• How do you keep things exciting amid a repetitive routine?
• How can adults be more playful (because playfulness is associated with happier relationships & hotter sex)?
• What simple changes can you implement to make your daily interactions more fun, passionate and erotic — even if you’re super busy?

You’re not a light switch, so you likely can’t get turned on in the blink of an eye. This week, to celebrate our wedding anniversary, we share 20+ specific strategies and action items you can use to make your relationship more romantic, intimate and erotic.

If you’re looking to add a new toy to your collection or for something that will buzz and vibrate bringing new and intense pleasure, check out our friends at Lovehoney, We-Vibe and Womanizer. Use code DRJESS15 at checkout to save!

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And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Episode 341 – Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couples

Intro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.

Dr. Jess: Hey, we’ve got a replay of one of my favorite topics, one of my favorite episodes on eroticizing daily interactions from April 2021, so you might hear some references to a totally different time. It’s a time warp.

Brandon: Welcome to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I am your co host, Brandon Ware, here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess. Hey, hey. How are you?

Dr. Jess: I’m feeling good. I’m feeling good. I’m interested in this conversation for the two of us as well.

We’re going to be talking about how to make your daily interactions more erotic and What are you laughing at?

Brandon: I’m immediately thinking about eating a banana.

Dr. Jess: Oh my gosh, because in my presentations I always talk about how [00:01:00] to eroticize daily interactions because you’re not a light switch. You can’t go from talking about your taxes and your work and your kids and whether or not your dog had a bowel movement on its last walk to just flipping the switch and being, oh, hi.

Hey. Tear my clothes off, right? And my joke is when I say To eroticize your daily interactions. I don’t mean make everything annoyingly erotic, right? I don’t want to be eating a banana and have Brandon look over and be like, Oh yeah, you eat that banana. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s really more about playfulness and flirtation and I don’t know, all these different ways to be erotic.

It doesn’t have to be super sexual or graphic. So we’re going to be getting into that. I mean, I guess before we do, I should ask you, Do you feel like our interactions are particularly erotic?

Brandon: I don’t think that I’m an erotic person. I feel very self conscious whenever I’m [00:02:00] trying to do something that I think is erotic, whether I’ve seen it on, you know, TV, movie, somewhere, I feel like a goof doing it.

So when I see people who are genuinely erotic and they just exude the sex appeal, I’m, I’m like, good on you because when I try that, I feel like I look like a goof. I don’t know. Or I sound like a girl. Hey,

Dr. Jess: yeah. No, but you are naturally charming. Like flirtation is sort of charming. You may not be overtly sexual about it.

Yes. I also wonder if you haven’t had to be because people like the way you look so much.

Brandon: Well, maybe. I don’t know. Perhaps. If that’s what I’ve got going for myself,

Dr. Jess: you’ve got uh.

Brandon: Uh, yeah, certainly not the words

Dr. Jess: that I say. I don’t think that’s entirely true, but I would say that we’ve been getting along really well.

I would agree. I feel like we, we laugh a lot and we’re playful. I mean, I’m super funny. Well, I keep you laughing all day because my jokes are better than [00:03:00] yours and then you just repeat my jokes louder. That’s the trick,

Brandon: everyone listening. Just say the joke louder.

Dr. Jess: And be a man. And be a white man. And then everyone thinks you’re hilarious.

Pretty much. Uh, and so, yeah, I think this will be an interesting conversation to go through and see what we do and don’t do, because I’ve made this list for us of 20 ways to keep the flame burning, to make your daily interactions more erotic, and not necessarily to lead to sex all the time. So the reason I feel all of these things lay the groundwork so that sex becomes possible.

Like it doesn’t make sex automatic, it just means that like I can easily get in the mood with you because I like you, because I laugh with you, because you laugh at my jokes really loudly.

Brandon: You are very, very funny. I think you’re always making me laugh. And speaking of laughing and fun, having fun, we should shout out Lovehoney. Go over to lovehoney.com. Be sure to pick something up that Tickles, vibrates, a little [00:04:00] lingerie, something to spice up your day and be sure to use code DRJESS15, DRJESS15 to save a few extra dollars. And please know that we really appreciate all of your support. So with that being said.

Dr. Jess: Let’s talk about Eroticism and how do we’ve eroticism throughout your day? because if you only act like roommates or business partners or co parents or friends all the time, it can be hard to kind of shift into that lover role. This is what I hear from a lot of people. I don’t know, do you, do you feel that way?

Brandon: I feel that way at times, where I, I just have a hard time shifting from I’m in work mode or I’m in whatever mode, and then all of a sudden it’s, we’re going upstairs. And I know that I should be in relaxation and sexy time mode. But I’m not always there. So yeah, I experience it a

Dr. Jess: bit. You’re just too busy playing on WhatsApp for cryptocurrency.

Oh man,

Brandon: don’t even start.

