser, and writer Lureena Cornwell has a virtual visit with Caleb and Shelby, who, per usual, are in a fight. This time it's over a cat turd. Aside from that, though, our hosts must know what's on Lureena's record, which is so unfortunate because her internet service provider absolutely does not want that. 

When the dust has settled and Lureena's upload speed has improved beyond 1 Mbps, she gives the aliens a picture of the most ideal Earth: one in which domesticated animals walk themselves, clothes are reused, soup is filling, and where every human speaks with a non-rhotic dialect and either commits crime or cracks down on it.

Lureena's Artifacts

• Pets walking with their humans without a leash (animal behavior)
• Boston crime movies, ex: The Departed, Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone (audio visual)
• When someone compliments your outfit and you get to tell them it’s all thrifted and how much you spent on every item, with a bonus when it’s a 69 cent item from Salvation Army on 69 cent Saturday (multisensory experience)
• Hearty soup (food)
• Hand cut French fries (food) 
• Family (human social structure)

The dog painting video that Shelby likes.

Follow Lureena on Instagram and Twitter!

--

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Caleb and Shelby have been ousted from their home and must seek refuge in the Headgum office. Joining them via conference call from his landline is writer and comedian Dan Sheehan, who spontaneously generates a list of artifacts to put on his Golden Record. He'll introduce the aliens to the Mediterranean diet and local area network gaming. He'll give them the perfect entrance/invasion music. He'll show them majestic, decorated domesticated animals. And most generous of all? He'll help the aliens understand the the relief of being let off the hook.

Dan's Artifacts

• Italian food (food)
• Being informed that no one is angry at you (multisensory experience)
• "Sirius," The Alan Parsons Project (audio)
• prod.birminghammail.co.uk/incoming/article6336605.ece/ALTERNATES/s810/Supreme-cat-2013.jpg">Photos of animals that have won contests (photograph)
• LAN parties (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• miller-birth.jpg">Birth, Wayne Miller (photograph)

Follow Dan on Twitter @ItsDanSheehan and @SICKOFWOLVES, support him on Patreon and buy his novel I Am Not a Wolf wherever you get books!

--

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Writer, comedian, actress, improviser (and if I'm being honest? friend!) Abby McEnany is on the podcast, and she's brought her deep, deep passion for the United States Postal Service. (UPS is also close to her but for different reasons.) Vincent D'Onofrio, brand-name ibuprofen, Abby's kickass nephews, and President Jimmy Carter himself are all going to space. Ok, President Carter himself isn't going, but the aliens do need to know about everything he's been up to.

Abby's Artifacts

• Procedural crime dramas (audio-visual)
• Mail (human institution and interaction)
• Advil (molecule)
• The knowledge of Abby's nephews' existences (human being)
• A record of Jimmy Carter's post-presidency (historical record)

Watch Abby in the season premiere of Work in Progress on Showtime, on Sunday, August 22nd.

--

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Join Shelby and Caleb as they discuss their lives of opulence and mental stability with writer and comedian Taylor Garron. Yes, eventually they will get to Taylor's Golden Record picks, but it is extremely important that they spend 20+ minutes discussing gold futures and the frustrations of property tax variances from state to state.

Of course, with all of that wealth must come the finer things in life, all of which Taylor is sending to the aliens—dining (and, frankly? lunching) on crustaceans, elegant music and television, and dislodging the aforementioned bits of crustaceans from one's...um...chompers.

Taylor's Artifacts:

• Shrimp (food)
• Hot service workers (human archetype)
• Horny eye contact with strangers (human behavior)
• MIA’s first and second albums (audio)
• Flavor of Love and I Love New York (video)
• Finally getting a bit of food unstuck from your molar (multisensory experience)

Follow Taylor on Twitter and Instagram

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Caleb and Shelby have a sit-down with writer and comedian Liva Pierce to talk about their hopes, dreams, and personal choices of artifacts to send to outer space so that aliens may one day come to understand what life on Earth was like at its zenith.

Of COURSE there's Kate Bush. Of COURSE there's delicious food. You KNOW there are human social practices on there, and musicals. IT'S. ALL. THERE. Enjoy, aliens.

Shelby and Caleb are also extremely uncooperative when role-playing.

