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176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond
Publisher |
Jen Lumanlan
Media Type |
audio
Categories Via RSS |
Football
Health & Fitness
Kids & Family
Sports
Publication Date |
Jan 30, 2023
Episode Duration |
01:01:42
Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?
   
I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.
   
We discuss, among other things:
  • The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
  • What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
  • How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children
  AJ's book: Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? (Affiliate link)    

Parenting Beyond Power

  The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:
 
     
Taming Your Triggers 
As you're listening to this episode you may well hear the connections between the things you feel ashamed of and your triggered responses to your child's behavior. That's not a coincidence! When we were little we used to advocate for our needs as well (which is what our child is doing), and we were shamed by our parents or caregivers for doing it. And now when our child does that same thing, all those old shame reactions - which had seemed like they were under control! - come raging right back up to the surface.
 
Want to go beyond keeping a lid on your triggers to actually healing, and learning new tools to parent in line with your values even in the difficult moments? Taming Your Triggers will help! Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen.
Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from? I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley. We discuss, among other things: The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children AJ's book: Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? (Affiliate link)
Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?
   
I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.
   
We discuss, among other things:
  • The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
  • What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
  • How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children
  AJ's book: Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? (Affiliate link)    

Parenting Beyond Power

  The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:
 
     
Taming Your Triggers 
As you're listening to this episode you may well hear the connections between the things you feel ashamed of and your triggered responses to your child's behavior. That's not a coincidence! When we were little we used to advocate for our needs as well (which is what our child is doing), and we were shamed by our parents or caregivers for doing it. And now when our child does that same thing, all those old shame reactions - which had seemed like they were under control! - come raging right back up to the surface.
 
Want to go beyond keeping a lid on your triggers to actually healing, and learning new tools to parent in line with your values even in the difficult moments? Taming Your Triggers will help! Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen.
 
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  Jump to highlights (02:05) How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is (05:12) What is shame? (07:15) Different versions of shame for different people (08:10) Shame is like an alarm system (10:39) The breaking of the interpersonal bridge (15:48) What does good repair look like (18:45) The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger (25:41) The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time (26:58) Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival (31:09) Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame? (34:18) The concept of healthy shame (37:19) The 123 Punch of Shame (47:03) How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values   References Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11.
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Parsons, E.M. (2020). The development and evaluation of a brief shame resilience intervention: Proof of concept in Social Anxiety Disorder. Unpublished doctoral thesis, Miami University. Retrieved from: https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=miami1595594451509091&disposition=inline
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O’Halloran, K. (2015). Theory, politics, and community: Ethical dilemmas in Sydney and Melbourne queer activist collectives. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. Sydney: The University of Sydney. Retrieved from: https://ses.library.usyd.edu.au/bitstream/handle/2123/13958/OHalloran_KT_thesis.pdf?sequence=2
Richards, R., (2019). Shame, silence, and resistance: How my narratives of academia and kidney disease entwine. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 269-285.
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Singer, A. (1996). Homosexuality and shame; Clinical meditations on the cultural violation of self. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.123-142). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
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