Dr. Jess: Well, it’s interesting that you start [00:05:00] there. So this wasn’t the first one on my list, but I think we can go to the role ritual strategy. So I’ve talked about this before. So picking a role ritual at the end of the day that shifts from your more public role to the more private or more sensual one that you play exclusively with your partner.

So something that maybe helps you to relax and enjoy yourself or be a better version of yourself. So maybe it’s playing a song like this song means we’re done with parenting or we’re done with work and we’re just Connecting with one another again. It doesn’t mean you have to have sex at all. Just we’re gonna be here and present It might be mixing a cocktail.

It might be changing your clothes. Oh nice. Yeah, not so much right now I find because we’re all wearing our like indoor clothes. We’re in Toronto. So in Toronto just to give some context up here in Canada first of all, we’re much farther behind on the vaccine versus the States and also We’re on a, what’s it called?

Stay at home order. Stay at home order, yeah. You can’t, you can’t leave the house [00:06:00] unless it’s to do one of. 77 things. It’s 30 actually.

Brandon: One of which is any other action.

Dr. Jess: So yeah, we’re not wearing different clothes, but it might also be just switching your phone off. Like definitely for me, once I put my phone down and I’m trying to do it earlier and earlier.

It’s a little signal that, hey, I’m, I’m not working. I’m not thinking about other things. I’m just focusing on winding down for the night. It could be writing in a journal. It could be that you close your blinds, right? Uh, it could be that you stretch or you read a few pages from a book, or maybe you change the lighting.

Uh, maybe you dance. And it can be different every night, like sometimes we dance, but some nights we don’t. Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

Brandon: I found that the role ritual really had a profound effect when we relocated for a few months to Jamaica. I noticed that at a certain point after dinner, I would put my phone into, um, sleep mode or into the nighttime mode.

And that it took a little while, but it certainly helped me shift away because it was like, well, I’m [00:07:00] not touching my phone anymore. So it means I can focus on anything else, which might’ve been having a drink, might’ve been reading a book or just relaxing and. Watching a show and it really that buffer between that and if you are going to have sex if that’s you know It just made it a lot easier if that’s your thing if that’s your

Dr. Jess: jam So we’ll go with that one as number one think about having a role ritual to kind of shift and then number two So that’s for night time has to do with the exact opposite So number two is about starting your day on the right foot So thinking of something small you can do for your partner that takes you 30 seconds or a minute to just kind of perform an act of kindness and it can help to reduce your anxiety and obviously make them feel important, which makes them more attracted to you.

So it might be that, you know, maybe you bring them a glass of water while they’re, you know, on a call or maybe it means you put their clothes out or clean their laptop screen or put a chocolate on their pillow or hide a note in their underwear drawer or warm up their socks on the heating vent. What are you

Brandon: laughing at?

I don’t even know. I’m just thinking about doing all of these things. It just seems [00:08:00] funny. Hide a note in your underwear drawer. Let’s play hide and seek.

Dr. Jess: No, like a nice note. No, no, I know. You used to do that in my suitcase when I’d go away. Yeah, when you went

Brandon: away. I would do that. I would write out 10 or 15 different notes and I would tuck them into different pieces of your clothing or parts of your suitcase in the hopes that you would find them.

Not when you got to the airport before you left.

Dr. Jess: Yeah, I really love, I loved that. So, okay, number one was the roll ritual. Number two is try and do something like tiny for them in the morning. I mean, you always make me my coffee. Yeah,

Brandon: uh, happy to make you a coffee. Does not take two minutes. I mean, damn, it takes me like 12 minutes

Dr. Jess: to make a coffee.

This morning

Brandon: you cheated. I did cheat. And it, yeah, I did. And we got a complaint. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, and I, I was just going to say, and we’re getting comments

Dr. Jess: on it, aren’t we? No, it wasn’t a complaint, I just said, hey, the coffee didn’t taste the coffee sucks. What’s up with it? But he didn’t, he didn’t use the proper espresso machine.

I’m sorry, like, how, how difficult am I? Sure

Brandon: you don’t want to keep talking about this or do you want to move on to the next point? So,

Dr. Jess: so high [00:09:00] maintenance. Okay, let’s move on to number three, and this one’s for you, Brennan, this is about taking a dump. . Okay, so you probably know what this is ’cause you’ve heard me talk about it before.

Brandon: I have. And it is not defecating.

Dr. Jess: No, no. It’s a complaint dump. So at the end of your day, or at some point during your day, can you just give yourselves two minutes or however many minutes you assign to it all out to get it all out so that you’re not complaining all throughout the day and all throughout the evening, and kind of shift the conversation away from.

Uh, a focus on kind of perceived negatives to create space for eroticism and playfulness and flirtation and I want, I want to be really clear this isn’t about be positive, love and light because there are definitely things to complain about and that’s okay but can you relegate them to a certain time or talk them out in a meaningful way rather than kind of allowing them to permeate throughout your day and into your night and into your bedroom.

