- Publisher |
- Les Kurkendaal-Barrett
- Media Type |
- audio
- Categories Via RSS |
- After Shows,
- Comedy,
- TV & Film
This podcast currently has no reviews.
Submit ReviewLes, Kurt, and Jason are off to the races immediately when Kurt confuses the theme from Green Acres for a song from The Wiz. Then we find out who called Blac Chyna (aka Angela White aka, possibly, Dr. Angela White) a fake-ass bitch (spoiler: it was her mom Tokyo Toni!). Then, the guys go snorkeling (even though it should have been SCUBA diving) into Hallmark's "Love in the Maldives." Despite it's STUNNING locale and very attractive cast, Kurt found it boring on a level that was... transcendent. But can a movie that may or not feature a gorgeous (potential) cult leader and feature a scene that feels very porn-adjacent really be THAT boring? Maybe! but at least it helped Les find his next favorite pair of yoga pants and helped teach the other Hallmark characters how NOT to c**k block by c**k ENABLING.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are beyond excited to dissect what may very well be the Lifetimeiest movie that ever Lifetimed, Lifetime’s masterpiece Stalked by My Doctor: Patien’s Revenge. But first Kurt has an Angela White report (aka a Blac Chyna Report) about the continuing coverage of her makeUNDER. Some are calling it the Blac Chynaissance, and for that we are grateful! Then it’s time to grab a tropical cocktail with Jimmy Buffett Eric Roberts, and settle in for a truly insane entry into the Stalked by My Doctor franchise. It’s got wigs! It’s got black hoodies (3 of ‘em)! It’s got chloroform! It’s got a house that may or may not have a dumb waiter and a fireman’s pole! It’s literally got a full La La Land-esque song and dance number. Kurt may not like the sad trombone, but you’re going to like this movie and this episode of the podcast!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a long break filled with lots of travel! Les went to New Orleans and Fresno! Kurt went to Fresno, too! And Jason went to Sydney, Australia! But now all 3 are back in their respective homes, though Jason and Les are very much over the unbelievable amounts of rain (and snow!) that LA has been getting. Kurt found out that he is apparently someone’s “hall pass” (but who’s the top?) Plus, there’s a ton of Blac Chyna news all centered on her new makeUNDER. Then the guys are finally ready to head to Tuscany, the setting for Hallmark’s 2022 film Unthinkably Good things. The first film under their Mahogany label (with a largely black cast), the movie is gorgeous, features 3 leads that all have genuine chemistry with one another, deals with real problems, and back to back montages (!) the movie seems so stuffed that it could benefit from spending more time in this world. But that doesn’t mean we need to ever know if one of the characters REALLY think his sheep are his girlfriends.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are on a journey into seemingly ALL of the topics including Jason’s (unsurprisingly) unfiltered thoughts on The Fablemans. Then the guys venture down an Andrea Riseborough rabbit hole where they find that Richard Roeper gives no f**ks. Kurt finally got Covid and gets the utter the words “baby bump” as he delivers the news that Blac Chyna may be pregnant with baby #3 (the guys are gonna send a baby basket). Then the guys finally reach their destination: talking about Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Journey starring Allison Sweeney, Lacey Chabert, and Autumn Reeser, set and filmed in gorgeous Greece. The movie just might be named after the band that does the song “Don’t Stop Believin,” and will soon lead to the latest movies in the series The Wedding Veil Combat, The Wedding Veil Throuple, and The Wedding Veil Anal Beads. But don’t you dare bump shame, (though it is ok to have opinions about your spouse’s cooking! PLUS, there’s even an incredible discovery made during this podcast about just how truly British one of the cast members is!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking down the aisle (shotgun wedding style) with Hallmark’s Wedding Veil Inspiration. But first, Les has to model the Hallmark sweatshirt he was gifted, and Kurt has some incredible insight into the dark underbelly of Zoom gaming with Imogene Coca. Then the guys give some quick takes on the Academy Award nominees before stepping into the foot fetish frenzy of some evergreen Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time for this week’s movie which features more eating than you’ll see in The Whale. Even with so much food, there’s plenty of regional food shaming that gets so bad that one featured restaurant is forced to write inside their own packaging that the food is trash. If that’s not enough shaming for you, there’s some legit HR violation-level shade towards Autumn Reeser’s outfits, even from Lacey Chabert and Allison Sweeney’s characters. So get over your veil cooties cuz this saga ain’t done yet!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie). Jason Dubray thinks the guys are providing a great service by watching Lifetime and Hallmark movies, and they guys thank him for the kind words by forcing him to watch Lifetime’s latest movie to be ripped from the headlines, How to Murder Your Husband: The Nancy Brophy Story starring Cybill Shepherd and Steve Guttenberg. It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Steve, and now he looks… just like the real life murder victim he’s portraying rather than the guy that starred alongside the Village People in “Can’t Stop the Music.” Steve’s bringing the energy to this movie by constantly talking to chickens while Cybill is… just resting her eyes until the two can engage in some proofreading a manuscript as foreplay. Put on your blue (not orange) jumpsuit, cuz we’re about to play a game of pin the slab of meat on Steve Guttenberg!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com/">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are walking (very reluctantly) down the aisle with yet another Wedding Veil movie from Hallmark, Wedding Veil Expectations. Meeting expectations, this episode has Blac Chyna news about another Blac Chyna lawsuit. But the real focus is on Hallmark's latest trilogy that initially had Les excited until he realized that it was more exciting to hike with Markie Post. As you ponder whether Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton listen to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast, Les will be over in the corner perfecting how to pretend to be dead while watching this movie. If you can get past Jason's rage over lame jokes about the clapper, at least listen to this episode to hear the (actual) true story of how Kurt was almost cast in the Mekhi Phifer role opposite Eminem in 8 Mile!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for a whole new year! 2023 has already brought Kurt a Tarot Card reading and the promise of getting laid… in June. Jason had a whirlwind New Year’s weekend, and Les got to wear some fabulous fringe! Then, it’s time to get back to business, just like Blac Chyna and another potentially violent (and potentially not true) incident. More critically, Les has a truly urgent June Squibb Report (huzzah!). Then the guys (rather reluctantly) attend the end of year showcase for the Park Ranger School of Acting Class of ’22, aka Lifetime’s movie Are My Friends Killers. Sure the acting (and directing, and editing, and writing) are, arguably, super not good. But does that really matter when the entire premise of the movie makes zero sense and the highlight of the movie are a couple of Eyes Half Shut Bodies Fully Clothed Parties, because nothing will fulfill one’s wildest desires like seeing someone in some well-pressed Dockers. You’ve got two choices: either do some snooping so bad it insults Les, or take your 40-year-old self and pose as a college student trying to play Hackysack on the quad yourself.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in holiday movie mode, especially with Les living out his very own Hallmark movie as he travels through Europe to do the podcast from the lobby of a Marriot in Bristol. ’Tis the season to be sexy, if you’re Blac Chyna in a white thong with a giant red bow flanked by two giant nutcrackers and a highly addictive wheel of cheese. Then there no time like the (Christmas) present to get a visit from Hallmark’s The Ghosts of Christmas Present. The movie decidedly does not follow the same story structure of most other Hallmark movies, and it’s for the better since it allows co-stars like Reginald VelJohnson and Lori Tan Chinn a real chance to shine. The movie also shines a spotlight on a 10-year old Hallmark movie that also took great inspiration from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, 2012’s It’s Christmas, Carol starring Carrie Fisher and Carson Kressley. And Jason definitely thinks Les should watch that (and countless other things) before watching the Punky Brewster reboot. Perhaps the most surprising thing to come out of this movie (besides the unnecessarily violently drawn out super repetitive and slow death of one of the characters) is who Kurt believes to be a better actor than Marlon Brando.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are just about ready for the holidays! Les is going to Paris and London! Jason just got back from New York where he did not see the many holes Les talks about! Kurt questions a log’s rights! And Les finally saw Home Alone! Then the guys are ready to examine Hallmark’s first movie featuring a same sex couple as the leads, The Holiday Sitter. It stars Hallmark staple Jonathan Bennett, and it also realistically addresses what getting married means if you grew up gay. It deals less realistically with surrogacy (and the planning surrounding it), features a lasagna for Les, and a side character that may (not) be spent from constant self-pleasuring himself. All that, and we welcome the latest alumni from the Park Ranger School of Acting!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are bracing for the cold with Kurt’s extensive collection of crazy holiday cat sweaters, and Jason’s gonna need ‘em if he gets Busy in Brooklyn this weekend! Les needs to know who Bruce Campbell is (is he a journeyman actor?). Then after some uneventful Blac Chyna news, a bite of sushi in the bathtub with Zoe Kravitz, and a quick browse of the Skymall catalog, the guys are ready to celebrate My Southern Family Christmas. This Hallmark entry didn’t need its romantic storyline since it’s overflowing with never-fully-explained backstory about Bruce Campbell’s character. Did he have a drug problem? Was he in jail? Why are there seemingly so few black people in this town in Louisiana? If you like meat pies, lame icing fights, and have a Rick Moranis fetish, then this movie is for you!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by planet.com">purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are now officially in their “tax” season as the holiday movie season has begun with Hallmark’s highest rated movie since 2019, Three Wise Men and a Baby. But first, a Margaret Colin (not Laura Kightlinger) rabbit hole, Blac Chyna Chyna news involving fondant, and Kurt learned about “sides.” Then, Hallmark cuts right to the chase with a shirtless man in a towel right at the top of the movie, so you know the office fun committee aren’t the ones planning this movie; if they had then there'd be a performance from a (non-drag) Britney Spears impersonator and the real William Hung with a special appearance from the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady. Our new more progressive Hallmark has pill popping, a very laissez faire Child Protective Services division, and Christmas Music remixed by Skrillex (probably). As you drink from your keg of eggnog, don’t forget to tell us you’re in a communist country without telling us you’re in a communist country.