Liva's Artifacts

• "The Big Sky" by Kate Bush (song)
• A hot cookie (food)
• When a coworker shares personal information (human social behavior)
• Debriefing a party with funny friends whom you love (human social behavior)
• Any production of Newsies (audio-visual)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Cathy Rigby, Phillip Leonian (photograph)

Follow Liva on Twitter and Instagram!

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Actor. Comedian. Writer. Icon. Benito Skinner is on the pod and he's here to show the aliens (or any other beings who might find the record, he does not discriminate!!!) more than just pop culture—he wants them to feel the passage of time.

Groundbreaking albums go from panned to adored. Musicians put on amazing performances and are shunned. TV-shows run 100 episodes without heeding any stop signs. Meh clothing becomes a uniform. And The Lion King goes from being an animated film, to a live Broadway musical, to The Lion King with 3D-rendered, lifelike animals voiced by an all-star cast, just because we can.

Benito's Artifacts

• A compact disc of ARTPOP, Lady Gaga (audio)
• Nicki Minaj's performance of Roman Holiday at the Grammys (audio-visual)
• The Riverdale pilot episode and then one from Season 5 (audio-visual)
• A Gucci belt (human ephemera)
• The 2019 remake of The Lion King (audio-visual)

Follow Benito on Twitter and Instagram and listen to him and Mary Beth Barone on their podcast Obsessed.

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Caleb and Shelby welcome stand-up comedian Marcella Arguello into the Headgum family the only way they know how—by getting into a Dick Feud with her. TBQH it's mostly Shelby's feud, with Caleb instigating and causing chaos from the sidelines (as he does). And all this happens around building Marcella's Golden Record, which has iconic TV, iconic music, iconic GIFs, iconic nails, and iconic toddlers.

Marcella's Artifacts

• Rihanna GIF where she rolls up the car window (visual)
• Mariah Carey, Butterfly (audio)
• Seinfeld (audio-visual)
• A hug from a toddler who thinks you’re the coolest person on the planet (multisensory experience)
• Press-On nails (human ephemera)

Follow Marcella on Twitter and Instagram, watch her comedy live, and listen to her and Niccole Thurman's new Headgum podcast The Scroll Down.

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I...don't know what to say about this one. Actor, writer, and fellow Headgum podcaster Geoffrey James is on the show and just...wow. What even happened here? Mayhem, tattoos, heavily reused bits from last episode, our hosts and guest are absolutely depraved this episode.

Geoff's Artifacts

• When someone with acrylic nails scratches your back during a personal low (multisensory experience)
• Pretty. Odd. by Panic! At the Disco (audio)
• Feeling pride when buying something specific at a hardware store (human emotion)
• Aioli (multisensory experience)
• Making a friend feel bad about almost getting in a car accident for way longer than is fair (multisensory experience)
• The 10-minute underwater scuba battle in Thunderball (1965) (audio-visual)

Follow Geoff on Instagram and Twitter, and listen to him on The Headgum Podcast and Review Revue!

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Shelby is ill and will NOT stop giving sex eyes. Caleb is in Portland and surviving the heatwave. It’s up to comedian, writer, and actress Mitra Jouhari (Three Busy Debras, Big Mouth, High Maintenance) to educate the aliens, and she’s created a Golden Record designed to showcase the pinnacle of entertainment on Earth.

Mitra’s Artifacts

• Pretty Little Liars (audio-visual)
• Lost & Found Music Studios (audio-visual)
• Countess Luann and other Real Housewives music careers (audio-visual)
• Galaxy Quest (audio-visual)
• Gossip Girl (audio-visual)

Follow Mitra on Instagram and watch Three Busy Debras on HBO Max!

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Caleb has fled to Portland. Shelby is sleeping in and doesn't miss Caleb...yet. Comedian and writer Raina Morris visits with them to prep her Golden Record and it's just...so much stuff! There's software to instruct the aliens on how to take care of humans; details on how to properly care for our skin and hair; how to satisfy oral fixations and stay hydrated at the same time. Raina swears up and down that she's not prepping the aliens for zoo-keeping an exhibit of humans, but truly you will have to decide on what her plans ultimately are.

Raina's Artifacts

• The Sims 2 (software)
• "Beautiful Liar" Beyoncé and Shakira music video (audio-visual)
• YouTube ingrown hair extraction videos (audio-visual) 
• The feeling of when a hairstylist washes your hair and scratches your scalp (multi-sensory experience)
• Eating ice (food)
• A kiss on the lips from someone wearing lip gloss (multi-sensory experience)

Follow Raina on Instagram and Twitter!

