This was originally a Patreon-exclusive bonus episode, which spans 2000-2002, time covered from season 1 episode 9 until after the season 1 epilogue.

*** CONTENT WARNING*** This episodes features strong language and references to abuse and self harm.

Kat - later known as Ina - writes LiveJournal posts before, during and after her relationship with Johnno. 

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Transcript below.

Cast: 

KAT - Janis Westin (she/her) y2kpod@gmail.com

NARRATOR - Emma Laslett (she/they) https://twitter.com/Waruce

Written, produced and directed by Karin Heimdahl (she/her). 

Intro and outro music is created and recorded by Jake Haws, check out his podcast Making Music with Jake Haws to hear more. 

For more information please visit y2kpod.com. You can also find us on twitter, instagram and facebook @Y2Kpod,or e-mail us at Y2Kpod@gmail.com

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Blue fireworks image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay (https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301).  

℗ 2021 Karin Heimdahl

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NARRATOR

Please note that this episodes features strong language and references to abuse and self harm.

(INTRO MUSIC)

NARRATOR

Y2K Take 2. Bonus episode 2. Selected LiveJournal entries written by Katarina Fischer from 2000 to 2002.

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NARRATOR

February, 2000.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

I keep thinking about J. It is rare for me to be so attracted to someone. And yet a relationship between us would not be a good idea. He would try to dominate and I would alternate between stubbornly dominating back and sulkily surrendering. We’d have huge, unpleasant arguments and I’d end up witha crushed sense of self-worth. Not good. (sighs) He really is a lovely generous person but his ego is enormous.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

March, 2000.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

...and then he said something patronizing and condescending and I left rather than snapping. On the bus on the way home I thought about what kind of person he is. He is intelligent, generous, social and popular... But he’s also self-centered, and he has no social antennae. Doesn’t pay enough attention to other people to develop any. And it really bothers me that he keeps saying I’m so... bad. I don’t quite know what he is picking up on, but it’s not a response I’ve had before. (beat) I stand up to him. Maybe he’s not used to that. (thinks) And he puts down my taste in music and plays and everything. Proclaiming his taste superior in every way. He is so annoying!

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

July, 2000.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

(has cried for days and has no tears left) Oh fuck. I can’t... I can’t write about this. I mean, what would I say? It happened. It is over. The dream is in pieces, shattered all over the floor. Can I pick the pieces up and put them back together? (beat) I don’t know. Feel like I’ll never be whole again. (beat) J is... He tries. And I’m sure he mourns, too, in his way. But still. It’s like the grief is all mine, it was my body that failed, and I... I want to punish it. I want to punish my useless body and I don’t know how. Everyone keeps telling me to eat, and rest, and take care of myself... I don’t want to do any of that. I don’t *deserve* any of that. My body failed me, failed my (voice breaks) child, and I hate it.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

August, 2000.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

I always used to say if anyone ever uses physical violence against me, I am gone. Leaving. I cannot let anyone do that to me. Ever. I wanted to hold onto that, but... (long pause) Then it got all muddled. He’s promised never to do it again. And I hit him, too, a while back. Didn’t mean to, of course. But the fact remains. I did hit him. (beat) And he forgave me. So I owe it to him to forgive him too. (sigh) Working on that.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

November, 2000.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

(very tired and disconnected, slowly)

I thought

My thoughts

Were mine alone

Turns out

I thought

All wrong

(deep sigh)

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

January, 2001.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

(very, very sad) I want myself back. Whole. (beat) I feel broken. He hacked and carved in me to shape me to his liking and the blood is still seeping. It pools around my feet along with the unwanted parts of me that he chopped off. How am I supposed to put myself together again? (beat) So helpless. So mutilated.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

February, 2001.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

(like she’s about to throw something, or punch someone) Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why do I care that he’s found someone else? I hate him. (long pause, sighs, calmer) And that’s the explanation I suppose. I am not yet indifferent toward him. He still has power over me. Power he does not deserve. That I do not want to give him. Power that he took a year ago and hasn’t given back. (beat) He had no respect for me. Who and what I was did not matter. I was to be squeezed into his perfect girlfriend mold and be happy about it. (beat, more forceful) I feel like I should warn her. That I should have branded his forehead for all to see. With a scarlet letter A for Abuser... (lets out breath) But I don’t know how. She probably wouldn’t listen. (beat) Someone tried to pass on a warning from his ex, after all, and I didn’t listen. Hell, his ex tried to warn me herself, in a way, and I was completely oblivious. (beat) I want to save her but... I don’t know how.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

April, 2001.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

Kazakhstan is beautiful. The landscape... There are no words. Been here a month now and am slowly feeling like I am getting the hang of things. The first few weeks were a blur. Constant stream of new people and new challenges. (small snort) And so many hours on horseback. I just fell into bed every night. No time to think. Didn’t even dream, at least not that I remember. I think... It’s been good. Going far away. No chance of accidentally meeting J and his new girlfriend somewhere. Ugh. The ‘new girlfriend’ part still hurts. How could he move on so quickly? He said I was ‘the best girlfriend he’d ever had’. That what we had was special. (beat) I suppose this is a question that answers itself. It wasn’t special. (beat) *I* wasn’t special. I was replaceable. Easily replaceable. And that still hurts. A lot. But being here helps. And the work... I don’t know if I will ever get a chance like this again, but the work is (awed) exhilarating. I am giving it everything I have. And I hope that is enough so that I get to do it again. Because, this? It is everything I ever wanted.

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

April, 2002.

(Typing on 00s laptop, fades out after about two words)

KATARINA

(smiles) Been so long since I wrote anything here. Probably no-one reads it, anyway. (slight laugh) They might, if they connected it to my... work, I suppose. But I’ve made sure to erase all connections. (beat) I found out today that J’s latest girlfriend dumped him. (smiles) E told me, apparently she ran into them down the pub the other week. And E decided to call him out for his behavior toward me. I wish I could have been there! I am sure she was magnificent. (beat) The new girl overheard some of E:s rant and seems to have had second thoughts. I am so glad she got away, and I will just admit that I am (beat) happy he was hurt and humiliated. I may be mostly over him, but what he did to me... It was not OK. I am still not fully healed. Maybe I never will be. And while I hope he learns from this, and changes his behavior, I don’t think he will. Don’t think he can. So I will continue to quietly celebrate when I hear of another girl escaping his clutches. Another girl surviving. Maybe we should all form a secret society. The I-survived-J-club. (small laugh) This latest girl can be president. I admire her... (small sigh) Fantasy aside. Haven’t really made time for romance since J – work has been my boyfriend, I suppose – but I’ve been eyeing this steady-cam guy for a few weeks now. (smiles) Feels like he’s been eyeing me back. Excited to see where this goes...

(‘enter’ key sound)

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NARRATOR

Thank you for listening to this bonus episode of Y2K: Take 2. This episode was written, produced and directed by Karin Heimdahl. Our intro and outro music is created and recorded by Jake Haws, listen to his podcast "Making Music with Jake Haws" to hear more. This episode featured Janis Westin as Katarina and Emma Laslett as the narrator. For more information, please go to Y2Kpod.com or find us on social media @Y2Kpod

(OUTRO MUSIC)

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