Brandon: If you set a [00:10:00] timer and try to do this. This can be challenging. For me, I got a laundry list by the end of the day, man. It’s like, I’m gonna have to like speed talk through these next

Dr. Jess: two minutes. You’re not a big complainer though. Uh,

Brandon: no, not unless somebody wants to trash talk me about putting up the trash.

What?

Dr. Jess: Um. Oh, you mean the neighbors. Yeah, Brandon. Not you. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re talking about. You do complain about your, your neck injury a lot. Which

Brandon: has since turned into a wonderful acupuncture, uh, doctor who’s fantastic.

Dr. Jess: Yeah, so you are complaining less about that. I am, yes. What do I tend to complain about?

Obviously the cold.

Brandon: Definitely the cold.

Dr. Jess: Um. The good thing is I have full control over the weather. Maybe

Brandon: the the food that we are or are not eating depending what

Dr. Jess: we’re ordering. Oh, yeah, if I have a bad meal, you know

Brandon: Yeah,

Dr. Jess: we’re gonna hear about it. So yeah, definitely a complaint dump can be a way just to relegate Certain, you know, negative conversations and also important conversations to a [00:11:00] different time.

And it doesn’t have to be two minutes. It can be, uh, it could be a, you know, 15 minutes, however long you want. Yeah. Yeah. And, and it’s also about taking it outta the bedroom. Yeah. Okay. Next, uh, on my list I have text playfully. So rather than just texting to update your partner about. day or ask them to, you know, pick up milk on the way home to think about texting for fun, like to use that medium to kind of cultivate connection and curiosity.

So maybe you send them. Like playful messages or incomplete messages in the morning, like a line from a song and then you kind of create like a drip text campaign. Um, or you just send them an image that you think is funny. One thing that I love, babe, and even though we’re in the same house and it’s not like a big house, we’re not far away from each other.

So at 11 11, I don’t know if folks do this, you know you’re supposed to make a wish at 11 11.

Brandon: I know that because I make a wish every day at

Dr. Jess: 11. 11. I know, but you’re the one who told me, so I don’t know how widespread this phenomenon is. Oh, yeah, I don’t know. That was just something I always did. Yeah, the superstitious [00:12:00] thing.

So I wasn’t raised with it, but I love it. So whenever 11. 11 shows up, I make my wish in my head, and I always wish for the exact same thing. And what I find is that it’s this huge reset. Because it’s, you know, I’ll be stressing about one thing or another, or, you know, worried about one thing with work, but then there’s only actually one thing I wish for, and there’s only one thing that I’m really focused on, and so it’s a reminder that whatever I’m worrying about probably isn’t that big, but my point is, you send me a text at 11 11, sometimes just to remind me that it’s 11 11 with like a heart, and And I don’t know it feels good even though like today you sent it to me.

I was on a somebody else’s podcast so I was upstairs and you were downstairs and I just like seeing it pop up on my phone. Yeah, it’s nice to

Brandon: get the message right when you’re not expecting

Dr. Jess: it. Yeah, so texting like think about how you can text for playful reasons and not just practical ones. Another option is to Send kind of sexy photos and it doesn’t have to be of yourself.

It could be any erotic photo or video that you like. It could be an incomplete image. It could be like a gif.

Brandon: Like a sexy [00:13:00] turtle

Dr. Jess: or something. Yes, a sexy turtle. But yeah. So it could be of other people, not obviously stolen pictures. I mean, things that are in the public domain. Like a sexy turtle. No, not a sexy turtle.

Okay. Well, the next thing on my list you made fun of, so I don’t know if I want to bring it up. It’s to like leave them love notes or playful or sexy notes where you like hide it in their underwear drawer. Because it’s just so easy to get caught up in this day to day. You know routine of work and response personal responsibilities And so you do you start acting like roommates and so I had suggested that you know people right now Just write down five little one liners for their partner and hide them throughout the house where where they’ll find them Right at some point and it doesn’t have to be today It could be like in a week and so it could be an email it could be you could mail it to them even

Brandon: Oh, that’s a good idea.

And you know, I wasn’t making fun of it. I think I, again, was [00:14:00] self conscious because I’m not very, I’m not very effusive. I’m not very verbal, like my, here we go, already struggling for words, right? As

Dr. Jess: evidenced by

Brandon: the blank, uh, um, but no, I just, I think I was self conscious. I was self conscious, but when I sent, when I did do that, it met with.

Such success that I would recommend to anyone who has a partner that travels. Ten little notes. Hide them in a bag. Hide them in their suitcase. Because when they find them, it’s a nice, it lets them know that you were thinking about

Dr. Jess: them. Especially when you’re on the road. I have to say, anything, as much as I love being on the road, and would do anything to get back on the road, uh, it’s, It’s lonely and it’s unfamiliar and I actually like those things sort of, but there’s something about familiarity when you’re on the road.