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Shelby talks about her shaving injury. Caleb is displeased, but also preoccupied with speculative workplace drama. Comedian Liza Treyger almost leaves the podcast early due to the graphic description of Shelby's injury, but sticks it out to ensure her Golden Record is delivered to the aliens.

Liza's Artifacts

• Britney Spears's catalog of MTV Making the Video episodes (audio-visual)
• Miley Cyrus defending Kennedy Davenport and drag to Joe Rogan (audio-visual) 
• Ludacris, "What's Your Fantasy" (audio) 
• Bojack Horseman (audio-visual) 
• Emma Chamblerain's YouTube channel (audio-visual)

Follow Liza on Twitter and Instagram, and listen to That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Caleb has fallen and hit his head. Like a true king he got back up, but now Shelby has the difficult task of convincing him that he doesn't have a brain bleed. Luckily, she has comedian, writer, and actress Nori Reed to assist in assuring Caleb that he doesn't need to seek immediate medical attention. And while Nori's here, why not find out what she'd put on her Golden Record? Absurd reality television, home decor superstores, Italian vistas and Diane Lane, and Normani's magic basketball bum bounce are all heading to space.

Nori's Artifacts

• The Swan (audio-visual)
• IKEA (architecture and multisensory experience)
• Normani, "Motivation" (audio)
• Under The Tuscan Sun (audio-visual)
• Caleb falling and hitting his head during his self-tape (audio-visual)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Rajasthani greeting, "Hello to everyone. We are happy here and you be happy there."

Listen to Hot White Heist on Audible, watch Nori's comedy on HBO Max, and follow her on Instagram and Twitter!

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Last week's episode...it really devastated Shelby and Caleb. So much so that they're taking some precautionary steps for the sanctity of the pod. Comedian, friend, and breakfast enthusiast A.J. Marroquin mediates our hosts' ongoing negotiations, occasionally sharing his own Golden Record when allowed to. Jennifer Lopez makes yet another guest appearance on the pod, and so do a hell of a lot of snakes. Theme park souvenir photos, cars spiraling down from the heavens, The Golden Corral, all of it is a wondrous backstop for hammering out Caleb and Shelby's dysfunctional functionality. And it is beautiful.

A.J.‘s Artifacts

• Jennifer Lopez's filmography (audio-visual)
• Saloon-style famkly portraits/theme park souvenirs (image)
• Breakfast after a hook-up (multisensory experience)
• Buffets (multisensory experience)
• The Carvana vending machine (architecture)

Follow A.J. and do literally everything in your power to see him do comedy live.

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Actor, producer, and writer E.R. Fightmaster takes great issue with the premise of Keeping Records. And the issue is that the show shouldn't be about educating the aliens on humanity—it's about making the aliens feel how we feel. And that means the aliens need to feel perplexed by CrossFit, electrified by Temptation Island, inspired by the WNBA, and...I actually am not sure what they'll think about the oyster thing. But they're gonna feel something.

E.R.'s Artifacts

• CrossFit (human behavior)
• Temptation Island (audio-visual)
• The WNBA "Wubble" Season (audio-visual)
• Books about cities (literature)
• Oysters (food)
• A text that says “I’m running five behind” when you are really 20 behind (human behavior)

Follow E.R. and watch them on Shrill! Also listen to their music released as Twin!

• Instagram
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• Music

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Comedian and writer Chris Gethard has a vision for how he wants the world to be, and that vision is one where you never know what's going to happen next. For that reason, his record is a collection of truly bizarre audio-visual television moments that he's encountered over the course of his life. Wrestling, bizarre Spanish-language gameshows, and a whole lot of Mr. T, like probably to the point where the aliens will believe he is a deity—which he, of course, is.

Chris's Artifacts

• Drunk Ewoks on The Today Show (audio-visual)
• The footage of Mr. T on El Gran Juego de la Oca (audio-visual)
• Conan goes apple picking with Mr. T (audio-visual)
• The unforgettable debut of The Shockmaster (audio-visual)
• Malice at the Palace, a Pistons vs Pacers Fight 2004 (audio-visual)

Legacy viral videos mentioned in episode

• Grape lady falls!
• Gay Mount Everest
• Keep Fucking That Chicken by Ernie Anastos on Fox 5 WNYW
• Scare Tactics, Rat Monster

Follow Chris, and watch his new special Half My Life on June 1st, on Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV, Pluto TV, Peacock, Tubi, and more! But preferably Tubi, because, well, you know. Tubi.

