SOMEBODY, STOP ME!

And the Oscar for Tightest Red Dress goes to…Cameron Diaz (a.k.a. the human Jessica Rabbit in The Mask)! Don’t be fooled, gang. Jason pretends to hate this amazing movie while TOTALLY appreciating all of Cameron’s ASSets. The lesson to be taken from this is that you, too, can fall in mutual VD if you wait long enough for the hot girl to settle for you.

Welcome back to 1994, the year that Jim Carrey revealed himself as the mischievous god of comedy who would come to rule Darth’s imagination and heart. Oddly enough, this was the same year that Jason was still catering to (not FOR) all the johns of the city. It’s honestly the only reason why he’s able to smoothly incorporate prostitute humor into his Dad Jokes.

The Mask shows us that Stanely Ipkiss was the inspiration for Ted Buckland on Scrubs. Also, Nathan Lane now performs at the Coco Bongo club; he’s basically the Lady Chablis of South Beach.

We normally don’t do what we’re about to do, so pay attention, listeners, and get excited, for we have some historic news. #HindsightIsHorrifying is officially hosting our first male guest! He will be joining us on our next episode to discuss Death Race 2000 as well as our upcoming show in Alpharetta, Much Ado About Nothing. This Shakespearean production is directed by Jason Mitchell, in spite of some promotional misunderstanding.

Now, we understand that some of you simply don’t love us enough to cross oceans for this free show that we’re putting on next week for our parents. That being said, stay tuned to find out where we will be live streaming our Shakespearean production. Aussies, we’re counting on you. Show us that love from Down Under.

Did you know that The Mask and Archer only implement sodomy in the strictest legal definition? Welcome back to the movie description. We felt you guys were getting a little off topic with that Shakespeare nonsense.

Anyway! Working backwards, Artie from Kimmy Schmidt = Lt. Kellaway from The Mask = Boone from Animal House. We knew that would blow your mind up just like a circus balloon shaped by a carnie in a dark alley!

Don’t think we’re letting you get away without the important lessons learned from this movie:

1. Monogamy is NOT a type of wood.
2. If you ever hear Darth don a British accent, don’t believe a word she says.
3. All henchman should have fabulous hair and all FBI agents should hold hands.
4. Hootie & the Blowfish should never try to rob a bank.
5. White Fanging is ONLY okay with girlfriends and bosses, not dogs. Who else is going to find your keys OR your cheese?

Lastly, we realize that there was an actual lesson in this movie. Stanley Ipkiss had the courage he needed all along, even without the mask. So if he ever goes looking for his heart’s desire again … oh wait, he already found it with Tina Carlyle, so he’s all set.

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