NARRATOR: “Welcome back to Reign of Terror 2019! 31 straight days of horror movie reviews and interviews. Today’s episode will feature One Movie Spawn, aka Eileen Dobzynski, from One Movie Punch, who will be reviewing the cult horror classic, ‘The Monster Squad’.”

NARRATOR: “However, before the review, instead of a promo for One Movie Punch, we’ll be running a promo for the Two Views Movies podcast, hosted by Garrett Wright, an occasional contributor here at One Movie Punch, and his co-host, Carson Graff. A promo will run before the review. 

NARRATOR: “But now, let’s turn our attention to the fate of our host Joseph, in Part Two of “FOUR MORE STOPS”!” 

SCENE: Another haunted house.

NARRATOR: “We return to the story with our rightful narrator, after ditching the imposter from last episode. Ha ha!  Unfortunately, this left Joseph alone within a haunted house, full of classic movie monsters. And suddenly, he felt everything shift.”

JOSEPH: “That can’t be good!”

NARRATOR: “It certainly wasn’t good. The horror monsters, having finished their backward movement, were suddenly free to act, and to growl, and unfortunately for Joseph’s sake, to hunt.” 

JOSEPH: “Time to get out of here! Wish I could just disappear like Shane!”

NARRATOR: “But he couldn’t, and therefore, he had to run.”

NARRATOR: “He hadn’t bothered to run up the stairs, but he did begin running in the opposite direction of the party. Crashing doors and animal sounds erupted from behind him, as the swiftest predators headed towards him first.”

JOSEPH: “I... hate... running...”

NARRATOR: “He ran through dining rooms, observatories, bedrooms, sitting rooms, billiard rooms, conservatories, and the rest of the rooms you will find in a standard game of Clue. Some sounds began to fade, but others... others were getting closer.

JOSEPH: “Not the Wolfman...”

NARRATOR: “He finally made it into a kitchen, surprisingly far away from the party room, and tried the door. Of course, it was locked.” 

JOSEPH: “Damn it.”

NARRATOR: “The wolf noises had lessened in intensity, but were gaining in volume, until the form of a werewolf appeared, with ripped clothes, thick, luscious hair rippling down his body, as saliva dropped from his jaws, where a low, hungry growl began.” 

JOSEPH: “Oh no. This is it.” 

NARRATOR: “Or he thought it was. When the door opened behind him.” 

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Step aside, Dad.” 

JOSEPH: “One Movie Spawn?” 

NARRATOR: “There was his daughter, wearing a full body worksuit, strapped with monster fighting weapons on all kinds. Ancient weapons like silver daggers, garlic, and crucifixes, along with more modern weapons, like a holy water supersoaker.” 

JOSEPH: “Don’t you hurt her!”

NARRATOR: “He screamed at the werewolf, who growled back at him, but they both stopped when they heard Eileen laughing.”

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Hurt me? ME?! I got this.”

JOSEPH: “One Movie Spawn, no..." 

NARRATOR: “The werewolf stared at One Movie Spawn in disbelief, as she calmly walked up to the werewolf, drew back her foot, and planted one steel-toed workboot directly into the werewolf’s groin, causing him to double over in pain, whimpering like a mere dog.”

JOSEPH: “How did you...”

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Like you taught me all those years ago. Wolfman’s got gnards.” NARRATOR: “He looked down with pride at his daughter. He had taught her the deep magic as he had been there when it was written. Err, viewed. Whatever.”

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Come on. I have a bus waiting outside that can take you to safety.”

JOSEPH: “What about you?” 

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “What? You think I can’t handle myself?”

NARRATOR: “Joseph could tell from her eyes that he had been asked a very dangerous question. One he didn’t want to answer.” 

JOSEPH: “Lead the way!”

NARRATOR: “They ran from the house, to a school bus that was started up and waiting for them, beginning to pull away.” 

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Go! I’ll fend them off!”

JOSEPH: “But...”

ONE MOVIE SPAWN: “Will you hurry up? I don’t got time for this and neither do you. More help is on the way.” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph ran once again, picking up the pace as the bus began to accelerate faster and faster. He grabbed the door just in time to be lifted onto the bus and placed into a seat.”

NARRATOR: “Looking back, he saw his daughter, facing down thirty or so classic movie monsters, in a flurry of activity. A stake through the heart there, a silver dagger to the heart there, and a Molotov holy water cocktail there. Every move was precise and true, and... was Joseph crying?”

JOSEPH: “Happens whenever I watch her fight. She’ll be fine.”

NARRATOR: “And she would. But would Joseph, who hadn’t even bothered to look at the people on the bus? Find out in two days, in Part Three of “FOUR MORE STOPS”. And be sure to tune in tomorrow for a pre-recorded review from Joseph of 2016’s “Blood on the Reel”, with special interview clips from writer/director Johnny Daggers. 

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<< TWO VIEWS MOVIES PROMO >>

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Today’s movie is “The Monster Squad”, directed by Fred Dekker and written for the screen in collaboration with Shane Black. In 1987, Count Dracula returns to the world seeking a magical amulet that has, for some reason, been hidden near Baton Rouge, Louisiana. As he gathers the other classic movie monsters together, an unlikely group of children come together to stop them, forming... THE MONSTER SQUAD!

No spoilers! 

My parents love a lot of movies from the 1980s. Some of those films are pretty good. I have enjoyed watching “Ghostbusters”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, and I guess “Die Hard” too.

JOSEPH: “You better.”

Some of these films aren’t so great. And just between you and me, I think they use me as an excuse to see if their memories of these films holds up. Like in the case of today’s film – “the Monster Squad”.

“The Monster Squad” is almost like a rough draft of a B-Grade “Stranger Things”, which I really love the show and all, but there are too many places this film falls short for me. The film embodies a lot of the classic 1980s film feel that you find in “The Goonies”, which was released two years prior, and all the other light-hearted but secret plot twist child ensemble adventure pictures that followed. It even has a cheesy ending that almost make my dad cry because he grew up with it, but makes me roll my eyes. Like, I get it, but COME ON. 2000s cinema is better 9 times out of 10. 

Part of that classic 1980s film feel always includes some awkward story choices looking back at that decade of films. The children who make up the Monster Squad are endearing enough as characters, but their dialogue and actions often get in the way of good character design and development. The film has a lot of bullying, gay bashing, and fat shaming, which might make this time period appropriate, but that humor doesn’t hold up today. One of the main character’s older sister gets oversexualized throughout the course of the film, which added nothing to the plot but a bunch of bad jokes. Man, no wonder my parents are messed up, they grew up with this crap!

For all its problems, though, there are some really great parts. Dracula’s overall character design is corny, but I really liked all the other monsters. And thematically, there are some really strong parts. The surprisingly humanizing story arc of Frankenstein’s Monster is hard not to appreciate, unless you are absolutely dead inside. And the neighbor who survived the Holocaust was tastefully blended into the film, making a very important point about what makes someone or something a monster.

“The Monster Squad” is a fun childhood adventure movie featuring classic horror monsters. While the film has some very dated dialogue and themes, it also has some very strong assets. Even though there have been two failed attempts to remake the film, it still remains a strong remake candidate. Come on Netflix, we’re waiting. Fans of 1980s adventure films, or classic movie monsters, should definitely check out this film.

Rotten Tomatoes: 67%

Metacritic: 61

One Movie Punch: 7.2/10 

“The Monster Squad” (1987) is rated PG-13 and is currently streaming on Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Epix. 

Now, time to save Dad.

Again.