It’s sort of like, you know, if, if I’m in a city and there’s someone from Toronto in that city and we figure out that we’re in the city, we would never get together in Toronto, but we’ll meet for a drink in this [00:15:00] other city because there’s, there’s something about familiarity. So. Seeing your handwriting in my bag.

I still have a lot of those notes. Oh, do you? Yeah, you know I’m not a pack rat. No, you, we like to throw stuff out. But I have a few of those notes that you wrote on little tiny pieces of graph paper. Oh, nice. Uh, and I think I’ve left you notes, like in bed. I

Brandon: have letters and cards that you gave me when we first got together.

I, I hang on to. What did they say? Pretty much that I’m awesome. So I thought, you know, it was important to keep them. For yourself? Yeah, just a little self confidence

Dr. Jess: boost. Okay, so love notes. Here’s, here’s the other thing. We’re gonna give you 20 options, and you don’t have to do them all. Like if you could just pick one or two that appeal to you, I think that’s a great place to start.

Our next one is a physical activity that I think is really useful right now while we’re working from home. And this is just resetting with two minutes of physical connection. Because again, life kind of gets out of control. We forget to take the time to [00:16:00] connect, whether it’s emotionally or physical, physically, and this is just a quick two minute activity that can help you to feel more in the moment, more present, more in your body, more connected.

And all you’re going to do is lie next to each other or even sit next to each other. And bring your foreheads together and take, I always say, 11 deep breaths. And it can feel really weird and distracting and uncomfortable at first, but as you kind of start to slip into that third, fourth, fifth breath, you tend to feel more relaxed, you tend to feel closer to one another.

And there’s this concept of interpersonal synchronization where your heart and your breath rates start to align and your pain levels start to subside and even your like skin conductance begins to sync up. So we’ve done this before. We did this for a video course that we have, right?

Brandon: Yeah, we did. And as you said, the first few breaths that you take do feel a little weird.

The physical sensation of having somebody else’s forehead pressed against yours is [00:17:00] not something that you experience very often. So it takes one or two breaths to kind of get accustomed to that. And then I felt a little silly at first, but then like four or five breaths in, I was like, yeah, this is kind of work.

This is working. And then by the end of it, you’re like, okay, I, I I felt more relaxed, definitely. Yeah. More connected.

Dr. Jess: Yeah. So, okay, moving on. So, last week on CBC, I was talking about a new study that found that playfulness is super important in relationships and we already have kind of a wealth of data suggesting that playfulness is connected to all these positive outcomes in terms of connection and attraction and sex and all of these good things.

So, I was thinking about What does that mean, right? And I looked at the research and there’s this massive range of definitions from playing around like kids, to joking, to bringing levity, to showing curiosity. And so I sort of divided it into different types of playfulness. So starting with physical playfulness.

And this is really important for folks who are really [00:18:00] kinesthetic, right? Uh, physical playfulness is kind of an obvious route. to being playful. So this might be as simple as wrestling, wrestling around a little, like maybe when you’re both reaching for the remote. That could be Adam’s thing. That’s right.

Loves some wrestling. Right, Adam from Moon Tower counseling. He was on the show a couple of weeks ago. Brilliant, brilliant, funny guy. So yeah, it could be just like physically being playful. It could be dancing. It could be a pat on the butt. It could be kind of a squeeze that’s playful or teasing or. even mischievous as you kind of walk by them on your way to the kitchen or a brush on the thigh or just kind of a, you know, a little peck on the cheek while they’re on the phone.

You do that sometimes. You come by while I’m on a call if I don’t have the video on and I’ll feel you kiss like the back of my neck quietly. And I think this is so important because we aren’t as physically affectionate as I think a lot of us would like to be.

Brandon: Yeah, I would agree. I mean, I’m not Uh, particularly, uh, [00:19:00] physically, uh, affectionate.

I, I like it. Like, I enjoy when you touch my shoulder, touch my hand, but I’ve noticed that I’m just, I don’t naturally gravitate and do that. I don’t reciprocate as well. So Do you

Dr. Jess: know what’s funny? What’s that? In your sleep. You’re always trying to get close to me. I know, I do. Like, even when you’re fast asleep, because you’re a heavy sleeper, if I roll to the other side of the bed, you inevitably follow me.

Sometimes I test it, because I’m always rolling. You know me, I’m always rolling around. I’m never It’s like

Brandon: sleeping with a starfish

Dr. Jess: over here, man. I’m never, I swear I’m never sleeping. It’s

Brandon: like sleeping with a hurricane. It could be a hurricane. It’s

Dr. Jess: like all over the bed. But the more relaxed you are, I notice the more affectionate you are, and I wonder if that’s more of your natural state, and if you hold back or something when you’re awake?