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Comedian and actor Taylor Ortega (Kim Possible, Love Life, Welcome to Flatch) is crashing on Caleb and Dr. Wolstein's pull-out couch, so why not build a Golden Record? Along the way everyone recounts the trauma of having to go to the bathroom in the woods, and also the trauma of wearing Nike Shocks.

Taylor's Artifacts

• Wet wipes (human ephemera)
• The Real L-Word (audio-visual)
• Cute, trendy plants that are easy to take care of (biological sample)
• Taylor’s group chats (literature)
• A good nonstick pan (human tool)

Original Voyager Artifact

• painters.nl/wp-content/uploads/068-Old-man-with-beard-and-glasses-Turkey-Jonathon-Blair.png">Old Man With Beard and Glasses (Turkey), Jonathan Blair

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What begins as a meeting with beloved friend and comedian Meg Stalter immediately devolves into an episode of depravity and psychosis. Shelby leaves the recording, seemingly out of rage. Caleb exposes himself repeatedly. Meg says the c-word. Producer Mike becomes Producer Michael. Quite simply, it's insanity.

But, aside from all that madness, Meg's Golden Record is angelic in its innocence.

Meg's Golden Record:

• Girls, Season 3, Episode 7 "Beach House" (audio-visual)
• Knowledge of Dolly Parton's Existence (audio-visual)
• Laughing hysterically at a restaurant with friends (multisensory experience)
• The smell of poolside sunscreen and chlorine (multisensory experience) 
• Realizing you have a crush on someone (multisensory experience)

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You guys...wait...This is huge.

Space artist and science journalist Jon Lomberg, co-creator of the original Voyager Golden Record (!!!), joins Caleb and Shelby to talk about his experience putting together humanity's epitaph, which left Earth in 1977.

Jon offers his take on aliens, behind the scene stories, and how to comprehend yourself at the scale of the universe.

Jon's own personal Golden Record is expansive and comprises as many genres of world music as possible, including (but not limited to):

• Hawaiian slack key or vocals, like “Ho’olauna Aloha” Teresa Bright from her album Self Portrait
• Celtic music
• Middle Eastern music
• Flamenco
• Inuit throat singing
• Tibetan chants
• Musical Theater
• Marching Band
• Michael Jackson
• Afrojazz
• K-pop

With hypothetical new technology since the original records, Jon would also include Earth's favorite molecules for the ETs, like caffeine and THC, as well as the smell of of roses and the taste of mango. Software like Tetris is on the table now, too.

You can learn more about Jon at his website www.jonlomberg.com, where you'll find his original artwork as well as links to his lectures and writings.

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Comedian Grace Kuhlenschmidt realizes that her Golden Record is only for her—and that's ok. The aliens will take what they can and leave the rest.

But truly, how could they leave the cookies? And she made that cocktail for them, would the aliens dare refuse? They will love quirky, early 2000s pop music. And hopefully the documentary teaches them to not put humans in tiny cages when they conquer us.

Grace's Golden Record

• Hoku and Mandy Moore (audio)
• Blackfish (audio-visual)
• Quadratinis (food)
• Laying in warm grass (multisensory experience)
• Being tomboy (multisensory experience)
• Beeresca—a homemade cocktail recipe (food)

Original Voyager Artifact

• "X-Ray of Hand" (image)

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Negin Farsad—comedian, writer, director, host of the podcast Fake the Nation—needs the aliens to experience humanity in a very specific way. And that way is...perfect. Swan dresses, elevated train tracks extending across the Manhattan skyline, trying not to cry when you see something beautiful in public, nouvelle cuisine...it's all there. Except for Plumber's Crack. That's gone, she got rid of that.

Negin's Golden Record Artifacts:

• Anything Bjork related (audio-visual)
• The Highline in NYC and the thrill of a public works project (architecture)
• That moment when a concert violinist is playing for free in a park and they play something beautiful and then you cry in public but try to act like you have allergies (multisensory experience)
• The first time having French food made by French people (food)
• The Grinder (audio-visual)
• Knowing you're wearing a cute outfits (multisensory experience)

Listen to Negin on Fake the Nation and Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! and follow her socials.

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Musician and interstellar voyager Tanerélle blesses Caleb and Shelby with her Golden Record, a visual and aural amalgamation so beautiful and powerful that the aliens will have no choice but to understand, and thus be inspired by, the overwhelming genius of planet Earth.