Les, Kurt and Jason are breaking from the norm by analyzing a Netflix holiday movie, Falling for Christmas! It’s currently the number 1 movie in the world on the platform, also features Glee and Acapulco star Chord Overstreet and General Hospital and Melrose Place vet Jack Wagner! Plus The Young and the Restless vet Michael Damian is a producer, so there’s a lot to discuss! Jason has an idea for a reality show hosted by Yoko Ono! Kurt wants to get in the game of flipping houses… gingerbread houses! Les is treated to so very many montages! And all 3 guys are in agreement that Lindsay and Chord weren’t the couple REALLY at the center of the story. So throw a Yule log in the fire as we look for a hot pink blob in the snow!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason (and Les’ cat) are ready to rummage through Lifetime Movie Networks’ offerings and find a good bargain in the form of Deadly Garage Sale. But first we find out why Kurt was shamed at a Cub Scout Meeting (thanks, Bobby Helms!), a new specifically violent detail is learned in the Blac Chyna Rob Kardashian saga (a thrown patio chair!), and we learn that Les culturally appropriated green face for Halloween while Jason wore an adult diaper, naturally. Then, it’s time to check out the deals at Deadly Garage Sale, a Lifetime movie that starts strong with a Sweaty Swarthy Frank Zappa! Les may relate a little too well to having to help someone navigate tech, but we can all relate to HOA’s from hell, even if the hellscape is littered with so very very many yard sales. (Sidetone from Jason: I write these episode recaps, and I’m angry at all of us for never addressing that we never actually witness a GARAGE sale in this movie because we never even see the inside of a garage!). Consider this your Evite to a Garage Sale in the Santa Clarita Valley, complete with a screening of the OnlyFans page of Rick Breedlove.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are all warmed up and ready for Lifetime’s Let’s Get Physical. But before they hop on the pole, the guys need to talk about veteran character actor George Goebel and whether or not Blac Chyna sex trafficked TikToker Ava Louise. And we learn about Jason’s experience on the @PodMeetsWorld podcast where he talked about his time as a background actor on Boy Meets World (and his many many recent run-ins with @BenSavage. Then they’re ready for the movie which is produced by Jenna Dewan (one of the stars) along with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelas. Kelly and Mark’s son is in the movie, too, along with his muffins and a… “cookie.” If you’re looking for a movie with loud sex that you hear but never see, you’ve found it! So let’s discuss a reverse mortgage while doing reverse cowgirl and have a dance party in prison!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to wade into the Bros discourse by taking a look one one of Luke MacFarlane’s latest Hallmark movies, Taking a Shot at Love. But first the guys all share their Judy Tenuta stories: Judy was booed off stage at Kurt’s college, so Kurt walked out too! Jude raided the prize file cabinet of a famous radio personality! Judy gave Les some great career advice! Then we learn that Blac Chyna is starting to bare more for her OnlyFans page, and the guys start to strategize having Tokyo Toni on the podcast in hopes of eventually landing Chyna as a guest, too! Then it’s time to hit the ice for Taking a Shot at Love. The guys picked the movie since it starts Hallmark staple and current Bros co-star Luke MacFarlane, but the lack of a busy heroine, some unnecessary ethnic ambiguity, and a whole lotta cock blocking (or is it that a cock crowed), keep this from being the barnburner one might hope. If you plan to watch this, check your house to see if there are any non-hot people (and call the police if necessary), but do not eat a S’more, and do not accidentally go cruising.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason do their first-ever topless podcast (at least Les is). For the second week in a row, Jason is super skeptical of Kurt’s Blac Chyna report claiming Chyna is earning $20-million on OnlyFans, and Tokyo Toni agrees! Then the guys put in a bid for Lifetime’s Ruthless Realtor featuring a potential villain named Meg (NUTMeg) that is the girl at the audition that everyone tries to sit on the other side of the room to get away from. But Meg knows that a Brisket is a powerful tool, so powerful that Les thinks Kurt could date her, off-putting beret and all (Even Monica Lewinsky couldn’t ROCK one). See this movie if only to witness the new advancements in the way victims are drugged in a Lifetime movie and to learn about the law through post-it notes.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after an extended break of dealing with many personal and professional ups and downs. But to make it up to the faithful listeners, the guys decided to jump back into the grind with a very special BONUS episode about Jackee, the 1989 pilot for a spinoff of 227! But first, the guys debate whether it’s Evan possible that Blac Chyna earned 240 million last year on OnlyFans. Then it’s time to watch the pilot (at 1.25 speed for Jason!). Sure, Sandra is more likable since she’s running an Italian restaurant out of her apartment, but it sucks that her new job working in the porn industry is cut short so she can work at a combination gym and nail salon (these are actual details!). With a wardrobe from Chess King, a surly receptionist, and a cameo from Pearl, it’s a wonder that this wasn’t picked up to series!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back very good friend of the show Meredith Thomas back to talk about her latest project. Meredith is Lifetime Royalty at this point, so it’s exciting that she’s now making moves behind the camera as the Second Unit Director for Keeping up with the Joneses. Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that Meredith and all of us are trying to wrap our head around (Courage). Then it’s time for Keeping up with the Joneses: The Wrong Nemesis (the first episode of season 2). Les schools everyone on great deployment of the soap trope “you never find a body.” There’s a lot of references to the “Whoopi Goldberg did a movie with a dinosaur” film Theodore Rex. Plus, with an expanded hoodie budget, (somewhat surprisingly) no welding, and shady money exchanges that feel like selling something through Craigslist, this movie is the right catalyst to teach us that sexism even persists in the boys’ club of ecoterrorists. Lesson learned: landladies can be spies, too.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason may (or may not) have survived the Fourth of July, but the jury is still out whether they survived this week’s Lifetime movie “Jailbreak Lovers.” But first, Kurt shares the incredibly riveting news that Blac Chyna Drinks 2 cups of coffee a day! Listener Lisa contacted us to let us know she enjoyed our banter about notaries, and Les’ sister Anita contacted Les to thank Kurt and Jason for saving Les’ life! Then, the guys don't beat around the bush (though someone should) when it comes to this ripped-from-the-headlines (and Dateline NBC) movie about Toby Dorr and John Maynard. The guys think Catherine Bell is far too attractive to be the dupe in this particular set of circumstances. That could have been fixed by some haircuts and dye rather than a sketch comedy old person wig that doesn’t get used. Ironically, it’s not the old person wig that has Les thinking one of the characters looks like George Washington (not Thomas Edison… and definitely Ben Franklin, oops). A good disguise also didn’t stop these characters from being genuine morons (as was the case in the real life story as well). But, honestly, anyone could break out of a prison that disciplines inmates with the honor system.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a longer than expected break after Les attempted to recap the movie while he was driving through Texas in a thunderstorm because he is a multi-talker that also once took a Covid test from behind the wheel. Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that has something for all of us! Then, the guys enjoy a Caribbean Summer, Hallmark style. If you’ve got a foot fetish, this movie is for you! If you’re into how news interviews, this movie is NOT for you! If you’ve long not cared about the Taylor Ham vs. Pork Roll debate, this movie is ALSO not for you! This movie shows some skin and gives us risqué dialogue. But nothing is more shocking than the fact that the family in Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer sent back Grandma’s gifts after her tragic reindeer trampling.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Killer Grades Are Given for Aging Out of Being a Twink (like Menudo)
Les, Kurt, and Jason are still in the afterglow of their interview with the PornHub Math Teacher (check out the bonus episode that was released just before this episode), but they’re here to explore the way the Amityville Intellectual Property is being exploited. Plus, Les and Jason explain to Kurt (in a very quiet soothing tone) what ASMR is. Then Kurt delivers A LOT of Blac Chyna news (She’s being sued! She’s doing celebrity boxing!) And, of course, the guys have to dissect a movie, and Killer Grades from Lifetime certainly offers a lot to discuss. If you’re looking for intense nerds, Gremlins rules for dosing drugs, and an Academic Decathlon that makes an MMA fight seem quaint, then you’ve found the right movie (and the right podcast).
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to talk to one of their bucket-list interview subjects (no, not Blac Chyna): the PornHub Math Teacher, Chang Hsu! The guys have been (not-so) low-key obsessed ever since they learned that there was someone teaching math (and making a good amount of money doing it) by uploading his SFW videos to PornHub. Maybe it’s his Master’s in Mathematics, or maybe it’s his play hard study hard ethos. Either way, he’s found a truly unique way to incentivize learning! You can find Chang Hsu on TikTok and (yes) PornHub @Changhsumath666.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back together, figuratively, as Les is in Ireland while Kurt holds things down in New Jersey and Jason does the same in California. The guys have a lot to get to including the biggest Blac Chyna news report ever, and the fact that Les and Jason get to meet a ton of Lifetime stars at a screening of The Wrong Blind Date (Jason even wore a black hoodie for the occasion). Then Kurt and Jason recap Lifetime Movie Network’s “Pretty Little Dead Girl” for Les (since he can’t watch the movie in Ireland). Les, without even having seen the movie, already senses trouble when he finds out there’s no black hoodie in this movie. Nor is there any baby switching of swapping of identities despite plot points that would have made either somewhat plausible. The movie, though, does feature people tweaking out on Diet Coke (probably), others experiencing low blood sugar for turning down a cookie that ISN’T stupid, and… a twist. Plus a schmaltzy ending.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason gather to discuss what may very well be Hallmark’s most progressive movie ever. But first, there’s big news about Candace Cameron Bure post-Hallmark. And there’s even bigger news about the Blac Chyna / Kardashian trial (Tokyo Toni isn’t allowed in the courtroom… but Jason almost was, maybe). Then it’s time to peruse Love, Classified, a Hallmark movie starring Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office, and she who was cast and then fired from the role of Jennifer in the Back to the Future movies). The movie also stars Max Lloyd Jones (from Hallmark’s When Calls the Heart, and who used to work with Jason!) If you’re looking about a movie revolving around a much nicer version of the Next Door app, then you’ve found it… especially if you also want that movie to touch on pansexuality, intense grief, estranged family, and an almost date between mother and son! This movie is a big swing from Hallmark, so much so that Les thinks it’s his favorite Hallmark movie ever.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason get the to bottom of a very important question: Does Les think Nash Bridges is hot? (Spoiler: yes). But that doesn’t make Redd Foxx a Silver Fox. Then it’s time to celebrate Kurt’s birthday with a new manicure (Blac Chyna got one,) and (eventually) some cake. After jumping into a Ryan Seacrest / McLean Stevenson / David Caruso / Shelly Long rabbit hole, the guys finally get to Fatal Fandom, the Lifetime Movie Network movie that may have changed Kurt’s life. This movie has grapefruits with salt and the loudest tacos and crickets ever heard on film. There’s also shirtless working out (which could have just have easily been shirtless computer work) and special instructions to give your Grubhub driver if you’re stalking someone. Go to Encino to get your blazer, because we have a nice hot fudge sundae for you!