Yeah, I don’t

Brandon: know. I’ll have to ask my sleeping self.

Dr. Jess: So that’s, that’s one piece of it. And then the next one is to also be verbally playful. So that’s just simply joking around, you know, maybe being goofy, maybe messing with puns or sexual innuendo, um, [00:20:00] laughing at yourself. And it can also be kind of inside jokes.

So Brendan and I watch Brooklyn Nine Nine and everybody kind of has, you know, their show they watch. And I find that it always comes up in conversation as a joke. Oh my God. Look out

Brandon: the window right now. It’s a yellow crested warbler.

Dr. Jess: That’s the line you went for. You want a piggy?

Brandon: Well, the other day, I think our neighbors think we’re bananas.

Because you can see into our house from all angles. And I’m pretty sure you rode me like a donkey the other day. No, it was a pony. It was a pony, yeah. And it was not sexual at all. No, not at all. You were like, can I ride you? I’m like, no. Sure. Okay. And I was thinking after, I’m like, if people look in, they definitely think this is a sex game.

Dr. Jess: Well, only because you tried to buck me off.

Brandon: That was after, because I mean, eventually my knees

Dr. Jess: started to hurt. You barely even moved around. As soon as I got on you, you started to buck me off. So what did you want

Brandon: me to do? Run up and down the stairs with you on my

Dr. Jess: back? No, I just wanted you to crawl around the second floor.

Anyway. Maybe don’t [00:21:00] be like us. And then the other pieces Like another way to be playful is to simply make things into games. Like I noticed sometimes, you know, We threw

Brandon: a Frisbee in our living room the other day. And if you know our house, we have this chandelier that hangs. You’ve got crystal glasses, this piece of furniture.

And I’m like, I. We should not be doing this, but we continued. No, we didn’t

Dr. Jess: break a thing. We didn’t break anything that day. So yeah, playing games can, can be fun. Like, you know, the other thing is, I was outside with my friend the other day, just outside on the porch where we’re allowed to be. And you came out and you were trying to do this thing where you, I guess, squatted down on one leg.

Yeah, it’s a

Brandon: one legged squat, you know. It’s a pistol squat where you go all the way down to the

Dr. Jess: bottom. And then I wanted to do it too. So, and it became a competition. And we both hurt ourselves. Not me, I’m fine man, I’m young. Okay. I’m a young buck. You’re

Brandon: real young, you fell down.

Dr. Jess: That was not about age.

This is playful. Another option is to have, uh, for playfulness is just to have a routine that feels [00:22:00] fun. So another thing we’ve been doing lately, pulling a lot from our lives actually, for once we’ve been following. My own advice. Um, we do the spelling bee in the New York Times where you try and find the pangram and you try and make as many words possible and if I don’t get to genius level I start to lose my mind.

It’d be like 11

Brandon: o’clock at night. We cannot let the day finish without getting genius level. It’s like, I’m going

Dr. Jess: to bed. Sometimes we do the crossword together. So if there’s any sort of playfulness. We

Brandon: do not do the crossword. Brandon stands in and gives like five answers to a puzzle with a hundred clues.

But, uh, seriously, it’s kind of weird. I’m like, can I look at it? No, no, I gotta, I’m like, I’m just gonna let you do it.

Dr. Jess: I’m on a timer. I’m also a beginning of the week crossword. I love those because they’re a lot easier. They get harder as the

Brandon: week goes on. I do the Sesame Street crosswords.

Dr. Jess: Big Bird. Big Bird Oscar.

No, I actually really like when you do it with me because I find that a lot of the ones I can’t answer, you’re good at answering.

Brandon: I thought you were going to say, I like it when you do it [00:23:00] with me. I feel better about myself. No.

Dr. Jess: I feel smarter. Okay, it’s not true. You absolutely contribute to the crossword.

I just don’t let you hold the iPad. Thanks for the shout out. Okay, number 10. We’re moving on. I might have the numbers wrong. This is at least number 10. I think it’s 11. It’s simply about, uh, being more flirtatious. Uh, definitely, you know, thinking about just smiling when they walk in the room. Um, I often talk about greeting your partner like a dog, making a point of stopping what you’re doing, walking over to them, paying attention, wagging your tail.

That’s

Brandon: why I keep treats in my pocket. It’s

Dr. Jess: a little bumbelini. Hey! I would like

Brandon: a little bambalini. You probably would like me better if I had bambalinis in my pod.

Dr. Jess: I would. I would. So yeah, just um, that’s something I’ve been trying to do and I’m not always successful at it, but when you walk in the room, actually paying attention to you.

Another really important piece, I better start moving on these, is to look for opportunities to actually spend time apart. So if you want eroticism, oftentimes there needs to be some sort of [00:24:00] distance and mystery. And I think with folks who are working from home, we have to be even more mindful. of this than we ever were before, so that may be as simple as going for walks separately, which you do oftentimes.