Tanerélle's Golden Record

• Sugar Shack by Ernie Barnes (image)
• Sade’s Greatest Hits (audio)
• All Marvel films (audio-visual)
• Girlfriends and Moesha (audio-visual)

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Blair Socci. Comedian. Actress. Writer. Scientist.

Totally spur of the moment, out of nowhere, random as all hell, Caleb and Shelby ask Blair what she'd put on her Golden Record. And what Blair creates is a work of art. It's a record that will teach the aliens of how adorable humanity can be, and also of an unparalleled, Grammy Award-winning alternative rock record from 1995. Blair also rebukes those who abandoned Anne Hathaway in her time of need, in the process absolving one of our hosts (ok it's Shelby but she KNOWS what she did and sees the error of her ways).

Blair's Golden Record

• Tiny children with glasses (image)
• Sending and receiving surprise gifts (human ephemera)
• Alanis Morisette, Jagged Little Pill (audio)
• Hook (audio-visual)
• Eating large meals with friends and family (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact 

• Mexico, "El Cascabel," performed by Lorenzo Barcelata and the Mariachi México (audio)

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Katie Kershaw (Mrs. Fletcher, Fargo, Pathetic Woman) thought hard about what to include on her Golden Record. And —truly? honestly?—it shows in its perfection. The aliens need to understand that humans are a species that should not be messed with, and they will learn that through our insane eating habits, eagerness to engage in awkward social interactions, and folk songs about fire.

Katie's Artifacts

• Martina McBride, "Independence Day" (audio-visual)
• The coffee cup of a keynote speaker at a hotel conference (human ephemera)
• Rupaul's Drag Race seasons 1-13, plus all stars, plus international seasons (audio-visual)
• Muriels Wedding (audio-visual)
• The Best Man and The Best Man Holiday (audio-visual)
• Everything Kelly Ripa eats in a day (audio-visual)
• The moment in film, TV, or real life when a mom relaxes after a preparing a holiday meal (human behavior)
• The Mother Goose House in Hazard, Kentucky (architectural advancement)
• Garth Brooks, "Standing Outside The Fire" (audio)
• The moment when you're not sure if you should shake hands or hug (human behavior)

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Check out our show and many hilarious other pods featured on Stitcher's first-ever Comedy Week! In-app or at Stitcherapp.com/comedy

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Comedian Amy Miller comes to the pod to settle an age-old feud with Caleb (started like a month ago?) and to ignite a brand-new feud with Shelby (over burritos). And there's also her Golden Record, which is loaded like a Bay Area super-burrito with artifacts to communicate to the aliens what they need to know about human life.

Caleb and Shelby and Amy also discuss the scariest sound collage of all time, which, incidentally, is what NASA sent to the aliens.

Amy's Artifacts

• Watching a grown man try to take off his hoodie, and then his undershirt also goes up a little and you making eye contact to acknowledge that you witnessed the hotness (human behavior)
• Being super mad but not being able to help laughing (human behavior)
• The last three bites of a Bay Area carnitas super burrito (culinary advancement)
• Cabbage fart joke from The Golden Girls (audio-visual)
• Sam Rockwell dancing (human being)
• Vine “I want to be famous.” (audio-visual)
• YouTube “More sand.” (audio-visual)
• So I Married an Axe Murderer Soundtrack (audio)
• Dateline (audio-visual)
• Movie theaters with recliners, a full bar, and a full menu including milkshakes (human experience)
• Scented candles from Target (human ephemera)
• A salvation tract, preferably "Some Day You Will Stand Before God" (document) 
• The Diary of Anne Frank (document)

Original Voyager Artifact

• "Footsteps, Heartbeat, Laughter" (audio)

Follow Amy and listen to her on her podcast Who's Your God?

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Actor, podcaster, and producer Jacquis Neal (Culture Kings, The Cast, UCB) puts together one of the most well-rounded records we here at not-NASA have ever seen. Film, television, music, food, and human experience—it's all on there. We fully endorse Jacquis for President of the United States of America.