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
On this special Bonus Episode the guys welcome Actress / Producer / Good Human Christina DeRosa from Lifetime Movie Network’s Drowning in Secrets. Christina is at the top of the call sheet now, and she’s schooling Les, Kurt, and Jason on Situational Awareness (she talks to the extras!). Plus, Christina is gonna make Jason’s gay teen heartthrob dreams come true while also confirming that she is NOT Jennifer Beals (nor is she Alyssa Milano). Christina also checks some Susan Lucci fandom boxes for Les, and lets Kurt know that Little Orphan Annie was NOT in the Wizard of Oz with Natalie Portman (but Christina was!) Please check out a charity near and dear to Christina’s heart, fastfoward.org and check out Christina on Instagram and TikTok @actresschristinaderosa.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back and ready to talk about some Blac Chyna drama, some Will Smith / Chris Rock / Jada Pinkett-Smith Oscars drama, and the Hallmark movie A Little Daytime Drama. Before you watch the movie, you should seriously go look up clips of the early 90’s talk show Attitudes to really soak in some peak Linda Dano and Nancy Glass (or look up clips from SNL of Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks). Then, you’ll be primed for this soap opera-set movie that has a questionable understanding of Los Angeles and Hollywood geography, how many pages of script a soap can film in a day, and how a dog’s reaction means that the characters have been… intimate. If this movie isn’t for you, you can always look at the content on PosthumusPorn.com.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome special guest Laura Poe to talk about her Lifetime movie Drowning in Secrets! Laura is nursing many broken bones after a snowmobiling accident, but is still very game to talk about her movie, Blac Chyna news, and the (seemingly sudden) popularity of this podcast in Australia! Plus, Kurt lets Jason know that he’s mad because Jason (seemingly) unleashed ghosts on him (see last week’s podcast). Then they all get in the water with Drowning in Secrets, a movie featuring sisters that clearly don’t communicate well with each other, fabulous pearls and Burberry umbrellas, former teen heartthrobs David Chokachi and Jason London, and a crash course in Gaslighting 101. This movie also features a hint of Prince’s fashion sense mixed with some Billionaire Boys Club preppy hotness as well as some relaxing coffee and Yankee Candles.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason return after a few weeks off, and they have a lot to catch up on, Les was recognized for his work whilst nude! Kurt heard back from the PornHub math teacher (he actually heard back months ago, but didn’t check Twitter)! Jason sent a friend a neon fruit sign! Then, they dive right into Lifetime’s If Walls Could Talk featuring a house that may be haunted by someone not terribly concerned with the drought. The guys were super excited to see the movie since it features friend-of-the-pod Meredith Thomas doing fantastic nosy neighbor work here (and concerned neighbor, too). Meredith, of course, has fantastic outfits (teaching Kurt about Laura Petrie). Jason, on the other hand, was so concerned about the casket carrying in the movie that he actually found a blog with tips on how to carry one! If this house is haunted, Kurt will not be living there because he does not have the time, he’s too busy watching Amityville in Space!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are the podcast equivalent of Lacey Chabert, Autumn Reeser, and Allison Sweeney, only the guys aren’t sharing a wedding veil (you gotta listen to the pod to see what they think guys would share amongst themselves). But first, Kurt has some opinions on the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood (not to be confused with The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), and some big Blac Chyna news. Then Les claims that a trend that started on an episode of Seinfeld is now growing in the real world. But then it’s time for the guys to once again put on The Wedding Veil for Hallmark’s The Wedding Veil Legacy (this time it’s personal). Among other things, it features a (possibly) racist Nonna and a character that may be luring young children with the promise of historical poetry. What this movie lacks in some much-needed face tattoos, it more than makes up for in fabulous turtlenecks and squirting cannoli cream. And at the end of the day, it all makes for a solid episode of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries' new romantic dramedy Wedding Veil and Tux.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason had a celebrity-filled weekend, which included Les hanging with our friend Meredith Thomas and meeting The Wrong Valentine himself. If he comes on the podcast, Child Protective Services may be notified if there are too many June Squibb references. Kurt once did a student film with future Oscars host Amy Schumer. And Jason watched the Super Bowl mere feet from former NFL player Michael Sam. But none of that is nearly as exciting (or racist) as Rob Kardashian possibly thinking that he’s Mexican as the Blac Chyna trial is about to heart up. Then, the guys dissect the 2nd movie in Hallmark’s Wedding Veil trilogy, The Wedding Veil Unveiled. This movie features a plot point that, by Hallmark standards, is pretty scandalous… and In this movie it’s something to be celebrated. Plus, is Emma the stalker? Are there people in this town really turned on by lace? Is there truly such a thing as Brimley fatigue? The guys will break it down in an incredibly riveting Power Point presentation.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason talk about the upcoming Super Bowl and all the related parties in Jason’s neighborhood, reminding Kurt that he needs to have cake at the Abbey while Les films everyone’s reactions. In lieu of Blac Chyna news, it’s time for a Blac Chyna quiz! Then the guys have opinions about Lifetime’s "Single Black Female," a kinda-sorta-but-not-really remake of the movie “Single White Female.” What this movie lacks in shared DNA with the original, it more than makes up for with the presence of the original Aunt Viv from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Did they film the movie’s lone romantic date in the hallway leading to the bathroom of a strip club? Probably. Is there a severed head in a bag that is a different race than the person who was killed? Likely. Did some parents accidentally get their kids chloroform for Christmas instead of Chloroforms? Of course!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have the perfect movie to watch during the winter storms: Lifetime Movie Network’s “Psycho Storm Chaser.” Everyone is being affected by massive winter storms at the moment, except maybe the podcast’s Lithuanian listener. Come visit the country of Bullsh**tia, home of crazy adoption stories and Blac Chyna news that will help you with the Lifetime of Hallmark drinking game. You’ll definitely be cheering this week’s truly insane movie where the killer’s motive is to teach people a lesson for not heeding the advice of their local meteorologist (seriously, that’s actually the motivation here). This killer then goes on the FRAME the weather for his crimes, leading you down a super deep Gilligan’s Island rabbit hole where you’ll wonder if those castaways were exiled to that island by the Psycho Stormchaser himself. In a town that needs to have a serious reckoning with the labor movement, only Woody Allen and a possibly former pole-dancing coma patient know the real score.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason give their thoughts on this week’s movie before their opening theme song is even complete, but first dive right into some Blac Chyna news that checks all the boxes. Then, the guys are ready for the first in a new trilogy of Hallmark films, “The Wedding Veil.” Starring Lacey Chabert, Allison Sweeney, and Autumn Reeser, only this expansion of the Hallmark Cinematic Universe could shine a well-deserved spotlight on a Grady from Sanford and Son Masterclass and a realization about Wilfred Brimley that Les is NOT happy to learn (and it has nothing to do with oatmeal, vodka, or cocaine… or the cease and desist that may follow. Do not cease from sending us your Mac and Cheese recipes, though, for it pairs wonderfully with an array of cakes and pies at couples therapy on your first date.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome back friend of the podcast Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) to talk about her starring role in Lifetime’s The Wrong Blind Date. A psychic didn’t tell Meredith that she’d be doing the wrong movies, but they did tell us that the Blac Chyna reporting would once again get slightly more violent than the last time we heard the story. This episode is a MUST-LISTEN for fans of Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network (LMN) as Meredith Thomas has appeared (so far) in 30 movies for Lifetime, second only to the Queen, Vivica A. Fox. In addition to Meredith, this episode also features an appearance from an important prop from the movie! Plus, the guys get exclusives about the pandemic’s effects on the movie’s wardrobe (more of Meredith’s own amazing wardrobe, less shirts for the guys) and food (no onscreen cake for the offscreen catering). And, there are pitches to for many other Wrong movies including The Wrong Construction Site, The Wrong Soap Star, The Wrong Podcasts Hosts, The Wrong Sperm Donor, and The Wrong Vagina.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest to kick of 2022: Daytime Confidential Senior Editor and Podcast Co-Host Jillian Bowe (@jillianbowe). Since so many soap actors star in Lifetime and Hallmark movies, the guys wanted to see what the real blending of all those worlds would look like with Peacock’s swing at a holiday movie, Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas. Kurt wonders if this movie, set in the Days of Our Lives universe (kinda) is a school assignment. Jillian is skeptical of Blac Chyna’s 6-foot metal pole. Les reveals countless insane backstories from Days of Our Lives' past. Jason wants to open a temp agency specifically for last minute soap recasting. And everyone goes down an insane rabbit hole of heteropaternal superfecundation (twins with different dads). Perhaps most critically, this movie has Jackee, slapping, and shirtlessness.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason, like the rest of the world, are mourning the passing of the legendary Betty White. Back in 2019, they watched a Hallmark movie starring Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt called The Lost Valentine which showed us that Betty is a fantastic dramatic actor, too. So please enjoy that episode again (or for the first time).