Brandon: Yeah, I do. I enjoy my walks alone. It gives me a chance to also reset and just listen to some music, go for a 15, 20 minute, 30 minute walk, and it helps. I like spending that time on my own.

Dr. Jess: And I like that you’re gone. Yeah, I’m sure that you do. Definitely another one that I love. This is number 12 or 13 or 14.

We don’t know. It’s to stare at their best assets. So I always like to remind people that it’s okay to objectify your partner within the context of a loving, respectful relationship. You can honor them and respect them and love their butt. You can, you know, really respect their, I don’t know, intellect and sense of humor, and you can lust after them because love and animalistic lust don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

So [00:25:00] I, I, you know, for example, if your partner walks through the door, rather than asking about their day, Or just talking about your schedules. Stare at their best assets. Like, take a moment to soak in the sex appeal that first attracted you to them. Right? So stop what you’re doing. Focus on what you see in the moment.

And really look at your partner. Pick a body part you love. Focus on it like an animal in heat. Like I always say, look at them like a piece of meat. Or tofu. For the vegetarians. Whatever works for you. And really forget about all their annoying habits. And objectify them. Number 13, and I won’t, I won’t, um, belabor this point because we did a whole episode on it, and that’s on minimizing technofarence.

So create one space in your home that is tech free and pick one time every week or every day that is also tech free. This is a really big deal, and we spent a good amount of time a couple months ago exploring this one so you can go back and listen. Number 14 is to block quality time. So choose a block of time whether it’s [00:26:00] lunchtime during the day or an hour in the afternoon and during that quality time you are going to ban conversations that relate to the dark triad of topics.

So you’re not going to talk about work, kids, COVID. And if you don’t have kids, it’s like family or friends that you complain about. So instead, you’re going to have questions that you can pull up. I have a ton on our website, on previous podcasts, meaningful questions that kind of allow you to escape from reality even just for a few minutes.

So for example, if you could grab a drink with anyone from any period in history, whom would you choose and why? Who would you choose? Like any time in history?

Brandon: I, I would want to chat with, uh, Obama. I feel like he’d Which Obama? But I’d want him to talk openly and honestly. Like, I feel

Dr. Jess: like That’s a whole other conversation.

Brandon: Yeah. But that would be really interesting. For sure. And I’m sure there are a bunch of others that I could, I could come up with too. For [00:27:00] sure.

Dr. Jess: Yeah, I’d love to talk to him. I’d love to talk to her as well. Yeah. Uh, alright. Number 15. It involves giving compliments. So, and I want to talk about compliments for a moment.

So, a compliment is something that, you know, makes somebody feel good. So, and I often talk about this on social media, probably not often enough, that the intention of the compliment does not make it a compliment. It’s the outcome that makes it a compliment. Because sometimes people will say things to me that I, that don’t feel good for me, right?

Like, really, kind of sexual stuff. from strangers and they’ll say, Oh, I meant it as a compliment. And I remind them that a compliment is about the person who receives it, right? So you saying, like, nice tits to me as some stranger after I’ve just written what I think is a very thoughtful caption on an Instagram post is not a compliment to me.

It actually feels objectifying and degrading. So, yeah, and I want to talk about the levels of compliments. This is actually, this is for you, Brandon. Okay, let’s do it. No, [00:28:00] it’s for everyone. So, three levels. Pleasantry, admiration, and lustful or animalistic. So, pleasantry compliments, compliments of pleasantry are just, you know, things that you, you know, you could say to your child, a parent, you could say to a parent.

Nice shoes. Yeah, you’re so sweet, or you’re very smart, or. You know, you look handsome. Um, I guess that could also fall into the second category of admiration. So what do I really like about you? And can I get really specific? Like, I love your kneecaps in those jeans. I thought

Brandon: you were going to comment on how funny I am.

Dr. Jess: Anyhow, and then the third level of lustful or animalistic compliments is when we get really specific. Like, when you wear those jeans, I can’t keep my eyes off your ass. Or, you know, when you bend over like that, it makes me Think about just how hot you are. So think about, what, what are you laughing at? I thought you were going

Brandon: to say something.

I was like, when you bend over like that, it makes me think you need [00:29:00] new underwear.

Dr. Jess: Hang on, you did sit in chocolate the other day. Yep, I did. Right in the middle of your jeans, like the seam down the middle. And what was

Brandon: most interesting about this fact is that I did not clean it up for

Dr. Jess: three days. I know, and then the next day I see you in the same jeans where it looks like you pooped yourself.

Brandon: It’s funny to me, okay? It’s funny, I’m like, whatever.

Dr. Jess: This is what life has come to. Yep. But compliments really go a long way and we have research on the fact that compliments give a boost in confidence and mood to both the giver and receiver. So I think we can be a bit more specific and a bit more purposeful with our compliments.

