Marni and Chris Gillis are back discussing the real-life dating lessons gleaned from this season of Bachelor in Paradise. They unpack why the ‘spark’ may be leading Tia to attract emotionally unavailable men, why Kendall should not be looking to Joe for consolation, and how sharing emotions turned Riley from bicep-guy to boyfriend material.

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to get a guy to pursue you 
• How to know when a guy won’t pursue you
• Who should say I love you first
• How to get a guy to express himself to you
• The key to successful dating

 

An Ex is an Ex for a Reason [1:19] 

Should your ex be the person that consoles you when you are in a new relationship? Should you stay friends? Marni and Chris adamantly say no. When you break up, even if you had an intimate relationship, you should let it be over. If you have kids together you will always have a connection, but keep it about the kids. 

In the show, Kendall runs to her ex, plays the victim to get Joe to console her. Marni felt like Joe was uncomfortable and Joe is over Kendall. Deep down some women think if they fall into the victim they can manipulate their ex into wanting them again. Marni says women manufacture conditions or circumstances in an attempt to rekindle a relationship with their ex. But, ladies, it doesn’t make you feel any better! 

Do not run back to your ex! You wouldn't want your new boyfriend to console his ex. Bottom line, your ex shouldn't be your best friend or your emotional confidant. Even if a guy is willing, don't do it.

 

Don’t Trust a Spark [11:36]

A spark is basically a chemical reaction when you meet someone. The physical spark doesn’t last. It doesn't matter how attractive a person is, things can still go sour. Don't base an entire relationship on hotness because eventually, it won’t keep a relationship together. 

In the show, Tia is a perfect example of how this backfires. She has a history of going for unavailable men. She is interested in two guys, both attractive. James is making an effort but she doesn't feel the spark. Then with Blake, she has big chemistry but he is kind of a douche. James is the better candidate for her but she may be too emotionally unavailable to see it.

It's hard for a relationship to work when one person is emotionally unavailable and the other isn't. Marni says, it is easy to blame things on other people but ask yourself if you are truly being open with the other person and creating the space for connection. Chris adds, when ladies open up and share, it adds a completely different dimension to them. 

Riley is a great example of how letting vulnerability shine through can transform how other people perceive you. When he opens up to Marissa he becomes much more than a muscle-bound menace. He just may be long-term boyfriend material.

When someone shows us they are not perfect it makes us feel that we don't have to be perfect either.  

 

The Key to Dating is to Not Take Things Personally [27:56]

In the show, Natasha has been dating unsuccessfully. But, when Ed asked her out she seemed open and honest during the date with him. If she had taken the unsuccessful dating attempts in the past personally she may have been guarded about letting herself be open to Ed.

If you meet someone who tells you everything you want to hear and then find out it was a front, don’t make it about yourself. Sure you might feel stupid for falling for them but it truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do about them.

The key to successful dating is not to take things personally.

Chris asks Marni how ladies can trust that being vulnerable is the best way to date when things don't work out with a guy they are attracted to. Marni says past traumas can cause us to be hypervigilant when dating. We collect evidence about why we need to put up walls to protect ourselves. 

If you are someone who is continually disappointed in dating Marni says: 

• Take the focus off what is wrong with the guys you pick.
• Ask yourself what pattern causes you to pick the wrong kind of guy.

True vulnerability is always attractive. 

 

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