REPOST:
Les, Kurt, and Jason join the search party for The Lost Valentine, a Hallmark Hall of Fame film starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. One thing that was found: Gil Gerard's career! (Who knew Gil Gerard shaming could be a thing?) Kurt describes the east coast weather as a June Squibb (a surprising number of our episodes are tagged with June Squbb's name). The guys read serious "swinger dinner party" subtext into one of the scenes, learn that Captain Stubing was an abusive father, agree that public proposals are bad bad bad, and confuse one of the characters with Neo from the Matrix (or was it R&B singer Ne-Yo)... all while name-checking Lance Bass' movie "On the Line," Hoku, Don Ho, and the demise of the CableAce Awards.
Facebook : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded this in 3 separate parts of the world as Les is currently in Brussels where he will be attending a wedding in an actual castle! Jason’s theory about the same Blac Chyna story getting increasingly more violent every time it’s repeated leads the guys to start brainstorming the Lifetime movie they plan to write and produce called “The Wrong Kardashian” (directed by Jackee). Then it’s time to head to the super diverse pocket of America known as Salt Lake City in Hallmark’s Sister Swap: Christmas in the City, the companion movie to last week’s Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday. The movies share MANY plot points, though in this one it’s revealed that 2 of the side characters are gay… and even get an on screen kiss before the leads of the movie do! The biggest takeaway from the movie, though, is to not beg your (possible) ex to come work at your restaurant when she’s in the middle of a busy lunch rush because she will shut you down immediately.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason went into this week’s movie, Hallmark’s Sister Swap: A Hometown Holiday, thinking that it would involve body switching or twins (or both), but those expectations weren’t met. But before the movie sucks them in, first they have to discuss Blac Chyna being accused of kidnapping someone (and equally accused of being high on cocaine and crazy). Then the guys are ready to dissect a movie that features both Williams sisters (Kimberly Willams-Paisley and Ashley Williams, not Venus and Serena) in what appears to be a 2 part movie that is told from one sister’s point of view with this movie, and from the other sister’s point of view in the next movie (which will be discussed on the next podcast). Any movie that can veer conversations about the sex appeal of Charles Fleischer (aka the voice Roger Rabbit… and Laverne’s next roommate after Shirley moved out), the comparability of Bob Dole and The Big Ragu, and Beaver Cleaver’s trashy girlfriend can’t be all that bad. Plus, if nothing else, listen to this episode to hear the pilot of Kurt’s new podcast all about Ann Jillian.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason take their time before dissecting taking tiny testicles off tree branches to discuss such important issues as mannequin piss, Magnum condoms’ lid with room for whipped cream, and which former President is Blac Chyna ride or die. But then, it’s (begrudgingly) time to pour a glass of Lifetime’s “An Ice Wine Christmas,” a movie Kurt and Jason keep forgetting wasn’t from Hallmark instead. The telltale sign it’s from Lifetime: they like science and sex. What the movie lacks in paid grape pickers, it more than makes up for in opportunities to find out which Academy Ward Winner Kurt once saw at Ikea.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
On this special bonus episode, Les talks to the creator and director (respectively) of a new stage show clearly inspired by Hallmark movies (and this podcast), My (Unauthorized) Hallmark Movie Musical. Eloise Coopersmith created the show, and Jon Peterson directs, playing now through December 19, 2021 at the Broadwater Theatre Mainstage in Hollywood
Books and Lyrics by: Eloise Coopersmith
Live performance Directed by: Anne Runolfsson;
Multimedia performances Directed by: Crissy Guerrero
Music by: Roxanna Ward
Music Arranged by: Tony Guerrero
Presented by: P3 Theatre Company
Starring: Eloise Coopersmith
Special appearances by Nina Herzog on December 4 at 3 PM, December 11 at 3 PM, and December 17 at 7 PM.
Where: The Broadwater Main Stage, 1078 Lillian Way, Hollywood, CA 90038
When: Opens, Friday, December 3, 2021, at 7 PM.
Runs through December 19, 2021.
Fridays @ 7pm; Saturdays @ 3pm and 7pm; Sundays @ 3pm
Admission: Adults-$38; Seniors/Students/Military-$35
Group Discounts Available
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to speed into this week’s Hallmark movie, but first they have to debate whether Blac Chyna looks like Edna from The Incredibles (and therefore like Linda Hunt). Then, the guys hop on the train to Hallmark’s Last Stop, Christmas, a time travel movie that had the gall to cast Back to the Future alums Lea Thompson and Christopher Lloyd while also stealing from Quantum Leap and Thomas the Train. This is a fast moving train, though, because it’s (allegedly) powered by a lot of meth and serves donuts! Sometimes what we want is not what we need, and we neither wanted nor needed to see someone drying their balls in the hand dryer… but here we are.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason get a late start thanks to numerous technical issues, but they finally do dive right into Blac Chyna news which has seemingly moved toward a more violent telling of a story each time it’s repeated. Then it’s time to talk about Psycho Intern from Lifetime, a movie about people who constantly applaud at meetings even as they simultaneously shovel copious amounts of food into their mouths. The presences of Jason Tremblay, the real-life dad of Jacob Tremblay from the movie Room leads Kurt to recognize that it would, in fact, be disturbing to be trapped in a shed. Les may not want to watch Andy Richter shower, but he DOES want to dish some dirt on the Brady Brides. And Jason is skeptical of the concept of an outpatient prison, cuz if you’re in a hospital and are about to be suffocated by a pillow, at least use the button.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle a movie that Les watched in 2 cities over 2 days, while Kurt watched it 2 times, Hallmark’s South Beach Love. Sure, the movie’s not nearly as sexy enough for the very attractive leads, but before they get into it: Jason has to relay why he’s mad at (possibly) Rihanna, and Kurt now thinks that we’ve historically been too hard on our beloved park ranger, and Les is mad that Danica McKellar may be moonlighting for another channel. Then the guys dig into a movie about dueling quinceañeras, and soon find out Les likes a good sexy mumbly man, Kurt is not a teenage girl, and Jason is in awe of the gotcha journalism of a food blog. Ultimately, though, the movie is so boring that the guys end up talking about a dude that makes 250K a year teaching math on what is otherwise an adult content site.*
*The name of the site is being deliberately left out of this description in the event that one of the words in its name could negatively affect any algorithm used to suggest this podcast to others. But the site’s name rhyme with “torn hub.”
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are all in agreement of a very bold opinion: Love Strikes Twice this is the best Hallmark Movie they’ve ever seen. (OK, Les thinks it’s tied for 1st, but still…). But first, you’ll need to listen to this podcast to find out about Blac Chyna screaming at an unvaccinated person, the avatar singing competition Alter Ego on Fox, and a very sad rabbit hole of bad reality shows from the past. Then, they guys get to really heap praise on a fantastic Hallmark movie that does not feature bad Mr. Saturday Night old people makeup or period specific pool floaties, but DOES feature time travel, an incredibly fun heist sequence, and confusion over whether super-producer Rick Rubin is part of it (he is not). Seriously, you should watch Love Strikes Twice b.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have A LOT to unpack before diving into this week’s movie including increasingly more elaborate narrative about Blac Chyna AND the news that the Queen Lori Loughlin is returning to TV in a familiar role… on a channel you’ve never heard of… for her old boss… who seems to be attempting to re-create his Hallmark Channel magic elsewhere. Then, the guys are ready to meet cute with Lifetime’s The Wrong Prince Charming. Is the title alone the most Hallmark-y Lifetime has ever gotten? The movie features Vivica A. Fox and a returning (finally) Tracy Nelson, plus a guy who recently played a prince in a Hallmark movie who Jason has seen shirtless in person. Kurt thinks the acting coach for the entire movie went to our Park Ranger School of Acting™️. And Les thinks the set decorator used the famous leg lamp from A Christmas Story! What IS a Covid-safe hoodie? Is one character taking off his shirt because of an overactive thyroid? And why is Vivica in violation of SO many HR laws? Take a listen to find out!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason let it be known right out of the gate that they were not fans of Hallmark’s Roadhouse Romance. But before they get into the details they discuss great movies that would’ve become even better by having Jackee in them, and they preview their new podcast idea which is just hearing people Google things. Then they get into Roadkill Romance (there, we said it), a movie that features many Canadian actors doing such bad southern accents that it’s still unclear what the main character’s name is in the movie (Is it Callie? Is it Kelly? We’ll never know). Soon, the guys come to the epiphany that the writer of this movie may have been watching a bunch of Patrick Swayze Movies. Are the actors in this movie so apathetic about it that they’re improvising dialog about bad scripts, therefore making this movie very meta? Perhaps we’ll find out if Lifetime ever decides to make “The Wrong Barbecue Sauce.”