Next is really about touching your partner when you’re not in the mood. And this is a big one. So one of the most. Meaningful times to be affectionate is when you’re actually not in the mood. So I’m not suggesting that you do anything against your will, but if you are feeling frustrated or angry or exhausted or even resentful or stressed, if you can just reach out and touch one another, [00:30:00] you’ll probably find that reconnecting just physically does something for the emotional connection as well.

And all of those kind of negative feelings that interfere with eroticism tend to subside. as your bodies respond to one another’s touch.

Brandon: I feel this way. I feel, again, just more connected when you reach out and touch my hand, touch my shoulders. So, yeah, I

Dr. Jess: would agree it works. Actually, sometimes during the podcast we do hold hands, eh?

Yeah. Next we have, play music in your bedroom because music, uh, Well, first of all, we know that people who listen to loud music apparently have more sex and music can shift your mood, it can kind of boost your confidence, it can help you to relax, and all of these things actually heighten the erotic connection.

So kind of thinking about what kind of music you want to hear. Do you want to feel powerful and then you want to listen to heavy bass apparently. If you want to feel like kind of loving and playful, they say to pick songs from your early days. of dating, if you [00:31:00] need to de stress or de compress, they say a more kind of mellow melody is good for you.

And if, if you’re familiar with the concept of core erotic feeling, which I’ve spoken about on the podcast before, and I’m going to do a whole new podcast on it because it needs an update, uh, but your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you require in order to get in the mood for sex. Think about what kind of music makes you feel.

That feeling. And you can play it in the bedroom or you can play it in the kitchen as you’re cleaning up. And then I have a game for the next one from, from my book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Swordplay. Not swordplay. The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.

Brandon: I do like swordplay though, that’s a

Dr. Jess: nice, that’d be a great book.

I’m gonna opt right out of the swordplay, thank you very much. This one is called Netflix and Strip. And the book is co authored by Marla Renee Stewart, and I can’t actually remember whether she came up with this or me, so I want to make sure she gets credit too. But, you know, we Netflix and chill, but Netflix and strip is a little bit different.

You agree to [00:32:00] remove a piece of your partner’s clothing, or yours, whenever you hear a specific word when you’re watching television. And you can agree on a word together, Or you can kind of secretly have a word and they have to have figure out what that word is so I can have my own word and then you have to like kind of figure out what it is as it goes as it goes along.

That’s

Brandon: cool. That’s some fun while you’re watching Netflix.

Dr. Jess: I like that. And then another really important one, I’m pretty sure we went over 20, is using the 99 rule. And again, if you follow my work, I’ve mentioned this one before, but it’s so important to just ease tension. And it’s not that this is going to lead to sex, but it lays the groundwork so that sex becomes more possible.

So the 99 rule is simply. Thinking about whether issues or arguments or points of contention or stress will matter to you when you’re 99 years old. So if you’re fighting about something, if you’re feeling frustrated over a disagreement, uh, if you’re, you know, even stressed about work, [00:33:00] does this matter to me?

Is this something I’m even going to remember when I’m 99 years old? And I also think about that three pronged approach of does this affect my livelihood, like my security? Am I going to lose my house and end up on the street? Does it affect my health? and does it affect the love in my life? And if it doesn’t affect those, yeah, why would I want to let it adversely affect my health via unnecessary stress?

I’m glad

Brandon: that you brought up over thinking about the 99 rule during work because I do think about it during work. Especially when I’m getting really worked up or if something’s bothering me. When I remember That 99 rule, I’m like, yeah, this doesn’t really matter. It’s not that I’m not going to deal with it.

It’s not that I’m not going to fix the problem or whatever the issue is, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth me losing sleep or being upset, bringing that home to my partner or like to you. And, uh, yeah, I find it really, really helpful.

Dr. Jess: Yeah. And then last but not least, and I think this one’s so important is to set a little, little time aside.

[00:34:00] to daydream together once a week, to think about, you know, what you’re going to do when you retire or what you’re going to do when the travel restrictions have been lifted or what you, I don’t know, your dream vacation or what you would do if you won the lottery. Just kind of these hypotheticals that give you a sense of escapism.

Because when we think about eroticism, so it’s definitely about intimacy and connection and the physical. Uh, and it’s also about The playful and the curious and all of these things come together. So I don’t think, you know, daydreaming means that we’re going to hop in the sack immediately. Now, if we were to talk about fantasies, right, because I’ve kept these kind of non sexual, right?

Because not everybody wants to be sexual all the time. If we were to talk about fantasies. There’s a good chance it’ll lead to the bathroom. Definitely, I would agree. So if you’re in the mood for that, you could also talk about your, your sex dreams or anything you’ve seen that’s turned you on. But this escape from reality is really helpful, especially when you’re feeling stressed out, right?