Jacquis's Artifacts

• Jay-Z, "Meet The Parents" (audio)
• Martin (audio-visual)
• The Truman Show (audio-visual)
• Skinny Dipping in Provincetown, MA (human experience)
• Crispy Onion Chicken Recipe (food and document)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Greek Greeting: "Greetings to you, whoever you are. We come in friendship to those who are friends." (audio)

Follow Jacquis on Twitter and listen to him on The Cast with Rae and Jacquis

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Comedian Molly Kearney builds a Golden Record full of the things the aliens could never dream of. What will they think of an animated film in which all of the characters are humanoid dogs, some of which are insanely hot? Sure, they could imagine a car, but what about a minivan with the door falling off and all the back benches removed, blaring the best piano rock tunes of the last fifty years? Do they have geode caverns on their planet? Probably not. A hug from Molly's mom? Not in their galaxy.

There is also a lot of talk about pants-shitting and death-by-toilet. It is simultaneously our blessing and curse as a species.

Molly's Artifacts

• A Goofy Movie (audio-visual)
• Not knowing your favorite chicken patty is vegetarian (multisensory experience)
• Driving in Molly's Ford Windstar with no back benches, sliding door falling off, and an Elton John Greatest Hits cassette stuck in player (multisensory experience)
• Crystal Cave in Put-in-Bay, Ohio (geologic formation)
• The bond between restaurant staff (human behavior)
• Hug from Mom (multisensory experience)
• The chewed up baseball from The Sandlot (human ephemera)
• A personal pedicab ride from Molly (human experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• "Tame Dog" (audio)

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Actress, comedian, writer, and podcaster Lauren Lapkus (The Wrong Missy, Jurassic World, Crashing) creates a Golden Record full of experiences, emotions, and tastes. She will not, however, taste anything called "salad" that isn't an actual salad, because honestly that is a repulsive concept.

Lauren's Artifacts

• Watching the opening credits of Who's the Boss (multisensory experience)
• The feeling of lost cat being found (multisensory experience)
• About Time (audio-visual)
• The sensation of peeing in the shower for the first time (multisensory experience)
• The taste and feeling of eating half-baked chocolate chip cookies while stoned (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• painters.nl/wp-content/uploads/057-Crocodile-Peter-Beard.png?w=477">Crocodile, Peter Beard (image)

Hotter, Not Actual Voyager Artifact (But It Really Should Have Been One)

• Self-portrait in mouth of crocodile, Peter Beard (image)

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Comedian and podcaster Beth Stelling ordered some sandwiches...like...an hour ago. They're still not here yet but she's going to go ahead and get started telling Caleb and Shelby her plans for her Golden Record: people falling over and hurting themselves but like not reaaaally hurting themselves, her niece meeting a woodland creature, Ted Danson absolutely nailing it on—oh shit, someone's knocking, brb

Beth's Artifacts

• Falling compilations (audio-visual)
• Niece meeting a bunny for the first time (audio-visual)
• Mr. Mayor (audio-visual)
• Photo of Beth and her mom in Hawaii after her mom retired from teaching (image)
• 6th grade home videos or her and her friends making music videos (audio-visual)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Mountain Climber (Gaston Rébuffat) (image)

Follow Beth and watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max.

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Comedian, writer, and actor Mae Martin (Feel Good) submits their Golden Record artifacts to Caleb and Shelby. They also discuss nude hide and seek, causing chaos in amusement parks, and bad psychic mediums.

Mae's Artifacts

• The feeling of being about to be discovered in hide and seek (multisensory experience)
• Blake Lively in The Town saying "How do you know Dougie?" (multisensory experience)
• Hocus Pocus (audio-visual)
• The Beatles (audio)

Original Voyager Artifact

• fb86-4059-a56c-987f62165130.jpg?width=840">President Jimmy Carter's letter to the aliens (document)

Follow Mae @TheMaeMartin and watch Feel Good on Netflix!

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Comedian and podcaster Sydnee Washington (Hobby Hunter, Syd Can Cook) is prepared to show the aliens what they need to know about humans: the power of Rhianna, Earth's laziness, what we're willing to do for horniness, and Queen Latifah.

Sydnee's Artifacts

• Fenty Makeup (tool)
• Swiffer mop (tool)
• Strap-on (tool)
• Set It Off (audio-visual)

"Do You Think...?" Listener Picks

• Mary Kate Olsen's Zoom Divorce (audio-visual) 
• Nicki Minaj calling out Miley Cyrus at the VMAs (audio-visual)
• sensation of an icy hot patch (multisensory experience)

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Comedian and writer Samantha Irby (Wow, No Thank You; Meaty; Shrill) creates a Golden Record full of artifacts that she hopes the aliens will find life-changing. She also expresses her thoughts on what she would do with Henry Cavill in inappropriate public settings.