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason tackle their third Lifetime movie in a row, and it’s all about the royal family (even though Jason does not like this Monarch s**t). But first, there’s some Blac Chyna news that may have been written by a bot and some Lori Loughlin news (by way of her daughter Olivia Jade being announced as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars). Then, even though this movie doesn’t have a typical Lifetime cold open, it still features a lot of moody flashbacks (via very heavy-handed comparisons to Princess Diana). Then, the guys debate whether Prince William is a sub, whether Princess Kate is playing Candy Crush on her phone, and whether there were landmines at Club Med. Then movie’s biggest misstep, though, is that they didn’t have Tyler Perry Play Oprah.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason (and you) have been given a perfect cast with Vivica A. Fox, Jackee, Angie from the previous podcast episode’s movie, AND our friend Meredith Thomas all starring in Lifetime's The Wrong Cheer Captain (but seriously, where’s Tracy Nelson?). After some Blac Chyna news and a discussion of the upcoming dramatic reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the guys dive into the epic movie (and give props to production company Hybrid Productions. Even though this movie lacked a black hoodie, dead parents, hidden cameras, and chlorform, it did give have some next-level wooden acting from the Park Ranger School of The Dramatic Arts, framed beautifully with lots of lip gloss in extreme closeups. Plus, the movie inhabits a universe that posits that vaping nicotine leads to murder.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason start the show with the realization that Les has watched this week’s movie in a new and exciting (terrifying) way that Lifetime probably never intended for its movies. Kurt digs into the Blac Chyna archives to give us one of her greatest hits, and the guys lament the news that OnlyFans is getting rid of porn (a decision that was reversed after the recording of this podcast). Then, they dive right into the catfishing pond of Lifetime’s “Do You Trust Your Boyfriend,” a movie in which the main character kinda sorta causes all of the murder and mayhem to ensue yet never gets the blame she deserves. Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast friend Meredith Thomas has a fabulous role in the movie with Ben more fabulous hair and wardrobe and questionable health ailments whose symptoms the guys investigate. Sure the movie has multiple epic slaps, but you came here for the super inside baseball conversation about the SAF-AFTRA election and you know it.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason gather (virtually) after a few weeks off, and since it was Jason’s birthday he’s spared from watching Hallmark’s “The 27 Hour Day.” To hear Les and Kurt tell it, it’s as if the movie were 27 hours (amirite?). Jason has 2 important questions: was there a pointless trivia contest in the movie (no?) and are these people living on a commune (the verdict is still out). While our heroine may be a very busy heir to Heloise’s throne, she loses points with Kurt for burning the brownies. But at least that was the spark that started “Dessert Talk,” the new podcast within a podcast.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have lots to share as Les and Jason ran into each other last night! But more importantly, Les saw the one and only Eric Roberts outside of his chiropractors office, AND Les was on stage in Blac Chyna’s clubhouse. Les may have been too afraid to ask Eric Roberts to be on this podcast because of his “resting I will f** you up face,” but he just might possibly have discovered that they live in the same neighborhood! After Kurt manages to turn his Blac Chyna news about Tyga and Trans women into a (perfect) excuse to reference the 80’s band Men Without Hats (repeatedly), the guys turn their attention this week’s Lifetime movie, “College Professor Obsession.” The movie is part College Admissions Scandal and part Eyes Wide Shut (or so Les thinks, Kurt disagrees), but Jason can’t get past the gaping plot hole that the death that happened on this campus just one week earlier would have been a rather big story to family living just 30 miles away sending their daughter to the same school. The old adage, “don’t focus on plot, just focus on discussing Adrian Zmed” has never been more true as the movie serves up classic Lifetime gaslighting from a cult leader with a potbelly and a flat ass and a couple of young women pretty much asking to be pushed off a ledge. Nobody’s getting a good education at this school, but they’ll get help from Where There’s a Will, There’s an A.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Kurt gets some great news, so Les and Jason decide that Kurt shouldn’t have to watch this week’s dud of a movie, Hallmark’s Love at the Ranch. After Kurt’s Blac Chyna Report (and the reveal that Jason was offered Hallmark-branded wine), Les and Jason recount the movie that may be the least-enjoyable one ever endured for this podcast. Brimming with Gaslight Condescension, the movie features a boss that makes June Cleaver look like Miranda Priestly, a typing montage, and organic vegetables. In other words, even the possibility that these people may all be living on a commune and don’t know it can’t elevate this old-guard Hallmark movie enough to make us care about the full circle path of an orchid.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason wiped the stink of their most recent snooze fest selection by returning to the fountain of lunacy that is Lifetime’s Stalked by My Doctor series with the second chapter, The Return. After debating whether Blac Chyna-adjacent news is still news, the guys go all in for a movie that shows Eric Roberts doing therapy over Zoom in a pre-pandemic world, conditions us to believe that fashionable personalized life vests are a things, and gives us a delicious recipe for a smoothie filled with pills! Eric Roberts tries to take the blazer-on-a-beach wearing crown from Carnie Wilson, but when Pine Valley looks like Simi Valley, we’re all gonna confuse Mikey Rourke for Mickey Rooney (or is it Andy Rooney?).
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
es, Kurt, and Jason return from a few weeks off to a movie about a vacation paradise, Hallmark’s You Had Me at Aloha. Sure, the movie could’ve benefitted from some script doctoring from Kurt during his recent hospital stay (or at least some notes from Les’ sister), but at least the movie does finally say Aloha (as in “goodbye”). Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that focuses on the poor judge that, as part of his judicial responsibilities, HAS to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. Then, the guys hit sand to take in this week’s movie. You’d think that with the inexplicably high-fiving extras and Crocodile Dundee rabbit hole that they’d find more to like about this week’s pic, but that’s all counter-balanced by goat imposters and yet another pointless trivia contest. At least this movie’s sidekicks are as fun as a three-part episode of the Brady Bunch.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that the world is opening back up, and Jason coins the phrase “The Whoring 20’s” (though other people have probably used the same term before. The Blac Chyna Report leads to a deep dive on the term “baby mama,” and we learn that Jason could’ve (should’ve) been included in the Friends reunion. Then the guys eventually get into Lifetime’s Deceitful Dating, a movie which feels like each scene was started with poor improv work yet the only through line is that everyone really loves orange juice. This movie doesn’t feature a typical Lifetime villain as much as it does somebody that wants to lurk to get better home design tips in person rather than watching HGTV. Perhaps the most sexless Lifetime movie ever, perhaps the only redeeming element is the way the victim trades beauty tips about her stalker… set to a live score from Les.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt and Jason try to delay the inevitable: talking about this week’s Hallmark movie. Despite the presence of Queen Lacey Chabert, the guys would much rather discuss a Blac Chyna story involving a hitman as well as a long discussion of late 80’s/early 90’s first run syndication staples like Throb, What’s Happening Now, Small Wonder and Shelly Long. When they DO talk about the movie, they find themself fascinated with grilling whilst bathing, John Grisham novels as porn, and the offensive stealing from (aka homage to) Back to the Future.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason go for a second week in a row with no Blac Chyna News. Thankfully, though, Kurt comes through with news that Eric Roberts was on the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy! That timing is fortuitous since the guys decided to watch another Eric Roberts Lifetime movie, Stalked by My Doctor. They all loved Just What the Doctor Ordered so much, so they decided to go back to where this cinematic universe began… and it did not disappoint! Soapboxing about texting and driving, check! Unfriending someone on social media as the ultimate middle finger, check! Sniffing a doll’s clothes before beating the absolute s*** out of another doll in a fit of entitled rage, check! This movie serves up lunacy and infuriating misogyny in ample amounts, and still has time to work in multiple chloroform scenes. We can talk about it all at the backyard funeral!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason don’t have a Blac Chyna Report, but they DO have an update on Lori Loughlin, yet another discussion of Patti Labelle’s dessert selections, and the concept that Martha Stewart either thugged it our or hugged it our (only autocorrect really knows). Then, they guys (reluctantly) start to dissect Hallmark’s Sun, Sand, and Romance… which is more like Sun, Bland, and Romance (amirite?). Kurt think it’s Hallmark’s first cuckhold movie, Jason points out that the movie’s many empty platitudes are similar to the offerings from the store Successories, and Les gets excited to watch Tony Robbins talkin’ s***. The movie may feature the exact same extras playing resort’s employees AND the guests, but at least a mysterious real estate mogul exerts some Big D energy to liven up your s**tty souvenir shopping montage.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Jason, and Kurt are all super-excited to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie that they barely have any time to even discuss Blac Chyna(!) If you've ever wondered why the guys like Lifetime movies so much, start right here with this one, Just What the Doctor Ordered! It's the FIFTH movie in a franchise that we didn’t know we needed… but boy are we happy when we found it. Jason proclaims that this is the most insane movie we have ever watched for this podcast, and he’s not wrong. It’s got Eric Roberts! Giant Cameras! A CPR dummy that serves as this movie’s “Wilson!” When you’ve got a detective that is all in for the Lars and the Real Girl situation happening and a psychiatrist with clearly undiagnosed OCD, you know you’re in wild time. Even wilder than a night sharing SAG screeners with Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts while Jimmy Buffet makes margaritas!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason kick off the show having to delicately explain (or imply) what "ski poles" are, then they get excited for the first new Blac Chyna news in weeks (triggering questions about how Blac Chyna would dress for court and why the Kardashians want a free subscription to her Only Fans page). Then it's time to talk about Hallmark's Right in Front of Me, a new movie starring a (very sexy) Phillipino lead, yet another new milestone for the channel. There's also a potential romantic rival named that leads Kurt to genuine introspection on his walk. Les and Jason share potential Scientology recruitment encounters, we learn that eating garnishes is gauche, and Kurt keeps seeing ads for Atlantis gay cruises. But that's all just an onramp to the episode's most important conversation: how do other celeb's hotness stack up to Fred Gwynne (jump ahead to 1:09:21 for that 6 1/2 minute exercise in absurdity).