Like, I remember when we were young. [00:35:00] Long, long time ago. We weren’t that old. No, but I remember like 20, right when we met, we would talk about what we would do if we won the lottery. Do you remember? Yeah. Yeah. And we would go deep down the rabbit hole as though it was real. I’d be like, no, no, no. But we can’t do that.

And then you’d almost forget that you weren’t having a real conversation. I

Brandon: remember being young and buying a ticket and I don’t even want to check the numbers. I just want to keep daydreaming. Like, it’s more fun to buy the ticket and daydream than it was to check the ticket because you knew you were going to be disappointed.

Right.

Dr. Jess: Right? So, yeah. So, as I kind of walk through these 20 ways to make daily interactions more erotic, obviously what I’m reminded of is that it’s way too much, right? You’re not going to do all of these things all of the time, but what you’re doing is you’re laying down so that you can make sex possible.

I

Brandon: also think if you push through and commit to them, like if you choose one or two or three, and you don’t expect fireworks the first day that you do them, but [00:36:00] you know that over the course of a week, you know, three, five, ten, twenty days, it’ll contribute and, you know, then, I also notice when you do these things for me, I want to reciprocate and I want to do them back for you.

So it builds this wonderful snowball effect where, you know, I’m happy to make you coffee because I know you’re going to, uh, you know, make me lunch or you’re going to, and I don’t expect it, but this wonderful back and forth of trying to do nice things for each

Dr. Jess: other. Out nice each other. Yeah, I guess it brings me to the question that I will inevitably receive because you’re saying, Oh, when I do something, you want to reciprocate.

What do you do when you have a partner who just takes and takes? Because there are people who are more givers. There are more people who are more matchers, and there are people who are more matchers. Yeah. And I don’t know if folks have read Adam Grant’s Give and Take, and it’s more focused on business, but obviously there’s a relational element in all areas of our lives.

So what do you do if you are doing these things and your partner isn’t

Brandon: [00:37:00] reciprocating? Take pleasure in the ability to do it. Know that one day if you couldn’t do it, you would be happy to do it. And I don’t think this means that you should take pleasure in doing every single thing for that person and, you know what I mean, and not expect anything at all in return.

But I always reminded myself that, you know, one day these things that I regard as chores or things that I wouldn’t necessarily want to do. I will long to do them.

Dr. Jess: You mean like if you couldn’t? If I couldn’t. You mean when I start traveling again?

Brandon: There will be days when you travel again where I’m like, geez, you know, I miss making you a coffee in the morning.

Dr. Jess: I think the other thing is if your partner isn’t, first of all, you’re not doing this for them to reciprocate, but if just this is more of a pattern in your relationship in which you are giving a lot and they’re taking and maybe not showing appreciation or not as open to doing things for you. I think, I think it’s an important conversation to have to let them know, you know, it would feel good.

I would feel really good if you could try this or when you do [00:38:00] this, it makes me feel really loved right back to that, you know, starting with the positive, trying to understand through an inquiry and then making your requests. So, um, I, again, I think so many of us say things like you never text me or you never call me instead of, Hey, you know, anytime I get a text from you, it just.

I’d love to see your name on my screen. I’m, I’m really of the belief that it’s okay to just say what you like, to say what you want and, but don’t be, you can’t, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t say, oh, I want them to just know, right? That’s something I hear. They’re like, well, if I have to ask them, it doesn’t feel as good.

And I hear you, but sometimes people have no clue what you enjoy and what makes you feel loved and what makes you feel valued. And this notion that they have to read your mind. is inevitably going to lead to letdown. So definitely speak up. It

Brandon: reminds me of the, uh, the soulmate thing. Right? Where it’s like, well, if my soulmate, they should, everything should be easy and nothing.

And it’s like, well, but if you don’t have a conversation, they may just never know.

Dr. Jess: Right. And compatibility [00:39:00] isn’t about sameness. Yeah. Right? We are very, very different. Very different. So if I were to do for you the things that I want, You may not even like them. Yeah, and that’s why no one’s inherently a great partner or inherently a great lover Like we have to just keep communicating.

So we’ll leave it at that Hopefully you find one or two things from our list of I don’t know. I think it was 22 I’m gonna have to go count them and You can try something new or just probably something you’ve already done and you just needed the reminder like even as I go through this List, it’s a really good reminder to myself that I don’t have to do it all But there are some things where I could step it up a little so Thanks, babe, for chatting with me today.

Brandon: Thank you. And I want to take this opportunity to tell everyone to head over to lovehoney. com. Pick up something that vibrates, massages, sucks or blows in a great way, of course, or some lingerie to spice up your evening. Hey, listen, your morning, your afternoon, whatever works for you. Anytime is a good time and be sure to use the code.

DRJESS15, Dr. Jess [00:40:00] one five to save a few extra dollars. And please know that we really appreciate your support.

Dr. Jess: Folks, wherever you’re at

Outro: You’re listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life, improve your life.