"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,May you never take one single breath for granted,God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance...

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,Never settle for the path of least resistance,Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their yearsAnd wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.I hope you dance... I hope you dance.(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their yearsAnd wonder where those years have gone.)"

Anya's Picks

• The Library (Place)
• Napster (Technology)
• The Day on Twitter When Trump Got Covid (Shared Experience)

Casey's Picks

• A Planet Hollywood Restaurant (Restaurant)
• The Irish Goodbye (Gesture)
• The Thing (1982 Film)

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An episode full of shocking revelations. Someone in the room (EJ) has never been to TGI Friday's. Someone else in the room (Shelby) thinks Taylor Swift is a psychopath. And someone else in the room (our guest Sam Sanders [It's Been a Minute, Vibe Check, Into It]) didn't know that Jason Mraz says he's Mr. A to Z because Mr. A to Z spells... Mraz .

Also we rarely get this topical/controversial but if you're looking for a primer on the entire DWD drama between Oliv*a and H*rry and J*son, we've got a literal NPR reporter (our guest Sam Sanders) to take you through it beat by beat. 

At some point, artifacts were sent to the aliens. 

Sam's Artifacts: 

• Continuum by John Mayer (Music)
• "Pop-Up Video" (Audio-Visual)
• Really Good California Edibles (Drug)
• Carly Rae Jepson (Person)
• Funyons (Food)
• Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper (Ephemera)

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Shelby gets a little philosophical. Allison helps us get a little introspective. And EJ has chapped lips. 

Allison Raskin (writer/director/comedian/YouTuber/podcaster/mental health advocate!!!) is here for some high brow, some low brow, some pure comedy gold. And the artifacts? Ohhhh these artifacts. You don't see artifacts like these every day. There's music and movies and food and warm feelings, which (we hope) are all the aliens' favorite things (fingers crossed).

Also, our source at NASA has all but confirmed that this record manifested the Blink-182 reunion tour announced this week, so if you're 28-38 years old..... you're welcome, from all of us here at Keeping Records/NASA :-)

Allison's Artifacts: 

• Get Over It (2001 Film)
• Blink-182's Enema of the State (1999 Music Album)

• Allison's Childhood Stuffed Animal BobFred (Ephemera)

• Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream in the Flavor Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! (Food)
• The Feeling Of Someone You Love Wrapping a Dry Towel Around You When You Get Out Of a Pool (Feeling)

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Well looky who we have here: it's the literal titans of the heterosexual podcasting world, George Civeris and Sam Taggart (Straightiolab). To keep things super duper straight this episode, the gang discuss Reese Witherspoon, owls, Lady Gaga, taking a nice long walk in the fall, and then circling back to Reese Witherspoon again. 

The aliens also get the BOGO deal of a lifetime with two sets of artifacts rocketing off into space: 

George's Artifacts: 

• The Final Scene Of The Movie Wild (Film Scene)
• The Music Video For the Song "Why Go?" by Faithless ft. Estelle (Music Video)
• Using Leftover Pasta Sauce to Make Shakshuka For Lunch the Next Day (Food Hack)

Sam's Artifacts:

• Lady Gaga Muppet Christmas Special (Audio-Visual)
• The Feeling When A Guy You Think Is Straight Turns Out To Be Bi (Feeling)
• Season 3 Episode 7 of HBO's Girls When They Go To The Beach House (TV Episode)

Follow George on Instagram and Twitter, follow Sam on Instagram and Twitter, and follow Straightiolab on Instagram and Twitter!

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Things discussed: tortoises, sperm whales, elephant seals, octopi, persian cucumbers, regular cucumbers, gerkins, Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. 

Things not discussed: why EJ is training his cat, and what techniques he is using to achieve his goals. 

And who better to discuss and not discuss these things with than professional discusser Paul F. Tompkins (Comedy Bang Bang!, Threedom, Mr. Show)??? Blessed to have him grace the Keeping Records studios with this hyper-specific list of space-bound mementos. 

Paul's Artifacts: 

• The Sound Tortoises Make (Sound)
• A Beach Towel Being Laid Out at the Beach (Experience)
• The Sesame Street Alien Skit (Audio-visual)
• Church Giggles (Shared Experience)

Follow Paul on Twitter and Instagram and buy tickets to his upcoming Varietopia show at the Elysian Theater!

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Anya (who writes these episode descriptions, hello) finally gets a long awaited and much deserved apology from Shelby, in absentia. I guess I had to fly across the country to give Shelby the distance she needed to make amends. I've forgiven and I've forgotten.