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are stunned but he lack of Blac Chyna news this week, so Les instead offers up a report on Jackee's shenanigans on Days of Our Lives (spoiler: there's A LOT going on including a drunken consolation marriage!) Then, the guys are ready to hold the super gigantic baby at the center of Lifetime's Beware of the Midwife. This movie revels in some (but not all) of Lifetime's best tropes: sneakiness, black hoodies, and baby stealing. But the guys can never figure out where the movie is set (is it New York? Chicago? St. Paul? Pittsburgh?) or why the hospital has such a problem with very basic security procedures. Plus, bigger questions loom including: Would this gigantic baby win in a fight against Bam Bam from the Flintstones? Is that chloroform or poppers? Is the actor playing the lawyer trying to win an Emmy for his 5 and under? Discuss amongst yourselves, just make sure you turn on the water and whisper.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready for the latest and final(?) chapter in Hallmark’s “One” trilogy of One Winter Weekend and One Winter Proposal with One Perfect Wedding. Despite having recapped the first 2 movies for this very podcast, Kurt still has no recollection of who these people are. Before we get an answer to “why is the lead of this movie bald now (a popular query on Google), we get an answer to “How has Blac Chyna navigated the pandemic?” Then Les and Jason concur that Kurt, as a background actor in The Trial of the Chicago 7, should technically get to share in that movie’s win at the SAG Awards. Kurt may be a SAG Award Winner, but he is (admittedly) no Dr. Joyce Brothers. Jason ponders if the new Hallmark will eventually mean creatively bleeped F-bombs, and Les offers some sage advice (via Jackee, obviously). Plus, Jason and Les offer some controversial opinions about Brokeback Mountain and Call Me By Your Name even as they wonder if there is squirrel feces in your pinecones.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are recapping a movie written by another person that once lived in Jason’s apartment building Lifetime’s Brutal Bridesmaids. But they can’t get into movie without first getting an in-depth (possibly via Wikipedia) look at the rise of Blac Chyna and and even more in-depth look at all the publications that we’ve never heard of but have featured Blac Chyna. Then, the guys are ready to head down the aisle into the movie, written by Jason’s friend Patrick Powell, and featuring some AWESOME outfits (except for the wedding dress, what the hell?!?!). This is possibly the cattiest movie the guys have ever watched, including the shadiest (and longest) makeover montage that puts it into the montage hall of fame. Sloan may be a constant bummer, and there may hot have been a curse at the center of it all as Les suspected, but at least there’s a pyramid scheme! And a male stripper that Les and Jason have strong opinions about! And a Johnny Lawrence/Daniel-son / Tom & Jerry ending for Kurt! If you don’t like it, you should just sneak out like a lady!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason really do see the positive changes Hallmark has taken to contemporize and diversify their movies while still staying true to the Hallmark Brand. Speaking of on brand, Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that is (once again) solely about her outfit... and propels the guys into pondering what Blac Chyna's courtroom looks would invoke. Jason is happy that the Bink Williams character kinda sorta inspired by him made it into Hallmark's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart". Then, the guys are ready to go for a swim in "Chasing Waterfalls," a Hallmark movie that has great messages for young women and girls, shirtlessness for Les and Jason, and Cindy Busby for Kurt. It's also got a diverse cast with multiple people of color and members of the LGBTQ community, actual use of the word "divorce," allusions to pre-marital sex, and tips on how to avoid getting eaten by a bear! But even though the guys seemed to like it, they are all still wondering about the windfall of gold that awaits them!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to welcome Nina Weinman back to the podcast to talk about her new Hallmark Channel movie Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Nina and Jason are longtime friends and former improv cohorts, and Nina even (sorta) wrote Jason into her latest movie (though Jason's not happy about the name change). Kurt has a game for Nina (which she thankfully aced) and Les rightfully lauds Nina and Hallmark for their continued efforts into inclusivity. Plus, Nina hints at some exciting Hallmark movies she has in the pipeline.
Follow Nina Weinman on Twitter @nibewe. She says she's not that interesting, but we disagree.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason love themselves an over-the-top Lifetime movie, but this one may not have lived up to expectations. The Blac Chyna news also left something to be desired as it was not so much “news” as much as it was “a piece of information that is barely notable.” Then Jason goes on a rant about about DVD waste before the guys join the sex trafficking ring cooked up in Lifetime’s Desperate Widows. The movie was formerly known as Mommune as in “mommy commune” as in a movie that truly tests Les and Kurt’s patience. On the one hand, the movie has a hot dad and hotter handyman, but on the other hand we never meet the dad and the handyman may or may not be a (helpful) mute. This is a movie that’s all about side hustles where sex trafficking is basically the same as opening an Etsy store, albeit one that leads to potential HR violations.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by almost immediately going down a Tyler Perry rabbit hole (but who hasn't done that?) and a riveting Blac Chyna Report involving matching outfits. Then, the guys head to Malta for Hallmark's Mix Up in the Mediterranean, a movie that seems to make a run at things Lifetime usually treads in like crime, deception, and the age old question of "should we go through people's medicine cabinets?". Kurt thinks the movie is DUMB, and Les and Jason agree despite really liking it and all of its ridiculous kitchen espionage. We may not get the "one twin training the other twin" montage that Les had hoped for, but we DO get Les spilling the tea on his cousin-in-law. And we get a Hallmark movie that very casually lets multiple characters commit a felony (making the guys realize that one of the characters in the movie is either homeless with hitman connections or he's been microchipped and can never leave. Dig into a nice baked Alaska, and if you don't like it in 2 months then you know it wasn't very good anyway.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason try something for the first time: recapping a Lifetime movie with the help of one of the movie’s stars! Special Guest Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) is a veteran of many movies in The Wrong Cinematic Universe, and she’s got a pivotal role in The Wrong Valentine. Meredith gets to work alongside Vivica A. Fox and her character gets to say everything that the audience is thinking, even if her suspicions are proven correct first-hand (something Meredith’s dad didn’t see coming on Google Maps). Plus: Les is ready to step right into this movie’s mom’s cowboy boots, Kurt rewinds to determine what kind of birthday cake is being served, and Jason is taking it all in on the Sliver wall of TV screens.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason bring you a jam-packed show heading into Valentine's Day / President's Day weekend! Kurt brings the evolution of media full circle by doing a rerun of his Blac Chyna Report. Les, unsurprisingly, reveals that he's an official Wendy Watcher (aka the Wendy Williams fan army). Jason learned that he's being cut from a Hallmark movie (sort of). But that brings the news that their friend Nina Weinman, writer of many great Hallmark movies, will be on in a few weeks to talk about her latest, Breakup Boot Camp (coming March 27 to Hallmark!) Then, the guys get into Hallmark's Beverly Hills Wedding, a movie with Sandy Duncan situation (or is it Aunt Bea?) that leads the guys to debate who in the film is the most problematic person (and they have OPINIONS). There may more gays on the Hallmark Channel than an Atlantic cruise these days, but that doesn't mean a wedding can't have toxically masculine invitations, right? If you don't like 'em, you can chow down on a bowl of blueberry jam for dessert as you stank-face it up!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason may have taken one step closer to fulfilling Les’ dream to be on the Wendy Williams Show as they recap Lifetime’s Wendy Williams: The Movie. But first, the guys reveal that they’ve all spent a lot of time in the past week researching the net worth of William Kate and Connie Selleca (of The Greatest American Hero). Then, Kurt delivers a Blac Chyna Report that veers wildly between topics and leads the guys down an informative and extensive Cameo Rabbit Hole (you can pay for a Blac Chyna Cameo with a convenient payment plan!) When it’s time to discuss the movie, the guys lament the demise of the spinning newspaper effect in movies (really, the groundbreaking Marvel-level special effect of its time). How did they do it? By attaching a newspaper to the wheel of a car? A Lazy Susan? Witchcraft? Wendy Williams: The Movie is a masterclass in sneaking around, and delivers so many montages (including the weirdly relateable “f-ed up on a substance in a club” montage) that even Les is overwhelmed!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have a new show open! And a new Blac Chyna Report intro. It couldn't come at a better time since Kurt quickly recaps an entire episode of Blac Chyna's reality show and Les reveals that he has TWO contacts that have worked with June Squibb and thinks it's only a matter of time before she comes on the podcast (just mathematically speaking). Then it's time for a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic, kicking off with Salt-N-Pepa (though the kicking better be gentle in case Pepa's feet are hurt from her Flintstones car). That roof may be in disrepair, too, after Kurt jumped on it the first time he heard our podcast on a computer while his dad watched Lacey Chabert solve crime and crossword puzzles! Best fun fact learned in this move: the song "Push It" was recorded in a bathroom! Best line in the movie: Salt, while in labor, being told to "push it real good!" Best realization: that if there's ever a biopic about this podcast, Jason would be the Spinderella.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have a pep in their step which could be because they're recording this on inauguration... or because Les got extra relaxation time and almost missed the recording session. Or maybe it's because they have TWO Blac Chyna Reports (one from Kurt and one from Les)! Then, they get in the car with Lifetime's Dying for a Daughter, a movie that happily implements many of Lifetime's best tropes: Blatantly repeating important details for the viewing audience! Ridiculously oversized "hidden" cameras! Wine! More wine! Rufies! Epic amounts of snooping! Unhelpful detectives! Gaslighting! The only things it was missing were chloroform and Vivica A. Fox... but at least it had one of Northern California's top rated Gary Busey impersonators and a child actor so committed to her part that she was willing to actually let her limbs be broken for the sake of art!