Sam's Artifacts

• Gone Girl, the book not the movie (literature)
• A live Tori Amos bootleg cassette (audio)
• Mission: Impossible - Fallout (audio-visual)
• Dlisted.com comment section from 2008 - (web archive)
• The burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Navajo Night Chant (audio)

"Do You Think...?" Listener Picks

• Lenny Kravitz accidental dick exposure (audio-visual) 
• Plain rice with butter (food)
• "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (audio)

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Actor, writer, director and producer Zoe Lister-Jones (How it Ends, The Craft: Legacy, Life in Pieces) creates a Golden Record to educate aliens on human sexuality, food, and reckoning. Also about the power of diffuse lighting.

Zoe's Artifacts

• Liz Phair's Exile in Guyville (audio)
• Chicken (food)
• Michaela Coel's I May Destroy You (audio-visual)
• Mask Fashion (human ephemera)
• Jennifer Lopez's lighting package (human ephemera)

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Writer and generally amazing human Caitie Delaney (Rick and Morty) creates a Golden Record of various elements of Earth pop culture.

Caitie's Artifacts

• Livestreams of Disney Adults (audio-visual)
• French Montana, "Pop That" (audio)
• Richard Linklater's Before Sunset Trilogy (audio-visual)
• prod.cdn.arcpublishing.com/resizer/1atyLQitQi5zelUhKpvf81-2iEQ=/1440x0/cloudfront-us-east-1.images.arcpublishing.com/bostonglobe/LGUBEJECXBDINNHDHMOAA5AIJU.jpg">Paparazzi Photos (image)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Demonstration of Eating, Licking and Drinking (image)

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Comedian and podcaster Steve Hernandez fills his Golden Record with vibes. It's not just the items, it's the feelings.

Steve's Artifacts

• Eating chips and dip with family on holidays (multisensory experience)
• Receiving enjoyable anal sex for the first time (multisensory experience)
• When the Holy Spirit drops during "Pour Out My Heart" (multisensory experience)
• First time being permitted to feel a breast (multisensory experience)

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Jake and Amir, AKA Caleb and Shelby's Headgum bosses, check in on how the Golden Record project is coming. Inadvertently they are tricked into compiling their own list of artifacts to send to outer space.

Jake's Artifacts

• "Wounded" by Third Eye Blind (audio)
• Making out (multisensory experience)
• Cold swim on a hot day (multisensory experience)
• Parents laughing at his sister's wedding (image)

Amir's Artifacts

• A fart (audio)
• McDonalds in your car (multisensory experience)
• Rubik's Cube (human ephemera)
• Laughing until you cry (multisensory experience)
• Getting into a hot bath (multisensory experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Amoy (Min Dialect) Greeting (audio)

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Musician and producer Naomi McPherson (of MUNA) plans their Gold Record with Caleb and Shelby.

Naomi's Artifacts

• Robyn's "Dancing On My Own" (audio)
• Kim Cattrall Scatting (audio-visual)
• Teenage emotions and forgetting what it's like to have them (human experience)

Original Voyager Artifact

• Chuck Berry, "Johnny B. Goode" (audio)

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Sabrina Jalees joins Caleb and Shelby and to build her Golden Record. The theme? Use it to create a Sabrina Jalees space colony/megachurch. 

Sabrina's Artifacts

• One of her frozen embryos (biological sample) 
• Tushy bidet (tool)
• Her dad's curried shrimp crepes recipe (document)
• Her son's DNA (biological sample) 
• A flip book of all her headshots (image)

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Caleb and Shelby invite Holmes Holmes over (digitally) to build their Golden Record.

Holmes's Artifacts

• Janelle Monáe, "Make Me Feel" music video (audio-visual)
• Laughing hard with friends (human experience)
• Shrill, S01E04 "Pool" (audio-visual)

Original Voyager Artifact

• of-vertebrate-evolution-From-the-Voyager-Interstellar-Recording.png">Diagram of Vertebrate Evolution (image)

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Join Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein as they attempt an update of NASA’s 1977 “Golden Records.” Each week, Caleb and Shelby are talking with guests about what art, cultural artifacts, and personal memorabilia they’d send into space; or what would make their “Golden Record.” Episodes dropping weekly December 2020.

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