While I was away, Shelby and EJ decided the podcast is perfect (true) and that the funniest person in the world is Jon Gabrus (also true). He stopped by to talk about how super awkward it is to have a sleepover at someone else's house at a young age and how super awkward it is to take a poop at the airport. If you're one of our listeners located in Long Island who just got podcasts within the last 10 years, we welcome you to the show.

Gabrus's Artifacts: 

• Big Trouble in Little China (1986 Film)
• The Scene From Clueless Where Cher Comes Down The Stairs in a Calvin Klein Dress (1995 Film Scene/Gabrus's Sexual Awakening)
• Henry Cavill Fighting In a Bathroom in Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018 Film Scene/Gabrus's Queer Sexual Awakening)
• The Unlicensed Ice Cream Salesmen on Long Island Beaches (People)

Follow Gabrus on Twitter and Instagram and listen to him on his Headgum podcasts, High and Mighty & Corked!  

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You know what feels nice? When a guest takes this assignment seriously for once. Many thanks to Bridger Winegar (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Black Monday, I Said No Gifts!) for putting his personal and professional life on hold for a month to prep for this episode, curating and revising a list of artifacts, and agonizing over making a good alien-first-impression to answer what will undoubtedly be their first question: what is gay?

Bridger's Artifacts: 

• Carol of the Bells (Audio)
• Wave Race 64 (Video Game)
• A photo of Bridger as a ballroom dancer (Visual)
• "Drop the Pilot" by Joan Armatrading (Audio) 

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This episode is for our sweet n earnest lil freaks ONLY. We mean it!!!! If you're not prepared to shed a tear as longtime podcaster/friend of the show/loving dad Chuck Bryant talks about his favorite episode of his kid's favorite TV show, you should probably turn back now!!!!

(OK, now that it's just us sweethearts, we can tell you about the rest of the episode: Shelby comes up with a plan for getting lost in a crowd, EJ pulls out an obscure metaphor never uttered before by man or extra-terrestrial, and Chuck probably wonders why his illustrious podcast career brought him to this moment, watching two people do an improv scene with a bear for some reason.)

Chuck's Artifacts

•  Jaws (1975 Film)
• The Sleepytime episode of Bluey (Children's TV episode)
• This Queen performance of "Somebody to Love" live in Montreal (Audio-visual)
• Musicless Music Videos on Youtube (Audio-visual)
• The guy that fell off his bike in college and acted like he was reading a book (Memory)
• I Think You Should Leave (TV show)

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Welcome to the thunderdome: this week, it's hosts vs. producers as we battle for historical accuracy in the space where it matters most, the intro to this podcast. Sound off/take sides in the comments. Then, Nicole Byer (Why Won't You Date Me?, Nailed It!, Grand Crew) fits us into her busy schedule this week (she flies to London every morning to workout with her British trainer, Ben, which eats up a lot of time actually) to discuss alien buttholes and what notes she would have given Kim K on that video (yes, that video) if she were her mom/manager/momager.

Nicole's Artifacts

• Dunkaroos and/or Dippin Dots (Food)
• Vodka soda (Cocktail)
• Strip Clubs (Business)
• Mushrooms (Psychedelic)
• Wigs (Accessory)

Follow Nicole on Twitter and Instagram and listen to her Headgum podcast, Newcomers!

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Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome back. We have perhaps never meant it to more??? Keeping Records is all the way back, with the new EJ and the old Shelby and all that record-making you love or hate or agree with or disagree with or tolerate. And could we have asked for a better first guest back than comedian/writer/podcaster-to-the-stars Jamie Loftus? No we could not.

Finally all together in the studio, the gang puzzled over some really important questions like: Should you get a pet snake? (No.) Should one have sex with their car? (Only if the car is cool/souped up.) Why is Australia scary but New Zealand not scary? (Unsure.) And other questions that are really worth considering!!!

Jamie's Artifacts

• Jamie's mom's 30th birthday video (Audio-visual)
• Lemony Snickett Books (Book Series)
• The Jinx (2015 Documentary Series)
• The Volcano Couple (Historical Figures)
• Going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking in the mirror and being like remember this!!!! (Feeling)
• The Court Scene From I, Tonya (Film Scene)
• The Hot Dog episode of How It's Made (Audio-visual)

Follow Jamie on Twitter and Instagram be sure to listen to Ghost Church wherever you get your podcasts!

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