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited to kick of their 2021 Hallmark movie viewing with a new one from Lacey Chabert, Winter in Vail. Kurt may be the most excited, though, since he did some social media digging into the lives of the movie's extras. We learn of a new Lacey Chabert specific Hallmark movie trope (the inherited property), which leads to the question: what would YOUR specific Hallmark movie trope be? Les would certainly be the Hallmark eavesdropper (and has THOUGHTS about how to properly do it). This movie is all about strudel, and it didn't even dawn on the guys until the very end that Lacey's character in Mean Girls claimed that her dad invented Toaster Strudel. Plus, Uncle Grady may not have been the one from Sanford and Son, but he may very well have once had relations with a real-estate agent named Bev (or maybe his best friend Carl). Les gets mad at the German inaccuracies, Jason hates the lazy LA bashing, and Kurt is now (falsely) claiming to represent Elisabeth Shue.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Les actually spoiled Cobra Kai's season 3 on his social media after Kurt put him on blast, but Jason doesn't think it's a spoiler if the information is used to promote the show (so no spoiler here: Elisabeth Shue makes an appearance). In Blac Chyna news, we learn that Rob Kardashian doesn't want their daughter Dream to twerk. And in our Squibster of June Squibb news, we learn that June is BFF's with Lupito Nyong'o, and that June used to have a career as a female Fabio. Then, the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime's Fatal Fiancé, a movie that may be the start of a new franchise (though is not, regrettably, part of a trilogy that also includes Fatal Attraction and the Whoopi Goldberg movie Fatal Beauty). Fatal Fiancé is packed with soap stars and insane amounts of exposition as well as the world's most clearly labeled bottle of chloroform ever. This is the perfect episode to listen to as your hiding in the backseat of a Hyundai Veloster!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason question why Aunt Viv from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is going after Lori Loughlin (who's out of prison) and finally launch Squibbster, their long-anticipated update on all things June Squibb. Then the guys take a ride on Hallmark's Christmas Carousel, a royal-themed holiday movie set in the ficticious country of Ancadia. Or is it Anaconda? Or Arcadia? It's hard to tell with all those bad accidents and even worse toupees. It's even harder to tell when the royal family's assistant isn't doing her job resulting in a proposed rehearsed SOLO of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (aka a song as repetitive and non-solo-worthy as "Row Row Row Your Boat"). Pop a Molly (figuratively, of course, nobody's actually advocating drug use) and head to your nearest Courtyard by Marriot with your HR team because it's hirin' season!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason discuss the Blac Chyna of Christmas Past and Lori Loughlin getting out of jail soon (which is good because Kurt is concerned she may not have enough lunch money). Then, the guys unwrap the gift that is Lifetime's The Christmas Setup. Unlike the same sex couples in recent Hallmark movies, this one features a same sex couple as the main storyline, and it's so good that the guys think it may be one of the best movies they've every watched for the podcast (and not in the way that, say, Killer Contractor was great). Fran Dresher leads a cast that all give great performances (and Les doesn't think so simply because he partly owes his SAG card to Fran Dresher) in between promos for Lifetime's upcoming biopics about Wendy Williams, TLC, and Salt 'n' Pepa. We'd tell you more, but being bound by an NDA is exhausting, so you should just listen!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Up on a Housetop Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Les’ internet gave Kurt and Jason a chance to discuss, at length, the Dukes of Hazard Spinoff Enus, which leads to a conversation about Sheriff Lobo, which leads to a conversation about Nell Carter (obviously). Then we learn about the newest player in the Blac Chyna Cinematic Universe, Lil Twin (and the spelling of his friend’s name leads us down a very particular rabbit hole because Jason made the mistake of Googling. But it turns out that the Lil Twin news is the perfect segue into Hallmark’s Christmas Comes Twice since it stars Tamera Mowry-Housley, one of the twins from Sister Sister. Despite the name, the movie is not about twins but does involve time travel (a subject Les is convinced he’s an expert in because he’s seen Avengers: Endgame). And even though all three guys thought the movie was actually really good (and they all cried!), they still found plenty to dissect. Why does that ride feature strawberries? Why is Miss Nelson so lazy? Who needs 500 forks? Should Enus be rebooted in 2020? Listen to get your answers!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark
Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast
Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered for a bonus episode to discuss Lifetime’s self-described Mini-movie, A Recipe for Seduction. Yup, this is the movie with a sexy Colonel Sanders played by Mario Lopez. The guys are well aware that they’re doing a recap of branded content, but they’re ok with it since they learn that the real Colonel Sanders wasn’t really a military colonel as much as he was the OG Blac Chyna of his day and Sara Lee may have been the gay BFF of Colonel Sanders (soon-to-be) wife.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
On this episode, Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the hilarious Jacquetta Szathmari, one of the hosts of the podcasts Hey You Know It (www.heyyouknowit.com @heyyouknowit), and there is SO much to talk about! The guys are excited about the Sexy Colonel Sanders in the upcoming Lifetime branded content starring Mario Lopez (which leads to the realization that there is probably a Colonel Sanders porn fetish). Rita Ora overshadows the Blac Chyna news with an unbelievable amount of shade towards her ex Rob Kardashian. Jackee is returning to soaps (though she's likely no longer Jackee at a 2). And, critically, Jaquetta asks: are the Masked Singers (and Dancers) furries?!?!
Then, it's time to dissect Lifetime's Let's Meet Again on Christmas Eve, a movie a couple that should never have broken up in the first place reconnecting as they are forced to plan a last minute Christmas wedding for the most budget billionaires ever who are easily wowed by pinecones and ill-fitting dresses but inexplicably like to (poorly) decorate things that are already decorated. What the movie lacked in logic it made up for in a clean set from the Covid crew (Kurt is a fan of their work) and lessons in money management. Is Jewish Bernie actually Santa? What movie was Jason's backdrop for a makeout session with an old girlfriend? Should everyone watch A Very Brady Christmas? Vivica, come defend your wig and find out!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back newly-certified Facebook Top Fan Lori Meeker (not certified as a fan of us, but of Hallmark Channel's Facebook page)! Lori's here to tell you about her new immersive postal play Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: Christmas at Home. Order your tickets to this truly cool and unique experience now at welcometomeadowlarkfalls.com, this is this is the PERFECT gift for someone that wants to experience what it be like to live in the world of one of the kinds of movies we dissect on this show every week!
This week, Les, Kurt, Jason, and Lori enter Hallmark's The Christmas House, a movie that is just as groundbreaking (for Hallmark) for prominently featuring a same sex couple (and kiss! and hand-holding!) as it is for saying the "D" word (aka "divorce"). Heck, they even throw in some demon sorcery (aka "magic") to all buy ensure a backlash from a bunch of people that likely don't watch Hallmark to begin with. But those people are missing out on the most annoying whistle ever, lazy stereotypes about L.A., and fake British accent from the town of Fakington that turns out to not be fake at all.
**Warning: this episode features the exploration of an Ann Jillian rabbit hole and an approximate determination of Blac Chyna's net worth.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason may have Zoom fatigue, but they don't have Blac Chyna fatigue as Kurt launches into news of an epic feud between her and Wendy Williams. Sure, it would be tough if Chyna weren't making $20,000,000 per month on Only Fans (or is is $20,000), but it would be even more tough for Jason Momoa if he had to suddenly start driving for Uber. Marie Osmond may not drive for Uber, but she may very well be moonlighting as a limo driver in Lifetime's The Christmas Edition, a movie about the exciting and super relevant world of print journalism! Even if Santa Barista doesn't prove as integral to the plot as he could (should) have, he does send Carly Hughes to Alaska to make lovey eyes at a dopey poor man's Liam Hemsworth (or is it Val Kilmer and David Harour's baby?) and to meet a dude who may or may not be the Humpty Hump guy (or is it former RNC chairman and current MSNBC contributor Michael Steele?). Whether you're into gingerbread, more gingerbread, or even more gingerbread, you'll agree that this movie was not lacking in montages!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
It's time for a bonus episode. This episode was originally set to be released before the podcast switched into holiday movie mode, but was delayed due to technical difficulties (and even more technical difficulties after the fact).
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back the wonderful David Rosen from the Piecing it Together Podcast (www.piecingpod.com / @piecingpod). This week’s movie is a doozy from Lifetime called Psycho Sister-In-Law, and it features a lot of breakfast, and even more hair brushing for all the June Squibb fans that saw Space Jam in the theater like young Kurt. What the movie lacks in logic, it more than makes up for with countless characters, and a never-ending list of ways to say the name Kelly/Callie. Of critical importance, though, is that there are numerous shots of cannolis and cupcakes and a pregnant woman doing some John Wick s**t.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for another Blac Chyna Report, but Jason and Les notice that it's quite lacking in news about Black Chyna herself. We DO get some belated news about Lori Loughlin... which leads the guys down a rabbit hole about David Lee Roth from Van Halen, Paul Lynde shouting "Roots" to Levar Burton, and Fred Schneider of the B-52's shouting "pineapple!" But you won't find any pineapple in any of the crullers or Galwickian Yule Cakes at the center of Hallmark's "One Royal Holiday." You will, though, find a hot security guy who, a prince with Covid hair, and a bed and breakfast superdome! As Kurt has his Norma Rae Moment and Les gets on board with the idea of a Laverne Cox-fronted remake of Tootsie, Jason makes notes of Hallmark's passive aggressive ghost writers. In the end, though, the takeaway from this episode is that Les knows Melissa McCarthy and hasn't (yet) booked her to be a guest on the podcast... and that one can get c**kblocked by "Joy to the World."
