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- The Brian Lehrer Show
- Publisher |
- WNYC Studios
- Media Type |
- audio
- Publication Date |
- Aug 17, 2023
- Episode Duration |
- 00:45:37
In the second installment of a summer advice series, Jenée Desmond-Harris, writer and host of Slate's Dear Prudence podcast and column, and Brian offer advice to listeners struggling with a dilemma on whether to meddle in their family members' relationships, and callers weigh in with their opinions. Plus, the writer of last week's dilemma calls in to share what advice he took.
First letter:
My husband and I are worried about our daughter's relationship. She is 18 years old and in a relationship with another 18 year old girl. They have been together for over a year now but most of the second half of their relationship was a lot of fighting and crying and distress. Our daughter also suffers from depression and anxiety. She is a college student in a very demanding college away from home in another state but her girlfriend is not in college and at home in NYC and not working. Her girlfriend is also suffering from mental health issues. Initially, both my husband and I were very supportive of the relationship but now we feel that it is harmful to our daughter. Recently our daughter had a nervous breakdown which resulted in them almost breaking up but then they decided to restart with new ground rules and better communication strategies.My daughter assures me that she is setting better boundaries now. Also, my daughter is in therapy and this is one of her topics and goals she is working on with the therapist. We have now told our daughter that we don't want her girlfriend to come over to our house. My dilemma is that obviously we cannot prevent our daughter from seeing her girlfriend but feel very strongly that she is making a mistake and that this will not help her get better in terms of her depression. Finally, we closed the door and insisted that her girlfriend should not come to our house, which may or may not have been a mistake on our end. On the one hand it signals that we don't believe in the relationship to be a healthy one but it also closes a door for future reconnections. We don't want to lose our daughter and we want her to be well. It is very hard to watch her being hurt.
Second letter:
Dear Prudence: A few months after my mom left my dad in February 2020, I became suspicious of her relationship with her ‘best friend’. I did some light snooping on her phone and found concrete evidence that they were in a relationship. After struggling with this information for a few more months, I confronted my mom and she told me her plan was to keep their relationship secret for the foreseeable future, and to please keep my mouth shut. It's been about two years since then and I’ve had a few conversations with my mom where she's indicated an interest in telling her sister and parents, as well as my younger siblings, but her partner is very anxious about the whole situation and refuses to entertain the idea. My mom has said by the time my sister graduates high school next year she will have to figure out a solution with her partner, but I don’t believe she will. She is extremely conflict avoidant, has told me other things she planned to change about her relationship that never came to fruition, and it is all very reminiscent of my parents divorce, where she bottled up her concerns for years and then abruptly left my dad. I have been quite frustrated at having to keep this secret, especially from my siblings who I feel deserve to know, and I routinely entertain plans to blow her cover. I am feeling more and more confident in deciding to hold my mom to her statement that she will find a solution by the time my sister graduates in the spring, like if she doesn’t tell everyone by then I will, but I’m not sure if this is the right call. Should I do something even sooner? Every day I wait, I hear suspicions from more and more people about the nature of their relationship, including my dad and sister who seem to have bonded over speculating. On the other hand, I’ve kept the secret for this long. Am I really helping anything by forcing her hand? What should I do?
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