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les almost forgot he was recording a podcast with Kurt and Jason, but once he remembers, it’s an opportunity for Kurt to make the analogy that Rob Kardashian is to Keeping Up with the Kardashians : Warren Beatty is to Madonna Truth or Dare. Then, the guys pick out their best stalking outfit to dissect Lifetime’s The Wrong Cheerleader Coach, a movie that more than makes up for the absences of Tracy Nelson and Eric Roberts with the addition of Tara Reid and an until-now underused Courtyard by Marriot Fitness Center. Kurt’s pheromone’s may be wasted due to the pandemic, but Corin Nemic’s pheromones have a hold on every single woman in this movie. They’ve even affected Les who was compelled to Shazam some of this movie’s production music. If you’re looking for an incredibly long tangent about actors’ unions and a discussion about male models playing detectives, you’ve found the RIGHT podcast talking about The Wrong Cheerleader Coach.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason learn that they were talked about on somebody else’s podcast (how meta!) and discuss what qualities would make for a good celebrity Only Fans page. Then, they wait to catch My Best Friend’s Bouquet, a movie that may be Hallmark’s most diverse one ever thanks to many recycled sidekicks from Hallmark movies past. In addition to diversity, this movie had giant scarves (SO many giant scarves), leftover scones (noted by Kurt), and the possibility of old teeth in a ring box (imagery courtesy of Jason). We also get the sense that Hallmark is getting turnt, as evidenced by incrusted drinking and extensive talk of corn holing and a very slight insinuation that a character may have been pregnant before marriage. It really is a whole new Hallmark!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason buckle-in for what they think is going to be a movie completely off the rails, but only moderately (barely) delivers: Lifetime’s Cheer Camp Killer, a diversion that’s only as drama filled as a long read piece about Blac Chyna’s mom Tokyo Toni. For starters, a Lifetime movie with the word “killer” in the title should involve some actual killing of unnecessary characters. And it should have Vivica A. Fox (*Vivica A. Fox did not appear in this movie, and neither did the killing of unnecessary characters). What we DID get as a very Kate Winslet / Frances Fisher in Titanic mother-daughter relationship, a few kids that were actually good at sneakiness, and a full cast of characters that were steeped in mediocrity. And a hot kinesiologist that prompts a 15 minute conversation about how none of the men were shirtless in this movie.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason lament the essential cancellation of Halloween as we know it, walk of shame and all. (Poor slutty David S. Pumpkin costumes will have to wait until next year). They also offer huge congrats to our friend David Rosen of the Piecing it Together Podcast on his marriage… even if it takes the guys a second to piece together what the name of his podcast is. The Blac Chyna news leads everyone down a rabbit hole about whether it’s easier to transition to porn to so-called legit acting work or vice versa… and whether or not character actors can do it (picture Ed Asner naked, you are welcome). Then, it’s time to embrace the season of FALLmark and Falling for Look Lodge, a Hallmark movie bursting at the seams with the most white people stereotype ever: being really into autumn! Even with boring trivia games, an understaffed and underpopulated lodge, a super weird energy cake tasting, a sinister sister that would totally be a murderous stalker in any other movie, and a dude that’s into a turtle more than a woman (which is obvious to everyone but the woman), the biggest takeaway is that every Hallmark movie is basically Baby Boom. And that Linda Evans used to be married to Yanni.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are back in the dojo and all equally obsessed with Cobra Kai, especially the fact that Kim Fields is a presence in season 2 (or, as Jason calls it, season Tootie!). Les tells the other guys that Kim was on a season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta but left because she’s not ratchet (and Kurt learns what that means). After an in-depth discussion of the Chris Evans photo that won the internet (Jason doesn’t want a Hulk penis, btw, but would like a Thor hammer), it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s Deranged Granny. Starring 4-time Cable Ace-winning pescatarian Wendy Malick, this movie had all the potential to be completely off the rails insane, but plays it (somewhat) closer to the vest. What it lacks in overly absurd plot twists, it more than makes up for in experimental cinematography fit for a director’s reel. Malick’s character Barbara bakes! And cooks! And poisons! Though it’s not hard to be evil when your son is a Pansy Paul Rudd, and your daughter in law’s ex has a lightning quick digestive system, even if that doesn’t leave her enough poison to deal with her implied massive rat problem.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Even as Les, Kurt, and Jason come to the realization that they should be Hallmark and Lifetime movie consultants (and that Kurt should be a Blac Chyna consultant) they somehow missed the opportunity to say the phrase “when it rains, it bores.” Even without that profound piece of wisdom, you’ll still be treated to a very important discussion of sprinkles vs. jimmies before reading the temperature of Hallmark’s Love in the Forecast. If you ever wondered what it’s like to get fully stalked in Arkansas… in a Hallmark movie, by many people including a poor man’s Adam Devine, look no further than this movie which makes Les rail against people he finds un attractive. As our heroine Benjamin Buttons her way through a career by using a Rube Goldberg device to predict the weather, Jason is collecting S&H Green Stamps to be able to buy the love the Lifetime of Hallmark fan army of dairy farmers.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason dissect a pretty monumental movie for Hallmark because it rather prominently features a same-sex couple. So after diving into Blac Chyna's visit to a sex shop at the top of Jason's street, the guys dig into Wedding Every Weekend. No, the prominently featured lesbian couple is not the focus of the movie, but they are still just to the left of front-and center in a movie that Les thinks pulls out all the stops by Hallmark standards (though Jason thinks they've only barely slowed down for the Yield sign). If the lesbians, interracial couples and lack of dead parents aren't enough to entice you, maybe some incredibly long tangents about Jane Fonda and the absurd lack of priorities within the 80's sitcom Mr. Belvedere will help make you realize how flakiness is actually an essential and life skill. Why exactly are they having a wedding in the middle of bear country? Consider that question and Herbie the Love Bug's sexuality as you enjoy your cake from The Abbey... unless being alone is your jam.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les starts the show by trolling Kurt (and, to a lesser extent, Jason) about the fact that they have yet to see some of the most iconic movies of all time (and we're not talking Hallmark and Lifetime movies). We learn the exciting news that Les used his snooping superpowers to help his husband find some biological family members. Plus, Les and Kurt JUST NOW realized that the Blac Chyna Report intro that Jason produced largely uses Trump's inability to normally pronounce the word "China." And that's all before jumping into a new Lifetime Cinematic Universe that's anchored by The Twisted Nanny. If you're looking for a movie that gives a masterclass in strobe light stabbings, a-hole children, and gaslighting literally everyone in your life, you've found it along with the major news outlets covering all the CPS house calls today.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason start this week's episode with the realization that the planet Neptune has some GOOD podcasts, and their Blac Chyna Report leads the guys to the realization that she should deliver for Postmates. Then the guys Check Inn to Christmas, Hallmark's 2019 Candace Cameron Bure holiday movie that makes poor Sassy the Cat go an entire movie without taking a dump (even on the Polar Express), giving new meaning to "squatting in the attic." We'd think that Karl Marx wrote this movie if not for the potential of holiday c**kblocking, and senior LBTQ+ couples, and a foster child who seems to be the only one that knows what's going on.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason start the podcast by celebrating some great milestones for A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast: 10,000 downloads and counting! And there's more reason to celebrate: Hallmark is adding LGBTQ+ stories and actors to their movies (though we're pretty sure the latter was already covered). Then it's time to coordinate your viewing with Lifetime's The Wrong Wedding Planner. Yes, of course there is Vivica A. Fox, but this movie also has Jackee Harry! And the realization that Lifetime villians can do all of the marketing department's tough Photoshop assignments while they are filming! And a locksmith with a nice body and and even nicer house! Plus, decide for yourself if Vivica is a flat-earther, and spread the word by Xeroxing it for your 'zine!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome Lori Meeker, the Creator and Producer of Welcome to Meadowlark Falls: A Very Cookie Christmas, a super-fun immersive show that is like living and experiencing a Hallmark-style holiday film in real life! After the guys give Lori a primer on Blac Chyna, they all dive into Hallmark's Check Inn to Christmas, and Lori is right at home schooling the guys on pine swags. Les remembers this movie's male lead from a Prince movie (not of the Under the Cherry Moon variety, sorry Kurt!), and the guys (but not Lori) is upset that all the parents are alive and well in this movie. What this movie lacks in June Squibb, it makes up for in penis-shaped construction, 90's TV stars who are maybe letting it snow, and an allegedly gay guy making buttons.
To find out more about Lori's show, visit https://www.meadowlarkfalls.com
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason delve into one of pop culture's greatest mysteries: Where can one view the early 2000's TV pilot that Bob Newhart filmed with Sisqo (he of Thong Song fame)? We may never get answers to that, but, we do get some Blac Chyna news, some super weird Hulu recommendations for Kurt, and some more raves about Love, Victor. What we don't get in this week's Lifetime movie The Wrong Mommy is some Tracy Nelson... but we do get peak creep from Eric Roberts, Vivica in true boss lady mode, and Dee Wallace throwing down some master kickboxer moves! The guys will delve into all the hard-hitting questions like "does lip balm make you gay?" as they get an INCREDIBLY detailed explanation of autoerotic axphixiation and squeeze the public library's advertising budget for all the money they've got.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason attempt for the FIFTH time to record the podcast (thanks, Mercury being in retrograde), and finally succeed when they learn that Blac Chyna owes her former landlord A LOT of money. The, we find out that Les has moved AGAIN, and that all three guys have thrown themselves into Hulu's Love, Victor. Which is to say the guys were looking for any reason they could to avoid talking about Hallmark's Matching Hearts, a pretty milquetoast movie that makes NBC's 80's dramedy Love, Sidney look like porn by comparison! (They had gays on TV in the 80's, who knew?!?!) Even if Jackee hadn't (presumably) accidentally turned this role down, the movie would still have needed the guys' ideas for a Zoom-inspired Hallmark movie because the business at the center of the (very thin yet expository) plot is not a good business model and the parents aren't even dead! Does our heroine become drunk with power? YES! Does her boyfriend like anal? Umm... MAYBE! Does Les go into an insane amount of detail about all the dead moms in Disney movies? You betcha! And most importantly: will Jason ever find out if there was a kiss at the end? Listen to find out!
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to do something they've never done: revisit a movie after having already done a podcast about it. Maybe you weren't lucky enough to hear their epic 2019 episode about Lifetime's The Wrong Neighbor before it inexplicably went missing from podcast platforms and all of their computers. But it never went missing from their hearts, and the guys are now able to look at it with much greater context about the Wrong Cinematic Universe. But before they can even dive in, they discuss Andy Warhol's autobiography, the apparent swingin' sex lives of Dick Van Patten and Gene Siskel, The Forbes story about The Bold and The Beautiful's plans to use lifelike sex dolls to help film, and Blac Chyna's plans to collaborate with Nicki Minaj. With all that amazingness out of the way, even though we DON'T get to see Vivica A Fox, Eric Roberts, or (critically) Tracy Nelson, we DO get to (eventually) see Michael Madsen pre-lunch and post-lunch. We also get to see the producer's girlfriend, a security expert that has no idea what a tax attorney does (or possibly a chiropractor), and a newly discovered Lifetime trope of getting gussied up to visit a food truck. Go Grab your Lifetime-branded chloroform wipes, you're gonna need 'em.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
Les, Kurt, and Jason debate whether Blac Chyna's philanthropic efforts are really benefitting anyone other than her, and discuss the possibility of having (maybe) forever lost one of their favorite episodes of this very podcast (and how they're going to remedy that). Then, they swan dive into this week's Lifetime offering, Psycho Yoga Instructor. The guys are understandably disappointed that this movie featured way more of the "yoga" than it did of the "psycho," but at least there's a montage... of SMOOTHIES! Sure, this yoga class may be FULL of drug dealers, but at least there are plenty of 70's and 80's TV detectives on the case like the casts of Mrs. Columbo, Hart to Hart, and Moonlighting. And those detectives are all going to find out that Jason has been Googling "how to make chloroform" (for RESEARCH about this movie!), and he's using secret spy Julia Child's famous chloroform recipe. But, this episode's most important takeaway is: You get a pass for cheating IF it's done in self defense.
Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com
This podcast could use a review! Have anything to say about it? Share your thoughts using the button below.
Submit Review
